Writing Cafe

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Writing Cafe

Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

04 Jul 2007, 18:30 #1

This is a place where you can place pieces of you work and get honest critique. Think of it as SN.tv's writing circle.

I had this idea when I was beta'ing the other day. When I beta, and I change something, I explain why I changed it. I have seen others who just change it, and then the writer doesn't know what they did wrong.

So, this place is to get honest feedback for your work. It can go as deep as saying we'll discuss plot flow, movement, characters, as well as the writing voice you speak with.

It is all constructive, no bashing. It is honest writers gathering to discuss.

So, if you want something looked over, place it up here, and myself or other writers will look over it for you.

Please don't post more than four pages of a chapter at a time. Thank you.

Lo

Anyone is welcome to voice their opinions, it is an open discussion.
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SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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supernaturalmommy
Bloody Mary
Joined: 04 Oct 2006, 17:38

05 Jul 2007, 02:49 #2

This is a great idea! I'd love to be involved - so count me in. I might even throw my own hat into the ring at some point.

;)
Kat
Into This Storm is on hiatus until I have a couple other projects finished. Check out my LJ for new and edited fics: Supernatural Mommy

Still up, and finished, here at sn.tv:
Terror In The Woods ;) UPDATED!!8/8/09
Ancient Words :) Look Into His Eyes
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qsmkitten
Vampire
Joined: 22 May 2006, 10:25

05 Jul 2007, 03:01 #3

Damn MASTER LO you are just full of mad wisdom today. You are on a roll. *bows to the masterfull LO* I love this idea and I'm very tempted to put up a part of my new fic but I'm a bit scared on the fact I would be the first person to throw up something, but then again it helps out by having someone start it up. HMMM *thinks*

Steff





BE HAPPY AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. IN MEMORY OF SCOOTER. 1992-August, 2008.
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Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

05 Jul 2007, 03:06 #4

Go for it. This is a place for just that - to help. I - as well as others - will constantly be checking to see if new work is posted, and will do my best to help guide the writer to reach their goal.

Post, I dare you.

Me, a master? Hardly. But I thank you for the kind words. :)

Go for it, Steff.
<Center>




SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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charmed1of2
Demon Hunter
charmed1of2
Demon Hunter
Joined: 01 Jul 2006, 13:26

05 Jul 2007, 03:41 #5

:D HEY COUNT ME IN, I'LL BE MORE THEN HAPPY TO HELP , THIS IS A FANTASTIC IDEA SIS!!!! SO LETS GET THE BALL ROLLING



LUVS

LORRIE :evil :fire


My requested banner made by Steff's daughter Bex. Awesome job hun.
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catchme21
Scarecrow
Joined: 02 Sep 2006, 05:06

05 Jul 2007, 08:06 #6

Lo...you sneak you.

This is just a way for writers to post spoilers, isn't it???

:o

Sounds like a mad awesome plan. I might have to throw something up today...I was going to update soon anyway.

Loves,
Kris

This Isn't Where I Parked My Car

#2 in Supernatural Freaks United (SNFU)
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qsmkitten
Vampire
Joined: 22 May 2006, 10:25

05 Jul 2007, 08:07 #7

Okay because Lo dared me I have to cause I dont back down on a dare. At least I dont think I have but here we go its the first chapter and it well its a flashback and Sam is at the age of six. Banjie is my beta and she really helps out, I just wanted to know how you guys thought of it along the flow. I also have problems with putting things in the right tense. It would help if you could go indepth with how different tenses work that would rock.

Okay well actually a good summary of my fic would help as well. Its basically where they stay at a town after john gets through a hunt that went bad and well Jonh decides to let Sam go on this class feild trip to a carnival which turns bad landing Sam in the hospital where he gets dreams involving the demon. Which causes John to up and leave instead of staying and letting his kids go to school. Ive got about ten chapters done and Im about at the part where the demon makes his move involving a trap with John leaving Sam and Dean alone in the motel.

Anyway the first chapter is well 2 pages and a half.

