Take It Back

Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 3 2014, 12:05 AM #1

Monday, November 17th, 2014
7:00 PM

I think I am in love with you.

The words played over and over again through Jesse’s head as he sat down on the floor next to Sam’s dog bed, petting the dog absentmindedly. It had been a couple of weeks since Thomas had been gone, off doing very, very important work in Thailand, and yes, Jesse missed him. He missed him a lot. He missed having someone to sleep next to, someone to tell him that it was going to be alright when he felt that everything in the world was crashing down around him. He missed having Thomas, who cared about him, cared for him, there to tell him that the world wasn’t ending. Still, during the time that Thomas was gone, he had still heard no more from the person, whoever it was, that had been bothering them, so he did his level best not to worry about it. He didn’t want Thomas to come home, and find that Jesse was a mess.

Except about a week ago, Jesse had finally broken, googling the words that Thomas had said one night a few weeks ago. They were in Gaelic, and he hadn’t told Jesse what they meant, said that he would upon his return from Thailand, but after a couple of weeks of waiting, curiosity got the best of the other man, and here he was, wishing that he hadn’t looked it up...or maybe it was better that he had, because he had time to process it before Thomas came home...though the past week of processing didn’t seem to be doing much good. He was still lost, still confused, and not sure how to be anything other than those things, because Thomas had said that he thought he loved him, and Jesse was certain that no one had ever loved him before.

More than that, Jesse was certain that he didn’t deserve love, nor was he able to give it back, at least not right now. If Thomas came back, and told Jesse that he loved him, Jesse wouldn’t be able to say it back, because he didn’t feel it. After all of the years, all of the things that he had been through, Jesse wasn’t sure that he even had the ability to love someone else, that he ever would, so hearing those words, over and over again in his mind, that Thomas thought he was in love with him...well, that was scary, terrifying, and he didn’t know what to do with it. It felt all too soon when the key turned in the door, and Sam went scurrying towards it to greet his master. Jesse stood, lingering back, because he couldn’t lie to Thomas more than he already had, didn’t want to let him think he hadn’t looked anything up, because he knew now, and there was no pretending that he didn’t. He just didn’t know how to accept it.

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 5 2014, 02:13 AM #2

Hefting his bag over his shoulder as he climbed out of the taxi, Thomas swore he felt something pop in his back and he frowned, lips pulling tight against his teeth. When people heard about his job, they always told him how envious they were, how they wished they could afford to travel to all the countries he’d been to. But Thomas was certain their ideas about what his job was like and what it really was were vastly different. No five star hotels and resorts for him; no, it was wherever he could find a room for the night, including one memorable occasion where he’d slept on a woven mat on a dirt floor. At least time, there’d been a few decent beds but a twenty hour flight back from Thailand, trapped in the middle seat with no real room to spread out, had worked his muscles up into knots he wasn’t sure he’d ever quite work out.

But he was home and more importantly, had a nice, hot shower waiting for him. Bathing wasn’t always the hugest priority, with the hectic schedule he had to keep to but Thomas would be lying if he said he’d ever be willing to trade his pressurized shower head for the well water and rough cloth so many people in outlying cities in Thailand swore by. He could do without most creature comforts but a working shower was always a welcome blessing when he could find one.

Most important of all was he had someone to come home to, which made the long plane ride all the more worth it. He’d been able to get Jesse on Skype a few times while he’d been away but the low resolution of the computer’s webcam and the spotty internet had made it a rather daunting endeavour and even Thomas has to admit, it just wasn’t the same as being able to talk face to face.

When he got the door open though, there was an ecstatic Sam to greet him, but weirdly no Jesse. Unless he was at work? Still there was no point in calling out for him, even if he was in the house so Thomas headed towards the bedroom, nearly missing Jesse standing in the corner by Sam’s bed.

