William Crawford

Caporacolo
Cannon Fodder
Caporacolo
Cannon Fodder
Joined: January 18th, 2012, 4:16 pm

January 18th, 2012, 7:26 pm #1

Name: William Crawford
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th grade
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Philosophy, Politics & Geopolitics, Soccer, Debating, Science, Revolution

Appearance: William is 5'9'' tall and weighs 154 lbs. Since he played soccer since he was 8, his body is well trained and very athletic. He also has large shoulders towering a robust and toned torso. Being partly of Russian descent, as his mother was born in Russia and lived there for many years, he has small ice blue eyes and short blonde hair. There are no signs of facial hair on his face, since he shaves regularly in the morning. He has a small nose, which pairs well with his eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek. His very pale skin completes his Nordic appearance and he may be easily confused with a Scandinavian guy by people who have at least a bit of knowledge of European ethnic looks. His clothing style may look typical compared to the average american teenager's wardrobe, but Williams avoids wearing clothes of common brands. He always wears hoodies and t-shirts with strange images on them, a pair of jeans and sneakers in different colours.

Biography: William was born in Seattle seventeen years ago by Robert Crawford, a big man from New York City, and Katrina Sarachenko, a Russian woman born in St.Petersburg. His parents met at Seattle Pacific University where they were and still are working as professors. His father teaches Theoretical Physics, while his mother teaches German Philosophy, specializing in Hegel. He has no brothers and sisters but he has 3 male cousins, by the side of his father, in New York City, and 2 cousins, a male and a female, in St. Petersburg. However, he his not so close to them, since he hardly sees them.

William was a smart guy since he was a child, being very curious about the environment and showing good memory and logic abilities. As he grew up he never had problems at school, even though the amount of study he needed was very small.

He was always attracted to his parents' jobs, and although he wasn't certain, he thought he'd like to become a university professor as well.

By the age of 14 he started approaching Western Philosophy. Amazed by Greek philosophers such as Socrates, Epicurus and Eraclitus he began reading divulgative books about them. He liked how sophisticated philosophical problems were analyzed and given a solution in a such elegant way. This eventually brought him to more recent intellectuals such as Hume, Descartes and Kant. Philosophy also was the connection path to politics, in which William became very interested.

In all that time, he didn't put aside his other interests, such as soccer. He has attended soccer lessons since he was 8, and he eventually started playing in a small soccer society. He also played for his elementary school but he needed to stop playing for his school, since the training with his main team became harder and more important. As soon as he started to attend Aurora High School, he became a fundamental part of the school's male soccer team.

In the last three years, the main aspects of his life became: politics, soccer, philosophy and science.

The first aspect took a fundamental side of his life and was strictly connected with his philosophic passion. He clearly felt that Hegel was the most important philosopher in western history. This thought led his attention inevitably to Ludwig Feuerbach and Karl Marx which completely shaped his views and hate towards religion and the capitalistic system.

Both of his big passions, politics and philosophy, allowed William to start debating with other students about many important themes in life, especially religious and political themes. Although he liked debating and expressing his thoughts to anyone, it was sometimes very stressful. His involvement as a striker in the team of the school helped him relieve the stress.

William is a very controversial guy. Being a very cynical person, he has strange thoughts and points of view about most of the subjects which people consider "hot". He developed a strong passion for explosives and bombs. One of his secret dreams is to move to Russia, China or Iran, the main counterparts of the American capitalistic and imperialistic system. He would like to partecipate in some nuclear programs and would like to have a big role in the making of nuclear and h-bombs. He also got a bit knowledge on these bombs given by his father, but nothing that couldn't be find on the internet.

Despite all this, he never has problems fitting into the most groups of friends he met during his life, but enemies weren't missing either. Some people may dislike how he tends to debate and criticize everything he doesn't agree with or that just dislikes. His friends are much more than his supposed enemies, and other than his soccer team, he has strong friendships with people from the Reading Club, some nerds and many cute girls all around the school. A lot of the girls he associates with seem to like him, but for now, William prefers to stay single and just take parts in short-terms flirts.

He his a regular weed smoker. He buys the drugs from a guy, Anton, which leaves in front of his house. Anton sells stronger drugs too, but Williams dislikes synthetic and chemical drugs and isn't an alcohol addict, allowing himself just some beers with friends. William seriously hates the police department and the army, which represent the authority of the State, although he does nothing to express his hate.

Advantages: Thanks to his persistent training he has got a strong and fit body and his stamina is pretty good, even though he continuously smokes weed. The good amount of friends also makes him a fairly popular guy in his High School. His good knowledge of general science and culture may help him in many situations. As a good debater, often able to convince other people, he can be a great leader. He won't regret to use other students for his own advantage.
Disadvantages: Some parts of his personality, such as the opposing and debating one may be disliked by some people. Also, these aspects may cause problems with other charismatic and stubborn personalities. He may have problems deciding to trust someone. Exploiting other people's abilities for himself may put him in bad companies.
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Megami
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 22nd, 2006, 2:13 am

January 20th, 2012, 10:53 pm #2

Hi Caporacolo, and welcome to SOTF! Unfortunately, William is not quite ready for pre-game yet, but don't get discouraged. He just needs a few revisions. I'll be walking step by step through the profile with you to point out things that will need editing before we can accept William into the V5 pre-game.