------------------------

Carnival of Sins
Chapter One New Surroundings

The dark rusted black truck sped through the night as the driver looked through his rearview mirror, watching for signs of anything sinister going on. He had to make it back to the hotel before his boys were to find out that they were in any kind of trouble; grab them and get out of dodge before they were caught as a result of his stupid move. What he didn't know was that he couldn't kill this thing, it wasn't anything really to kill. If you managed to piss it off though it would come after you and that's what he found out, and that's why he ran. The safety of his kids was a number one priority and then hunting was his second. Sometimes though his ambitions for hunting down the evil and tracking down the thing that killed his wife would cloud that list of priorities. At times he would even use his own kids in ways to lure and kill the ghosts and demons out there.

So far there wasn’t anything around and that’s the way he wanted to keep it. It was only one more hour before he was back at the hotel and with his sons. He thought of all the moments he’d had with his kids and quite frankly he couldn’t find one where it didn’t involve a hunt.

He would make it seem like it was a game to them but his oldest son knew. He had started to train him behind his youngest sons back. He didn’t want his youngest to know of the horrors of demons, ghosts, and anything evil out there. Dean he was only 10, and he was raised to take care of his little brother and was robbed of a childhood that could of involved sports and school. Sam he hoped would be a little version of himself, so young at the age of six.

Dean had spent every second with Sam, keeping him safe and entertained. Sam didn’t know any better. The bedtime stories that were based off of their dad’s hunts were only stories to Sam. Soon he was going to have to explain that Dean’s bedtime stories were not only true but ten times worse in real life. Sam had always asked what his dad did as a job and he would always get the same reply: Dad helps people from bad people. It wasn’t entirely untrue. It was just that soon he would have to change the people to things.

He continued to drive and saw the sign Welcome to El Paso, population 8,000. He was here and nothing bad happened yet. And he wasn’t really willing to bet his and his sons life by staying to find out. This hunt for him went south and he learned one thing; that not all Supernatural beings could be killed. He pulled into the hotel parking and parked the impala, rushed inside and started yelling.

“Boys, Sam, Dean wake up, we’re leaving” John barked while packing their bags. “NOW come on”

Dean bolted up out of bed shocked that his father was there, let alone yelling for them to get up. Since his dad had started to train him, he was getting more and more scared for his brothers safety. Which was why he jumped two feet in the air when he saw his dad barreling in with wild eyes and words of urgency.

“Dad what’s going on?” Dean asked wearily turning his head towards the end table between the two double beds and staring at the bright lights of the digital alarm clock showing it was 2.15 a.m. in the morning.

“It doesn’t matter just do it; and wake your brother up.” John ordered and walked out the door with the bags.

‘Sam... Right, he’ll be a cranky one for sure today, he’s always hated getting up early; ever since he was a baby’ Dean thought while he rolled over and gently shook Sam.

“Sam, wakey, wakey. We have to get up and go” Sam rolled over and grunted an inaudible ‘NO’

“Come on man, let’s not do this right now, dads not happy and I don’t wanna get yelled at, so GET UP.” Dean urged him and shook him again. He sighed and looked up to see his dad standing at the foot of the bed. “He wont wake up”

John didn’t have time for this; he was that worried for his kids’ safety. “Dean get in the car, I’ll get your brother.”

Dean walked out the door and headed to the Impala and parked himself in shotgun. Sam always stayed up as late as he could on nights their dad went out late. Sam wasn’t stupid he knew that the stories told by Dean were true. And since he found out he would stay up as late as his little tired body could stay up. John and Dean weren’t ready to actually say the words ‘I hunt things that don’t normally exist’ they knew it just made them feel better knowing that little Sammy was a normal innocent boy.

Dean broke out of his trance when he saw his dad leave the room carrying Sam to the car. He got out of the car and opened the rear door for his dad who placed Sam in the back and shut the door. John walked around the back of the car and climbed in the front, starting it up and pulling out from the parking lot. Sam didn’t wake up and Dean didn’t ask why they left so fast.

SUPERNATURAL

Dean woke up feeling the car stop and noticed it was now daytime, and they were parked in front of a diner who knows where. Dean turned and saw his dad stretching from what he could tell was a long drive.

“Where are we?” Dean asked as he stretched himself and looked back to see how his little brother was doing. Sam was still asleep and he looked peaceful; he was almost afraid to ruin it.

“Were in Reno, and at a diner; ready for something to eat?” John asked and Dean replied with a simple sleepy nod while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Dean got out and opened the rear door and leaned over, reaching out a hand he gently shook Sam awake.