“Hello you” There was a look on Jesse’s face and had his brain actually been working up to speed, rather than being addled by jetlagged, he likely would have clued in a lot faster but after a moment, Thomas noticed the look and took a step closer to the younger man. “Jesse? Is everything okay? You didn’t… get any more texts while I was gone, did you?”
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 5 2014, 02:35 PM #3

Jesse knew that he should have been elated to see Thomas, and a part of him was - really, really was. He had missed the other man so much while he was gone. They were...well, they were something, and while he wasn’t fully sure what that something was, Thomas mattered to him, more than most other people mattered to him at all, if he was being honest. He wasn’t sure that, if he did something stupid and lost thomas, he would ever find anyone that meant as much to him, or someone that he meant as much to, but wasn’t that just always the risk of letting someone go? Then again, he wasn’t planning on letting him go, he just needed to figure out...what the fuck he was going to do with what he now knew about the man.

Thomas entered the house, and Jesse felt like maybe he should be running to him, flinging his arms around him, hugging him, kissing him - Jesse was small, Thomas could easily catch him, but he was held back by all of the things bubbling up in his brain, all of the things that he wished he weren’t thinking, all of the things that he wished he weren’t currently so god damn hung up on, because it wasn’t easy - it wasn’t easy for everything to be in such disarray and he didn’t like it, that he was freaking out so much over something that anyone else would have wanted to hear...but he wasn’t everyone else, he was Jesse, and he had...stuff. Stuff that kept him from fully knowing how to deal with situations like this. Stuff that made this a situation that needed dealing with.

”Hi.” He smiled at Thomas, because even though he was scared, nervous, about the words that Thomas had only half left him with, he was happy to see him, glad that he was there. He shifted, looking at the other man. He should let him put his things down, let him adjust to being back. He had been gone for a long time, in a very different place, and he was probably feeling some of the results of that. He was going to keep his mouth shut...he really was...until Thomas asked if he was alright, if he had gotten anymore messages, and he didn’t want to worry him about that sort of thing. ”No, no, I didn’t... I didn’t get anything like that, I promise.” He bit his lip, looking down at the ground. ”I just...I looked up what you said to me. Those words, in Gaelic, I got curious, and I’m sorry, I should have waited, but like...I don’t know if it was a joke, or what, but...I...I looked it up.”

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 7 2014, 06:30 PM #4

Letting go of his bag, Thomas sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing a hand over his face and feeling the result of nearly a weeks’ worth of not shaving scratch his palms as he did so. This was not the conversation he’d been planning to have right when he got home; in fact there’d been a part of him that had kind of hoped that Jesse would have forgotten what he’d said by now. Not because he wanted to take the words back but because he wasn’t sure if he could properly explain himself, how he could think he might be in love with the other man, without actually knowing if he really was or not.

“And?” So Jesse knew what he’d said which was something of an impressive feat in and of itself since most people could probably not hear a Gaelic phrase once and then be able to spell it properly enough to find an exact translation online. But from the look on the younger man’s face, he didn’t seem to exactly be jumping for joy now that he knew what Thomas had said which suggested he hadn’t been entirely thrilled with what he’d found.

Maybe Jesse just thought it was too soon or there was some other reason why he didn’t like Thomas saying things like that but Thomas knew, even if Jesse didn’t agree, there wasn’t much that could be done to change how he felt. Sure if he had another chance, maybe he wouldn’t have said it quite so soon but now that all was said and done, there wasn’t any changing that. If it was love, which he wasn’t entirely sure of because Thomas didn’t know if he’d actually ever been in love before, but if it was, or at least some close approximation to love, a deeply intense ‘like’ perhaps, he didn’t think he could stop feeling the way he did, just because Jesse didn’t agree with him. It wasn’t like there was a switch or something that could just turn his feelings on or off whenever it was most agreeable to him.

“It wasn’t a joke though. There’s a lot of shit I’ll say, just to take the piss out of someone but things like that tend to fall under the category of things I don’t joke about” To play a joke on someone like that, making them think that you felt a certain way about them when you really didn’t, was beyond cruel in Thomas’ opinion and it was something he knew he would never do. Sure he might tease about the depths of his affection sometimes, particularly when he was flirting but to say he loved someone if he didn’t? There was certainly no chance of that happening. “I was telling you the truth, much as I’m capable of saying it so I guess what I’m wondering… is that a problem for you?”
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 8 2014, 03:07 AM #5

Jesse wasn't trying to be difficult, he really wasn't. He didn't want to start a fight or anything like that the moment Thomas had come home - especially since he looked so damn good all scruffy like that. He should have waited to bring it up, but it had been nagging at the back of his mind for so long, and it was upsetting him to the point where he had to bring it up, because it just didn't make sense to him at all. He didn't understand why someone would say something like that to someone like him, and maybe Thomas had been banking on the fact that Jesse wouldn't ask, or wouldn't understand, but he had, and he'd looked it up, and maybe he wished that he hadn't, but it couldn't be undone. Things like that never could be, and maybe it shouldn’t have been such a big deal to Jesse, but it was.

