Tin Whiskers

churinga
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Joined: May 22nd, 2016, 8:06 pm

August 9th, 2018, 7:51 pm #1

Tin Whiskers

Such are we, surrounded by absolutes,
mind always going, 
emotions ordered by minute dualities 
into all the exquisites of desire.  

Too many steps, too near the edge.

People clash, trolleys on crazy wheels 
going every which way.

Sweep away the debris. 
Away with mementos.

It is a new devouring 
and when the remnant wake 
and discover space again,
discover air. 
Mouths will gasp like fishes out of water.
There'll be no noise and no rejoicing.
The too astonished will look, stare, 
turn to one another, 
reaching out.
Last edited by churinga on August 14th, 2018, 5:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

August 10th, 2018, 2:08 am #2

Hi Churinga,
Nice to see you posting again.
Seems like the day after armegedon to me, interesting.

L1-I would say: Here we are
minds always going

L3- prefer minds controlled
L4-is there a word 'equisites', prefer exquisiteness
L5-strictly speaking this is a rhetorical question so no question mark.
L6-maybe a more spicific word for crazy, wobbly
penultimate line, cut the: 'and'.

Title needs a tweak: Tin Whiskers

Best wishes
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russkigypsy
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Joined: August 18th, 2013, 10:27 pm

August 10th, 2018, 2:07 pm #3

Well, it issues a doomsday feel.
Reading some one else's writing
in my style
I see MY shortcomings.
So basically it's a pronouncement
& doesn't do much for me.
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

August 10th, 2018, 8:19 pm #4

exquisites, or exquisitries?  People clash might be too flat.

i like the staccato diction here. 
feels authentic to me, to the chaos of waking up...how it fractures usage  and flow. 

I would ratchet it up a little, to be honest. 

and when the remnant wake 
and discover space again,
discover air. 

nice. 
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

August 10th, 2018, 9:04 pm #5

love your title by the way, and am ready to ‘believe it’, so to speak. and to go where it leads. ( sibject line missing an “i” )
( i think I would make a very good journal editor! ha! 🌞,)

follow your inner guidance, is my without wax advice, and when something we say clicks, then good!  and I hope we all agree, we are only here doing this tuning, on The Waters to encourage more pure ( unadulterated) voices, faithful to themselves, regardless of their ‘ language’. which is to say. we should all strive to hone in on the correct diction for the poem, or the voice, whether it adheres to current rules or not. 

that’s my view, in any case. and apologies to any others, replying whose toes I tread on.  don’t mean to be soap-boxing, but I do want to see us all expand... 
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churinga
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Joined: May 22nd, 2016, 8:06 pm

August 11th, 2018, 1:41 pm #6

Osel, this is the longer version.

Tin Whiskers

1     
Get very small, sidestep time.
You are so much more than any organisation.

2
Warmer for the dark, cars doors open 
and the promise is there.  
Guitars made for the song;
a fire dancing and we’re its bracelet. 

3
The often sounds of night.
A mist over the river.
A train waits at the station. 
This joy and no other 
as I make my way home.

3
Such are we, 
surrounded by absolutes, 
our minds always going; 
our emotions ordered by minute dualities 
into all the exquisites of desire.       

People clash, 
trolleys on crazy wheels going every which way.

Sweep away the debris.
It is a new devouring 
and when the remnant wake and discover space again, 
discover air.
Mouths will gasp like fishes out of water,
there'll be no noise and no rejoicing,
the too astonished will look, stare 
and turn to one another, 
reaching out.
Last edited by churinga on August 14th, 2018, 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Owl
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Owl
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Joined: January 21st, 2016, 12:29 pm

August 11th, 2018, 2:56 pm #7

I found the poem inaccessible, to be honest. Too many abstract notions, such as "absolutes," "minute dualities," and "exquisites of desire," and that's just in the first stanza. Thankfully for the reader, the poem becomes more concrete toward the end, with concrete imagery and tropes, but it's not enough to get the work to cohere. 
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Ken Ashworth
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Joined: September 3rd, 2017, 10:05 am

August 11th, 2018, 6:08 pm #8

Curringa. A bit preachy, though I like the ambition of it. Im left as an observer instead of a participant
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

August 13th, 2018, 3:12 pm #9

I quite like it.  the long version feels more rounded.  In the first S, i felt that we needed something between us and the pronouncing voice... a go-between, if you will. I thought a figure something like the “guest cat”, with some of that numinous reserve, could maybe deliver that first instruction.  Let’s say, just for fun, there IS a rather wonderful cat creature instructing those of us still asleep, the ones with “tin whiskers”, which is a bit of an insult, ( and wonderful), but probably very well-founded or let’s say, easily evidenced. You clearly have a strong sense of your title, and its world, and maybe you could share that with the poem a little more. I often think one very small thing can open a poem totally, that people were finding, perhaps, a closed system.


The poem does already skirt the edge of this kind of light-hearted dead-seriousness, which is what makes me like it, and think you need a cat, or the glister on a cat’s paw, or the like in this... some sort of non-human, but sentient guidance. So the human reader does not feel chastened at the getgo, and resistant.

s 3 “its” . and maybe some other tinkering there.
typo, punctuation? L1 is hard to parse.

Warmer for the dark, cars doors open
and the promise is there.  
Guitars made for the song;
a fire dancing and we’re it’s bracelet.

i like its spirit.
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churinga
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Joined: May 22nd, 2016, 8:06 pm

August 14th, 2018, 5:37 pm #10

Thanks all for your commnets, I have tweaked it in line with FranklyDire's comments. 

Kind regards

Ross
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