“Wha’ goin on” he asked with a grumpy tone in his voice from being woken up. Yep he was clearly cranky.

“We’re not in El Paso anymore we’re in Reno and it’s time to eat so get up.” John explained to his youngest son. They were about two states away now, which was adequate amount of space from ‘him’.

Sammy slowly stumbled out the car and did a stretch to loosen his muscles. He turned towards his dad looking at him with a scowl on his face.

“Why did we go?” Sam asked.

“Because I said so and I’m the father here, now lets eat I’m hungry.” John answered calmly hoping that Sam would let it drop. Thankfully Sam’s stomach growled and he let the subject go. They walked into the diner and sat themselves down, and opened their menus.

SUPERNATURAL

After lunch they all relieved themselves and hit the road once again. Sam had asked again why they left and where they were headed. This time though John said he left because his job was needed elsewhere. They were headed to a small town in the middle of nowhere. John heard wind that the thing that killed his wife and the life of his family was there or had passed by there. Neither of his sons bothered to question him anymore and stayed quiet. Soon they were asleep and on their way to Sonora, California.

-------------------

Another thing that worries me is with the age of the characters its hard for me to get the dialouge correct seeing as I havent been around kids much and I figured Sam was a bit smarter than your average six year old.

Oh and I hope that if the writers that read a lot of fanfiction can tell me and or warn me if it sounds like something of another writers, I always worry that it might happen with writing and reading so many different stories out there. If anything red taped comes up tell me it would help me. Hehe sorry if it seems a lot but well I honestly could use someone else than me to look over it and tell me what they think.

And Banjie I love you as a beta please dont take offense I just wanna know what others think of certain aspects of my first chapter to reasure me that the other ten chapters arent exactly crap.

Steff





BE HAPPY AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. IN MEMORY OF SCOOTER. 1992-August, 2008.
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Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

05 Jul 2007, 08:13 #8

Sure thing, Steff. I'd be happy to look over it and give some advice. Give me a bit, and I'll be back!

Love you,

Lo

And, Kristen, please post some of your work. This isn't for beta'ing, persay. Think of it as a writing chat room. :)
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SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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qsmkitten
Vampire
Joined: 22 May 2006, 10:25

05 Jul 2007, 08:28 #9

Thanks Lo, no hurry not gonna post it up till im finished with it or maybe a few more chapters into it. I have to work up a new character so that should take me some time.

Steff





BE HAPPY AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. IN MEMORY OF SCOOTER. 1992-August, 2008.
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Banjie
Vampire
Joined: 03 Jul 2006, 04:33

05 Jul 2007, 08:36 #10

qsmkitten @ Jul 5 2007, 06:07 PM wrote:

And Banjie I love you as a beta please dont take offense I just wanna know what others think of certain aspects of my first chapter to reasure me that the other ten chapters arent exactly crap.

Steff
As if I'd be offended!!!! Sis, I'm glad you asked Lo to look at it, she's amazing :wub: lol. And its good to get other peoples opinions of it. Wheee. I'm so excited all of a sudden.

STEFF! My Amazingly Awesome American Sister
Nikki is my evil nemisis, we shall forever be locked in a battle of good and evil
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catchme21
Scarecrow
Joined: 02 Sep 2006, 05:06

05 Jul 2007, 08:49 #11

Ok...I know Steff already posted...but I'm going to throw this little bit up there. I have the whole thing posted in the "Missing Scenes" thread, but I want to know what you guys honestly think of it.