Some part of him wanted it to be a cruel joke, because at least that would make sense to him, at least that sort of behavior would be clear to him. He understood rejection, and cruelty, and maybe that was bad - no, it was bad, but it was also true. He knew better how to deal with people being bad to him, hating him, than people wanting him and caring for him, and this, being with Thomas, whatever they were - and it was definitely something - was a very steep learning curve for him, and one that he was far from mastering, it seemed. It wasn’t a sure thing, of course, the context had left it open ended - he had said “I think”, but that was still more than Jesse knew how to handle, more than he had been expecting, more than he knew how to deal with.

And he wasn’t in love. He didn’t love Thomas. Maybe at some point, he would get there, if he was capable of that, and maybe it seemed like it wasn’t too soon, or too fast, but for someone like Jesse, this was crazy, insane. He hadn’t even thought about what it would mean to fall in love with Thomas, he had never even considered it as a possibility, but now here he was, with it right in his face, and he didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do with it, so he bit his lip, looking anywhere but at Thomas, because this wasn’t easy, and he knew that he should have just left it be, but he couldn’t, because he had to push things, he had to get this sorted out...even if it didn’t really seem like there was much of a way to sort it out.

It wasn’t a joke, it was true, and Jesse moved, sitting next to Thomas on the bed. He didn’t want to push him away, not fully, but he didn’t know how to take that. He didn’t know how to take someone’s love, and he wasn’t sure that he could handle it, so when Thomas asked if it was a problem, Jesse shrugged, looking at him so that Thomas could clearly understand his words. ”I just...It’s...I just need you take it back,” he said ,the words were soft, but that wouldn’t mean anything to Thomas. ”That’s all.”

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 10 2014, 01:25 AM #6

Thomas blinked a few times, almost certain he’d misread what Jesse had just said, but nope that was it. Jesse wanted him to take back what he’d said all those weeks ago, like that would flip some kind of switch in him and magically make him not feel anything towards the younger man anymore. “That’s… that’s no’ really how that works” He tried as gently as he could, with a jetlagged brain and a patience limit that was already wearing needle thin from everything he’d had to put up with over the last few days.

Jesse had told him that he hadn’t ever been in love before, that there hadn’t ever really been anyone he’d cared about as much as Thomas and Thomas was trying to be understanding of that, he really was but since he wasn’t sure if he’d ever been in love before either, he didn’t know how to make Jesse see that it wasn’t exactly a simple emotion, that you couldn’t just fall in and out of love with someone, the way you could suddenly start or stop liking a person one day.

Classic literature was to blame for that particular belief, Thomas decided, half in a haze of sleep already and doing his best to stay awake in the hopes of wrapping up this frankly rather nonsensical conversation. Look at Romeo falling in and out of love at the drop of a hat. One day Rosaline, the next Juliet. And don’t even get him started on the lovers in a Midsummer Night’s Dream… although that could be chalked up more to lust than love probably. Still that was it; he was officially blaming Shakespeare and the rest of those classic authors for people’s weird ideas about love.

“I’m not asking you to say you love me back. In fact, that’s about the last thing I want, especially if you don’t feel that way. But I can’t exactly change the way I feel about you, now can I?” Thomas certainly didn’t want Jesse saying anything of the sort, not until he was certain he felt the same way about Thomas… if it ever came to that. At the same time though, he hoped that Jesse wouldn’t be so dismissive as to try and ask him to take back his own feelings on the matter again because just as he’d said – knowing that Jesse didn’t necessarily reciprocate his feelings did little to change how Thomas felt about him.

