Narcissist/questioning myself.

kimweston
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Joined: 3:47 AM - Jan 27, 2018

4:25 AM - Jan 27, 2018 #1

Do you ever wonder if YOU are actually the narcissist!? I mean sometimes I’m like.........well I do that sometimes, maybe its actually me. its all so difficult to wrap my mind around. I mean I’ve asked my x to let go of certain friends (I mean the friends were women beaters and other various bad behaviors) still tho! Eeekkk also I often feel like I’m turning the blame around too, mine is more like around, around tho, since it all starts with some imitate or inconsiderate behavior on his part then he deflects on to me then I try to bring it back to the origination........ugh okay i guess this would be “crazy making”. I guess I just needed to talk this out, cause that really helped me see things more clearly. I was listining to a book “Psychopath free” and it has 30 traits of a narcissist or psychopath and I could look at some of those behaviors and put the shoe on the other foot and see how my x could possibly claim that some of my counter behaviors were narcissistic, so I became concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist 🤭 have any of you ever looked at it this way or had this feeling? I mean I’m completely a codependent and care taker, I even have the CODA coins to prove it. still it freaks me out from time to time when I look back at some of my coping mechanisms and how they would be perceived from the other side and could be seen as narcissistic. any thoughts? thanks for listining!


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kimweston
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Joined: 3:47 AM - Jan 27, 2018

4:46 AM - Jan 27, 2018 #2

Sorry.............I guess I should’ve started with a little background.........I’m 45 and my mother is a narcissist if not a full blown psychopath so is my brother and all the men I’ve been in a romantic relationship with, my father is a BIG TIME codependent/caretaker.


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laureymoles
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Joined: 6:25 PM - Jan 01, 2010

12:30 PM - Jan 28, 2018 #3

Yes absolutely felt that way. It makes sense actually because we all have a normal level of narcissism.
This article really helped me feel better. Have a read..

https://psychcentral.com/lib/narcissist ... -vs-normal

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kimweston
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Joined: 3:47 AM - Jan 27, 2018

3:59 PM - Jan 28, 2018 #4

Thank you @laureymoles that was very helpful and insightful! :)


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childno6
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childno6
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Joined: 9:06 PM - Dec 12, 2008

4:17 PM - Jan 28, 2018 #5

kimweston wrote: Do you ever wonder if YOU are actually the narcissist!? I mean sometimes I’m like.........well I do that sometimes, maybe its actually me. its all so difficult to wrap my mind around. I mean I’ve asked my x to let go of certain friends (I mean the friends were women beaters and other various bad behaviors) still tho! Eeekkk also I often feel like I’m turning the blame around too, mine is more like around, around tho, since it all starts with some imitate or inconsiderate behavior on his part then he deflects on to me then I try to bring it back to the origination........ugh okay i guess this would be “crazy making”. I guess I just needed to talk this out, cause that really helped me see things more clearly. I was listining to a book “Psychopath free” and it has 30 traits of a narcissist or psychopath and I could look at some of those behaviors and put the shoe on the other foot and see how my x could possibly claim that some of my counter behaviors were narcissistic, so I became concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist 🤭 have any of you ever looked at it this way or had this feeling? I mean I’m completely a codependent and care taker, I even have the CODA coins to prove it. still it freaks me out from time to time when I look back at some of my coping mechanisms and how they would be perceived from the other side and could be seen as narcissistic. any thoughts?  thanks for listining!


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In my experience, both narcissists and psychopaths are completely devoid of introspection. Rest easy; as that is precisely what you've described having, you are neither.
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kimweston
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Joined: 3:47 AM - Jan 27, 2018

5:57 PM - Jan 28, 2018 #6

childno6 wrote:
kimweston wrote: Do you ever wonder if YOU are actually the narcissist!? I mean sometimes I’m like.........well I do that sometimes, maybe its actually me. its all so difficult to wrap my mind around. I mean I’ve asked my x to let go of certain friends (I mean the friends were women beaters and other various bad behaviors) still tho! Eeekkk also I often feel like I’m turning the blame around too, mine is more like around, around tho, since it all starts with some imitate or inconsiderate behavior on his part then he deflects on to me then I try to bring it back to the origination........ugh okay i guess this would be “crazy making”. I guess I just needed to talk this out, cause that really helped me see things more clearly. I was listining to a book “Psychopath free” and it has 30 traits of a narcissist or psychopath and I could look at some of those behaviors and put the shoe on the other foot and see how my x could possibly claim that some of my counter behaviors were narcissistic, so I became concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist 🤭 have any of you ever looked at it this way or had this feeling? I mean I’m completely a codependent and care taker, I even have the CODA coins to prove it. still it freaks me out from time to time when I look back at some of my coping mechanisms and how they would be perceived from the other side and could be seen as narcissistic. any thoughts?  thanks for listining!


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In my experience, both narcissists and psychopaths are completely devoid of introspection. Rest easy; as that is precisely what you've described having, you are neither.
Thank you, its all so confusing at times.



