Find Love in a Hopeless Place

The local doctor's offices of Evergreen.

Find Love in a Hopeless Place

Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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Joined: Oct 2 2014, 02:09 AM

Jan 10 2016, 12:34 AM #1

January 12th 2015
2:30 P.M

For once in her life, Casey was on time for something. The young woman had never been great with keeping on top of things, and it only worsened after she had moved away from home. One would think, growing up in a military household, that schedules and timeliness would practically run through her veins. Then again she had never been the most perfect of her family or siblings, the youngest, most wild Johnson she was, and apparently even becoming a mother couldn't really change that. Until today at least.

Addi was a little over seven months old now, and due, yet again for a round of shots. At this point, Casey was so close to jumping on that damn vaccine wagon that she had postponed and postponed this appointment until it just seemed stupid. It was a necessary evil, one that would apparently provide her daughter with a healthy childhood. Still, she hated the way her baby girl screamed through the entire process and then clung to her for dear life for the rest of the day; acting sad, sluggish, and not her happy normal self. Casey dreaded it, and hated the fact that she had to do it alone, despised that she had made such a mess of her life that she had no one there to support her.

Today though, today was going to be different. So she had gotten up and dressed and ready, gotten the baby all taken care of and mentally prepared herself for the bell that this visit was sure to be. Gavin said he would come, said her would meet them there at the doctors, and Casey was counting on that. So much so that she ended up I. The waiting room early instead of ten minutes late with a screaming infant. No, she would not cause a scene in front of all the other perfect mother as per usual.

Sitting in an empty chair, bouncing Adeline on her knee, she fished her phone out of her purse and gave a sigh. She had no new texts or voicemails and hadn't heard from Gavin and by the time on the clock, she was beginning to think this was a bust. But . . She pulled up his name and sent a text anyway.

Hey, just wanted to remind you, Addi's appt is at 2:45 if ur still coming.

Casey hit sent, with a shake of her head and leaned back into the not so cushioned chair. At least, for the moment, the baby was smiling and giggling and having a good time. She was, for now, the only good thing in Casey's life.
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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Joined: Jun 15 2014, 10:17 PM

May 1 2016, 11:39 PM #2

Gavin wasn't really sure, of course, how all of this was going to go. It was odd.

Adeline wasn't his daughter. Legally, she wasn't his responsibility, and she wasn't his right, but there was something about the whole situation that he had been second guessing lately...and yes, he was pretty sure that Casey had a huge part in that. There was something about her that he clearly wasn't ready to let go of just yet, and that was more than proven in the fact that he was, well, still hanging on, still here, trying to figure out what to do next in the saga of his life, and his marriage.

They were, after all, still married, and she had a child that..wasn't his, but she had wanted him to think that it was, and he wasn't sure what that meant. He didn't know just how much of this was actually her fault, and how much of it was his - was just his inability to really make things work for himself. He tended to sabotage the good things in his life, and...maybe he was just doing that all over again, he really didn't know. He'd had more than a few drinks about it, and still hadn't come to a correct answer about the whole thing.

He felt his phone buzz, and checked the text. He bit his lip, thinking for a moment.

I'll be there. I'm heading out now.

He pocketed his phone, getting into the car and heading for the doctor's office. He didn't know what this was going to be like, but the whole point of going was to find out, to see what they had. Maybe he could be the father to a child, whether it was his or not, and maybe he couldn't. Only time would tell. Running away from things? that wouldn't solve problems now any better than it had when he was a child.

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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May 2 2016, 12:56 AM #3

Startled, she wasnt really expecting a response at all but, nonetheless, her phone vibrated once more in her pocket. Casey's eyes widened, looking specifically at her daughter like the sound was the funniest thing in the world. With an innocent little grin, the infant giggled hysterically. Sad as it was to think but that might have just been the brightest part of the entire day.

