First Date Etiquette; a helpful primer

Saturos
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June 9th, 2018, 11:56 pm #1

http://www.cbc.ca/life/culture/how-to-m ... -1.4698635

CBC shared this on FB and I actually think it's quite nice/pleasant to read, but that might because I'm a fossil that enjoys things like courtesy, manners, and stuff like that in the right situation. Also because I think stuff spun in a positive and healthy way and aimed at both genders is sometimes pretty lacking, and a topic that isn't usually explored sometimes?

If this is helpful to anyone, that'd be nice :eyes:
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June 10th, 2018, 2:07 am #2

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HyrulianJedi
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June 10th, 2018, 3:48 am #3

Some of the advice is a bit dumb - while I agree the asker should generally plan to pay (something that can apply to friend outings too), there's nothing wrong with splitting a bill. I also don't know why the author seems to get haughty about one-night stands - if both people want it, go for it.

Rest is pretty sound, though things I've generally found to be common sense (like not using your phone). Communication and a lack of posturing are always key.
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Saturos
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June 10th, 2018, 11:02 am #4

Yeah, bill-splitting is one of those that I'm fine with, but I think an initial offer to pay for the whole thing is reasonable enough. If the askee protests and says it's fine, I think it's probably enough to drop it there and split.

Idk if it's anti-one night stand so much as not really aimed at that, though of course etiquette is still important. I took the 'part two' to mean 'do something else on top of the main thing before you go back to whoever's place.'
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Joined: September 17th, 2014, 1:59 pm

June 10th, 2018, 1:54 pm #5

I've seen this negativity towards the classic movie date appear more and more. I understand that it's obviously the most generic one, but I completely disagree that it's a big no-no. I feel that 1. You get to small talk before the movie, 2. You get to sit arm to arm during the movie which is somewhat intimate and 3. It's a great ice-breaker to start discussing the movie over food or drink after which naturally leads into other discussions. It worked years and years ago, still works great today. Also, if you, as a person, doesn't say "yes" to the question "do you want to see a movie?" then we're not going to work well together.

Personally, I feel a mere 15 minutes late doesn't hurt. The author of the article apparently wants me to cancel and get angry at the person coming 15 minutes late. Sure buddy, that will totally come off as sane behavior and will make this other person want to see your mad ass again.

Ah, the paying issue. I feel this is a very cultural thing. Being swedish, I never feel pressured to pay for me and my date, but it can be used as a good sign to show interest. "I like you, I'm gladly paying for this and would like to meet again" kind of thing. But generally, a swedish woman (or man) won't cancel the date because you didn't pay for her/his food. So date a swede if you want to save money!

Last edited by King in the North on June 10th, 2018, 2:31 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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HyrulianJedi
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June 11th, 2018, 1:28 am #6

I felt the article was objecting to the entire date being a movie. Which, having been dumb enough to do one of those when I was 13, I completely agree - it has to have a follow-up of some kind to make it worthwhile as a date, and not just "two people sitting next to each other at a movie".
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Kiki
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June 13th, 2018, 11:15 am #7

Very good advice for the most part. Especially the parts about clarity in the initial/ending stages. TELL someone it's a date! TELL someone when you're not interested!

So many people out there seem to have the goal of getting into a relationship without the other person ever suspecting that they like them, never explicitly stating anything. Rarely do relationships begin with two people effortlessly sliding into a tacitly but mutually understood attraction and dating pattern, never talking about things like awkward morons. Sorry people, you have to be vulnerable with your feelings for a minute!
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Crystallux
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June 13th, 2018, 2:00 pm #8

People are so afraid to talk about how they feel because of the fear of being rejected. It sucks, but if they say no, they say no. It's not the end of the world. Better to have your intentions and feelings known up front instead of you both being confused as to what the other wants.

This is a pretty good article.
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Ignatius
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June 13th, 2018, 2:59 pm #9

I agree with Saturos in that the article's not anti-one-night stands; it's just not geared towards that target audience. But I feel it also isn't really geared towards people on the other end of that spectrum, who aren't constantly dating or looking for people to date, and who don't date in order to get to know people.
King in the North wrote: Personally, I feel a mere 15 minutes late doesn't hurt. The author of the article apparently wants me to cancel and get angry at the person coming 15 minutes late. Sure buddy, that will totally come off as sane behavior and will make this other person want to see your mad ass again.
I wouldn't say being late "doesn't hurt", but the author does come off as overly anal about a few things in my view. Being late is far from "the rudest thing you can do", and encouraging people to 'roast' their date in that scenario...there's some good general advice in this article, for sure, and I like that it's not targeting one specific gender as Satty points out. But while the article claims to try and help people with first-date jitters, part of the time the author seems to be painting the picture that if you make one minor mistake, you're fucked. And despite at one point saying "Every bond and circumstance between two people is entirely unique to them and should be treated as such. Imposing rules and expectations to this interaction would be at the expense of your own feelings," the strength of some of the author's opinions being presented and the emphasis given to adherence the guidelines runs counter to that, and I'd be surprised if the majority of the population reacted as strongly as the author suggests to breaking some of these guidelines.

