Yugi's critique thread????

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.

Yugi's critique thread????

Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

March 19th, 2015, 5:57 am #1

So hey

I’m going to update my ranking topic soon, but something that I know was mentioned was the lack of SOTF characters (the only one being nominated being Kimberly). I also want to read more SOTF in general, seeing as the only version I’ve been able to read in detail is V3 and even then it was mostly inactives. So, I decided to make this thread.

You guys give me characters for me to read, and I’ll read/critique them when I’m done. I’m fine with any version, providing it’s a character who I haven’t already posted thoughts of on the wiki or is already on the queue/Kimberly. One nomination per handler, only kids who are either dead or have a completed story, and no nominating characters who aren’t yours. If you want to see what my critiques will be like, check these pages on the wiki.

I’ll start with a queue of 12, since that seems like a good number to start with.
[+] spoiler
1. Davis Todd (Un-Persona)
2. Ian Williams (VysePresident)
3. Marcus Redder (SansaSaver)
4. Liam Brooks (MK Kilmarnock)
5. Lily Ashberg (JDelgado)
6. Austin White (MurderWeasel)
7. Hansel Williams (Naft)
8. Forrest Doe (RC)
9. Juhan Levandi(Maraoone)
10. Grey Emerson (Deamon)
11. Gabriel Munez (DocBalance)
12. Lukas Graves (Aura of Misfortune)
[+] spoiler


G???: Anna "Roxanne" Herbert - "...It's a god-awful small affair..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3
THEME: Dire Straits - Skateaway

G???: Teresa Rojas - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2
THEME: Tata Young - Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me

B???: Jonathan Meyers - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1
THEME: Kate Miller-Heidke - Caught In The Crowd
[+] spoiler
Ashley Tanner - The Tattooed Jackass - "We got the music, we got the drinks, I think we have a recipe for some rock n' roll."
Yuko Hayashibara - The Tomboy - "Yo, homeboy, come over here. I wanna play some ball."
[+] spoiler


B003: Jeremy Frasier - ?Yeah. No regrets.? - 57%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Scoped Raging Bull, $1000, Wooden Baseball Bat, Eyepatch, Pancor Jackhammer
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

B013: Alvaro Vacanti - ?Thank... you...? - 41%
Kills: 3 | Equipped with: MAC-10
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: The Megas - The Haystack Principle

G030: Jasmine King - "I win." - 11%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Brass Knuckles
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3 | Sadie Hawkins: 1
V6: 1 2 3 4 5
THEME: Luck Ganriki - golden sneer


Hi! I have a blog! Please check it out and follow and stuff!
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Un-Persona
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 28th, 2012, 2:09 am

March 19th, 2015, 6:21 am #2

V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ & ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
V7 - ❤ ❤ ❤ - PV3 - {❤} ❤ ❤ - TV3 - ❤ ❤ - V8 - ❤ ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
21:33RattlesnakeIf you can't ninja roll the solution is to get naked until you can ninja roll

Justice for Natali - Today at 4:21 PM
Your adorable face will not save you from the long dick of the law

Gianni - Today at 8:05 PM
Sometimes the big tru tru different than the small tru tru
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VysePresident
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 10:55 pm

March 19th, 2015, 6:26 am #3

Thanks so much for offering your time like this, sir.

If you don't mind, I'd really appreciate feedback on Ian Williams. All the relevant links are in my sig.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any pointers or feedback you'd like to share!
Character #1: Boy #37 Ian Williams - Now with 55% less self-insert.
Designated Weapon: Polaroid Instant Camera With Film (Enough for 8 photographs)

Past - | 1 | 2 | (Current thread - Birds of a Feather)
Pregame - None
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (Final Thread - Glass
)
Character #2: Boy #66 Chase Rodriguez - Adopted from Pippin.
Designated Weapon: Silver Pill Box Containing Three Cyanide Capsules

Past - None
Pregame - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | (Last seen in - Diversions)
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | (Final Thread - Drawing to an End)
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SansaSaver
Player
Joined: November 18th, 2012, 7:49 pm

March 19th, 2015, 6:56 am #4

Marcus Redder please, you lil’ darrrrlllliiiiinnngggg~
Version Seven:
Tristan O?Hara
Dorothea Rodriguez
Ariana Simpson
[+] spoiler
Version Five:
B049 ? Maynard Hurst
G060 ? Mirabella Strong

Version Six:
B004 ? Joshua Bracewell
? Adopted by Ciel
G026 ? Hazel Jung ? Adopted by Ruggahissy
B027 ? Oskar Pearce ? Adopted by NAFT
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

March 19th, 2015, 7:53 am #5

Liam Brooks.

