April 15. The journey

Can you write a poem a day for seven days?

April 15. The journey

JudeGoodwin
Member
Joined: May 3rd, 2006, 5:58 am

April 16th, 2018, 10:27 am #1

We arrive late and in the rain and are forced to prowl slowly up and down dark streets, u-turning against one-ways, up one alley down another. She sits silently tense but I keep my chatter going, expressing each next move a few seconds in advance. Explaining, joking. I'm going to try a right turn again, but this time I'll be sure to turn left before the one-way starts. I turn right and she opens her phone for the hundredth time, types madly, squirms on the car seat, closes the phone. The sudden disappearing glow of it makes our little capsule even darker than before.

    We rocked and the stars
        were chips of ice. Her lungs cleared.
       One breath and one breath.
Reply
Like
Share

toniclark
Member
Joined: May 5th, 2006, 6:47 pm

April 16th, 2018, 11:19 am #2

Excellent. Really enjoyed this. I can read it literally or figuratively. It speaks volumes. The haibun form seems just perfect here; the haiku adds so much beauty and depth.
Reply
Like
Share

GretaB
Member
GretaB
Member
Joined: August 21st, 2017, 10:33 am

April 16th, 2018, 11:23 am #3

Love that little capsule, even darker than before. The scene is so perfectly set, the characters and their relationship sharp and clear. A very successful haibun!
Reply
Like
Share

FranklyDire
Member
Joined: June 7th, 2015, 6:45 pm

April 16th, 2018, 2:42 pm #4

Yes, trapped by a one-way system in a strange city
and a nightmare scenario. The darkness in the car
interesting and the dying of the light.

We arrive late and in the rain and are forced to prowl slowly up and down dark streets,
Very nice.
Reply
Like
Share

toniclark
Member
Joined: May 5th, 2006, 6:47 pm

April 16th, 2018, 6:20 pm #5

Hey Jude, I dreamed about you last night. A long meandering dream in which we were attending a writing conference together. 
Reply
Like
Share

Moll Arundel
Member
Joined: October 29th, 2017, 8:13 pm

April 16th, 2018, 6:50 pm #6

I wish I'd written that. It's perfect! How I have longed to write a decent haibun and here you make it look easy. Off to IBPC with you!
Reply
Like
Share

JudeGoodwin
Member
Joined: May 3rd, 2006, 5:58 am

April 16th, 2018, 7:11 pm #7

toniclark wrote: Hey Jude, I dreamed about you last night. A long meandering dream in which we were attending a writing conference together. 
That would be so fun!
Reply
Like
Share

JudyK
Member
JudyK
Member
Joined: August 22nd, 2017, 5:51 pm

April 16th, 2018, 7:36 pm #8

We should have our own writing conference! I still remember how wonderful it was being with Toni & Greta in Maine all those years ago.

Beautiful poem and perfect form for it. The haiku distills it nicely.
Reply
Like
Share