As he offered up his life, Eddie wondered silently to himself. Why was he doing this? He still had things to do, didn't he? The idea left a bad taste in his mouth, though the prospect of dying didn't bother him at all. Well, a life living through other people isn't much of a life to lose, is it?
Yes, he supposed that was it. Brushing the thoughts away, he calmly looked up the barrel of the gun at Laeil. She didn't seem to understand what he'd told her. Or, if she did, she wasn't quite sure as to what his intentions were. Eddie wasn't surprised. He barely understood his actions himself. Maybe you're starting to get develop a death wish? He didn't think so. In fact, the boy just wanted to help the only person he might still consider a friend.
Right. Time to stop kidding yourself. You were never going to find Wade. Supposing you did find him, you'd probably just fuck it up. I mean, look at all the other times. Eddie couldn't deny the accuracy of the thought. He hadn't been able to help Jimmy, he hadn't be able to help Lyn. He couldn't save Jodene. He probably wouldn't be able to kill Wade anyway. At least dying here and now might give Lyn some peace of mind. Probably not, but it was the thought that counted, right?
"If you're willing to give up that easily," Laeil said, "then she must not have meant that much to you." The words knocked the wind from his lungs. Before he could mount a coherent response, she was speaking again, kicking him in the ribs while he was down. "And if that's the case, I don't see you killing Wade at all. You're just a loser, a useless waste of space, and you should just die."
Dark eyes fell to the ground. He couldn't look at her anymore. Shame wouldn't allow him. Of course, she was right. Most people were right about him. All he'd ever been was a waste of space and oxygen. Jodene meant everything to him and he was still too afraid to actually do anything. How pathetic. But, why should he be any different now? Old habits, no matter how pathetic, are always difficult to overcome.
The conspicuous lack of gunfire was punctuated as Laeil turned and gathered her things. "A little advice." She said. "If you really want to do what you keep saying you want to do, I suggest you stop being such a fucking nice guy. Sentiment will only get you killed." Maybe she was right. Kimmy, Jimmy, Lyn; trying to help them hadn't brought him any closer to his goal.
Laeil threw her pack over her shoulder, her eyes colder than Eddie'd ever seen them. "You'd better pray I never see you again." She said as she walked away. And so it came to pass that Edward Sullivan was alone again. Drawing his knees to his chest, he felt the weight of the past few days crushing him. The absence left behind by Jimmy and Lyn hurt more than he thought it should have. He'd only known them a few days. The knowledge didn't make the anguish any easier to deal with.
And so, he sat and he thought. Memories of blood and fleeting flashes of gratitude plagued his thoughts. When Eddie came back to the world, he was slowly rocking himself, hands clamped tightly on his arms. Releasing his grip, he absently wiped away tears he didn't remember shedding. Looking around, at the empty clearing, a single thought gnawed away at him. Not finding any answer, he voiced his concerns to the lonely stretch of land.
"What do I do now?"
Maybe the night seems so dark because the day is much too bright.
Petra Elizabeth Andrews, Morgan Green, Edward Sullivan
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