IT'S SPOILERY FOR ENDING OF SEASON 2

~~~SN~~~

It was colder than it should have been for this time of year. Silence stretched out, reaching, encircling, threatening to suffocate. The ground was solid beneath him, and the gravel dug painfully into his knees. His leg muscles cramped from the strain of balancing, his hands shook as he held on for dear life. The moon hid behind the clouds like a coward, plunging the small deserted town into blackness, leaving a bone-deep cold to slither through the trees, attacking those most vulnerable.

Dean Winchester, in the center of it all, felt nothing.

Bobby had taken off running, chasing the man responsible. The trees shrouded in darkness hid his escape, and soon the only footfalls and gasps for breath that could be heard belonged to the aged hunter. He had forced himself to give up his chase on Jake, focusing on getting back to the brothers.

“Sam!” The heartbroken cry had nearly driven him to his knees. Bobby stumbled, but refused to fall, and quickened his pace. crap oh crap oh crap...

The sight that greeted him stopped him cold, and he finally gave in to gravity, falling to his knees. For a moment, Bobby Singer couldn’t breathe as he watched the boys before him.

Dean sat on the ground, his body language mirroring Sam’s, both resting on their knees. Dean held Sam’s unresisting body to him, clutching him in a fierce hug.

“No no no no oh God Sam no no no…” Dean repeated, his own shock hampering his ability to do much else. From his position, Bobby could see the faint dark circle in the center of Sam’s back. The reality of the situation came crashing down, causing him to lean forward slightly, now supporting his upper body with one hand pressed firmly into the ground. He saw it all in slow motion…

“Sam!” Dean called again, cursing under his breath. They rounded the corner and were greeted by the sight of Sam limping towards them.

“Dean!” he returned, clutching his arm to his chest.

The warning had been too late…too late…

They ran in unison, the younger man dropping to catch his fallen brother.


It hit Bobby in that moment with blinding clarity…the knife…the grunt of pain…Sam had been stabbed in the back. The thought pulled him back to his feet, and he forced one foot after the other, intent on reaching the boys.

With a hand that shook, Bobby checked for a pulse, and couldn’t find one. He studied the wound up close, and knew the knife had gone right through the boy’s spinal cord. Sam was dead. Oh God.

“Dean,” Bobby tried. He refused to lose both brothers, though he knew Dean wouldn’t survive. It was too much to ask. The death of John had almost been too much. Now Sam?

“No,” Dean repeated, though Bobby knew it was more a continuation of his mantra than an answer to Bobby’s call.

“Dean,” he tried again. “We have to get out of here.”

“No,” Dean repeated.

He hated the thought of leaving the dying and the dead alone, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. Bobby tried again: “Dean, we can’t let Sam sit out here. I’m going to find a place where we can move him, stay here.”

Knowing he wouldn’t receive a reply, he didn’t bother to wait for one. A quick scouting of the town revealed that they were the only ones remaining. His first building revealed two bodies, a young man drenched in blood and a young woman with her head at the wrong angle, so he moved on. The third building he entered didn’t have much, but it had what they would need. He ran back out to the square, relieved to find the brothers still there.

“Dean, we have to get out of the center of the square, we have to move.”

Bloodshot eyes moved slightly, focusing on him.

“Bobby,” he said, barely a whisper.

“Dean, I found a place where we can move your brother. We need to move now.”

Bobby bent down to grab Sam, but held off when he heard the low growl emitted from the older brother. “I’ve got him. I’ve always had him.”

Bobby nodded and stepped back, knowing Dean had to do this for himself.

Moments passed before Dean finally moved, his hands gripping his brother’s arms as he pushed him away slightly, supporting him so he sat upright. Grabbing Sam’s right arm, Dean carefully maneuvered it around his neck, refusing to let his brother fall to the cold dirt below. With some difficulty but refusing to give up, Dean soon had Sam in the position for a fireman’s carry. In one solid motion, he stood, settling his brother’s form evenly over his shoulders. His shoulders adjusted to the weight, the weight he had proudly carried his whole life.

The path to the small decrepit house was a blur, one shaky footstep after the other brought him closer to the cracked and peeling door. Bobby opened the door, moving aside so Dean could squeeze through. By the time he had the door shut, and had made it back to the pair, he found Dean standing soundlessly by the bed.

Sam was still stretched across his shoulders, a silent refusal screamed by Dean. He didn’t want to put Sam on the small dingy bed. He didn’t want to witness his brother’s life force draining slowly into the stained mattress. He didn’t want to see his brother’s face. As long as he held him, he wouldn’t have to see the failure spelled out in Sam’s forever relaxed features. Putting Sam down now was like admitting he was truly gone.

Once again, Bobby hated to leave them alone. But he had to, they had to move soon. He needed Dean with him first, needed Dean sharp and aware. He dropped his gaze from the broken man and checked his watch. As far as he knew, Dean hadn’t eaten in the past twelve hours. Struggling to fight his own consummation of grief, he decided to gather the necessary supplies and to take care of the sole remaining Winchester. It would give him something to do, something to focus on.

“Dean, listen to me. I have to leave for a minute. I’ll be right back, ok? Dean?”

“Sure,” Dean answered numbly, still not giving up his precious hold on what remained of his shattered life.

