Some of Rodney Dangerfield's Thoughts.....

Some of Rodney Dangerfield's Thoughts.....

Joined: July 13th, 2009, 2:26 am

April 4th, 2017, 12:08 am #1

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
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Joined: December 17th, 2009, 7:45 pm

April 4th, 2017, 2:03 am #2

My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies helped chip in to fix the screen door.
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Joined: October 10th, 2003, 5:24 am

April 4th, 2017, 2:40 am #3

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
Now I'll never see her!
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Joined: February 1st, 2014, 12:51 pm

April 4th, 2017, 6:32 am #4

We were so poor, my rich Uncle died and I owed him $20 in the will! nt
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Joined: November 9th, 2009, 2:41 pm

April 4th, 2017, 2:16 pm #5

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
that my cat licks his butt to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth.
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Joined: September 7th, 2001, 3:52 am

April 4th, 2017, 5:24 pm #6

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
"PLEASE take my wife!"

I always found Dangerfield hilarious as a stand-up, but felt his comedy did not translate nearly as well to movie roles.
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Joined: October 10th, 2003, 5:24 am

April 4th, 2017, 7:01 pm #7

Henry Youngman's signature line.
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Joined: July 16th, 2012, 1:11 pm

April 4th, 2017, 7:17 pm #8

"PLEASE take my wife!"

I always found Dangerfield hilarious as a stand-up, but felt his comedy did not translate nearly as well to movie roles.
You need your head checked. Caddyshack was a masterpiece.
Last edited by savagecornmuffin on April 4th, 2017, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Joined: May 12th, 2001, 1:29 pm

April 4th, 2017, 8:34 pm #9

Rodney Dangerfield once said:


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
*****************
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
****************
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
***************
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
****************
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
***************
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
***************
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
***************
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
**************
I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
**************
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
**************
I'm so ugly, I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
**************
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
**************
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
****************
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
***************
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
**************
My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
****************
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
***************
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
****************
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
*****************
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
****************
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
****************
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
***************
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
**************
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
***************
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
****************
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
****************
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
****************
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
****************
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
*****************
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times – three of those times I was reading it.
*****************
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy – for birth control.
*****************
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
************
...is complete without it!
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Joined: October 10th, 2003, 5:24 am

April 5th, 2017, 12:29 am #10

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