Top 5 Bible Quotes

Top 5 Bible Quotes

spoon99
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Joined: 06 Jul 2010, 10:37

11 Aug 2012, 04:31 #1

No disrespect meant, but even believers would have to admit that these are a little odd:

#5. Genesis 19:8 "Look, I have two virgin daughters. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do with them as you wish."

#4. 2 Kings 2:23-24 (NKJV) "Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."

#3. Deuteronomy 23:1 (NLT) "If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD."

#2. Ezekiel 23:19-20 (NET) "Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

#1, the perennial winner: Psalm 139:7 (GWT) "Blessed is the one who grabs your little children and smashes them against a rock."
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elvischomsky
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Joined: 13 Jan 2006, 16:26

11 Aug 2012, 04:39 #2

spoon99 @ Aug 11 2012, 04:31 AM wrote: No disrespect meant, but even believers would have to admit that these are a little odd:

#5. Genesis 19:8 "Look, I have two virgin daughters. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do with them as you wish."

#4. Kings 2:23-24 (NKJV) "Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, �Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!� So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths."

#3. Deuteronomy 23:1 (NLT) "If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD."

#2. Ezekiel 23:19-20 (NET) "Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals � as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

#1, the perennial winner: Psalm 139:7 (GWT) "Blessed is the one who grabs your little children and smashes them against a rock."
Oh the Bible's a classic.
There's genocide on every page.
Slavery, misogyny, homophobia, incest, paedophilia... it's hard to know where to start.

But I do like this one.

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them." (Ezekiel 4:12-13)

ie Eat shit, Christers.
'A good man and loyal' MES 2014.

I've never met a Fall fan I did like.
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Gaz
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Gaz
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Joined: 16 Aug 2004, 12:51

11 Aug 2012, 04:40 #3

So, you like cracked.com?

Each of you examples are lifted from a recent article on there.

Nowt wrong with that. It's an interesting topic. How about this one?


Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet,
and she said "You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”



Funny, it never made it into Bob Marley's version of Exodus.
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elvischomsky
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Joined: 13 Jan 2006, 16:26

11 Aug 2012, 05:00 #4

Gaz @ Aug 11 2012, 04:40 AM wrote: So, you like cracked.com?

Each of you examples are lifted from a recent article on there.

Nowt wrong with that. It's an interesting topic. How about this one?


Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son�s foreskin and threw it at Moses� feet,
and she said "You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.�



Funny, it never made it into Bob Marley's version of Exodus.
I think they're taken from the Bible, dear.

Anyway, here's another goody - eat your kids!

"And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son...." (II Kings 6:28-29)

x
'A good man and loyal' MES 2014.

I've never met a Fall fan I did like.
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Gaz
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Gaz
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Joined: 16 Aug 2004, 12:51

11 Aug 2012, 05:07 #5

When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them.
Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent.
At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.

... it's like Harry Potter!
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elvischomsky
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Joined: 13 Jan 2006, 16:26

11 Aug 2012, 05:20 #6

Gaz @ Aug 11 2012, 05:07 AM wrote: When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them.
Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent.
At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.

... it's like Harry Potter!
The bit where Jesus walked on water was true though? :unsure:
'A good man and loyal' MES 2014.

I've never met a Fall fan I did like.
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Gaz
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Gaz
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Joined: 16 Aug 2004, 12:51

11 Aug 2012, 05:29 #7

elvischomsky @ Aug 11 2012, 06:20 AM wrote:
Gaz @ Aug 11 2012, 05:07 AM wrote: When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them.
Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent.
At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.

... it's like Harry Potter!
The bit where Jesus walked on water was true though? :unsure:
I dunno. I missed it. :(
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elvischomsky
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Joined: 13 Jan 2006, 16:26

11 Aug 2012, 05:37 #8

Gaz @ Aug 11 2012, 05:29 AM wrote:
elvischomsky @ Aug 11 2012, 06:20 AM wrote:
Gaz @ Aug 11 2012, 05:07 AM wrote: When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them.
Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent.
At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.

... it's like Harry Potter!
The bit where Jesus walked on water was true though? :unsure:
I dunno. I missed it. :(
I think he must have - cause he is our lord, Jesus.
He can also turn water into wine and perform many other sensational magic tricks.
Available for weddings, bar mitzvahs... well maybe not bar mitzvahs. :)
'A good man and loyal' MES 2014.

I've never met a Fall fan I did like.
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spoon99
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Joined: 06 Jul 2010, 10:37

11 Aug 2012, 05:41 #9

elvischomsky @ Aug 11 2012, 05:37 PM wrote: I think he must have - cause he is our lord, Jesus.
He can also turn water into wine and perform many other sensational magic tricks.
Available for weddings, bar mitzvahs... well maybe not bar mitzvahs. :)
Jesus was a Jew, so why not?
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Joined: 31 Jan 2008, 13:57

11 Aug 2012, 05:43 #10



The Triumph of David sounded throughout the land.
A Worried Man,Apr 25 2017, 12:18 AM

"GFR is being a prick."
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delmore
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delmore
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Joined: 04 Feb 2009, 22:07

11 Aug 2012, 05:52 #11

Why I recommend the Bible to all young students of literature is that it is one of the very few books that represents people as they really are, as these examples illustrate.
MSGM3... Shombalor!