~~~SN~~~

Once Lo has a go (lol) at the short chappy Steff posted, I will too. :)

Love you guys,
Kris

This Isn't Where I Parked My Car

#2 in Supernatural Freaks United (SNFU)
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Raven524
Winchester
Raven524
Winchester
Joined: 03 Jul 2006, 20:42

05 Jul 2007, 09:03 #12

qsmkitten and Kris...I'll be happy to take a look and give you feedback. I'll try and get back to you both by tomorrow night... ;)

Thanks to Xlozx for the Awesome Banner and Avi!


Hounds of the Baskervilles Starts Soon! Sign up By March 18th
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Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

05 Jul 2007, 09:18 #13

I'm doing Steff's chapter right now, Kristen, and as soon as I finish in a few, I'll get right on yours. And please, Robin, do them, even if I am doing them, too. The great thing about critique is getting the advice from multiple sources. So, everyone, c'mon and critique. Ha!

Lo
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SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

05 Jul 2007, 10:15 #14

Carnival of Sins
Chapter One New Surroundings

The A dark rusted black truck sped through the night as the driver looked through his rearview mirror, watching for signs of anything sinister going on. He had to make it back to the hotel before his boys were to find found out that they were in any kind of trouble; grab them and get out of Dodge before they were caught as a result of his stupid move.


-I know I said that description is great, but too much description can make whatever you are describing sound awkward. Take out some words, mix them around, and see what the end result is. Plus, black is dark already, right? A bit redundant to say dark black.
-Yes, tenses.
-Semicolon use. The trouble; grab… is actually two separate sentences. You need to remove the semicolon, and then find a way to make the grab sentence work separately.


What he didn't know, was that he couldn't kill this thing, it wasn't anything really to kill slay. (Try to use another word for the second kill) If you managed to piss it off, though, it would come after you and that's what he found out, and that's why he ran. (This sentence sounds more like a list of actions, reword the and that’s way he…, again, repetition) The safety of his kids was a number one priority and then hunting was his second. Sometimes, though, his ambitions for hunting down the evil and tracking down the thing that killed his wife would cloud that list of priorities. At times he would even use his own kids in ways to lure and kill the ghosts and demons out there.

-I stopped editing, I swear, and started listening to your writing voice - I’ll leave the editing to Hayles. The beginning is the most important part of the first chapter, it is the section where you have to grab the reader in and keep him interested. It started slow, a bit weak. I get the sense that the man is scared? Maybe? It wasn’t clear. When he was watching out for the “thing” in his rearview mirror, I got the sense he was nervous. Maybe, describe a bit more to bring out his fear - if that is what he was supposed to be feeling. And the “thing” didn’t sound as ominous as the first sentence has described him as, I believe you said, “looking for anything sinister”.
-Go over your work again. There are several places where the grammar is distracting. Concentrate on your wording, read it aloud, and if it doesn’t flow out loud, then it is most likely wrong.


So far there wasn’t anything around and that’s the way he wanted to keep it. It was only one more hour before he was back at the hotel and with his sons. He thought of all the moments he’d had with his kids and quite frankly he couldn’t find one where it didn’t involve a hunt.
– The second sentence is confusing. The last sentence in this paragraph seems highly unbelievable to me. In all of his years, he could only remember moments of hunting with his sons? Doesn’t sound feasible. There was most likely a period where John wasn’t hunting, after Mary’s death for example. Maybe you could specify a timeframe rather than saying all the moments.

He would make it seem like it was a game to them but his oldest son knew. He had started to train him behind his youngest sons back. He didn’t want his youngest to know of the horrors of demons, ghosts, and anything evil out there. Dean he was only 10 ten, and he was raised to take care of his little brother and was robbed of a childhood that could of involved sports and school. Sam he hoped would be a little version of himself, so young at the age of six.
-I noticed a lot of your sentences in this paragraph beginning with “Dean/Sam he”. The “he” is unnecessary. Unless, you wanted to say like this: “Dean, he was only ten…” The comma changes the meaning of the above sentence. Depends on your voice and style, not mine.

