I am quite new to the term, psychopath, i always thought it is only someone they described in scary movies.. until recently.
I met my husband at varsity, and seven years later we reconnect on facebook. Our story began as an fairy tale and mine ended as a nightmare. Our relationship took off quite quickly as he said all the right words and really showed commitment to our relationship, We got engaged within 3 months from reconnecting and i moved to his country of residence within 6 months. Although i initially thought all marriages are tough and that we can work through most issues, i recently read psychopath free which made me wonder if my husband is really the psychopath they described in the book. What lead me to my life going up in flames, was the following. After being married for 3 years, and whilst planning to build our dream home, my husband came home one night jsut after his 30th birthday and exclaimed that he does not love me, he never loved me and that he wants a divorce. He disappeared for a week without returning my calls or replying to my texts. He showed up a week later and without any hesitation told me that he has spend the last week with a woman he met on facebook and that she really understands and appreciates him in ways that i never could. he gave me the details of how they interacted physically and that she understands his body and needs better than i ever could. He moved out of the house a week later. During the last week he stayed in our home he made it very clear that the entire deterioration of the marriage was my fault as i was a bad wife, i do not know him, i do not understand him, i do not know how to touch or love him or know what he wants in life. He told met that he never wanted to marry me and that i was the biggest mistake of his life. he made remarks of how he was never attracted to me and that i smelled funny, the way i ate irritated him, the fact that i am an attorney annoyed him and the fact that i had no friends was a problem. He further told me that i had a drinking problem, and the i always disrespected him and never appreciated him. He basically told me that everything was my fault, even the fact that he cheated on me with various woman, chatted to them on a daily basis and that he wanted sex from them as i could not give him what he wanted. And he left. My life ended, well it seemed that way then, the day he left. during my time with him i became completely reliant and dependent on him for my happiness and my entire world revolved around making him happy. i took the blame and apologized for being such a bad wife, i begged him to come back and that i could make everything better but he refused. he tortured me with this verbal abuse for about two months, he even made me make a list of all the things i did wrong and he read it out aloud. One night he came to my house, after he moved out and said he wanted to come clean about our time together so that i can see that why he want a divorce. he told me that he has been having affairs within 3 months from when we got engaged. he told me in detail what he did with each woman and how it made him feel so good. He told me that he hated me most of the time and he wanted to object at our wedding. I cried and cried and begged him to stop. I did not want to hear these hurtful things. I asked him why he married me if he never loved me and he replied that he wanted to proof to himself he was a committed guy and he was ready to settle and marry someone, but i destroyed his life. i disrespected him, i drank to much and i never made him happy. I was horrified. i could not understand what had happened that he suddenly acted this way and said all those terrible things. i tried to be better and begged him for two months to come home but he refused. Luckily i had some sense left to see a therapist and surround myself with my mother. My therapist really encourage me to stop contact with him and move on with my life as it was clearly a toxic situation. I must confess i could not leave him alone. I was sitting at my phone at my house waiting for his response or a call, even if he blamed me again, i just wanted some kind of reaction from him. My mind even believed that i can forgive him for all the affairs and lies and that we can have a wonderful life together if i just be better at being a wife. If i just stop being jealous and insecure and stop drinking ( i even joined the AA even though my therapist told me i do not have a drinking problem) and do everything he asks.
During this horrible period, i stopped eating, i could not focus at work, my body came to a complete shut down. I was sitting at work with nothing left to live for but wait for a reply from him when i read about psychopaths. Their characteristics seemed to match up with my husband but still in disbelief, i tried to work on our marriage. I had a lot of support from my friends and family and i really tried to think back what could cause his reactions. My husband is a chemical engineer, busy with his mba, so i thought it may be work stress that caused this behavior, but my therapist told me that he was not busy with his mba during that time that he first entered into his first affair. I realised that there were so many lies he told me and that it feat like my entire marriage was a sham, i had an idea of what he was and what our marriage was like, but it turned out to be something totally different.
I never told anyone but during the time we were married, i got two cats, because he always seemed to work late and was never around. Some days when he was particularly down or drank he would hurt my cats, to the extent that he sat one alight and he threw the other one into the air and watched him fall to the ground and continue. he even tried to drown them. I told myself it was because he was down because he was retrenched, or because he was maybe bullied as a child. I was very relieved to give them away when he got employment in my country and when we moved.