Both people being madly, passionately in love with each other wasn’t exactly a requirement of a relationship after all and so long as Thomas knew Jesse at least liked him and wasn’t staying with him because it was convenient or something, then he didn’t care.
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 10 2014, 01:49 AM #7

Jesse didn’t know how it did work, didn’t know how things like this were supposed to go, he just knew that Thomas felt one way, and Jesse...had no fucking clue how he felt. That wasn’t good. He should know by now, right? He should know how he was feeling about the other man. They lived together, Thomas made him feel safe, that meant something, at least it was supposed to - and it did, but maybe not what it was supposed to mean, and that was what had Jesse freaked right now. He didn't know what was expected of him. This wasn’t his home, this was Thomas’, he was crashing here. He didn’t have much to his own name, except a car that he couldn’t tell Thomas about because he hadn’t figured out how to even bring up the subject of Daryl yet, and now...now everything just seemed so complicated.

He shifted uneasily, wondering if there was anything that he could do to get the man to change his mind, anything that he could do to fix what was wrong here, though he was pretty certain that he and Thomas had very different ideas about what was wrong with the situation. Jesse couldn’t handle this, he couldn’t take it. Love. That was a big thing, and it was too much for him - it was enough of a thing that he couldn’t believe it, that he couldn’t take it for what it was worth. He closed his eyes, reaching out, tugging his hair up and looping it into a hair tie, getting it out of his face to just try and process what was going on, how he was feeling, but it wasn’t that easy. Feelings weren’t that easy, emotions weren’t that easy, especially for someone like him.

”It should be,” Jesse said, sounding more than a little jaded about things. ”That should be how it works.” If he didn’t want the love, shouldn’t he be able to ask Thomas to take it back? Shouldn’t Thomas be able to? Then again, how much was it about him not wanting it versus him not being able to process it. He didn’t feel that emotion, he never had, didn’t think that he ever would, and as a result, it wasn’t fair of him to take someone else’s. He didn’t think that he could, in good conscience, do that. Thomas was so good to him, and Jesse was...who he was. He couldn’t change that, and he didn’t think that he would ever really be able to open up his heart like that. He’d had it closed for so long, with walls all around it...the kind of walls that he hadn’t really ever intended for anyone to break down, and Thomas was special, but he hadn’t broken those walls down.

Jesse didn’t think anyone ever would.

”But you...you shouldn’t feel that way about me, I”m not…” He shrugged his shoulders. ”I’m not the kind of person you should be in love with.” That was true - leaps and bounds. He was the kind of person that didn’t deserve to have someone care about him, love him. Maybe that wasn’t true, at the end of the day, everyone deserved people who loved them, everyone deserved that sort of caring, but Jesse couldn’t process that. He didn’t see the good in himself, he didn’t even know why Thomas was still around, except maybe for good sex - because of everything Jesse knew about himself, that was about all he felt that he was good for. ”I can’t take it, I can’t just have you sitting there, falling in love with me, when all I’m gonna do is ruin that.” Because things never stayed good long for him, and this? This wouldn’t either.

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 13 2014, 01:46 AM #8

Pinching the bridge of his nose, mostly to get the lights in the room that were starting to go bendy around the edges to stop moving, Thomas shook his head, biting back a sigh of annoyance, because while he might not be able to hear it, Jesse certainly would. “People aren’t robots, Jesse. You can’t just expect them to turn feelings on or off whenever it’s convenient to you”

This wasn’t the fight he wanted to have upon arriving home; hell Thomas hadn’t wanted anything resembling a fight at all. He’d just wanted to have a shower, get some food and then pass out, preferably with Jesse to keep him company. But instead his stupid little moment of overthinking things… or was that not thinking enough about things, weeks ago was now turning his arrival home into an incredibly stupid argument about feelings of all things.

The room was still shifting slightly at the corners of his vision, a sure sign he was even more tired than he felt and Thomas let himself sag backwards on the bed slightly, determined to see this conversation out, even if what he really wanted to do right then was plead the tired card and put it off for another day, hopefully when he wouldn’t be quite so tired and at the edges of his nerves.
“Again, what part of ‘nothing I can do about that’ are you missing out on?” They’d been over Jesse’s screwed up sense of self-worth before and while normally Thomas would be inclined to give him a pep talk about how he really was worth more than he thought he was, today all he could do was dig in his heels and be just as stubborn in return, because he didn’t quite have it in him to be all sweet and loving. “You don’t think you’re worth it, but I do. And I’m going to keep caring for you the way I do, whether you think I should or not”

