We Are Broken

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We Are Broken

Kieran Sawyer
Fifth Year
Joined: Jan 7 2011, 05:02 AM

Mar 13 2012, 05:45 AM #1

The last few weeks had been hell for Kieran. The realization that he'd been lied to his entire life about his father's blood status, that he had an entire side of a family that he didn't know about, that he had a grandmother who loves him and desperately wanted to meet him, had all left him in a fog. Worse than that, he was in a complete existential crisis. A lot of wizards didn't know that growing up as a muggleborn had the chance of instilling a certain sense of pride in young wizards. They'd somehow beat the system, and been chosen to be magical despite not having magical blood. Now he was just a halfblood. Common. Expected. Purebloods were quick to look down on Muggleborns for "stealing their magic," but the lion had never felt ashamed. He'd been so proud of being different, and now he was the same as most students.

Of course, that wasn't to say he wasn't also proud of his magical heritage. His grandfather had been a well-respected auror, something that fueled Ki's desire to be one. It was just that lack of trust he now had with his parents that had ruined his family. They had intentionally lied to him, hidden his heritage for whatever selfish reason they had. He hadn't stuck around to find out, just packed his things and left. He wasn't going back to his parents' house. He'd find a way to live in Diagon Alley if he had to, but he would never step foot near them again. He hadn't told anyone what had happened just yet, except for Sky and he'd only told her because it affected her as well, as his new-found cousin. Though he was sure his girlfriend and friends had noticed a change in him, he couldn't bring it up. He was still sorting through his emotions, and trying to figure out exactly what he was going to do.

That's what brought Kieran to the theatre. As he ran his fingers of the nylon strings of his favorite acoustic guitar, he found himself playing the melody of a song he'd learned last summer. He'd always retreated to music when it came to figuring out how he felt, and this was no different. Why were there a million songs about love and loss, but so few about betrayal by family? Alone in the theatre, he felt like he could finally get out his feelings with one of the only songs he knew on the subject. His voice mixed with the guitar, and he began to sing.
"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes.
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize.
Tell me why we live like this.

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers.
Tower over me.

Cause we are broken.
What must we do to restore our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored?
Give us life again because we just want be whole.

Lock the doors
'Cause I like to capture this voice.
It came to me tonight.
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged.
We're at war.
We live like this.

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers.
Tower over me.

Cause we are broken.
What must we do to restore our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored?
Give us life again cause we just want to be whole.

Tower over me.
Tower over me.

And I'll take the truth at any cost.

Cause we are broken.
What must we do to restore our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored?
Give us life again cause we just want to be whole"
He'd never noticed the door open during his song, nor that he was being watched. As he played the last few notes of the song, his emotions overtook him. His knees gave way underneath him, and he knelt on the ground, finally giving up on pretending to be strong, on pretending like nothing was wrong. He'd been hiding it for so long, too long, and alone on the stage, he let the tears free.
<div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family:georgia; text-transform:lowercase; font-size:30.5px; letter-spacing:-3.2px; line-height:80%;">she says i've got the best</div><div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family; color:#CC3333; arial-narrow; font-size:5.5px; text-transform:uppercase;">beating heart in the world, and it makes her want to twirl around until she hits the ground</div>
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Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Joined: Jul 10 2007, 07:41 PM

Mar 13 2012, 06:42 AM #2

  • It didn't take much for Landon Hastings to catch on when his friends were feeling down. Usually he'd take them aside, figure out what it was, and find a way to make them feel better. They would usually end up laughing at something Landon said or did because he was that type of person. He was the guy who could make anything work out for the better, because he was an optimist. He looked at the better things of the situation and brought them to light, which usually helped at least a little bit. So when his best friend, Kieran Sawyer, was looking rather down in the dumps, Landon made it his mission to figure out why and to fix whatever problem he could. That would be easy, Kieran was like a brother to him. He loved that guy, and knew just what to do to get his friend's hopes up. It all came down to when. It was hard to get the Gryffindor alone - he was sort of popular, as was Landon. They were always surrounded by people they knew, whether it be Wyatt, Lydia, Brydon, Schulyer, Blysse, or countless other people. Speaking of Schuyler, she seemed to be a bit odd these days too… he'd have to make a point to bake her something and cheer her up as well. Today was focused on Kieran, though, because he needed Kieran to be happy. It was Kieran who'd helped him sort out what he was feeling with Wyatt, and so Landon had to repay him for it. That's what bro's did, and these two boys were not just bro's, they were brothers.

