Hawthorne Avenue

Post poems for comment. Come on in, the water's warm ...

Hawthorne Avenue

FranklyDire
Member
Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

May 22nd, 2018, 2:21 am #1

It was always the same
for years afterwards
when driving to the hospital
he would turn into Hawthorne Avenue
then a thrug of the shoulders
Dad doesn't live here anymore.

Isn't life a bitch
the switch from normal
well-adjusted, businessman
to an emotional wreck
a sob, a shuffel of the senses
nothing one can do
nothing anyone can do
it's done, ended, move on.

Why is that woman staring
moving away fast
clutching at her coat
Is it my tears runnning
down my cheek
Isn't it normal to grieve.

A policman opens the car door
It's five years ago, five years.
Who said it would get any easier
We die slowly, follow them
into eternity, that's the way it is.
Nothing to be done, suffering.
Quote
Like
Share

Ken Ashworth
Member
Joined: September 3rd, 2017, 10:05 am

May 24th, 2018, 5:18 pm #2

Kind of haunting. Sparse. There is a balance of sentiment without overwhelming the reader.

Second stanza is best imho.
Quote
Like
Share

Osel
Member
Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

June 12th, 2018, 11:14 pm #3

i was touched by/the title. hawthorne is a natural remedy for the heart, so for me, the title announces itself as eco, truth, etc.... ( not that i enumerate these, i am just doing so for the  workshop) i would break after line four. 
for me, that was key...!  

🌱🛁🙏❤️🌷👌🌲🌳👏💎🌸( long story short) 
Last edited by Osel on June 12th, 2018, 11:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Quote
Like
Share

Osel
Member
Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

June 12th, 2018, 11:24 pm #4

dear I/FD

consider how this breaks apart... maybe it is a natural form, with a name, 
or one you can name. It broke apart to me, in this regard. 
and i think it is lovely. 👌

i think the last, “we/ follow them” is esp. beautifully laid in. 

what about so? 



It was always the same
for years afterwards
when driving to the hospital
he would turn into Hawthorne Avenue

then a thrug of the shoulders
Dad doesn't live here anymore.

Isn't life a bitch
the switch from normal
well-adjusted, businessman
to an emotional wreck

a sob, a shuffel of the senses. ( shuffle?) 
nothing one can do

nothing anyone can do(,)
it's done, ended, move on.
Why is that woman staring 
moving away fast

clutching at her coat(.)
Is it my tears running

down my cheek(,)
Isn't it normal to grieve?
A policman opens the car door (,) (policeman) 
It's five years ago, five years.

Who said it would get any easier(?)
We die slowly, follow them

into eternity, that's the way it is.
Nothing to be done, suffering.
Quote
Like
Share

Osel
Member
Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

June 12th, 2018, 11:47 pm #5

i think i made a few errors, in my suggested edits. sorry to do so. i realize it looks sloppy
i meant to fix all in one post. I can fix in one more post. pm me, or reply here  
Quote
Like
Share

FranklyDire
Member
Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

June 13th, 2018, 5:24 pm #6

O, I like what you've done with this.
Written with you in mind of course.
Grief never goes away, just become bearable
some days. 
Quote
Like
Share