He’d had plenty of opportunities to bail already but if the creepy stalker sending him texts about Jesse’s past hadn’t been enough to scare him off, then Thomas didn’t know why Jesse seemed to think he really stood any chance at accomplishing the same thing. And until Jesse told him he didn’t want to see him anymore, genuinely told him, not just in some other misguided effort to ‘protect’ Thomas from himself, Thomas had no plans to go anywhere else for the time being.
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 13 2014, 02:12 AM #9

People weren't robots. Jesse knew that, to some extent, but emotions, they were complicated to him, and he didn't like it. He wished that he could turn things off, because then he would be able to turn off the bad just as easily as everything else, and then maybe he would be more open to the sorts of things that Thomas said to him, maybe he would be more understanding. What he felt for Thomas, it was something, but he'd always heard that you would know that something was love when you felt it, and he didn't feel that way about Thomas, but he was also certain that he had never felt love towards anyone, or anything else, and until Thomas' words, though those were still slightly unclear, he knew that no one had ever felt those things towards him. He'd lived a life void of this sort of thing, and now he didn't know what to do with it.

What he did know was that Thomas was clearly frustrated, and tired, and Jesse wished that he'd just been able to throw himself excitedly upon his returning lover, the way people did it in TV and the movies, but it wasn't like the movies, wasn't like TV, and he wasn't able to just do that, to shurt off the part of him that was freaking out, because this had been nagging at him for awhile. Except now he could see that he had made the wrong choice, he could see that Thomas was frustrated, and while he hadn't wanted that, he wasn't sure where else he thought this conversation would go.

"I should go," he said. The words left his mouth before he really got the chance to figure them out, before he really knew what they meant. Did he mean that he should go for the night, or for an hour or so, or did he mean that he should go and never come back? He paced, looking anywhere but at Thomas while he sorted that out. He took a deep breath, making eye contact again. "I don't mean...for good or anything, just...you need sleep, and we can't...I can't do this right now." It seemed pretty apparent that neither of them could do this right now, and that, while not a great thing, was better than them trying to have it out, and wind up getting into a huge fight. "I can stay at the Inn, or I can just go for a couple of hours and then come back when you're asleep and crash on the couch, or whatever, but I should go." Did he want to? He wasn't sure. He knew that he didn't want to be done with Thomas, but he was afraid of what the things that Thomas said meant. 'Because I don't...Thomas, I don't think I'm capable of loving you. Not now, certainly, and I'm honestly not sure if I can ever...feel that way." The words weren't meant to hurt, just to be honest, but they hurt, even coming out they hurt, because Thomas had been so good to him. "I want to," he whispered, his voice catching a little, and he hoped Thomas wouldn't have trouble making out the words. "I really do, but I just...don't know how, so I...I should go." Right?

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 15 2014, 03:57 AM #10

“I don’t want to fight with you. But I don’t want you leaving either” Normally he never objected to anyone walking away from a fight; sometimes that was the only way to fix things, to give it some time and let both people cool off a bit before trying to talk about whatever it was that had started the fight in the first place but Thomas could say with some certainty that if Jesse walked out the door now, he knew that the younger man probably wouldn’t be coming back.

And while there was a part of him that couldn’t blame Jesse; when a person had to put up with as much bullshit in their lives as Jesse had, eventually they were bound to hit their limit and just want to run away, instead of having to deal with even more bullshit but… He’d put too much into this relationship, to just let Jesse run out on him.

Which was a weird feeling itself because usually it was Thomas who was the flight risk, what with his tendency to bail if a relationship moved too fast for his liking. So he should really, really be able to understand where Jesse was coming from with the whole ‘unable to love’ thing but even though he was trying to, he couldn’t. He’d usually bailed on lightning fast relationships because the other person felt too much and expected the same of him. Like because they’d decided they loved him after a few dates, he should feel the same way. Thomas thought he’d made completely clear to Jesse that he wasn’t expecting reciprocal feelings though, so he wasn’t sure what was so frightening about how he felt.

