wavewriting
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Joined: May 11th, 2013, 4:47 pm

December 1st, 2013, 1:12 pm #11

The renaissance dance, known for its atletic hops, jumps, leaps, is well patterened here; the only thing that might be the "landing" for the last cadence would be the word "posture" rather than "ritard" -- I like it.
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berniehenrie
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Joined: January 30th, 2008, 11:18 am

December 2nd, 2013, 3:14 pm #12

JD---
would this poem by a British poet catch the freedom of the moment?
Josephine Baker finds herself Patience Agbabi

the first 16 lines:
She picked me uplike a slow-burning fuse. I was downthat girls’ club used to run in Brixton,on acid for fuel. Lipstick lesbians,techno so hardcore it’s spewing out Audis.She samples my heartbeat and mixes it withvodka on the rocks. I’m her light-skinned, negative,twenty-something, short black wavy-bobbed diva.
She purrs La Garçonne, fancy a drink? I sayYes. She’s crossing the Star Bar like it’s a catwalk. So sleek!A string of pearls, her flapper dressstudded with low-cut diamondsthrough my skin, straight to my heart.Twenties chic! She worksme up and down. I worshipthe way she looks.                              
bernie
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wavewriting
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Joined: May 11th, 2013, 4:47 pm

December 2nd, 2013, 4:48 pm #13

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jd
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jd
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Joined: February 27th, 2011, 7:17 pm

December 2nd, 2013, 5:00 pm #14

Thanks, folks, for the continued input
and the interesting media.

Appreciate the suggestion, WW, but it would
not work with my rhyme scheme. Also,
the "ritard" is not a problem to my mind,
esp. as it's the watcher playing that part.

And Bernie, thank you for the submission link
despite your reservations.

We carry on...
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ChrisGeorge
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Joined: July 25th, 2012, 1:16 pm

December 3rd, 2013, 3:34 am #15

Hi Johanna

I find this interesting but not overly accessible. Not sure what I am missing. The galliard, the dance, appears to take place in a bakery, is that right?

What is "her scavenger" that she bounces behind? Is it the mop? Doesn't seem clear. A scavenger would seem to refer to some type of living being and not just a mop.

What on earth is a "non-Doberman" -- how do I imagine it? Is it a dog or not?

If she is inside the shop, inside the window, how is her hair being blown by the wind?

Sorry to be befuddled. I want to like this but find the dangling ideas a bit too confusing.

I wonder if you should drop the attempt to rhyme and concentrate more on meaning? Just a thought.

I know the word "Galliard" but "ritard" is new to me.

All the best

Chris
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jd
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jd
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Joined: February 27th, 2011, 7:17 pm

December 3rd, 2013, 10:23 am #16

Hi Chris,

All of your questions are answered in one
of my replies above.

Appreciate your letting me know how unclear
the whole of it is.

Congratulations again, on your IBPC success.

johanna
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ChrisGeorge
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Joined: July 25th, 2012, 1:16 pm

December 3rd, 2013, 2:43 pm #17

Thanks, Johanna. I have not studied your replies above so I will go up and read... Hope to have more comments later after I have digested your explanations.

Chris
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