    Thankfully, Kieran had found some time to run off by himself, so naturally Landon followed him. If people didn't know Kieran was taken, they might say that Landon had taken a fancy to him and wanted more than just the intense, almost homoerotic friendship they shared. Landon, of course, was occupied with Wyatt, but given the opportunity, he was sure he'd have a shot with Kieran. At least, he liked to think he might. Kieran was straight but Landon was okay with that. They were best friends, and honestly, Landon couldn't ask for someone better.

    Anyway, Landon followed Kieran into the Theater. This place was like a safe haven for both boys, a place for them to express themselves freely with their passion: music. And express himself Kieran did. The boy sat on the stage and played a wonderful song that Landon wanted to ask what it was midway through. Still, Landon sat back in the darkness of the empty room and listened to his friend pour his emotions into the song. It was heartbreaking, really. The sadness in Kieran's voice was overwhelming, like he'd lost someone or something incredibly dear to him. The emotion was strong enough that Landon was teared up by the end, unable to fully form a word. There was something seriously wrong with Kieran, and Landon needed to figure it out. The boy had fallen to his knees, adding to the sadness that permeated the room more than the music the boy had played had. Landon stood, moving into the lit aisle next to him.

    "Ki…?" Landon asked, breaking the overwhelming silence that had filled the room since the Gryffindor had stopped playing. Landon started walking toward the stage, closing the distance slowly. "Kieran… you need to tell me what's going on with you, man. You're not yourself, and I want you to be yourself. So tell me, what's eating you?"</li>
<center><center><div style="color: #777;"><span style="font-size: 20px;">&.</span> <span style="font: 15px arial narrow; text-transform: uppercase; color: #444; letter-spacing: 1px; word-spacing: 4px;">Leave all your love and your longing behind</span><br> </center>
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Kieran Sawyer
Fifth Year
Joined: Jan 7 2011, 05:02 AM

Mar 13 2012, 11:31 AM #3

It felt so good to cry. He knew it wasn't manly or even really accepted man behavior but Ki was tired. He'd been playing pretend for weeks, using every bit of energy he had to not jut blurt out everything he was feeling, every ounce of concentration to be normal Kieran. He'd done okay, but it was starting to wear on him, and he knew his friends knew. Crying made all that go away for the moment, as if tears carried away all the bad feelings until they grew again. The song had apparently been the key that unlocked the gate in Kieran's walls, and he'd finally been able to express his feelings. All he wanted now was to talk to someone.

Luckily he wouldn't have to wait long. Landon made a sudden appearance from the darkness, and even though the lion's kneejerk reaction was to quickly stand up and wipe away the tear stains, he wasn't actually embarrassed for Landon to have found him like this. Even if the badger had been there from the beginning, it mattered little to Ki. Landon was the only person who understood how important music was when it came to sorting out emotions, and out of all the people who could have seen it, he was glad it had been Landon. He'd noticed the boy's concerned look when the two boys had been around each other over the past few weeks, and he was certain the Hufflepuff had just been waiting for the right moment to approach him.

Landon finally came out and asked what was wrong, and without even replying, the brunette already felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. He was ready to talk. Setting his guitar in a stand, he moved toward Landon, first embracing the boy in a friendly hug, grateful for his appearance. The reassurance of having his best friend here with him almost caused the waterworks to start back up again, but they seemed to have been used up. "Where to start," he murmured. "Well, I found out that my parents lied to me about my blood status. My dad's a wizard, and my paternal grandmother, who I was told died when I was young, is very much alive and had been wanting to meet me for years." It was amazing how much lighter he felt finally saying it.

