Fenchurch St. Station - [Revised since November's Beach] - Revised 2

Post poems for comment. Come on in, the water's warm ...
FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

January 9th, 2018, 4:04 pm #11

Okay revised 2 done.

 must say those minor adjustments have worked well, thank you O.

Is the docent still there?
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FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

January 12th, 2018, 4:42 pm #12

O, if you think it is good enough and
nominate. I will of course accept.

Altered last two lines, keep it clean.
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

January 13th, 2018, 1:20 am #13

i am going to make a brash statement.., that you could Perhaps do well without 
“in Dickensian gloom”...because if you read it fresh, the rest is your own 
and quite wonderful...
i might change my mind tomorrow, or soon. just saying...

but I put it forth now 
because it just dawned on me. also, of course, maybe it could be inserted at around the place of the rug beating and the men like rodents...or maybe not.probably it’s an entry phrase or NO. I will nominate, but there is still time to tinker. 
i will look again soon, have had some family drama... 
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FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

January 13th, 2018, 8:28 am #14

Fenchurch Street station was built in 1841, Charles Dickens was born 1812 died around 1870. The station in 1964 had not changed much, steam trains still operated sending clouds of steam and soot into the rafters, the whole edifice reflected demise, Victorian, old fashioned. I wanted the reader to understand that by the word 'Dickensian', in contrast at the end of the poem: light, sun, blues sea, white capped surf, bronzed woman all reflecting the opposite. N lived in two world, the northern reflecting staidness, boring, old London and the new, the opposite. N enjoyed two worlds, he shuttled back and forth, a fly-by-night character and as shallow as the Serpentine in Hyde Park.

Thank you for feedback, 
always appreciated. 
I will continue to tinker.
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BobBradshaw
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Joined: January 8th, 2015, 3:05 pm

January 13th, 2018, 1:00 pm #15

FranklyDire wrote: Okay revised 2 done.

 must say those minor adjustments have worked well, thank you O.

Is the docent still there?
This is just gorgeous...I lone the rhythms and speech of your characters...I will nominate it for an IBPC
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FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

January 14th, 2018, 6:43 am #16

Thank you Bob
especially for the nomination
it would be an honour to represent the Waters.
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

January 15th, 2018, 7:48 pm #17

sits as an opening word leading off the title is not as good as the plain "In Dickensian gloom, 
and title standing alone, apart. There is a lot of value in the title standing alone.     read it through my eyes and see... 
Bob beat me to  The Sea ( nomination) but i will still comb for any nits, because I want to see it perfected. It's win-win, as they say. 

i didn't realize you had in Dickensian gloom, small i, in the first version. def. prefer the title standing alone. 2nd s needs a comb through, minor knots. ...
Last edited by Osel on January 15th, 2018, 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

January 15th, 2018, 7:56 pm #18

you have done a few things to the second revision that have made the first version better,  in some ways.  Now, a combination of the two is the beast course. I will privately PM you my view, so as not to exhaust, or exasperate the forum. ❄

edit: i meant “best” course.  just give me til Thursday, thanks 
Last edited by Osel on January 16th, 2018, 3:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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FranklyDire
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Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

January 16th, 2018, 5:27 am #19

:)
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Osel
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Joined: June 20th, 2007, 3:33 am

January 16th, 2018, 4:04 pm #20

just sent you a PM. you can post a revised / edited version in the ibpc thread.
best wishes! 
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