If they really wanted to, if Jesse was willing to try, then they could certainly find ways to deal with his feeling like he couldn’t ever feel serious emotions for anyone. Thomas had been in the unique position of dating a woman who identified as asexual in the past and if he as someone who really liked sex, could date someone who had no interest in sex at all (the relationship ultimately hadn’t worked out but the sex or lack thereof had had nothing to do with that), then he could certainly work out a way to be with someone who didn’t feel quite the same way he did.

“If you really need to go though, I’m not going to chain you to the bed to stop you or anything. But… promise me you’ll come back?” Thomas was tired enough and not interested in arguing anymore not to care if his voice sounded a little thinner than normal… not that he would really know anyways, beyond the phantom tightness in his throat. He didn’t want Jesse to feel like he couldn’t leave, like Thomas was going to force him into staying but he also didn’t want this to be the last time he saw Jesse, because the younger man did something stupid like up and running off, back to England or somewhere else, rather than having to talk about this… thing.
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Nov 17 2014, 12:17 AM #11

It was almost upsetting, really, how much Thomas had Jesse's number. He was a flight risk, and of course there was a solid chance that, if he walked out that door, that would be it, game over, he wouldn't come back. Jesse was like that, when things got tough, he bailed. It was the best way he could think of to self preserve, the only defense mechanism that he really had working in his favor, and yet had it worked? He hadn't been safe here, not fully - two people had found him, but Thomas? Thomas had kept him here, not by force, but by blackmail, but by kindness, and caring, and that had been nice, but now? Now it felt like a little bit too much, and that had Jesse scared again, itching, feeling like he needed to up and bail, and he hated how much he felt like that, but maybe it would be better for both of them.

He couldn't give Thomas what he wanted, at least he couldn't now, maybe not ever. Thomas thought he might be in love? Well Jesse knew that he wasn't, and he guarded his heart closely, so closely that it would be a challenge to let anyone anywhere near it, and yet...walking away from Thomas hadn't been easy. He had thought about it before, about leaving Evergreen, running from all of it, and Thomas had kept him with his words, telling him that he would be there, that he would help Jesse, and he had. His arms around Jesse at night were the safest that Jesse had ever felt, his words of comfort were the only real comfort that Jesse had let himself believe, and now he was thinking about running, giving all of that up because it seemed easier?

Jesse sighed, reaching up, raking a hand through his long hair. "I don't want to fight, either," he admitted, because it was true, he didn't, he would rather run than fight with Thomas, but this needed to be had out, didn't it? They needed to get on the same page if they were going to be together - and they were together, in some way that Jesse didn't fully understand, they were together. "I just...I don't...I've never..." every sentence that he started felt wrong, nothing seemed to be coming to him to say, and turning, going out that door? That seemed easiest. He could go to the Inn, he could go for a walk, or he could get in the car that he wasn't even supposed to have, and drive. Just drive until he was somewhere else, somewhere that no one knew him.

Somewhere that no one loved him.

He didn't really know what to say when Thomas said that he wouldn't force him to stay, wouldn't chain him to the bed, beacuse...good. If he tried that, Jesse would freak out all the more, and that would be it for them, their game over, and that wouldn't be good for anyone, he didn't think. However, when he asked Jesse to promise to come back, Jesse shifted uneasily. Could Thomas read it on him? That he was thinking about bolting? That he was thinking about taking off and never coming back? Sure, he knew that he could lie, and it wouldn't matter, because if he was out the door, he would be gone, but then...what if he didn't want to be gone? "I...I've never been much good with promises," he admitted, looking at Thomas only long enough to say those words before casting his eyes down at his feet, at his shoes.

If he left, would he come back? No. He didn't think so, but he wasn't sure.

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 19 2014, 02:20 AM #12

"I'm no' exactly asking for the moon here" Thomas cared about Jesse a lot but it was worrying and frustrating to him that Jesse couldn't even give him the little bit that he'd asked for. Don't run. How hard was that? Jesse could go wherever he wanted to, Thomas wasn't going to stop him but all he was asking was that sometime from now, hopefully before too long, Jesse would come back.

And was it so unreasonable of him to expect that much? After all it wasn't like he'd done something extremely bad, something that Jesse would and should have a good reason for being angry with him about. He'd confessed to something that he probably shouldn't have said but as far as Thomas was concerned, it was water under the bridge now. And maybe some time was needed to reflect on feelings... although Thomas would have thought the two weeks he'd been away would have been enough, but it shouldn't be cause for someone to want to run away for good.