The text was less than thrilling; he would be there. So the words read but part of her didn't trust it at all. Gavin could say anything he wanted and half the time turned around and did something completely different. She didn't bother with a reply. A deep sigh escsped, laying her head back in comfortably, trying to focus on the present and the fact that she could count on no one but herself. Bouncing her daughter up and down on her knee, the young mother listened carefully to her bubbling nonsense words thinking about how badly she had ruined her life thus far and how sparse her future looked.

If she hadn't been so reckless of a woman, of a teenager, if hadn't been so rebellious about life, she wouldn't be in the predicament she was in. She had lied first and foremost, and not only in her own life but she ended up dragging another person into it with her. No matter how sorry she felt, how often Casey apologized, she could not change the past. She couldn't take it back.

The last thing she expected was for Gavin to stay, or even try to make an effort. She had assumed she would end up signing divorce papers and living her life as a single mother for the rest of the foreseeable future. But the papers never came and Gavin couldn't hide forever, they were bound to cross paths again, and maybe there was something strong enough between them to keep them tied together. Still, Casey had no highs hopes. And looking at the clock on the wall, notice her 'husband' had less than five minutes to magically appear before Addi's scheduled appointment time.

The mother heaved another heavy sigh - it seemed that was all she was able to do anymore. The weight within her had been building up for so long that all she could manage to do was breathe it out little by little. The door to the practice opened, feeding a breath of fresh air into the waiting room. Casey saw him, looking more uncomfortable than she had ever seem someone in her entire life.

A soft smile caught her lips before she could even think twice as she shifted to sit up a little straighter. She wasn't alone now, and though the stress still weighed heavy on her shoulder a little bit had been lifted. "Hey,"
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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Joined: Jun 15 2014, 10:17 PM

May 2 2016, 01:14 AM #4

It was fair for Casey not to trust things coming from Gavin. NOt once in their relationship had he been anything remotely resembling reliable, and now? Now he was being a little different, but she had every right to doubt that sort of thing. He hadn't shown up yet, and he was pretty sure that the whole "I'll believe it when I see it" thing was going into effect here.

That being said, she would believe it, because she would see it. He was going to be at that appointment, he had made his mind up on that one, and he didn't want to do anything to get in the way of that, he didn't want to step in his own way more than he already had. He didn't know what he wanted to do overall yet, but if he was a distant asshole for long enough, the choice of staying with Casey, and being a family would dwindle away from him.

He was an idiot, but even he was smart enough to understand that.

Gavin had been a disappointment more than once in his life, and to more than one person, and that wasn't necessarily likely to change right away in one motion, but maybe he could get there, with babysteps and all. He wanted things to work out for him, but he wasn't sure what all that entailed right now. His life was confusing, and he didn't really know what he wanted, but he didn't want to push away something that could be really good, so...he parked his car, and headed into the office.

Yes, he was just under the wire time wise, and yes, he looked very uncomfortable, but that was, in part, because he was. He didn't know what to do in situations like this, and he wasn't sure if he should still be a little angry with her for the way that things had gone down or not, but fighting here would do them no good. He nodded to her, and to the child. "Hey," he said. "I...I wasn't supposed to bring anything, was I?"

Maybe it was a stupid question, but he didn't know!

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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May 2 2016, 03:26 AM #5

Her smile widened. “No,” she voiced quietly with a soft shake of her head. “You didn’t need to bring anything.”And truthfully it was enough that he came at all. Lord knew it would have been far too much for her to handle if he would have showed up with gifts in hand. Casey shifted slightly in her seat, moving the bouncing baby from one knee to the other in order to have a better view of the man. She nodded at the chair next to her, hoping even as uncomfortable as he was that he’d have a seat and at least try and relax.

Addi squealed to herself, a high pitched sound that Casey so far could only assume was her way of telling everyone around she was happy about something. Though it was good to see she knew it wouldn’t last long. Once they were back behind the closed exam room doors, the painful screams would win out. Hopefully Gavin was ready to deal with all this. The last thing she wanted was to push him into doing something he didn’t want to do in the first place, only to end up scaring him off for good.