My 1 year and 8 mohts in his country remains a complete haze, i can only remeber some bad moments due the the severe trauma he caused me. I can recall that we we argued he would grab me by the troat and through me around in our room. When we aruged when he drove he would accelarate the vehicle to dagenrous speeds and then suddenly break. he would push my head against the window or bang it against it the dash board. One evening we got in an arguement where he left me at the restaurtant and picked me up an hourly later, when i aske dhim why he is doing this he laughed in my face. I got so mad that i attacked him. Just 2 monhts after our marraige. It was the first time i had ever hit someone in the face. Despite the fact the he tossed me on the ground and started kicking me i continued to fight like i was trying to win back my respect, but i lost. I cant rember when the phsycial abuse started, it mostly started beacuse he was drunk and started to text woman, or when i caught him chatting to woman, then he got mad and attacked me. it really got bad this year when he at my birthday got so mad at me for scolding him for being drunk again that he pulled my hair, knock my head against the window of my car and it ended up me breaking my arm, then just a couple of weeks later he took my head and baggned it on the floor until i cracked my skull.
I was living in denial, and blamed the achol, blamed myself for getting into an argument with him. becuase we argued so much, we never went out with friends, my family did not want to come visit us as he made them feel very uncomforable.
he spoke to my close friends behding my back and discourage me to be friends with them. he said my seniors at my office did not have my best will at heart and i almost quit my job.
So when he left me, my relationship with my work collegues, family and friends was in very bad shape. I healt was in very bad shape as i developed an eating disorder whilts trying to be the perfect wife. I was anxious and depressed and struggled to wake up and make it passed 8 in the mornings and not fall asleep or stuff my face with sweets. I life was in ruins. I felat like my life had no meaning without him despite the fact of what he did. I blamed myself and believed i was the cause of all my pain and suffering. I was close to a complete breakdown.
But when you are at your lowest, something magical happens, you find the strenght to continue. I read books about recovering from emotional abuse, i saw my therapist weekly and called my mother and close friends daily to find the strenght to continue. I read and read, and i wrote and recoreded all my emotions. On hard days i cried and slept all day and on better days i walked on the beach and went out with friends.
i am now at the point were i have initiated the divorce proceedings, which will come to finality ont eh 18th of September 2017. I still struggle with the no contact rule as i do miss him. My brain somehow blocks out all the bad stuff, the list above is only a drop in the bucket of what happended but this is all i can recall.
we had a short chat yesterday in which he commanded me, like he always do to move on with my life, that he is done with me and that he want to get rid of me and move on with his life. he told me that i should not delay this process and that i should go to court. He told me that it is my fault that i lossed him and that he has never been happier without me in his life. This was his last words to me, his wife for the last 3 years, which has supported him fiancially with his mba, who cooked and cleaned after him, which paid for all our holidays, his clothes and activities. Who has supported him thourght his relationship with his family and the loss of his job. I was there when he was unemployed for three months, and i applied for jobs for him When he tried to take on a new scheme i supported him, there were always new schemes. When he chatted or cheated i forgave him. When he was rude or abusive i forgave him. I tried to be better, i did nothing for myself and everything for him. ( to such an extent that i have so much time for myself now i do not know what to do with it) I cant remeber when was the last time he made me laugh or actually did anything nice for me or to me. I cant remember anything he actually positively contributed to my life, except during the first few months when we met when he was this amazing prince charming that made me belief i was his sole mate.
everything he loved about me he hated in the end,
That was the thank you i got for being the best wife i could possibly be. I still struggle, but the fact that i am being completely honest about the past and writing this post today is proof that i am becoming stronger, and i am moving in the right direction of being free of the abuse and the pain.
Somethimes i still wonder whether he may be suffering and have issues and that i should wait for him, but days like today he acts like a complete idiot and then i truly hate him for causing so much pain, with nothing to show for it.
What are your thoughts, could he be a psychopath or does he just have some issues he needs to work through. was i the cause of my own circumstances.
I loook forward to your replies.