Afraid to look ...

Afraid to look ...

Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Feb 27 2018, 12:24 AM #1

I returned to Arkansas five months ago ... It's good to be back in my home state, but I don't really FEEL like I'm home yet.   I'm living in Bryant which is a suburb of Little Rock and it's new to me.   It's about fifty miles from Wye Mountain and I won't be happy until I breathe the air on top of that mountain.   Maybe Karen will drive me there when she comes over from Nashville the middle of March.  Daffodils should be in bloom by then.  Six acres of yellow blossoms.  .  I want to see them so bad.   I've been homesick for Wye mountain for well over ten years now, but I would never leave Phillip long enough to make the trip from Tennessee.  

When I do get to visit Wye Mountain again I'll travel right past my wonderful house in the woods ... the house where I did all my deer watching from my kitchen window.    Only ... now I'm going to be scared to look at the place when we pass by. My kids tell me it's a total a wreck.  I HATE that.   I know.  I know.  It's none of my business any longer.  It doesn't belong to me.    But , no, wait, it does too belong to me.  It will always be mine no matter WHO owns it.   (the best thing about being a woman is that we are not required to be logical.  I wouldn't be a man for anything.)

Some of you will like to see my house the way it looked in 1995, and here's how you can do it ... type in The Best Five Are Mine Blog ... and my blog will come right up before your eyes.  Easy as pie.    If you look at the first few pages you'll see pictures of Phillip and me.   Then, when you want to see my old house, you type Roland House in the little white space in the upper left hand corner of the blog page.  Little white house on one acre of cleared land with nineteen acres of forest around it on that side of the road and another 20 acres of forest across the old country road from it.   I could stand in that front yard and look in every direction and never see another living soul.  

Nothing in the world could ever have made me turn my back on that house ... except ... Phillip.   All he had to say was< "I need you real bad, Jonelle.  Come quick." and I was on the next place north.   My house in the woods sold quick.  Two years later Phillip sold his house in Ohio and we took up apartment living in Murfreesboro, Tennessee where we had the happiest eleven years of our lives.   

Where did my dark black print go?   Shoot!  I've lost it.

Ya'll just ignore all my typos and misspellings.   

Stay safe.
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ridge
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ridge
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Joined: Jan 30 2010, 10:04 PM

Feb 28 2018, 08:52 AM #2

The Roland House is beautiful.  You have lived in some wonderfully beautiful places.  I read many of your posts in your blog.  I do not think that you have lost any of your beauty.  Your blog is a healing and awesome thing.  Many PCs can be adjusted for contrast and size.  There are also programs that will read what is on the screen for you.

I have loved the music of Don Williams.  I have many of his CDs.  His line about "words are just what they say" has a lot of meaning.  He is saying that what people do and what we do with them is what gives them meaning.  People can say hurtful things but if we do not let them tear us down, the words lose their meaning and their pain.  In the opposite direction, when people say things of love and caring, it is the hugs, the follow through, the relationship that provides the real meaning and when we hug and love back the words become alive.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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ridge
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ridge
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Joined: Jan 30 2010, 10:04 PM

Feb 28 2018, 08:59 AM #3

Jonelle, you have a heart of gold.  Your lifeblood comes directly from the heart of God.  You are precious and valuable in His sight and with all of us.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Feb 28 2018, 03:23 PM #4

Ridge, thank you.

You're a deep-thinking man.   I found - through the years - that a lot lot of  "back forty" guys were .one hundred per cent sweet and good and very intelligent beneath their  gruff tough don't-give-a-hoot exteriors.    ..My Phillip fit right in perfectly with the worst of them.  (read: Chuck) (smile)   I never missed a day telling Phillip how rotten stinking bad he was ... and he never missed a day loving to hear it.    

I could tell him Al Capone was a hymn singing angel compared to the likes of him, and he'd laugh his head off. 

Or ... on the other hand,  I could risk saying - out loud   - while standing at his bedside - that he was the best man in all the world and I loved him more than life itself ... and he'd maybe  break down and cry and I'd go all to pieces and cry, and we'd have to really scramble to regain enough composure to continue on with daily life.

Insults worked better for us.     

Well ... at least until the end drew near ... then we no longer cared how hard we cried or who saw our tears.   It didn't matter.  Nothing mattered except our love for each other.  Nothing mattered except holding on as tight as possible for just as long as we could.

Today is the 28th.  It's been exactly six months since our arms let go.  

Our hearts are still holding on .
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Chuckgrmi
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Chuckgrmi
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Joined: Aug 27 2007, 06:37 PM

Mar 29 2018, 07:35 PM #5

How come? you never said nice things about me, How come?

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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Mar 30 2018, 09:09 PM #6

Chuckgrmi wrote: How come? you never said nice things about me, How come?

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Because, Chuck ... listen carefully here ... I found out years ago that you were already way too full of yourself and the smallest  compliment could cause you to go crazy and begin dancing off the pages, hollering "I'm da man!  I'm da man!  I'm da man!"  

I have  a picture of you and Phillip on the wall ... dressed in tuxedos ... looking like movie stars.  From time to time someone ... always a a woman ... will say, "Who's this good-looking man with Phillip?"  and I say, "That's Chuck.  He's a dear and precious friend to me and my world has long been a better place just for knowing he's in it."

You think for one minute I'd say that to your face?   Not a chance!  You're bad enough without anyone bragging on you.  
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ridge
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ridge
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Joined: Jan 30 2010, 10:04 PM

Apr 11 2018, 01:26 AM #7

Jonelle, the anniversaries can be both painful and moments that bring us love.  That love never goes away and we are only separated from the ones that we love for a little while.  Death brings so much pain but it also loses because once we pass through it, we have LIFE without end.  I know I am preaching to the choir but we all need a reminder now and then.  I know that I do.  Consider yourself hugged!
I lift up my eyes to the hills. . .He watches over your life. . .now and forever. Psalm 121

dennis
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Jonelle
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Jonelle
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Joined: Jan 22 2010, 06:03 AM

Apr 11 2018, 02:42 AM #8

ridge wrote: Jonelle, the anniversaries can be both painful and moments that bring us love.  That love never goes away and we are only separated from the ones that we love for a little while.  Death brings so much pain but it also loses because once we pass through it, we have LIFE without end.  I know I am preaching to the choir but we all need a reminder now and then.  I know that I do.  Consider yourself hugged!
Ridge ... I needed that hug.  Thank you for thinking about me.  

Chuck ... are you in the room?  Honey Gail had her second surgery (to hopefully get the remaining cancer cells they missed the first time) on April 5th.  Karen made a quick trip back from Nashville to take care of her for a day or two ... next thing I knew they had both gotten up  and  gone off to a goat farm to study the animals.  (shaking my head with worry here)   Tomorrow is Honey's post/op check up and if all has gone well she only has the seven weeks of radiation waiting up ahead.  .   If she can get her mind off goats and onto more serious business ...

Listen, ya'll ... I just found out those baby goats sell for three hundred seventy five hard earned dollars each.      

Leep, put a dust cover over your typewriter and hang up your guitar  ... we all need to start raising goats.  That's where the money is ...

You in, Chuck?  Denis?  Kenny?  Kenny,, where ARE you???  It's been way too long since we've heard your voice.  You come down off that mountain this minute and tell us what's going on.   Is Cari okay?   Are you?   I'm mad you've been this quiet this long.   Straighten up right now.   Don't make me have to come looking for you.

Stay safe.  
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