Continuing to bounce the infant gently, Casey’s gaze met his for the first time in a long time, with a look that said she was still unsure how to really act around him. She was not sure what to say in this situation, she wasn’t even really sure where their relationship was any more, and ultimately that was all left up to him after today. There came a point where some words began to bubble up, she opened her mouth to speak but wasn’t even able to get a sound out when she heard her daughter’s name.

Attention conveniently diverted, she saw the nurse nearby, chart in hand, eyeing her expectantly. Casey sighed again, heavily. “Well, . . . this is it,” she murmured throwing a look over to Gavin. “You ready?” He could walk. She wouldn’t really blame him, and honestly she really figured he wasn’t ready for something like this – for some kind of responsibility. Short lived as their marriage was, Casey knew Gavin more than even she thought possible. He was not a responsible man. He was a runner, and even more so in pressure filled situations like this.

The young woman stood, resting the baby girl on one hip, bag slung over the opposite shoulder, obvious she had become a pro at handling this whole situation by herself. She walked towards the nurse not even bothering to look and see if Gavin would follow. Part of her really really wanted him to, but the other part of her was scared he would stay behind and run. In order to not get her hopes up she just pushed those feelings down, not letting them creep up and affect her outwardly. Her steps faltered slightly though, lagging just enough to hopefully feel his presence beside her.
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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Joined: Jun 15 2014, 10:17 PM

May 2 2016, 03:37 AM #6

Gavin was relieved to hear that he wasn't supposed to bring anything, and he nodded as he kept his gaze on Casey and the girl in her arms. He didn't want to fuck this up, but at the same time, he had no idea what the right thing to do was, the right thing to say. He wanted to make the baby happy, because she was just a baby, she hadn't done anything wrong, this mess was his, and Casey's, and had nothing to do with Addi. But of course, that didn't mean that he knew the proper way to handle it at all.

He sighed, reaching up, raking a hand through his hair, hoping that Casey, and especially the baby, wouldn't be able to tell how anxious he was about being here now. He didn't know what was expected of him, and he didn't know what to expect of himself. He had shown up, and that was all well and good, but...but now what? He didn't know what the fuck was supposed to come next, and he was pretty sure that no one was going to come up to him and give him a blow by blow of exactly how to handle his first infant doctor's appointment.

He was going to have to look to Casey to explain things to him, to lead the way, and that was every bit as uncomfortable in thought as it was in reality. He didn't know if she wanted to show him how to do this parenting thing, and...he wasn't sure if he was ready to do it in the first place, but he was here, and he was going to do his best to make up for the few weeks that he hadn't been. No, that didn't mean that he had decided to be involved overall, it just...meant that he hadn't decided not to be.

When Addi let out her delighted shriek, he started, not used to the sound, taking a deep breath to calm down. "What...was that a good noise? she doesn't...look upset?" He looked at the baby, and god, did he ever not know a damn thing about them. He sighed, wondering if coming here, if this was all a huge mistake. There was no way that he could be cut out for this, right? However, before the got the chance to make some excuse, the nurse was there, and he had no choices. "As ready as I'll ever be," he said with a nod, following her forwards, just not sure that that meant much of anything at all.

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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May 3 2016, 01:00 AM #7

Casey smirked, trying her best not to chuckle at his reaction to the squealing infant in her arms. It was hard, honestly not to laugh, the confusion plastered all over the man’s face. Perhaps fatherhood really was not right for him; she never would have pegged him for the caring compassionate type. Her way of thinking was only set by his actions in their marriage but . . . well only time would tell. Maybe he had changed in their time apart and maybe being the father figure to this little girl would straighten his priorities out.

Needless to say, she did not have high expectations. Yet she was oddly intrigued by the effort he was attempting to put into this so far. “Yeah,” she voiced, soft smile still evident. “She seems to do that when she’s happy or excited.” Perhaps that was a simple enough explanation, but it seemed to Casey that the man really had no idea when it came to babies or toddlers. It wasn’t as if they could use their words to express themselves, they didn’t have words. But they did have sounds. And her daughter had explored just about every sound imaginable. “It’s about the only way she can let her emotions out.”