"I mean, I don't know what she did to warrant being banished from my life, but it just makes me question a lot of things. I've never told anyone this but I had a sister. She drowned when I was three years old, and it's something that's affected me even now. Now that I find out my supposedly dead grandmother is alive, I can't help but wonder what else about my life is lie. Is my sister really dead? Did I even have a sister, or is this some other guilt trip? I just feel completely betrayed and I have no trust in my parents anymore. Oh, bonus revelation, Sky Sutherland is my cousin. Yeah. Her mom and my dad are twins. Thanks for letting me know about my magical family, Dad. Thanks for making me feel like a freak in a sea of muggles for years." Kieran looked down, happy to finally say it, but he was unsure if Landon would understand if he was so upset.
<div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family:georgia; text-transform:lowercase; font-size:30.5px; letter-spacing:-3.2px; line-height:80%;">she says i've got the best</div><div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family; color:#CC3333; arial-narrow; font-size:5.5px; text-transform:uppercase;">beating heart in the world, and it makes her want to twirl around until she hits the ground</div>
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Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Joined: Jul 10 2007, 07:41 PM

Mar 13 2012, 07:57 PM #4

  • Landon didn't think he'd ever seen Kieran cry. At least, not real, say tears. He'd seen the boy laugh so hard he cried, but this was much different. For a moment, Landon thought he'd intruded too much, that Kieran would be upset that he'd heard the song and was here. That moment, however, was quickly replaced with the embrace. Kieran's arms wrapped tightly around Landon and at that point Landon knew: he was exactly the person Kieran needed right now. His arms locked behind Kieran, closing the hug and squeezing gently. Nothing about this was sexual, nothing was awkward. He was here for his brother, just like Kieran had been for him so many times before. The embrace seemed to help Kieran control his tears long enough to begin telling the Hufflepuff what was wrong.

    Landon listened silently as Kieran spoke. The words seemed to have a physical change on Kieran, lifting whatever weight he'd been carrying around off his shoulders and making him perk up a bit. Landon caught a glimpse of a once happy Kieran from a few months ago, singing in a concert for the students of Hogwarts. That Kieran, though, was replaced with one that was overwhelmed with this news. This revelation was enough to turn Kieran's entire life over. He was no longer that muggleborn kid who excelled in all things magical. Now he was a halfblood, just like a good majority of the Hogwarts student population. Of course, blood status didn't really matter, but all the same, knowing where you come from is important, and Kieran no longer knew his.

    And on top of that, relatives! Kieran had a family he'd never met before. And people here even at Hogwarts who were his kin. That sparked in Landon's mind as to why Sky was being strange lately too - Kieran had told her about it. She was faced with knowing her parents lied to her as well. Why had they done that? What would they have gotten out of it? Landon didn't know, but he understood why Kieran was upset about it all. Landon would be furious with his parents if they had lied to him about something like that.

    "Holy shit, Ki." Landon said after Kieran was finished. "I mean… I don't even know where to start. Did you talk to your parents about all of this? Did you talk to Sky? Have you contacted your grandmother yet?" He had a million questions but only really needed to know one. He shook his head, signaling Kieran that he didn't have to answer everything right away, and put his hand on Kieran's shoulder, looking the Gryffindor in the eyes. "What can I do to help? What do you need from me? Because I'm here for you, no matter what."</li>
<center><center><div style="color: #777;"><span style="font-size: 20px;">&.</span> <span style="font: 15px arial narrow; text-transform: uppercase; color: #444; letter-spacing: 1px; word-spacing: 4px;">Leave all your love and your longing behind</span><br> </center>
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Kieran Sawyer
Fifth Year
Joined: Jan 7 2011, 05:02 AM

Mar 26 2012, 10:11 PM #5

He wanted to feel ashamed for crying. He wanted to be that strong boy that everyone needed, the one who never seemed weak, but for the moment, that boy was ggone. Now he was scared, confused and self-imposed alone. Wel, not alone, not anymore. Landon was here now. Landon was the first person outside of the situation that hed told, and thank Merlin for him. The Gryffindor had been afraid to tell anyone for fear of them just popping him upside the head and telling him to get over, of thinking that his emotions were completely irrational. None of that happened with Landon. He accepted the lion's feeling of being lost, and offered him a hand to escape. Nothing against his other friends, but this was how Kieran knew the badger was his best friend.