[img]http://i66.tinypic.com/16iic9l.jpg[img]

http://www.emoticons.online.fr/index.php?cat=Default

Must be born
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spoon99
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Joined: 06 Jul 2010, 10:37

11 Aug 2012, 06:10 #12

elvischomsky @ Aug 11 2012, 05:00 PM wrote: And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him" (II Kings 6:28-29)
That's a good one, which I didn't know, and a top contender. Bonus points for the combination of infanticide and cannibalism. It may knock off big donkey cocks and horse cum on my list :)

-R
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EmCeeDeeJay
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Joined: 18 Feb 2005, 21:21

11 Aug 2012, 08:27 #13

There's some weird stuff around in other sacred faiths as well. For example, the Buddhist Pali Canon mentions two monks, one with a knob long enough to shove up his own bum, and another who could suck his own cock.

None of them were allowed to carry on being monks for very long, as the Pali Canon considers sexual penetration to the depth of a mustard seed (mustard seeds are very, very small) to be an offence punishable by expulsion from the monastic community.

Meanwhile, over in Islam, the women who accompanied the men on the battlefield would celebrate afterwards by making necklaces of the severed noses and ears of the fallen enemies. Or something like that. I can't be arsed checking.The full details are in Maxime Rodinson's biography of Muhammad, and the Buddhism stuff comes from an introduction by Donald Lopez.

My favourite quote from the Bible is 1 Corinthians 15 as recited in the movie Love Exposure.

But my favourite quote of all comes from Kaiten Nukariya's Religion of the Samurai: 'Scripture is no more than waste paper'.

Like all good Zen Buddhists, Nukariya seemed to be aware that there is no substitute for the direct, unmediated, non-conceptual apprehension of reality as it appears before us right here and now.
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Gaz
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Gaz
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Joined: 16 Aug 2004, 12:51

11 Aug 2012, 08:35 #14

EmCeeDeeJay @ Aug 11 2012, 09:27 AM wrote: in Islam, the women who accompanied the men on the battlefield would celebrate afterwards by making necklaces of the severed noses and ears of the fallen enemies. Or something like that. I can't be arsed checking.
Enough for me. I say we bomb the bastards.
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duckpin236
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Joined: 01 Jan 2007, 01:45

11 Aug 2012, 12:17 #15

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.
and tonight the children are crying out in the land where they let the children cry
Yesterday I believed in man;today I don't. And tomorrow? Tomorrow is up in the air.
Standing on a corner waiting for no one is Power.
I wish I was free of that slaving meat wheel and safe in heaven dead.
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Buy Kurious
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006, 19:48

11 Aug 2012, 12:23 #16

EmCeeDeeJay @ Aug 11 2012, 08:27 AM wrote: My favourite quote from the Bible is 1 Corinthians 15 as recited in the movie Love Exposure.
Yes!
"We really made a groovy team but now alone I dream dream dream dream dream..."

RIP EC
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Joseph Holt
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Joined: 19 May 2003, 10:32

11 Aug 2012, 13:34 #17

"... and a friend shall lose his friend's hammer..."

Words to live by...
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duckpin236
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Joined: 01 Jan 2007, 01:45

11 Aug 2012, 14:25 #18

["Wipe that look off your face, Junior!"]


"The eye that mocketh at his father, and despiseth to obey his mother, the ravens of the valley shall pick it out, and the young eagles shall eat it."
and tonight the children are crying out in the land where they let the children cry
Yesterday I believed in man;today I don't. And tomorrow? Tomorrow is up in the air.
Standing on a corner waiting for no one is Power.
I wish I was free of that slaving meat wheel and safe in heaven dead.
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Buy Kurious
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Joined: 24 Mar 2006, 19:48

11 Aug 2012, 14:55 #19

"He who toucheth a man's yak shall find his hand in a bush of hellfire" - Deuteronomy 69
"We really made a groovy team but now alone I dream dream dream dream dream..."

RIP EC
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biggestlibraryyet
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Joined: 26 Mar 2007, 17:38

11 Aug 2012, 15:54 #20

Genesis 19: 26

But Lot's wife looked back and she turned into a pillar of salt.

Poor Lot's wife. :( That always bummed me out.
did you ever go clear?
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Dolb
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Dolb
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Joined: 11 Aug 2011, 17:34

11 Aug 2012, 18:54 #21

Tis an evil arse as don't rejoice, thats in the bible!
It was no matter of small consequence.
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ryaneno
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Joined: 28 May 2009, 22:29

11 Aug 2012, 19:25 #22

The whole bit about Loth's daughters getting their old man drunk and raping him. Family values...

And Revelations reads like it was written by a paranoid schizophrenic...
Try To Be Grateful


Painful Defecation http://painfuldefecation.bandcamp.com/
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EmCeeDeeJay
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Joined: 18 Feb 2005, 21:21

12 Aug 2012, 09:07 #23

Two more good ones:

Deuteronomy 23 v1 :

'A man whose testicles are crushed.....may never join the assembly of the LORD.'

I guess that rules out Gazza after his famous encounter with Vinnie Jones.

Exodus 20v26

'And do not approach my altar by going up steps. If you do, someone might look up under your clothing and see your nakedness.'

From memory, this rule applied to men.
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EmCeeDeeJay
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Joined: 18 Feb 2005, 21:21

12 Aug 2012, 09:10 #24

ryaneno @ Aug 12 2012, 07:25 AM wrote: And Revelations reads like it was written by a paranoid schizophrenic...
I like the fact that it inspired this:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/tnDHDtzs8-Q
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Joined: 03 Mar 2007, 20:52

12 Aug 2012, 09:34 #25

"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Coldplay fan to enter the Kingdom Of Heaven"

Kitty says Hello lovely everybody, let's friend with music and Deadly Premonition.
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