Phillip ...

Phillip ...

Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Feb 10 2018, 10:54 AM #1

Okay, ya'll ... it's 3:30am Arkansas time and I'm up roaming around the apartment ... wishing for some dishes to wash or some floors to scrub ... thinking about starting my washing machine, but, no, I'd better not.  There is a perfectly nice lady living on the other side of my apartment wall and she probably sleeps normal hours like a normal person.  

I don't expect ever to be normal again in this life.  Was I ever?  Oh, well, we won't go there. (sigh)

The thing is  ... My Phillip ... my beloved precious damnyankee Phillip ... got me so confused, as the years went by, that I didn't know the difference between night and day.  The two of us were often up during the wee hours ... sometimes for health reasons ... more often than not, for fun.  I swear we had some of our best  parties at 3am.    We'd think up stuff we wanted from the kitchen.  Sometimes, I'd bring leftover fish in to his hospital bed.  I remember once he looked at the fish and suddenly had a craving for cole slaw and fried potatoes and waited ... happily content ... staring at the fish ... until I went back to the kitchen and rustled up and entire meal.  

and we both loved it.  

I remember those nights as filled with conversation and laughter.  How could two old people with serious health issues have such a good time?  I dunno.  But we did.  We did.  Our neighbors never quite understood us ... not that we cared a hoot ...all those years we lived in our apartment in Murfreesboro, Tennessee.  Neighbors wanted to pity us but Phillip and I never needed an ounce of pity.  We had a good life and I told the well meaning souls that fact over and over again.  They never believed us but it was true.  We had a good life.  We were happy.  We considered ourselves lucky beyond belief.  We'd both had earlier lives ... earlier marriages ... we 'd both lived through hurtful lonely times.  When Phillip's MS was diagnosed in 1987 his wife bailed right out on him.  He spent a lot of years alone before our paths crossed and I found my way to his door.   From that minute on, we felt safe.  We had each other.   We enjoyed each other's company all the way to the end and memories of his sharp mind and funny sense of humor still keep me company today.  

A few days before he died, I was sitting beside his bed in the nursing home ... he said, "You're too quiet, Jonelle."  
I said, "I'm practicing not talking so much.  I'm trying real hard to be quieter."
He said, "Why?"
I said, " Because I want to become an elderly person who has dignity.  I want to be calm and composed."
He said simply, "Won't work."  and grinned and winked at me.  

These memories ... no matter how small and insignificant  they may seem ... fill me with peace and happiness  .


  
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Leep
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Leep
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Joined: Jan 30 2007, 07:10 PM

Feb 20 2018, 07:14 PM #2

I wish I had the chance to know Phillip..I am glad that he and Chuck had the chance to talk to one another..I am so terrible on the phone.I pace and walk all through the house when I am on the phone..I never stop..I also never answer my phone..We haven't even had a message on our phone..Pick used to put one on whenever we had to replace one, but now there is this deep voiced stranger that answers and says, Leave a mesage..I could post a song Jonelle but most of my songs are sad ones and I didn't want to add to your sadness...Oh, here is one that might work, it gives me comfort when I listen to it..

http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/ab5ff0c63

Take care everyone and I'll be back more often..

Leep:
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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Feb 20 2018, 09:21 PM #3

Leep wrote: I wish I had the chance to know Phillip..I am glad that he and Chuck had the chance to talk to one another..I am so terrible on the phone.I pace and walk all through the house when I am on the phone..I never stop..I also never answer my phone..We haven't even had a message on our phone..Pick used to put one on whenever we had to replace one, but now there is this deep voiced stranger that answers and says, Leave a mesage..I could post a song Jonelle but most of my songs are sad ones and I didn't want to add to your sadness...Oh, here is one that might work, it gives me comfort when I listen to it..

http://www.singsnap.com/karaoke/r/ab5ff0c63

Take care everyone and I'll be back more often..

Leep:

Leep ... Thank you for that.  It was beautiful.  You're such a good friend and beautiful singer.    When Honey Gail comes down I'll get her to help me make sense of all the written parts.  This kind of "blindness" I'm suffering just turns pages of print upside down and topsy turvy.  It's called Macular degeneration.  Have you heard of it.  It isn't the normal kind of vision loss.  It's more that everything in front of my eyes is warped and distorted.     Drives me crazy. 

Honey Gail finished her sixteen week session of chemotherapy last Thursday.  I know you and Chuck will be glad to know she came through it like a trooper.   She must still have surgery to remove what's left of the tumor and then the radiation treatments come next.   So hard, Leep.  So hard.  But she'll live.  Thank God Thank God.   I know Chuck kept her close in his prayers and you did too.  Thank you both.  

I would be trying to send out emails but in the last six months I ave fumble bumbled blindly around and just about destroyed my computer.  I clicked one wrong button too many I suppose and got myself locked out of email forever.  I try not to care.  Couldn't read it if I managed to remember the password.   

I'm into audio books now, Leep.  Currently listening to "To Kill a Mocking Bird"   It's slow going and I don't exactly love it, but I figure I better learn to love it since I will never read a book again in this life.     How's that for being selfish????  My baby daughter is going to live through cancer and here I am wallowing in self-pity because I can't read a book.   (long ashamed of myself sigh here)

Keep yourself safe and well, Leep.  

I mean it.  Don't you dare get sick.  
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ridge
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ridge
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Joined: Jan 30 2010, 10:04 PM

Feb 20 2018, 10:27 PM #4

De's aunt has macular degeneration and the doctors say that De will probably get it.  Her aunt gets a shot in the eye every now and then at a special eye clinic which gives some of her sight back.  She said that it is not as bad as it sounds.