Name: William Crawford
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th grade
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Philosophy, Politics & Geopolitics, Soccer, Debating, Science, Revolution

Appearance: William is 5'9" tall and weighs 154 lbs. Since he playsed soccer since he was 8, his body is well trained, tonic and very athletic. (Good explanation of his body structure and how he's achieved this, but there are some grammatical errors in the sentence. Specifically "since he plays soccer" should be "since he played soccer", and I believe you mean toned in place of tonic. This is also the beginning of a long series of strange breakpoints in the profile, which may have been caused when it was copied and pasted from another form of data input media. These will need to be revised to either flow into the rest of the paragraph, or create a gap between this paragraph and the next. This keeps it from looking too jumbled together From here on out, I'll gap the paragraphs to demonstrate what I mean.)

Being partly of Russian descendance descent, as his mother was born in Russia and lived there for many years, he got has small ice blue eyes and short blonde hair. There are no signs of facial hair on his face, since he shaves regularly in the morning. His small nose pairs well with his eyes, even though a long scar on his left cheek makes it seems even smaller. (This sentence reads very strangely. Consider re-wording it to make it more clear what "it" is referring to.)
(The break here needs to be adjusted.)
His very pale skin completes his Nordic appereance appearance and he may be easily confused with a Scandinavian guy. (This break also needs to be fixed. Also, he would be mistaken for a Scandinavian guy by whom? Having lived in America my entire life, I can say that I can't distinguish ethnicity between many Europeans.)
Anyway he has robust torso towered by large shoulders, surely inherited by his father, a big and tough american man. (And another break that needs fixed. Also, this sentence will need to be reworded into a more "professional" statement. The character biographies are assumed to be written by Danya's men, and should read as such. Words like "Anyway" and "surely" add a personal flare to it that we aren't really looking for in the profiles themselves, and should be saved for the actual roleplay. Also, nationalities, such as American, should be capitalized.)
He surely (We can omit the surely here, as well) isn't a conformist guy regarding clothes and his wardrobe is full of t-shirts and hoodies with strange images on them. He also always wears jeans and simple sneakers in different colours. (What is it, specifically, about his clothing choices that makes him very non-conformist? Perhaps I'm misinterpretting his apparel a bit, but it sounds like the average high school student's wardrobe to me.)

Biography: William was born in Seattle seventeen years ago by Robert Crawford, a big man from New York City, and Katrina Sarachenko, a Russian woman born in St. Petersburg. His parents met at Seattle Pacific University where they were and still are working as ordinary professors (As opposed to... unordinary professors? Seems like the wording isn't needed.). His father teaches Theoretical Physics, while his mother teaches German Philosophy, specializing in Hegel. He has no brothers and sisters but he got has 3 male cousins, by the side of his father, in New York City, and 2 cousins, a male and a female, in St. Petersburg. However, he his not so close to them, since he hardly sees them.
(Space.)
William seemed to be a smart guy since he was a child, being very curious about the environment and showing good memory and logic abilities. (He seemed to be? Or he was?) As he grew up he never got had problems at school, even though the amount of study he needed was very small.

He was always attracted by his parent's' job and, even if he wasn't really sure, seemed he wanted to become a university professor too. (A bit awkwardly worded again. Should read more like "He was always attracted to his parents' jobs, and although he wasn't certain, he thought he'd like to become a university professor as well.")
(Space.)
By the age of 14 he started approaching western philosophy (Western Philosophy should probably be capitalized here.). Amazed by gGreek philosophers such as Socrates, Epicurus and Eraclitus he began reading divulgative books about them.
(Space. Also, the above paragraph should be expanded upon. If it is important enough to be listed in his hobbies and interests section, it should have more than one sentence devoted to it in the biography, just as a rule of thumb.)
In all that time, he didn't put aside his other interests, such as soccer. He hasattended soccer lessons for children (Assuming he isn't attending the same soccer lessons now as he was then, the "for children" part isn't necessary.) since he was 8, and he eventually started playing in a small soccer society. He also played for his elementary school and, after a period of stop, due to serious training in his club, he got back again at high school while leaving the soccer society club. (Club names should be capitalized. Also, "after a period of stop" needs to be reworded.)