He was tired and he needed to sleep, though Thomas wasn't willing to let this conversation go, not until he'd managed to get some kind of promise out of Jesse that Thomas would actually see him again and this wouldn't be the last time they spoke. Emotions, particularly the big one were scary and he was trying to be understanding of that, but there was really only so far his patience would go before he reached his limit.

Shifting his arms so they weren't propping him up anymore, Thomas slouched back against the mattress, rubbing a hand over his face and grimacing in distaste at the feeling of grit and dirt and thousands of miles logged on buses and trains and airplanes as he did so. "So... what now? You can't promise me you won't run but I won't take back what I said. Where exactly does that leave us is what I'm wondering"

They were stonewalled and even if they'd managed to agree that neither of them wanted to fight, it didn't seem like they were getting out of this without some kind of argument, since neither of them wanted to give up the little ground that they had. Thomas wouldn't take back his words but Jesse wouldn't promise not to turn tail and run and there really didn't seem like there was any other option left but to fight about it, even if that was the last thing Thomas wanted right now.
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 19 2014, 04:16 AM #13

Thomas was right. He wasn't asking for too much, he was hardly asking for anything at all. It was Jesse that was the problem, Jesse was the one with the issue here, and he knew that. Even as Thomas said those words, he knew it, because he was the problem, he had always been the problem, and he was always going to be the problem. He couldn't handle anything, and definitely nothing like this. He just wanted to be able to say that he would be okay, that he would go for a walk, and come right back, but he couldn't do that, because he didn't know. His instinct to turn, and run when things got too tough was crushing him right now, like a weight that he wasn't strong enough to lift off, but he knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Unfortunately, knowing that, and being able to act on it, seemed to be two different things. He was scared here, scared that if he stayed, it would be in vain, that something would happen, or he would mess up, and he didn't want that.

He didn't want to screw Thomas' life up, either, because Thomas had already done so much for him, and helped out so much, and that was so much to ask, and maybe Thomas would be better off if he just left, but if Thomas felt that...then why would he be asking Jesse to stay behind?

Because he loved him.

Or, well, because he thought he loved him.

Jesse looked at Thomas, worn with jet lag, and everything else, and he knew this wasn't a good time for any of this, he knew it wasn't the time to give Thomas ultimatums, not that that was what he was trying to do, but he also knew that Thomas wasn't giving him any, he was asking Jesse one small, very easy favor, and Jesse didn't seem to be able to even give that to him, and he hated himself for it, hated himself for not being able to look Thomas in the eyes, and promise to come home in a couple of hours. He wanted to, and maybe he would - he probably would, he told himself, because he wanted that to be true, he wanted it to be true so badly, because Thomas was better to him than anyone ever had been, Thomas was better than he deserved, he knew that, so why leave that? Why run away?

He couldn't be scared like this, not forever.

"I...I just..." He shifted, looking at him. "I'll come back." He didn't use the word promise, because he still didn't think that he could say it, but he wanted to come home to Thomas, he did. "I want to, I do. Some part of me...wants me to come back." Maybe it was his heart, but he didn't really understand it, so he wasn't going to say it out loud. "I'll come back." It was almost as if he was working to convince himself of that, and not just Thomas. He nodded, as though that set it in istone. "Okay?" It was the best he could do, and he didn't know why, but he needed some sort of approval from Thomas, that Thomas would be okay with that. "Go to sleep, and I'll come back, okay?" Maybe it would be a few hours, maybe it would be a day or two, but he would force himself to come back. He had to, because Thomas loved him, and Jesse had spent his whole life running from people who were no good for him, but Thomas? Thomas was good for him, and he knew that.

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Thomas Whelan
Thomas Whelan

Nov 21 2014, 03:17 AM #14

“… Okay” Was Jesse just saying that in an effort to placate him so Thomas would shut up and then Jesse could slip away, never to be seen again? Or was he actually being serious? Either way, Thomas knew he needed to trust Jesse. Because relationships, ideally, should involve some level of trust in the other person and if he couldn’t trust Jesse with this promise, then what else could he trust him with?