I was totally blind for part of a year back in college a zillion years ago so I know how it is.  I adapted with the help of a lot of friends.  An old retired doctor at the U of M told the rest of the doctors there to leave me alone and I healed up with God's and his help.  The skin was off of my eyes.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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Jonelle
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Feb 21 2018, 12:46 AM #5

ridge wrote: De's aunt has macular degeneration and the doctors say that De will probably get it.  Her aunt gets a shot in the eye every now and then at a special eye clinic which gives some of her sight back.  She said that it is not as bad as it sounds.

I was totally blind for part of a year back in college a zillion years ago so I know how it is.  I adapted with the help of a lot of friends.  An old retired doctor at the U of M told the rest of the doctors there to leave me alone and I healed up with God's and his help.  The skin was off of my eyes.

Ridge, thanks to you and De for passing that information on to me.  I wonder if De's aunt has "wet" macular degeneration.  It's far more serious than dry.  Mine ... so far ... is the dry variety and I'm praying hard it stays that way.  Ridge, ain't no way no doctor is gonna stick a needle in my eye ball.  NEVER.   

I was never sick in my life until rheumatoid arthritis got me about twenty years ago.  I was put on a drug called plaquenil.  Its only bad side effect was that it sometimes caused blindness.  The years went by and I steadily refused all the new biological powerful drugs like Humira and Enbrel and those things . I figured the risks of their side effects by far outweighed the possible benefits for me ... so I stuck with my plaquenil.  and stuck.  and stuck ... until two years ago when straight lines all of a sudden became bent and twisted in my vision.  (De's aunt will understand perfectly)   

I did the eye specialist routine.  After an exhausting day of tests doctor told me I had macular degeneration.  The damage already done could not be repaired.  And the disease would progress.  There was no cure.  He recommended a certain vitamin formula containing leutein and an herb with a funny name I can't spell.   I ordered that supplemenmt and got right on it.  He said it might slow the progress of the disease.  I've taken it faithfully every day for the past two years.  I can't tell that it has helped my vision but it seems to help my pain from RA.  And since I had to give up Plaquenil forever I need all the help I can get.  

I never went back to the eye specialist.  I  I'm one of those difficult people who don't do doctors.  I'll be 82 in June, Ricge, and I take no medicine of any kind and I refuse any and all tests and screenings offered by the medical world.  I have plenty of blue cross blue shield in addition to my medicare.  Someday I'll probably be glad I'm well insured, but I will never willingly go to a doctor.  Not even for a flu shot.   I plan to simply steer myself down the middle of the road ... trying hard to stay out of the ditches on either side ... and live out my life as happy as possible until I die.  

My daughter, Karen, is an RN.  She has helped me gather every scrap of information available about this dreadful eye disease.   We searched the Mayo clinic, John Hopkins, Harvard medical and countless others.   I hope and pray my macular degeneration does not shift from dry to wet.   I understand it's a hundred times more serious if it does.   But, Ridge, I can't imagine EVER allowing a needle to be stuck in my eyeball.     I admire your aunt's bravery and I thank you for telling me about her experience but I just can't allow that thought to come near my mind.   

My parents lived to be 86 and 87.   Based on their longgivity my own journey can't be too far from the end now.   I'll continue avoiding medical help.  It's just the way I am.   

One other thing ... My eye specialist ... on my one visit to him ... told me I would not be able to drive ... and I would not be able to read ... and I would not be able to recognize faces.   The first two made sense but how could he know I would lose my ability to recognize faces?  It made no sense to me ...  If I could see my refrigerator why couldn't I see somebody's face?  WHY:  I don't know.  But it came true.  I can no longer recognize faces.   Did this happen to your aunt?  

So much about this disease is weird.  I cannot see framed pictures of grandchildren on the wall, but I can see their pictures on facebook.   Maybe something  about the slant of the light.  My computer is real big.  It's a TV screen actually.   I have no TV set because I can't see one, but I can sit at my computer and turn on the TV news and if I hold my nose about six inches from the screen I can see pretty well.  

This all sounds dreary, but I've had a long life, Ridge, and the good has outweighed the bad a hundred times over.   I'm okay.

Thanks, Ricge.  for trying to help me.   You're a good man.



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ridge
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ridge
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Joined: Jan 30 2010, 10:04 PM

Feb 21 2018, 04:35 AM #6

My wife's aunt also has rheumatoid arthritis.  De also looks like she might be getting it.  Maybe these terrible things go together.  I hate going to doctors so I know how you feel about that.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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ridge
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ridge
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Feb 21 2018, 04:41 AM #7

I need to figure out how to cut a CD from Leep's songs on here.  I would call it:  The Golden Sounds of Leep.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Feb 21 2018, 01:40 PM #8

ridge wrote: I need to figure out how to cut a CD from Leep's songs on here.  I would call it:  The Golden Sounds of Leep.
Yes, Ridge, Leep's songs are really wonderful.  .  Are you reading this, Leep?  Are you listening?  Your music is appreciated far more than you realize ... 
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Leep
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Leep
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Joined: Jan 30 2007, 07:10 PM

Feb 21 2018, 07:49 PM #9

Yes Ma'am I am listening..(Smile)..
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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Feb 21 2018, 08:33 PM #10

Leep wrote: Yes Ma'am I am listening..(Smile)..
You're a good man, Leep.

I'm glad you're my friend.

Stay safe.
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ridge
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ridge
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Feb 28 2018, 09:09 AM #11

Leep, that is an outstanding song and I felt your faith through every note.  Thank you for lifting me up on this very early morning!
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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ridge
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ridge
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Mar 12 2018, 04:19 AM #12

Jonelle, De's aunt can still see faces due to those shots.  I don't know if I would go through that.  I have 3 different doctor appointments on the 28th of this month.  My prayer is for a blizzard up here on that day  😁
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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