The young mother shifted her daughter once more in her arms, giving a satisfactory nod of her head. Yeah, ready as he would ever be, somehow she wasn’t quite sure how to take that comment. As if he would ever be ready.

Casey followed as the nurse led them through the door in the waiting room back down a hallway. She couldn’t help the shiver that ran up her spine, knowing what kind of hell would be awaiting her in the next few moments. She hugged the baby tighter, trying to offer comfort when she knew her daughter was only feeding off her own nervous emotion. The group paused outside a door before they were ushered in. Casey took her normal spot right next to the exam table, leaving Gavin to sit in the chair or loiter in the corner as he chose.

The first part of the visit was always the easiest, the nurse would weigh the baby, take all kinds of measurements and then they would be left to sit alone while waiting for the doctor to come in. And it was always a decent wait, Casey never really understood why when you were paying so much money the doctor couldn’t at lease be timely about it all.

With an odd grin, the nurse left with her clipboard in hand, informing them it would only take a moment. Casey rolled her eyes but once the door closed turned her attention back on her husband. “Can I ask you something?” she voiced, just barely louder than a whisper. “Where have you been all this time?” She didn’t want to pry, and it wasn’t her business but she was curious where he had been staying, what he had been doing, who he had been with since he wasn’t living in their house or seeing her anymore.
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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May 3 2016, 03:49 AM #8

This was definitely new territory for him. He hadn't really let it sink in that he might be raising someone else's child, and once he had learned that that was to be the case, well, he hadn't taken it very well, obviously. He hadn't expected, though, to come back in any way. He had been sure that this was it, that he was done with Casey and the baby girl, because the child wasn't his. He was wrong, and he was starting to realize that just because he wasn't officially the biological father, didn't mean that the kid wasn't his in other ways.

The father of this child was the person whom Casey chose to parent it, and who chose to take on that responsibility. There was still a chance that she would back out, that she wouldn't choose him, but there was just as great of a chance that he wasn't up to the job, so it was a tough call to make. He didn't know which was way was up in a scenario like this, and he was just going to be hoping for the best...at least that was what he was telling himself right now.

"Oh, so that's...a good sound." He nodded. He should have known that. He had read the parenting books, and they had mentioned that, at least to some degree - that the kids would shout when they were happy, because they didn't have words yet. This child was still far too young to talk, and that was something that he was going to have to accept. It wasn't easy, but he was going to work on it.

He wouldn't be here if he didn't at least plan on trying to be. He was putting himself out there, and there was a strong chance that it would all blow up in his face, but...hey.

By the time the nurse left, Gavin was pretty sure that his anxiety was clear. He wasn't doing a good job of hiding it, because he didn't really know how to. He didn't know how to exist inside of this situation and...it was weird for him, trying to find the balance. And then Casey asked where he had been? Well...fuck. "I just...was lying low," he bit his lip. "A motel, not far out of town." It sucked to admit that, but where else did he have to go? He wasn't on good enough terms with his family, and he didn't really have friends anymore. He'd burned those bridges long ago.

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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May 3 2016, 10:59 PM #9

Casey realized he was making a huge effort here, she had never in a million years thought that Gavin would come back let alone to a doctor’s appointment, or even talk to her again. What she couldn’t wrap her mind around was why. At this time she could not really say it wasn’t her business anymore because this was her and her daughter who were going to get hurt and stabbed in the back when he flaked and up and disappeared once more. Supposedly it was a motherly thing to care about your baby more than yourself and Casey agreed with that, and right now she thought she had every right to be just a little selfish right now.

Still, she couldn’t come right out and ask him, pushing the matter would only push Gavin further away. She had learned that much from living with him at least. He wasn’t the kind of man you could confront or be forceful with. He was too defensive, too quick to turn his back because he didn’t want to make any choices. And so she opted to take this slow and test the water just by touching her toe to the surface. And honestly, with the look of anxiety on his face, Casey could guess that Gavin probably didn’t even know what he was doing yet anyway.