For example, if you ever look at your phone and you're not expecting an important message, they "mean nothing" to you. If you don't take them to at least two places, you "lack depth" and the date is "boring". Anywhere close to your home means you're "terribly lazy" and "unwilling to commit". First impressions are important, but why would I want to continue dating someone who thinks so highly of themselves and their time that they judge such minor things so harshly? I can see how the courses of action suggested would be helpful, but if I had a date whose character had them react to some of the violations of those guidelines as strongly as the author suggests, I probably wouldn't want to continue the date anyway, haha.

Parts of it come off like "If you don't follow this advice, it's going to blow up in your face like this when your date is overly judgmental". Gee, so glad I read this article that promised would help me with first-date jitters. xD






Last edited by Ignatius on June 13th, 2018, 3:00 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Joined: September 17th, 2014, 1:59 pm

June 13th, 2018, 3:59 pm #10

Ignatius wrote:I wouldn't say being late "doesn't hurt", but the author does come off as overly anal about a few things in my view. Being late is far from "the rudest thing you can do", and encouraging people to 'roast' their date in that scenario...there's some good general advice in this article, for sure, and I like that it's not targeting one specific gender as Satty points out. But while the article claims to try and help people with first-date jitters, part of the time the author seems to be painting the picture that if you make one minor mistake, you're fucked. And despite at one point saying "Every bond and circumstance between two people is entirely unique to them and should be treated as such. Imposing rules and expectations to this interaction would be at the expense of your own feelings," the strength of some of the author's opinions being presented and the emphasis given to adherence the guidelines runs counter to that, and I'd be surprised if the majority of the population reacted as strongly as the author suggests to breaking some of these guidelines.

For example, if you ever look at your phone and you're not expecting an important message, they "mean nothing" to you. If you don't take them to at least two places, you "lack depth" and the date is "boring". Anywhere close to your home means you're "terribly lazy" and "unwilling to commit". First impressions are important, but why would I want to continue dating someone who thinks so highly of themselves and their time that they judge such minor things so harshly? I can see how the courses of action suggested would be helpful, but if I had a date whose character had them react to some of the violations of those guidelines as strongly as the author suggests, I probably wouldn't want to continue the date anyway, haha.

Parts of it come off like "If you don't follow this advice, it's going to blow up in your face like this when your date is overly judgmental". Gee, so glad I read this article that promised would help me with first-date jitters. xD





Makes me think of that 50's "Guide to Housewives" that becamse viral a while back

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Clawford
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June 13th, 2018, 8:35 pm #11

What about the boat of people who are just too socially awkward to go out in public?
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Joined: September 17th, 2014, 1:59 pm

June 13th, 2018, 8:50 pm #12

Today it's easier than ever to go online and find that person who fits every little quirk you're looking for. Want to find that soulmate who's an awkward gamer with an obsession for 1920s russian art and french black & white artfilm, just like you? No problem.
Last edited by King in the North on June 13th, 2018, 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Gnarlymaple
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June 13th, 2018, 10:42 pm #13

King in the North wrote:Today it's easier than ever to go online and find that person who fits every little quirk you're looking for. Want to find that soulmate who's an awkward gamer with an obsession for 1920s russian art and french black & white artfilm, just like you? No problem.
I don't think I would want to find someone just like me, or even relatively similar to me

Anyway, going to tuck this article away in my "things I'm never going to need" bookmark collection :^)
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Clawford
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June 14th, 2018, 12:08 am #14

Gnarlymaple wrote:
King in the North wrote:Today it's easier than ever to go online and find that person who fits every little quirk you're looking for. Want to find that soulmate who's an awkward gamer with an obsession for 1920s russian art and french black & white artfilm, just like you? No problem.
I don't think I would want to find someone just like me, or even relatively similar to me

Anyway, going to tuck this article away in my "things I'm never going to need" bookmark collection :^)
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Kiki
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June 15th, 2018, 1:19 pm #15

wrote:Makes me think of that 50's "Guide to Housewives" that becamse viral a while back

Haha I wish I had printed this out for my stay-at-home boyfriend before he finished classes and got a job.

I think you're right, Ignatius, in the specifics, the author is a bit too anal. It might make people more nervous and jittery.
wrote:What about the boat of people who are just too socially awkward to go out in public?
I think before dating advice, there are probably other, more useful advice lists out there for this problem! When I was a late teen, I'd struggle in public and crowds, even grocery shopping was overwhelming, but over the years did a bit of exposure therapy for myself and things got easier. Kinda hard but helpful.
Last edited by Kiki on June 15th, 2018, 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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