Dean had spent every second with Sam, keeping him safe and entertained. Sam didn’t know any better. The bedtime stories that were based off of their dad’s hunts were only stories to Sam. Soon he was going to have to explain that Dean’s bedtime stories were not only true but also ten times worse in real life. Sam had always asked what his dad did as a job and he would always get the same reply: Dad helps people from bad people. It wasn’t entirely untrue. It was just that soon he would have to change the people to things.
- -I love the idea of his thoughts, the reminiscing of his kids past. Keep it. Great.

He continued to drive and saw the sign Welcome to El Paso, population 8,000. He was here and nothing bad happened yet. And he wasn’t really willing to bet his and his sons life by staying to find out. This hunt for him went south and he learned one thing; that not all Supernatural beings could be killed. He pulled into the hotel parking and parked the impala, rushed inside and started yelling.
–Going back into reality in this paragraph was distracting. It was rushed, and it leaves the reader a little confused just jumping back into his driving. You could possibly have something that pulls him from his thoughts, etc…

“Boys, Sam, Dean wake up, we’re leaving” John barked while packing their bags. “NOW come on”
-Make sure when you are using dialogue you close the sentence properly. In this situation, a comma would be used at the end of “leaving”.
Dean bolted up out of bed shocked that his father was there, let alone yelling for them to get up. Since his dad had started to train him, he was getting more and more scared for his brothers safety. Which was why he jumped two feet in the air when he saw his dad barreling in with wild eyes and words of urgency.
[color=red-Again watch for comma placement out of bed shocked And watch for repetition color]
“Dad what’s going on?” Dean asked wearily turning his head towards the end table between the two double beds and staring at the bright lights of the digital alarm clock showing it was 2.15 a.m. in the morning.

“It doesn’t matter just do it; and wake your brother up.” John ordered and walked out the door with the bags.

‘Sam, right, he’ll be a cranky one for sure today, he’s always hated getting up early; ever since he was a baby’ Dean thought while he rolled over and gently shook Sam.[/color]

-A general misconception with “thoughts” is a single quotations, when, in fact, it is either double or none and the thought is placed in italics. Love the image of Dean rolling over, though, nicely done.

“Sam, wakey, wakey. We have to get up and go” Sam rolled over and grunted an inaudible ‘NO’
-Make sure you separate your dialogue. Sam and Dean should not be speaking within the same sentence. And again, close your speech with the proper closing, whether it is a comma, period, or question mark.

“Come on man, let’s not do this right now, dads not happy and I don’t wanna get yelled at, so GET UP.” Dean urged him and shook him again. He sighed and looked up to see his dad standing at the foot of the bed. “He wont wake up”

John didn’t have time for this; he was that worried for his kids’ safety. “Dean get in the car, I’ll get your brother.”

Dean walked out the door and headed to the Impala and parked himself in shotgun. Sam always stayed up as late as he could on nights their dad went out late. Sam wasn’t stupid he knew that the stories told by Dean were true. And since he found out he would stay up as late as his little tired body could stay up. John and Dean weren’t ready to actually say the words ‘I hunt things that don’t normally exist’ they knew it just made them feel better knowing that little Sammy was a normal innocent boy.

-LOVE the insight. You are giving great depth into the characters, they aren’t dry and definitely have a voice.

Dean broke out of his trance when he saw his dad leave the room carrying Sam to the car. He got out of the car and opened the rear door for his dad who placed Sam in the back and shut the door. John walked around the back of the car and climbed in the front, starting it up and pulling out from the parking lot. Sam didn’t wake up and Dean didn’t ask why they left so fast.
-First off, great transition from the last paragraph to this one. It worked, and it worked well. And again, nice image.

SUPERNATURAL

Dean woke up feeling the car stop and noticed it was now daytime, and they were parked in front of a diner who knows where. Dean turned and saw his dad stretching from what he could tell was a long drive.

“Where are we?” Dean asked as he stretched himself and looked back to see how his little brother was doing. Sam was still asleep and he looked peaceful; he was almost afraid to ruin it.

“Were in Reno, and at a diner; ready for something to eat?” John asked and Dean replied with a simple sleepy nod while rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Dean got out and opened the rear door and leaned over, reaching out a hand he gently shook Sam awake.

“Wha’ goin on” he asked with a grumpy tone in his voice from being woken up. Yep he was clearly cranky.