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childno6
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childno6
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6:39 PM - Jan 28, 2018 #7

kimweston wrote:
childno6 wrote:
kimweston wrote: Do you ever wonder if YOU are actually the narcissist!? I mean sometimes I’m like.........well I do that sometimes, maybe its actually me. its all so difficult to wrap my mind around. I mean I’ve asked my x to let go of certain friends (I mean the friends were women beaters and other various bad behaviors) still tho! Eeekkk also I often feel like I’m turning the blame around too, mine is more like around, around tho, since it all starts with some imitate or inconsiderate behavior on his part then he deflects on to me then I try to bring it back to the origination........ugh okay i guess this would be “crazy making”. I guess I just needed to talk this out, cause that really helped me see things more clearly. I was listining to a book “Psychopath free” and it has 30 traits of a narcissist or psychopath and I could look at some of those behaviors and put the shoe on the other foot and see how my x could possibly claim that some of my counter behaviors were narcissistic, so I became concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist 🤭 have any of you ever looked at it this way or had this feeling? I mean I’m completely a codependent and care taker, I even have the CODA coins to prove it. still it freaks me out from time to time when I look back at some of my coping mechanisms and how they would be perceived from the other side and could be seen as narcissistic. any thoughts?  thanks for listining!


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In my experience, both narcissists and psychopaths are completely devoid of introspection. Rest easy; as that is precisely what you've described having, you are neither.
Thank you, its all so confusing at times.



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One thing to be wary of, however, is that they are extremely adept -- the high-functioning ones -- at projecting their own misdeeds, sick/evil thoughts, etc., onto you, similar to "gaslighting."  "Gaslighting is a malicious and hidden form of mental and emotional abuse designed to plant seeds of self-doubt and alter your perception of reality." -- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/to ... aslighting
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jajo
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jajo
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Joined: 3:50 AM - Mar 23, 2010

12:47 PM - Feb 05, 2018 #8

kimweston wrote: Do you ever wonder if YOU are actually the narcissist!? I mean sometimes I’m like.........well I do that sometimes, maybe its actually me. its all so difficult to wrap my mind around. I mean I’ve asked my x to let go of certain friends (I mean the friends were women beaters and other various bad behaviors) still tho! Eeekkk also I often feel like I’m turning the blame around too, mine is more like around, around tho, since it all starts with some imitate or inconsiderate behavior on his part then he deflects on to me then I try to bring it back to the origination........ugh okay i guess this would be “crazy making”. I guess I just needed to talk this out, cause that really helped me see things more clearly. I was listining to a book “Psychopath free” and it has 30 traits of a narcissist or psychopath and I could look at some of those behaviors and put the shoe on the other foot and see how my x could possibly claim that some of my counter behaviors were narcissistic, so I became concerned that maybe I’m the narcissist 🤭 have any of you ever looked at it this way or had this feeling? I mean I’m completely a codependent and care taker, I even have the CODA coins to prove it. still it freaks me out from time to time when I look back at some of my coping mechanisms and how they would be perceived from the other side and could be seen as narcissistic. any thoughts?  thanks for listining!


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I have a different perspective:

I think this is a common thought/feeling and to varying degrees, I think it can be an accurate one.  I wouldn't say that it means I am THE narcissist. My ex-partner was definitely a narcissist. However, we all have shadow elements to our personalities and being with a narcissist means that one suffers injury to one's basic, healthy narcissism on a regular basis.  One of the ways one copes with these injuries is to defend by upping one's own narcissistic tendencies, so yes, victims of narcissists can and do find themselves acting in ways at times that are clearly pathologically narcissistic.  It's also a way to cope by taking on the worldview/behaviour of the perp; a quite common coping mechanism used by persons in relationship with alcoholics for example.  
This is the hardest kind of work to undertake as one begins to heal--owning one's own shadow.  Self-forgiveness  is key.  True forgiveness means acknowledgment of the wrongdoing, expressing regret/remorse, making a commitment to not do whatever it was one did again and taking responsibility for changing oneself in such a way that the risk of "re-offending" is minimized.  At the very least, one has to be brutally honest with oneself in order to forgive oneself.  There can be a tendency on the part of well-meaning others to quickly step in and say, oh,no, no, you're the victim, you didn't do anything wrong.  Only we know what's in our hearts.  If not acknowledged and worked through, the pathologically narcissist seeds in ourselves keep us tied to the narcissist whose behaviour prompted us to sow those seeds in the first place.
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Joined: 12:51 AM - Mar 05, 2018

1:13 AM - Mar 05, 2018 #9

The fact you even ask that question means you are not..

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survivorinTN
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Joined: 5:46 AM - Jul 24, 2018

7:01 AM - Jul 24, 2018 #10

Thank you for asking this question.  I too am dealing with the blame game and how he manipulates me to the point of confusion.  I even had a mutual friend tell me I was the N and it blew me away.  I am looking up how to determine if I am the N and came across this forum.
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