Christmas ... 2017
My first Christmas since Phillip's death is now ending. It was hard just as I knew it would be. I had loving invitations to family gatherings but I chose to remain here in my apartment ... alone ... without a scrap of Christmas decoration. Next year I will place a beautiful wreath on my front door and I will joyfully embrace the holiday with Children, grandchildren, close friends and sweet relatives ...
But not this year ...
This year I needed to be alone.
I played the music Phillip and I loved best as memory revisited twelve wonderful Christmases shared with each other. Those years and those celebrations were the happiest either of us had ever known.
Sun is setting now ...
Day is done.
Chuck, thank you for inviting news from Arkansas. Now, if only I could SEE the news I'm sending ... (sigh) My vision is so poor now it's almost non existent. I can type up a storm ... don't need my eyes for that. My fingers just whiz across the keyboard like I'm eighteen again and sitting on the front row in typing class.
Problem is ... I can't go back and proofread later. So ,,, all the typos and misspellings ... well ... deal with em. Why did we ever think all that stuff was important anyway?
Chuck, I'm going to list my phone number. 501-943-7174 ... probably against the rules ... Don will send me off in exile much farther than the Mason-Dixon line this time. . I don't care. I no longer have time to follow rules or respect sensible proper boundaries. I'm so afraid of losing you forever ... You and Leep and Kenny and Don and Ridge and I don't know who all else. Don't ask me WHY I'm so reluctant to lose you. You're bad to the bone. Every single one of you. But ... I've been used to you for a bunch of years now and I'm stuck worrying about you.
News from Arkansas : I love my apartment. Neighborhood is pleasant but not intrusive. I've been here a little over four months now. It took some getting used to. I'll tell you that. I was glad to be back in my home state after being away for so many years, but ... I was homesick for Tennessee too. Only, no, it wasn't Tennessee I wanted. It was Phillip. Soon as I faced that and forced myself to accept the fact that Phillip was gone, I began to settle in a little better.
Phillip spent three months in the nursing home before he died, I quit eating during that time. Don't know what I thought I was doing ... certainly it wasn't gonna help anything for me to starve myself ... who knows .why we humans do the useless goofy things we do ... anyway, I lost a lot of weight and no matter how well I eat today I can't seem to gain it back. The scales seem permanently stuck on 109 now and I've decided to quit worrying. 109 is about right for my five foot two frame and I've inherited piles of hand me down clothes from daughters and granddaughters. Shoot! I may never see the inside of a Dillard's store again. (confession: I never did see the inside of Dillards all that much. I just liked to complain about NASCAR causing me to Miss all the good sales going on there while I was chained to the computer and forced to listen to the sounds of all those screaming raging motors.
Oh, Chuck ... those were good ole days.
Stay safe and well, dear Chuuck. . you mean so much to me. Please stay safe and well ....
and Kenny ... are you reading this, Kenny? are you getting better? Try hard. Eat good. Rest. Mind Cari. Try HARD to get a lot better.
What about you, Leep? I need to talk to Dorothy. She'd tell me the truth about everything. Write me a song, Leep. Write me something happy. Post it up in the general category. I'll find it. One day just when I need it most, I'll find a song from you. Do it.