God first/man or beast of field/Jesus the flesh/Christ the image of spirit
Who I have become in my Life?
As I think about myself and see myself I find a frighten young boy that feels that there no love in his life at the age of fifty. I feel like I failed somewhere in my younger years because I never got married in my world is that I did ask some girls to married me. My friend said I never learn how to talk to girls because my life was one where I was always defending myself because I not pronounce words right.
One thing led to another where some class mates were calling names like queer while I was not but it still hurt inside my heart. I go to speech class and my time crying because of things people said about me but I guess I got stronger because of it like a broken bone. Some I would try to used the bathroom and some of class mates would hit me always three or four at time but I never told on them.
If I had told on them I would be call worse name because I believe we all should own battles in life some the teachers would make a joke of me. While I was young when this happen which made me easy prey for a cult to used me. A cult is any church, ministry, or group of people that uses people for personal gain like money, sex, human bombs, and other things.
I believe that I was made fun so must when I young is the reason I understand what it is to walk in love otherwise I witness God's love for myself. That is why I look for every reason today to forgive other people that may of wrong me in my life. I see the possibility that they made of had to live in with not having the loving family I had to love them.
In my life I see the need to tell the truth holding nothing back because what is hide today will be uncover tomorrow. I believe life is this big circle that we must travel alone from the beginning to the end until we begin again and again. While I believe in God I do see him as my ruler but as one that helps around the maze I must travel in as I walk in this world of flesh until the moment I live in the spirit realm what even it might be.
I always long for children to have of my own but maybe it never to late because what is spiritual realm does it take a woman to make a child there what will I find there that not here. I do not know some claim there no life after death and God is not real but I believe than some. They have every right to not believe in my God as I have every to believe in a God greater than myself.
Lets say God is love like the good book written in my heart tells me as prove to myself understanding in others person's reason to love and hate. I look for the reason that they might of made fun of me forgiven their hateful remarks they once made understanding they may had a reason. They may only been fighting back the only way they understood attacking the one who wanted to help that was me.
As I long for a friend but I feel out of place because at the time it happen the jokes I was young myself just a chid without understanding myself. Today I have the understanding alone with the forgiveness needed to forgive them putting it in the past as if it never happen in the first place. It helps to known I am not alone my close family in the same box I am a box of flesh and bone that will die someday waiting my next birth into a creature of spirit.
The cult I was in was the Way Ministry research fellowship but today I am over the pain they cause and I forgive them all because they were mislead too. Life is a pattern of good things one must go through alone bad things must go through just to forgive life for it. I call myself a fool not to made fun of myself but to made me stronger when I must live in the spiritual realm.
Seeing myself as a fool is seeing as a limit fleshly person that never recovering from this body I am in but only dies to it. I look forward to being in spiritual body one that knows no pain and lives forever in this spiritual form like God himself but what I will I do not know yet. Thank you for reading my deep thoughts as I open them up to all with love of truth and a holy kiss of Christ unto you from Roy.
I grew up with someone with speech impairment. So I understand what you've been threw friend. He couldn't pronounce the T's in words. His name was Curtis, but he called himself Curis.
But I had my own problems with dyslexia, I couldn't spell Tim until I was in 7th grade. I always wrote MIT.
So I was always in SLBP classes each day. (Special Learning and Behavioral Problems).. They lumped us all together.
I've had two wives and never any kids and I'm 49 years old.
And I feel as though I missed out on having kids, and I also feel a lack of love, and I feel like God might be angry at me or disappointed in me.
I've done things in the past I'm ashamed of, mainly theft and cheating on my girlfriend in High School. But we are still friends on Facebook.
She was also in the SLBP classes in School.
I grew up as a rebel, hanging around downtown till all hours of the night with the other misfits at 14 years old, causing some trouble hear and there.
The police and my parents threatened to have me put into a boys home if I didn't shape up.
One of my fondest naughty boy memories is hot wiring golf carts and riding them around all night in the moon light with a friend. But one night when we went to bring them back to the golf club there was about 5 cop cars in the parking lot and men standing around at about 3am but we split out of there on the golf carts and never got caught. And walked home. No harm done, I guess.
But all in all, I'm glad its today and not 35 years ago. I've learned a lot and repented and changed my ways. But I still don't feel worthy of salvation, but only by the promise of having Faith in Jesus the Son of God.