You're welcome.
[+] spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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Dr. Freud
Survivor
Dr. Freud
Survivor
Joined: June 9th, 2011, 4:46 am

March 19th, 2015, 7:53 am #6

I'd love to know what you thought of Lily's story. :-)
"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." -Sigmund Freud
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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

March 19th, 2015, 7:55 am #7

Hopping on the train! Would you mind giving your thoughts on Austin White? Thanks a ton.
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NotAFlyingToy
Winner
Joined: April 9th, 2013, 1:26 pm

March 19th, 2015, 10:20 am #8

Hey, Yugi! Cool to see a new critique thread.

I'll toss this guy your way. Feel free to move him to the very back of the queue and don't be worried at all about offending me if you can't fit him onto your plate - he's got a lot of miles on him.

Thanks!
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.
[+] spoiler
We've yet to live and soon will fall.

B027: Oskar Pearce has his shields up -- Step back from it, Jane. (Adopted from SansaSaver!)
[+] spoiler
We've fought and fought and lost it all.

G063: Natali Greer fell into sadness and couldn't get out -- Everything was going to be alright. (Adopted Posthumously from backslash!)
B067: Brandon Baxter died as he lived -- On his own terms.
B076: Hansel Williams wasn't wrong, in the end -- I wouldn't change anything. Not a goddamn thing.
[+] spoiler
Here in the wings, we wait for the call.

Jaden Bertelli wants you to be better -- Work harder, no excuses.
Miley Sacramento isn't looking for the long-term -- Like, why are the democrats an elephant, anyway?
Robert Munnings hates your favourite teacher -- We hurt ourselves so that others can't.
Kelsey Hamilton is going to be the best in the world -- Out of my way, dead man.
Asher Glas really admires the way you carry yourself -- Oh, hey - let me get that for you.
"Skinny" Trevor Sharpe would sell the shirt off of your back -- Pick your poison.
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Maraoone
Player
Joined: October 27th, 2012, 1:53 pm

March 19th, 2015, 11:01 am #9

Cooould I get your thoughts on Cathryn Bailey pleeeease?
V6 Characters:
G062 - Olivia Fischer prayed a thousand prayers in Ye Not [37/107]
Previous Threads: S?gl?pur - Until all our yesterdays are lighted fools... - the way to dusty death - a concrete cave - I'd Say That I've Had Worse Days, but Then I'd Be Lying - Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying - Until Then, You Are Free - Cast in the Name of God
Memories: Sometimes when we reach for the stars...
Weapon: Lobotomy pick.
[+] spoiler
V5 Characters:
Dead:
B045 - Juhan Levandi - An Estonian wanna-be journalist with a fear of the dark who wanted to bring them all down in Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien [18/152]
Weapon: Party Bag (contains a noisemaker, party hat, two single-serving bags of candy, and a Hotwheels car)
Pre-Game Threads: Wiping All Out - Quixotic
Previous V5 Threads: Despair - The Real Folk Blues - The two people in the distance were Paulo and Becca - Mischief Managed - Sleeper Cell - Tell No Tales - So, How Was Your Day? - And I'm Not Sleeping Now - Intermission - Glass - A Manic Depressive Named Laughing Boy
G067 - Carmina Maliksi - A Filipina car junkie with a /slight/ obsession with Korea and Japan who has finished things up (somewhat) in Red as Blood [139/152]
Weapon: Non-Functional Flamethrower (left in the Clubhouse)
Previous V5 Threads: Finding Center - Wish I Could Breathe - The Visionary
Memories: Offended?
B054 - Oscar Trig (adopted from Greg the Anti-Viking) - An artist who desperately needs a pencil, paper and a cigar and thought with his heart in Fumble [76/152]
Weapon: Binoculars
Pregame Threads: Taking it to the Streets
Previous V5 Threads: Waking Up at the Beginning of Time - Steadier Footing - Handoff
[+] spoiler
Ruggahissy Me: *on my hands and knees picking up beads* Conner: I'M A BACK PACK *LATCHES ONTO MY BACK*

*** Gianni joined #sotf
22:27Muu GIANNNNNNNNIIIII
22:28Maraoone hai gianni
22:28Gianni MIIIIIMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
22:28Gianni Hey Mara!
22:28Gianni Sup guys?
22:28Maraoone Not much. About to get off soon
22:29RuffDesperado gross
22:29RuffDesperado tmi
22:29Maraoone ?
22:29Gianni LOL
22:29Muu LOL AW
22:29Maraoone NOT LIKE THAT

12:18DuckyBWe're like Urban Dictionary, except we only turn incredibly classy things into deeply disturbed sexual deviancy.

10:09Dom"excuse me I would like to order a giant dildo to beat someone around the head with"

11:46NaftBacon, pick up your breasts. They keep hitting the floor.
11:46NaftJeez.

07:52MoonlightDriveat least
07:52MoonlightDriveyou didn't get RIC FLAIR'S TURGID OLD-MAN COCK
07:52MoonlightDrivefor your forfeit name

09:31Gianniwell, the Mississippi is the Democratic Republic of the Congo to Alabama's Republic of the Congo

09:40ShangelaDemonic slumber parties always have cute plastic slides.