There was a moment of silence after Landon's series of questions as the brunette composed his thoughts. "Well, I didn't really get the chance to talk to them. I bailed out as soon as I figured it out. I couldn't stay. I haven't spoken to them since. "Of course, not for a lack of trying on his parents' part. He'd received numerous owls from his father, though he hadn't opened a one of them. It had been a jarring realization for Kieran, receiving owls from his father. Before all this started, he'd always swelled with pride, believing his father to be a muggle who was embracing wizard methods, not shunning them like his mother. Now there was just a dull feeling. Of course his father could send owls. He was a damn wizard.

Then there was Sky. She'd been privy to his investigation, his curiosity of a link between the two of them since the summer, but he doubted that even she expected that they could be cousins. The coincidences were too high, the chances too random. "Yeah, I've told Sky. She seemed pretty upset, but mainly I think she's just shocked. She's living with our grandmother now, so I have a way to contact her, but I just don't know what I'd say." He looked down for a moment, realizing that he was in a pretty pickle. He hadn't told anyone of his plans to never go back to his parents, but he had no idea what he was going to do instead. As Landon asked what he could do to help, the sixth year just shook his head. "Just being here is good enough for me, Landon. If you want, you can help me find a cheap place to live. I'm not going back home. I can't. There's no trust there, and I can't live like that."
<div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family:georgia; text-transform:lowercase; font-size:30.5px; letter-spacing:-3.2px; line-height:80%;">she says i've got the best</div><div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family; color:#CC3333; arial-narrow; font-size:5.5px; text-transform:uppercase;">beating heart in the world, and it makes her want to twirl around until she hits the ground</div>
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Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Landon Hastings
Resident Ghostie
Joined: Jul 10 2007, 07:41 PM

Mar 28 2012, 07:39 PM #6

  • Landon listened as Kieran recounted the story of his last few days at home. While Landon hadn't ever met Kieran's family, he'd always had a sort of respect for them. Ki had told him about them on numerous occasions, and they'd seemed to be pretty cool people. Muggles and all, but that didn't seem to matter. They were supportive of Kieran. At least, his dad had been. He'd done the owl messaging and worked on getting to Diagon Alley for the lion and made sure he had the things he'd needed. Now, to find out that they had lied to Kieran his entire life, Landon's respect for them had been shattered. Regardless of what reasons Ki's dad had for leaving the Wizarding World, he at least should have been honest with his son about it and explained why. And to find out that Ki had family he'd never even known about? It must have been terrible to know his grandmother was alive this entire time. Let's not even get into going to school with your cousin and never even knowing.

    "Well, first you need to contact your grandmother. I know it's hard and you don't know what to say, but you're her grandson. She won't be upset about it taking you this long to talk to her, it wasn't your fault your dad lied." Landon said, patting his best friend on the shoulder lightly. "She's your family. And if Sky is living with her, she can't be that bad." Landon grinned.