“We’re not in El Paso anymore we’re in Reno and it’s time to eat so get up.” John explained to his youngest son. They were about two states away now, which was adequate amount of space from ‘him’.

Sammy slowly stumbled out the car and did a stretch to loosen his muscles. He turned towards his dad looking at him with a scowl on his face.

“Why did we go?” Sam asked.

“Because I said so and I’m the father here, now lets eat I’m hungry.” John answered calmly hoping that Sam would let it drop. Thankfully Sam’s stomach growled and he let the subject go. They walked into the diner and sat themselves down, and opened their menus.

SUPERNATURAL

After lunch they all relieved themselves and hit the road once again. Sam had asked again why they left and where they were headed. This time though John said he left because his job was needed elsewhere. They were headed to a small town in the middle of nowhere. John heard wind that the thing that killed his wife and the life of his family was there or had passed by there. Neither of his sons bothered to question him anymore and stayed quiet. Soon they were asleep and on their way to Sonora, California.


-I like the idea a lot. I think that the story has great potential. The problems, some of which I have already stated, were mainly grammatical and structural. The premise of this story sounds great, and you really have a voice and your head is in the right place. It isn’t dry, and the characters speak. Your little Sammy didn’t talk enough for me to gauge his age appropriateness.

I think the SUPERNATURAL is too distracting. Don’t separate your paragraphs with it. If you want separation, try using dots or lines, not giant letters.

Work on flow and word usage. I think the beginning needs a little work, a few touch ups to catch the reader and make them feel what John is feeling. I believe in some parts it is possibly just an over usage of words, sentences with unneeded words. Keep an eye for it. When in doubt, read it aloud and see how it flows. Again, use the advantage of writing in third person POV and express your characters feelings.

Other than that, I think your story is wonderful. I like the idea.

I hope this helped, and again, it wasn’t meant in a negative way. Everything I have written was my opinion.
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SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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Jawa Lo
Vampire
Joined: 19 Apr 2006, 07:39

05 Jul 2007, 10:54 #15

It was colder than it should have been for this time of year. Silence stretched out, reaching, encircling, threatening to suffocate. The ground was solid beneath him, and the gravel dug painfully into his knees. His leg muscles cramped from the strain of balancing, his hands shook as he held on for dear life. The moon hid behind the clouds like a coward, plunging the small deserted town into blackness, leaving a bone-deep cold to slither through the trees, attacking those most vulnerable.
—GREAT beginning. I love the imagery and the analogies. I can feel it, and it is a very captivating opening.

Dean Winchester, in the center of it all, felt nothing. Simple, but effective, I like it.

Bobby had taken off running, chasing the man responsible. The trees shrouded in darkness hid his escape, and soon the only footfalls and gasps for breath that could be heard belonged to the aged hunter. He had forced himself to give up his chase on Jake, focusing on getting back to the brothers.

“Sam!” The heartbroken cry had nearly driven him to his knees. Bobby stumbled, but refused to fall, and quickened his pace. crap oh crap oh crap... I love the feeling from Bobby, great. The only thing is the “crap oh…”, needs the appropriate commas. And, if it is thought, which I am unsure of, italicize or quote it.

The sight that greeted him stopped him cold, and he finally gave in to gravity, falling to his knees. For a moment, Bobby Singer couldn’t breathe as he watched the boys before him.

Dean sat on the ground, his body language mirroring Sam’s, both resting on their knees. Dean held Sam’s unresisting body to him, clutching him in a fierce hug.

“No no no no oh God Sam no no no…” Dean repeated, his own shock hampering his ability to do much else. From his position, Bobby could see the faint dark circle in the center of Sam’s back. The reality of the situation came crashing down, causing him to lean forward slightly, now supporting his upper body with one hand pressed firmly into the ground. He saw it all in slow motion… Commas should be used in “No, no, no…”

“Sam!” Dean called again, cursing under his breath. They rounded the corner and were greeted by the sight of Sam limping towards them.

“Dean!” he returned, clutching his arm to his chest.

The warning had been too late…too late…

They ran in unison, the younger man dropping to catch his fallen brother.

It hit Bobby in that moment with blinding clarity…the knife…the grunt of pain…Sam had been stabbed in the back. The thought pulled him back to his feet, and he forced one foot after the other, intent on reaching the boys.