“Oh,” she voiced softly with a nod of her head. She let her attention be distracted by her daughter, turning her eyes away from the man for just a moment. The way he said it made him sound ashamed almost, but she wasn’t sure if that was real or if he was just trying to concoct some story so he didn’t have to really tell her what he had up to. Not that it really mattered much at this point.“I just wondered.” Her voice was quiet, small not trying to pry or looking to start any trouble.

Truth was, she thought about him, wondered if was doing ok out there doing whatever he was doing. She cared about him still, even though she knew he probably didn’t want her to. Casey didn’t really know where any of this was heading or what kind of a future they could possibly have after dealing with all this, and that was only if he decided to stay. She drew in a deep rattled breath and exhaled slowly, eyes meeting his once more. “She’s gonna scream. Just though I should warn you.” Every time they had come for shots and boosters, the baby had screamed bloody murder and really she couldn’t blame her. “You think you can handle that?”
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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Joined: Jun 15 2014, 10:17 PM

May 4 2016, 02:18 AM #10

It was good that Casey saw just how much of an effort Gavin was making, but that didn't mean that he shouldn't be doing more. He had fucked up. Yes, she had too, but they both had problems here, it wasn't just him, and it wasn't just her. It took two people to fuck up a relationship, and right now, maybe he was a little bit more in the wrong than she was, but that didn't mean that all of the blame was his. Just...most of it. She had already atoned for her own wrong doings, or at least she had tried, which was more than GAvin could say, at least until tonight, and now?

Now he was trying his best.

"Yeah." He bit his lip, slightly ashamed of where he had been hiding out. IT wasn't a great place, but it was a place where he could think, and he had thought a lot, about her, and the baby, and what HE wanted as a person, and it was pretty clear that he wanted more than nothing. He had been with her all the way up through the birth, and he didn't understand why he had gone so apeshit. It wasn't his baby, but that didn't mean that she hadn't chosen him to father it, so what was the big deal? The big deal was that he was scared, and he didn't know what to do, and yes he felt stupid for believing for so long that she was just early, that her pregnancy was just progressing quickly. He didn't like being made a fool of, and he really had felt that way.

He frowned, though, when she said that the child was going to scream. Could he handle that? Of course he could, right? He was a grown ass man, and he could handle a screaming baby, he was sure of it. "Yeah, of course I can," he said, nodding. He bit his lip, pausing, though. "Are...they going to hurt her?" He asked. Okay, it was shots, he knew they hurt, but...he wasn't sure that he wanted to see the baby hurting, his baby or not.

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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May 6 2016, 10:36 PM #11

She didn’t push the issue, simply nodded her head in a singular motion, letting her eyes fall to the floor. Casey wasn’t sure what she had wanted to hear. She had been living in their house, raising her baby, just the two of them while Gavin was out apparently staying alone in some motel. If that was true (which she would assume it was at this point instead of pointing fingers and picking fights), she felt bad for him. He had a family, he had a sister nearby, anywhere else he could have stayed other than at a motel. Maybe he hadn’t even told his parents, maybe his family didn’t even know and if so, she was curious as to why he would be keeping it all under wraps for now.

Maybe there was hope, but Casey couldn’t lean comfortably on that thought without the fear of it all going to hell. After all that had happened, she felt like they were in a decent place which surprised her. But in the end there was still the possibility that they just were not cut out to live this life together.

Licking her lips, the young woman nodded once more to her husband’s reply. Of course he could handle it. She didn’t really know why she asked, but she didn’t want a scene, she wanted to be completely upfront and honest with him from this point on, good or bad. She looked up at him with a curious glance, slowing nodding her head. “Yeah it hurts.” As if he should automatically know that and asking was the dumbest thing ever, Casey had to remind herself this was a guy. Guys didn’t really think about things.

She sighed and ran a hand over the little girls head in a tender touch. “She doesn’t understand,” she started with a drop of her shoulders. “She always screams bloody murder, but I guess it has to be done.” Casey gave a sorry look. “Half the time I think it’s worse for me then it is for her.” At least the little girl could be comforted in her mother’s arms, whereas the young mother did it all on her own.