12:38ChainmailleAddictI am so square that I have 89 degree angles.

19:14DeamonThis is way more semen talk than I expected at 11:15am
19:14Mumuit's 6am here
19:14Mumusemen for breakfast yall

20:47KalopsiaBioshock Infinite can jam a fork in its metaphorical urethra

11:37WesIn some ways, the sex undies were part of all of us, all along.

11:08Naft"The carbon-coated steel flayed a little due to the erosion from the lubricant, but Gavin paid it no heed."

21:43*** Medic joined #sotf
21:43MedicYarrrrh.
21:44Maraooneugghhrhghrsrh
21:44MedicYes

18:23MaraooneDeath by dildo. That would be fun to put on the wiki.
18:23OhmWhich I don't regret giving to Vahka
18:24MedicI mean didn't someone trip on a vibrator and drown in v4?
18:24--- Namira is back
18:24Namirayaaaaaaaay
18:24Namira...
18:24Namiradat context
18:24NamiraI MEAN
18:24NamiraYAY
18:24NamiraI FINISHED MY FIRST EXAM
18:24MedicYaaaaaay
18:24NamiraNOT YAY FOR DILDO MURDER
18:24Ohm
18:24MedicnO IT'S THE LACK OF DILDO MURDER THAT SADDENS ME

Loretta - Today at 8:21 AM
i wa nt to eat necroplush dick now

Zee - Today at 5:00 AM
roasts Aloha
Aloha - Today at 5:00 AM
winces at heat
Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 AM
Wait, that's not how you roast Aloha
Here's how:
Espi - Today at 5:01 AM
saves Aloha with a bucket of cold water
Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 AM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died

Pancapples - Yesterday at 12:38 PM
What is the record for shortest time spent between orgasm and death?
Ekanselttar - Yesterday at 12:41 PM
:thinking:
🕷man's control - Yesterday at 12:41 PM
I dunno but there was this guy who masturbated 42 times in a row before he died of dehydration
Pancapples - Yesterday at 12:41 PM
In-game, I mean.
🕷man's control - Yesterday at 12:41 PM
oh

jimmydalad - Today at 1:42 AM
Also, how much protein and stuff is in human meat?

Professor Fether - Today at 12:46 PM
Also now you've gotta do me.
Zee - Today at 12:46 PM
oh bby
The Homeless Beard(e) - Today at 12:46 PM
I do you, you do me.
Tell me when you get here how serious we're being.
Cause I will go in.

Ruggahissy - Today at 1:30 PM
I dont know if v6 had an all beige girl or boy
Aura? - Today at 1:30 PM
The streak is broken?
Ekanselttar - Today at 1:31 PM
if you streaked would that count as all beige? :eyes:
Ruggahissy - Today at 1:31 PM
No

Vole dog yo bro - Today at 10:24 AM
to be fair
rolle don top - Today at 10:24 AM
looks cross
Vole dog yo bro - Today at 10:24 AM
i thought a fleshlight was like
rolle don top - Today at 10:24 AM
I'm innocent
not pure
Vole dog yo bro - Today at 10:24 AM
a sexy flashlight up until now
Lolo - Today at 10:24 AM
SFH?SDIHTGEWSAIPTHEWAIUT
rolle don top - Today at 10:24 AM
ok Yugi is more pure than me
I at least knew it was a sex toy
Zee - Today at 10:24 AM
how would you make a flashlight sexy, I'm curious
Vole dog yo bro - Today at 10:24 AM
well like
a flashlight you would use in sexual intercourse
like
Lolo - Today at 10:25 AM
WHAT
Vole dog yo bro - Today at 10:25 AM
shine a light up the butthole I guess
[+] spoiler
Character Pimping Pledge (stolen off Kami)

For v5v6, I have come to a decision. To help lessen character pimping, I have vowed not to talk about my characters, any characters closely related to mine, or any threads I've been involved in, in any of the following places:

- Chat
- General Discussion thread
- TV Tropes
- Random Thoughts
- Anything else I missed

I am not allowing myself to talk about anything relating to my characters or scenes I'm in unless they are brought up in conversation by another handler. I am not allowed to use my characters' names OOC or mention anything relating to that character until another handler mentions them. This is not currently in effect for pre-game; these self-imposed rules do not apply until v5v6 starts. However, they will be in effect the second v5v6 is announced. When one of my characters die, escape, or are otherwise removed from the game, these rules are lifted for that character, and I am free to talk about that character as much as I want. However, the others will have to wait until they too are out of the game.

Private Thread Pledge (Stolen from Toben)
Let's show that private threads aren't necessary! I pledge not to start any private threads (EDIT: EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE THREAD IM SORRY) on island in V5v6. If I started a thread, you are welcome to join it.
"Mara was a mistake." - Cicada, 2017
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1245
Winner
1245
Winner
Joined: June 29th, 2013, 5:06 pm

March 19th, 2015, 11:14 am #10

Forrest Doe, maybe?
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