Besides, he didn’t want to start a fight with Jesse and if Jesse making this promise and he trusting Jesse to keep his word meant that they could avoid a fight, then it was all for the best wasn’t it?

“Don’t feel like you need to come back right away though… I mean, not if you don’t want to. I’m going to be out of commission for the next…. Well if I’m being honest, the next half of the day at least, so I won’t be of much use to anyone in the meantime” He didn’t want Jesse to go but Thomas also didn’t want the younger man to feel like he needed to come running back either, not if Jesse needed more time to himself. It was confusing, figuring out all the stops and gos of any relationship and particularly with Jesse, Thomas always felt the need to be careful, to not push too much for one thing or another, unless he scare Jesse off.

The sudden need to sleep was about to hit him; over the years Thomas had gotten fairly good at predicting when he was just about to crash and he was glad that he wasn’t about to start a fight with Jesse, not when he was this tired. And hopefully while he slept, Jesse would take the time to think about whatever it was he needed to think about and then they would be able to sort everything out, preferably without an argument, later.

((All apologies for the very short reply. Thomas-muse is being quiet tonight))
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Jesse Allender-Adams
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Joined: Jan 8 2014, 05:58 AM

Nov 23 2014, 09:33 PM #15

"Okay." Thomas was willing to give him his space, and Jesse knew that was important, he knew that it mattered to have someone that would be able to give him that, let him take a walk, even if there was a chance that he wouldn't come back, and Jesse had himself for how much that was a possibility. He didn't want Thomas to have to worry about that, about whether or not he would come back. He wanted Thomas to know that he would be safe, that he would be able to see Jesse again soon, and that was why Jesse had told him that he would come back, because more than anything, he wanted it to be true.

He didn't say anything else, because he didn't think that there was anything more to say, and he was always nervous about that sort of thing, about the way he was when he was talking about things, and right now, well, he was pretty certain that they were getting close to having talked this to death, and he didn't want that, either, because that was no good for anyone. He wanted to come back, to have things be okay between them, but he couldn't stop the part of him that was scared from being, well, scared of the way that things were going.

He pulled his jacket tight around him as he started to walk, not really sure where he was going. He had to move, he just had to get going and whatnot, and this? All of it seemed a little stifling to him...except Thomas wasn't trying to stifle him, Thomas wasn't trying to keep him there, Thomas wasn't trying to do anything to make him stay, he just wanted him to come back, that was all that he had asked. Thomas was giving him space, Thomas wasn't asking for love in return, he wasn't asking for anything in return, nothing at all, and now that Jesse thought of it, well, Thomas had asked almost nothing of him at all.

Jesse wasn't alone. Jesse was with Thomas - someone who cared about him, someone who probably loved him, someone who would take care of him, even when it maybe wasn't even safe for himself, and what was Jesse doing? He was fucking running. He had left the house, and he had half a mind to just take off all together, but if he did that, he would be alone again, and try as he might, he couldn't stop thinking about the warm, strong arms that held him at night, the way that Thomas' hands played through his hair, the way that Thomas talked him down when he was upset, the way that Thomas kissed him, looked at him like he mattered.

Thomas mattered, and Jesse shouldn't run away from that.

He took several more miles to think on it, though, and as he walked around and around the small town, he didn't want to leave, he didn't want ot get in that stupid car that Daryl had given him and just take off, because he wasn't alone anymore, he had something here to stay for, someone to care for, someone who cared for him, and so many people wanted that so badly, and didn't have it, and him? He had it, he had Thomas, and he barely knew what to do with that, but it had to be something. He headed back, letting himself in, not bothering to be too quiet - Thomas wouldn't hear him anyways. He kicked off his shoes and tossed his jacket aside before going to the bedroom.

Jesse walked over to the bed and climbed in, burrowing his way into Thomas' arms, curling up against him. He didn't want to wake the other man, but he didn't want to leave this, either. The feeling of safety he felt in those arms, and maybe, because there was another person in his life now, he didn't have total control, but did he need it? He had something more than that, something better.

For the first time in his life, Jesse had love, and he couldn't fight the lump that rose in his throat as he thought about that, and he sniffled, a few tears streaming down his cheeks, because he was overwhelmed, and maybe still a bit scared, but he wasn't going to run away from this.

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