Eyes lifted back up to the man sitting there by her, “You can leave if you want though, really.” She wasn’t trying to rope him into anything here, she wasn’t trying to get him to commit to something, and certainly not trying to trick him into playing the father role. He was free. Free to come or go as he pleased.
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Gavin Carter
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Gavin Carter
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May 7 2016, 05:07 PM #12

Yes, it was true where Gavin had been hiding out. His parents knew, but not much, and he had been doing his best to sort of...stay away from his family right now. He needed his head to be clear, he needed these next few decisions to be his own. He didn't want anything to taint the choice that he was going to make, because whether to stay with Casey and raise Addi or not was going to be a choice that shaped the rest of his fucking life, and he wanted to make sure that he didn't do anything stupid. He was going to play this one as smart as he could...and tat was not something that he was skilled at.

He had felt that being alone was going to help there, and the one thing that had come of it was that he had written some music again. Everything was...confusing, yes, but he wasn't sure that was a bad thing at all. He just wanted to make sure that he was hanging on to what he had, if it was worth hanging onto. He was so quick to throw things away because they were difficult and maybe, in his growing up, that wasn't the right way to go about life anymore. But of course, growing up wasn't easy for someone like Gavin.

He nodded. Of course he should have known it hurt. Shots always did, and he bit his lip, not sure that he loved the idea if all of this going down, but he definitely wasn't going to be one of those anti-vaccine people that had to write apologetic op-eds when their kids died of whooping cough or whatever. He wanted to make sure that this girl had the best of everything, whether he was her father or not. Addi, after all, had not done anything wrong. Original sin was bullshit, as far as he was concerned.

"No, i'm not gonna leave," he said, biting his lip. "Why don't you? I mean, not leave, just...step out. If it's so hard on you, let me take it on this time, I'll hold her, and you can go get a cup of coffee or something. Miss the tough part." Sure, he didn't KNOW that he would be able to calm her down, and he wasn't sure that Casey would trust him to do this aynways, but offering That felt important. She wasn't asking him to do anything, and somehow, that made him feel like SHE had matured in the situation a little. Maybe they both needed to grow up, and it wasn't going to do any good if it was just one of them.

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Casey Carter
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Casey Carter
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Jul 14 2016, 03:24 PM #13

There was no magic potion that was going fix their current situation and even if there was, Casey wasn’t sure that she would even be tempted to use it. Her life was far from perfect and she had accepted that for a long time now. But now she had more than herself to think about and even if she wanted so badly for her daughter to have a wonderful life, a loving and full family to support her in wherever she decided to go, Casey did not want her family to be one that was only complete because of her. She didn’t want Addi to grow up with a father who really didn’t want to be her father.

And that was something Gavin needed to decide on his own, so Casey could only sit back and watch his every move, his every action, every decision he made.

Perhaps that really meant that he needed more time with the baby, maybe he needed more time in that role in order to make a complete decision. It was all fine and well, but Casey knew there was a fine line. A fine line where her daughter would get attached to his strong presence in her life and Gavin would turn his back on her; and she couldn’t let that happen.

And so when he made his offer to take care of this today, to give her a get out of jail free card, she was more than just a little hesitant. Yes, the doctor would be there and nothing bad could happen, but what if Addi was scared for life when the only person she knew wasn’t there when she needed her and this stranger was the only one who could comfort her? Yet it also showed her that Gavin had grown up if only just a little bit. “Seriously? You’re sure?” There was always crying and pouty tears, and tension, and she felt like it was even harder on her as a mother than it was for the baby. Maybe if she left her and her own fears were out of the picture it wouldn’t be so dramatic for her daughter.

“I don’t know . . . I mean . . .” Casey struggled with the idea, that much was obviously by the painful look on her face. “I guess, just for a little while . . . “ A heavy breath escaped, her shoulders slumped slightly, unsure if she was making the right choice or not. If you ever could really tell if you were making the right choice or nod. The young woman nodded slowly, becoming more settled in the decision. “I’ll just be right outside though.”
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