Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

6:09 PM - Oct 31, 2017 #1901

I ran into Mickey Mouse's wife the other day...





she was driving a minnie van.......
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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

6:13 PM - Oct 31, 2017 #1902

So.....





How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

6:16 PM - Oct 31, 2017 #1903

I met a dyslexic hooker the other day..




She offered to cook my socks for 50 bucks....
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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

6:18 PM - Oct 31, 2017 #1904

I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups.. but I'm not holding my breath....
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George K
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George K
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Joined: 8:24 PM - Aug 04, 2005

6:27 PM - Nov 01, 2017 #1905

Jolly's Jewish Wedding Invitation reminds me of the old joke:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The first Jewish president calls up his mother and invites her over for Passover. Characteristically, his mother immediately begins complaining.

"Oiy, I'll need to book a flight and it's going to cost so much - it is just too much of a bother."

Her son counters, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll hire a private jet for you!

"Oiy, I'll need to catch a taxi and carry my luggage. It's just too much!"

"Mom! I'm the President! I'll pick you up in my limo! Then my guards will carry your luggage for you!"

"Oiy, I'll need to book a hotel."

"Mom! Don't be ridiculous! I'm the President! You can stay at the White House!"

"Okay, fine," she finally acquiesces. Two minutes later her friend Sophie, calls.

"So, Miriam, what's new?"

"Oiy, I'm going to my son for Pesach."

"Who, the doctor?"

"No, the other one."
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


A guide to GKSR: Click


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.
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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

4:40 PM - Nov 05, 2017 #1906

So....


As the Polish bobsled team set off on their first run, the brakeman suddenly fell to the ice, clutching his leg.


"Go on without me," he cried. "I'll only slow you down......"
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George K
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George K
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Joined: 8:24 PM - Aug 04, 2005

6:20 PM - Nov 05, 2017 #1907

Costume party

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp
Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


A guide to GKSR: Click


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.
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George K
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George K
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Joined: 8:24 PM - Aug 04, 2005

6:21 PM - Nov 05, 2017 #1908

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


A guide to GKSR: Click


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.
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Catseye3
Fulla-Carp
Catseye3
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Joined: 9:44 PM - Dec 27, 2016

6:59 PM - Nov 05, 2017 #1909

George K wrote:Costume party

Host: What are you?
Me: A harp
Host: Ur costume's too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre


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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

8:14 PM - Nov 06, 2017 #1910

So....

I asked my wife "Why don't we have sex any more?"

She said...


"What's this "we" sh!t?"........
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Larry
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Larry
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Joined: 8:54 AM - Apr 22, 2005

8:15 PM - Nov 06, 2017 #1911

So..

yesterday I was enjoying a rack of ribs in a restaurant when the waitress came over and said "Sir, would you like a wet nap?"

I said..

"No thanks, I had one earlier in the day...."
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Larry
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Larry
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8:17 PM - Nov 06, 2017 #1912

So then I said

"Waitress, will you check the toilets to see if my wife is in there? She's been gone for two hours."





"Oh, and by the way.. someone has stolen her coat..."
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Larry
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Larry
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5:10 PM - Nov 07, 2017 #1913

Toughest job I ever had was a door to door salesman.

It's tough selling doors. Every time I knocked, I thought, "**** it, they've already got one."
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Larry
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Larry
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5:11 PM - Nov 07, 2017 #1914

Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness.

They found it hiding behind two other genes....
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Larry
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Larry
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5:12 PM - Nov 07, 2017 #1915

I walked into a bookstore and asked if they had any books about paranoia.



The cashier said "They're right behind you...."
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Larry
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Larry
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5:17 PM - Nov 07, 2017 #1916

"I'm a feminist," he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
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jon-nyc
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jon-nyc
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Joined: 8:47 PM - Apr 22, 2005

9:15 PM - Nov 08, 2017 #1917

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk if he has any chapstick.

The clerk says “Of course we do, but you’re a duck, you don’t have any money.”

The duck says “Just put it on my bill.”
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
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Catseye3
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Catseye3
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Joined: 9:44 PM - Dec 27, 2016

9:31 PM - Nov 08, 2017 #1918

:rimshot:
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Catseye3
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Catseye3
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9:36 PM - Nov 08, 2017 #1919

h/t RealPlayer

A fellow had just reached retirement age, and so paid a visit to his Social Security office to register.

The woman who interviewed him asked to see his I.D. He reached into his pockets, then panicked when he realized he'd forgotten to bring any identification.

"That's all right," she said. "Just open your shirt a few buttons." Perplexed, he undid a couple of buttons and she said, "I can see that your chest hair is gray...that's good enough for me." So he was successfully registered.

Later he arrived home and told his wife the story about how his chest hair had qualified him for Social Security.

She responded, "You should have undone your pants. You could have gotten Disability."
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George K
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George K
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Joined: 8:24 PM - Aug 04, 2005

3:15 AM - Nov 12, 2017 #1920

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!, but before she could say "****!" the Rottweiler ate her!
"Now look here, you Baltic gas passer... "
- Mik, 6/14/08


A guide to GKSR: Click


Nothing is as effective as homeopathy.
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