In the last three years, the main aspects of his life became: politics, soccer, philosophy and science.
(Space.)
The first aspect took a fundamental side of his life and was strictly connected with his philosophic passion. He clearly felt that Hegel was the most important philosopher in western history. This thought led his attection (attention?) inevitably to Ludwig Feuerbach and Karl Marx which completely shaped his views and hate towards religion and the capitalistic system.
(Space.)
Soccer also covered a lot of the time when he wasn't debating or reading books about society and being part of the Aurora High School main team, playing as striker, helped him releasing anger and stress accumulated during some conversations, especially with religious bigots. Other than this he always got good marks in any class he attended.(This paragraph doesn't flow well. I understand that he frequently plays soccer, and is on the Aurora High soccer team. I also understand that he does it to relieve stress. Up until this point, I didn't know William was an argumentative person, so arguing with the religiously devoted kind of comes out of left field. And speaking of left field, the sentence discussing his grades in school doesn't really fit in with the rest of this paragraph. Overall, this section needs some serious re-wording.)

Anyway (The "anyway" is not necessary and causes the bio to read more like a conversation, rather than a document.) William is a very controversial guy. As one of the most cynical person people someone can imagine (Who is "someone"? Try avoiding statements like this, as it causes the bio to flow awkwardly. It's also hard to gauge something off of statements like that, because I for one know some incredibly cynical people. Will might be a cynic, but he might not even rival them. And then, he might be the most cynical person someone else knows. It's different for everyone.), he got has strange thoughts and points of view about most of the subjects which people consider "hot". He also developed a passion for explosives and bombs and thanks to most general information about advanced physics given by his father, he could also understand a bit how to make a nuclear bomb. Of course it was completely out of his abilities, and even if he understood every single part of the recipe, it would have been impossible to get the materials.
So one of his secret dreams is to build a nuclear bomb and sell it to the Iranians, which is a country that Williams really liked, along with China and Russia, the counterparts of the most capitalistic and imperialistic country in the world: USA. However his main dream, which isn't that secret though, is being able to participate in the global Marxist revolution. (Oh dear. This part of the biography gets into pretty touchy subjects, and while it isn't completely off the wall and unrealistic, it treads on pretty thin ground. If anyone ever found out about his desires to do things like this, coupled with the fact that he's apparently attempting to learn how to create nuclear bombs, it'd be a pretty serious issue, as that's something that would be considered treason. I'd really re-think this -- specifically, the amount that he knows about it. He's only 17, and it takes a special breed of scientist to create nuclear weapons.)

Despite all this, he never got has problems fitting into the most groups of friends he met during his life, but enemies weren't missing too either. Well, not real enemies, but people who really disliked his way of thinking, especially the atheist one. (Need to get rid of the "well", it makes the sentence too informal. Also, this is one of those areas where you'll want to be careful how you word things. Saying that he doesn't have any real "enemies" forces people into a corner. What if they have a character who doesn't like anything William stands for? He could have a real enemy in Aurora High, or outside of it, and not realize it, especially if he makes a habit of arguing with religious types about their personal views.) For sure his friends are much more than his supposed enemies, and other than his soccer team, he has strong friendships with people from the Reading Club, some nerds and many cute girls all around the school. (Need to get rid of the "for sure" bit.) A big part of these girls obviously likes him, but at the time, William prefers to be single and just "play" with random girls, avoiding serious relationships. (I'd re-word this sentence to say something like "A lot of the girls he associates with seem to like him, but for now, William prefers to stay single... etc.)

The dark side of William though couldn't be unrelated with his anti-capitalistic and anti-system behavior. (What?) He his a regular weed smoker but he seriously dislikes sintetic (synthetic?) and chemical drugs and isn't an alcohol addict, allowing himself just some beers with friends. He also tends to reject and oppose to the departments who represents the country, mainly the police and the army. (This sentence is awkward. Also, by doing what?)

Advantages:Thanks to his persistent training he has got a strong and fit body and his stamina is pretty good, even though he continuously smokes weed. (How does he acquire this, anyway?) The good amount of friends also makes him a fairly popular guy in his High School. His good knowledge of general science and culture may help him in many situations. He can be a good leader and he knows how to manipulate people and won't regret to use other students for his own advantage.(Run-on sentence.)
Disadvantages: Some parts of his personality, such as the opposing and debating one may be disliked by some people. Also, these aspects may cause problems with other charismatic personalities when deciding the leader of a group. He may get have problems deciding to trust someone, but (but what?) exploiting other people's abilities for himself may put him in bad companies.

---

Overall, William is a salvageable character concept. However, there's a bit of work that needs to be done on him. The above edits cover most of the things I noticed. There may be one or two other issues, but I'll go over those pending revision for this set. Don't get discouraged if it seems like a lot, a fair portion of the errors are punctuational and grammatical. However, there are a few character issues and inconsistencies as well. Post here letting the staff know when you've done your revisions, and one of us will give it another read-through.
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Caporacolo
Cannon Fodder
Caporacolo
Cannon Fodder
Joined: January 18th, 2012, 4:16 pm

January 21st, 2012, 6:27 pm #3

Edited, hope this is better than the first try
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Megami
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 22nd, 2006, 2:13 am

January 22nd, 2012, 10:27 pm #4

APPROVED
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