    Kieran's dilemma of being technically homeless sat in Landon's mind for a second before he began speaking. Of course, Landon didn't expect Ki to go home. Not right away, at least. Trust was one of the most important things about calling somewhere home - the people there needed to be trustful and loving. Of course, Ki's parents loved him, but… seventeen years of lies broke down trust real fast. "Well, I know that some people stay at Hogwarts over the summer. It's rare, I think, and you have to have special permission from the Headmistress, but that's always an option, I suppose." Landon paused, biting his lip lightly. He began speaking quickly, not letting Kieran get any word in edgewise as he layer out the options. "But that's not where you belong. You need somewhere you feel happy and safe and have people who can talk to you about things. I'd say move in with Sky and your grandmother, but I think you'll need to build that relationship over time. That leaves two options. Get a job and pay rent in some shitty apartment someplace lame and be sad and mopey and miserable, or come to London with me and stay with my family. My parents won't mind, and I sure as hell won't mind either. We have an office that my mum uses sometimes that we can change into a spare room for you, until then you'll have to sleep in my room. And you'll have to put up with my brothers, Peter and Paul. But it's free and there's great food and of course I'll be there so you can't say no, you're coming to live with me and that's that. I'll sooner eat my guitar than see you all alone in some dingy apartment. That settles that." Landon's tone was final and left no room for Kieran to argue.</li>
<center><center><div style="color: #777;"><span style="font-size: 20px;">&.</span> <span style="font: 15px arial narrow; text-transform: uppercase; color: #444; letter-spacing: 1px; word-spacing: 4px;">Leave all your love and your longing behind</span><br> </center>
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Kieran Sawyer
Fifth Year
Joined: Jan 7 2011, 05:02 AM

Apr 6 2012, 12:22 AM #7

Landon didn't seem to be judging him in the least, and for that, Kieran was grateful. Though he considered himself to have a lot of friends, he couldnt really say that there were too many that he trusted enough to know the situation. As Landon mentioned that Ki needed to talk to his grandmother, he nodded slowly. "I know, It's just, Sky said she's sick. Dying. Some sort of brain thing. She barely recognizes her family somedays. I know if I could stand that, to go from thinking she's dead, to knowin she's alive, to knowing she's dead. It's hard. In my head she's so vibrant as Dad told her, but I don't know how much of it is true. I just don't want to be disappointed." He paused for a moment, sick with himself at his selfishness. "On the other hand, she's waited a decade and a half to meet me. The least I can do is give her that before she dies." It was a painful thought to him, his grandmother, the only direct magical blood relative he felt he could trust, was lying in a bed somewhere, dying, curing her son for hidin her grandson all these years.

Then Landon began to rattle off ideas for where Kieran could live. The lion's head was spinning, though he was a bit amused at how quickly the badger was tearing down every idea he came up with in the same breath. He'd considered asking to stay at Hogwarts over the summer, but he was certain the special circumstances that allowed for it did not include "I'm a pouty child who's mad at my mum and dad." He'd also considered seeing if he could stay with the Sutherlands and his grandmother, but if he'd understood correctly, space there was limited. On top of that, the brunette wasn't sure that he could just sit idly by in the house where his grandmother was dying before his eyes. That left the only option of getting a job. It would be miserable, and near impossible, but it was the only choice beyond crawling on his hands and knees back to his parents.

Until Landon suggested that he come stay with him. The idea of living with a friend had dawned on him, but he was too prideful to even bring up his situation to his friends, and even more so when it came to asking for help. Kieran quickly shook his head no, trying to voice his protest, but the blonde boy wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise. He was making a fairly convincing argument, and though the Gryffindor didn't want to admit it, staying with Landon sounded like his favorite option. Still, it wasn't fair to Landon, to his parents, to his brothers to be forced to contend with another body to share space with, another mouth to feed, another schedule to work with. He hated the thought that he would be burdening the Hastings family, but before he could mention those concerns, Landon had finished his spiel, and the look in his eyes seemed to tell Kieran that he better not dare oppose his solution. The lion smiled weakly at his friend, his best frien and shrugged. "Allright. Fine. I'll stay with you, but only until I can figure out a better solution." He shook his head and looked down, thoughts of his parents welling up inside and making him want to scream. They would never take in Landon should the roles have been reversed. Thank Merlin for Landon.
<div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family:georgia; text-transform:lowercase; font-size:30.5px; letter-spacing:-3.2px; line-height:80%;">she says i've got the best</div><div style="width:423px;"><div style="text-align:center; font-family; color:#CC3333; arial-narrow; font-size:5.5px; text-transform:uppercase;">beating heart in the world, and it makes her want to twirl around until she hits the ground</div>
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