With a hand that shook, Bobby checked for a pulse, and couldn’t find one. He studied the wound up close, and knew the knife had gone right through the boy’s spinal cord. Sam was dead. Oh God.

“Dean,” Bobby tried. He refused to lose both brothers, though he knew Dean wouldn’t survive. It was too much to ask. The death of John had almost been too much. Now Sam?

“No,” Dean repeated, though Bobby knew it was more a continuation of his mantra than an answer to Bobby’s call.

“Dean,” he tried again. “We have to get out of here.”

“No,” Dean repeated.

He hated the thought of leaving the dying and the dead alone, but he knew he didn’t have a choice. Bobby tried again: “Dean, we can’t let Sam sit out here. I’m going to find a place where we can move him, stay here.”

Knowing he wouldn’t receive a reply, he didn’t bother to wait for one. A quick scouting of the town revealed that they were the only ones remaining. His first building revealed two bodies, a young man drenched in blood and a young woman with her head at the wrong angle, so he moved on. The third building he entered didn’t have much, but it had what they would need. He ran back out to the square, relieved to find the brothers still there. I know it is a one-shot, but that paragraph felt a bit rushed.

“Dean, we have to get out of the center of the square, we have to move.”

Bloodshot eyes moved slightly, focusing on him.

“Bobby,” he said, barely a whisper.

“Dean, I found a place where we can move your brother. We need to move now.”

Bobby bent down to grab Sam, but held off when he heard the low growl emitted from the older brother. “I’ve got him. I’ve always had him.” LOVE IT! I can feel Dean’s anguish in this! PERFECT!

Bobby nodded and stepped back, knowing Dean had to do this for himself.

Moments passed before Dean finally moved, his hands gripping his brother’s arms as he pushed him away slightly, supporting him so he sat upright. Grabbing Sam’s right arm, Dean carefully maneuvered it around his neck, refusing to let his brother fall to the cold dirt below. With some difficulty but refusing to give up, Dean soon had Sam in the position for a fireman’s carry. In one solid motion, he stood, settling his brother’s form evenly over his shoulders. His shoulders adjusted to the weight, the weight he had proudly carried his whole life. That last sentence is so heartbreaking. It was beyond perfect, Kristen. Simply wonderful.

The path to the small decrepit house was a blur; one shaky footstep after the other brought him closer to the cracked and peeling door. Bobby opened the door, moving aside so Dean could squeeze through. By the time he had the door shut, and had made it back to the pair, he found Dean standing soundlessly by the bed. Watch out for sentences that should really be two separate sentences.

Sam was still stretched across his shoulders, a silent refusal screamed by Dean. He didn’t want to put Sam on the small dingy bed. He didn’t want to witness his brother’s life force draining slowly into the stained mattress. He didn’t want to see his brother’s face. As long as he held him, he wouldn’t have to see the failure spelled out in Sam’s forever-relaxed features. Putting Sam down now was like admitting he was truly gone.

Once again, Bobby hated to leave them alone. But he had to, they had to move soon. He needed Dean with him first, needed Dean sharp and aware. He dropped his gaze from the broken man and checked his watch. As far as he knew, Dean hadn’t eaten in the past twelve hours. Struggling to fight his own consummation of grief, he decided to gather the necessary supplies and to take care of the sole remaining Winchester. It would give him something to do, something to focus on. Watch out for comma placement in the second sentence.

“Dean, listen to me. I have to leave for a minute. I’ll be right back, ok? Dean?”

“Sure,” Dean answered numbly, still not giving up his precious hold on what remained of his shattered life.

That was beautifully written, Kristen. The lines you used to portray what was happening, well, they were perfect. I felt the emotion, I felt the surroundings, and I got lost within the scene. Wonderful job. I would tell you to watch out for placing the setting, but seeing as it was a missing scene, we already knew where they were so it wasn’t necessary.

You have a voice and I can hear it loud and clear. I like the fact that it was written in an omnipotent POV. If this were the opening to a chapter for a story, again, I’d say be wary of your surroundings, but seeing as it is a one-shot, it isn’t needed in my opinion.

I loved it.
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SN.tv awards '06 Most Creative Writer, Horror/Demon Fic, and tied with Best Flashblack!
2009 SN.tv awards winner for Best Flashback
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