~Dr Ko Ko Gyi
If you do not want to give a sincere apology, do not try to give a fake apology laced with excuses. Do not rub salt into the wound with a qualified apology.
And do not try to cheat by just apologizing without a real remorse to avoid the consequences or to please the aggrieved party. But if you easily insult or repeatedly commit that sin again and again, even God has declared that He is not willing to pardon the repeat sinners who never repent.
Many years ago, when I read about the news of a court case in Singapore, when the presiding judge refused to accept the guilty plea and apology of the accused and ordered a trial, I could not understand immediately. But later only, I realized that in that case the accused pleaded guilty and apologized but with an excuse as if he was justifying what he did and the apology was also qualified.
It is like saying, "I am sorry for punching you but you have started the quarrel with an insult." That kind of apology is not an apology.
In order to qualify as an apology, and in layman's terms, we can say that it requires two parts:
The conditions which will disqualify a statement as an apology if the above conditions are not also met_regret (the "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" part), and
responsibility (some explicit statement that you were the one who did the thing that's being apologized for).
"I'm sorry that you're upset about me sending emails to all the friends telling my side of views in our dispute".e.g. if you don't actually regret the thing you're apologizing for,
and are only saying in order to just pleased the other party or recipient.
Although this statement _
"I'm sorry if I I have actually talk bad about you to the boss"Fulfils the regret criterion,
This could not satisfy the responsibility criterion, since the apologizer is expressing regret not for his action, but for someone else's emotion.
The responsibility criterion is similarly missing here, since the apologizing person is expressing regret only if a condition is true, but weaselling out of any admission that it is true. The effect of statements like these, if used skilfully, is to make recipients feel as if they should feel apologized to, despite the fact that no actual apology ever took place. They're not apologies, but rhetorical tricks for weaseling out of taking actual responsibility.
If we look from the side of the apologizing party it is a double loss_
So, take responsibility for your actions because people want to see you own up your mistakes. One must be accountable and admits to precisely what ones did wrong.after humbling yourself enough to apologize
and your apology is rejected because it wasn't perceived as sincere.
Equally frustrating, is the fact that, more often than not, this perception is accurate.
It must be an expression of repentance, of true regret or remorse, this step matters most for a sincere apology.
That should be it. Do not add the feelings you think you incited in the other person ("I'm sorry you misunderstood me" or "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt"); doing so shifts blame away from you, which is the opposite of taking responsibility for your actions."I'm sorry that I have used harsh words on you."
"I'm sorry I said those things about you."
Acknowledge the repercussions if your actions had resulted in some nasty repercussions.
You need to Shut up and let the apologizing process end without further conversations."I'm sorry I blew off our meeting; now the entire project is in jeopardy."
"I'm sorry I said those things about your mother. They were uncalled for and I should never have let my anger get the better of me."
Don't add any qualifying clauses; they often begin with "if" ("I'm sorry if you got offended") or "but" ("Sorry about losing my temper, but sometimes you piss me off"). Doing so entirely negates your efforts.
It is better to reveal what you're going to do to correct the situation. Made a sincere apology by adding:
"I'm sorry I blew off our meeting; now the entire project is in jeopardy. I'll call the others to appeal for another meeting time."
Asking for the forgiveness is good. But do it without putting a time frame on it. Don't insist on an answer ("Do you forgive me?"). So it is better to tell like this:
"I'm sorry I said those things about your mother. They were uncalled for and I should never have let my anger get the better of me. I hope that you'll forgive me."
We must learn to resist the urge to qualify your sincere apology ,Continuing to talk only waters down everything that's already been said.
If we try to squeeze in the last word to save face by mitigating our mistake.
We could unintentionally torpedo the whole apology.
e.g.: "But you know, you're not completely blameless in this whole thing"
or "C'mon, cut me some slack; everybody makes mistakes.
Even you have to admit - your mom can be a bitch."
Things you'll need:so it is best to shut up,
don't say another word,
and allow the matter end.
Tips & WarningsUnderstanding that no matter your intention, you did hurt them.
A lot of courage.
A little bit of time to apologize.
Be ready to accept criticism. While it can be humbling, you must be willing to accept how your actions made this person feel.
Be humble and understanding. You must not allow yourself to become defensive.
Be ready to let the person walk away if they must. Hopefully they will come back when they are ready, but that is not always possible.
This is a first step. Hopefully it starts you down a path to better relationship. If it isn't, at least you have done your best.
Do not qualify your apology. When we hear apologies like "I am sorry you took it that way." or "I am sorry if you are offended", that person is telling you that it is your fault they made a mistake.
Do not do this if you are angry. If you cannot remain calm, you will not be ready to listen.
###Idealist Pragmatist: When an apology is not an apology
AskMen.com:Make A Sincere Apology
How to Apologize to Someone Important to You by eHow.com o not qualify your apology