Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.

Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!

Emprexx Plush
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 26th, 2011, 8:09 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 5:28 am #1

Hey everybody!

The Critique Thread is up and running again! As before, please mention whether you want any pre-game or memories included in the critique, as well telling me whether you'd like the critique PM'd or posted here.

As a note on the style of the critique, you'll see three sections in those posted below: Compelling, Dragging, and Nitpicky. Compelling is for what makes me want to keep reading your character, or compels me through their story with building momentum. Dragging is for what makes me get distracted or confused, adding drag to the story and killing the momentum. Nitpicky is for things I've noticed that don't necessarily belong in the dragging section for various reasons, and generally include smaller story issues that don't impact large chunks of the arc, or feel more "optional" in terms of whether fixing them is a good idea or not. As always, feel free to provide feedback of any kind on this format, I'm always looking to improve it to give the most effective, clear, and overall positive critique that I can!

The Fifth Queue is Open! For this queue, any characters who are not from BR, V1, V2, or are currently living are eligible for submission. I'd prefer handlers who have received a critique in the last queue wait a couple days before submitting a new character.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
1. Ami Flynn
2. Rutherford "R.J." Roger
3. Brandon Baxter
4. Adonis Alba
5. Mirabella Strong
6. Ian Williams
7. Rosemary Michaels
8. Jack McDonald
9. Carlon Wheeler
10. Paris Ardennes
[+] spoiler
1. Alice Gilman
2. Claire Monaghan
3. Gwen O'Connor
4. Benjamin Ward (Under Shangela)
5. Chase Rodriguez
6. Hansel Williams
7. Venice Pennington-Johannes
8. Maynard Francis Hurst
9. Aileen Abdallah
10. Karen Ruiz
[+] spoiler
1. Michael Robinson(Under Yugikun)
2. Deanna Hull
3. Zoe Walker
4. Bella Bianchi
5. Owen Kay
6. Cathryn Bailey
7. Gray Emerson
8. Amaranta Montalvo
9. Gene Steward
10. Finn Grant
[+] spoiler
1. Brendan O'Toole
2. Marcus Leung (Under Un-Persona)
3. Rachael Langdon
4. Joachim Lovelace (Under Bikriki)
5. Paisley Hopkins (Under Ciel)
6. Michael Mitchellson
7. K.K. Konipaski
8. Lucy Williams
9. Forrest Doe
10. Sarah Bourne
[+] spoiler
1. Will Brackering
2. Lucia Del Pirlo
3. Chris Brooks
4. Cass Prince
5. Lukas Graves
6. Alessio Rigano
7. Dougie Sharpe
8. Lucilly Peterson
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
[+] spoiler
B062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
[+] spoiler
B014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
Isaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars

NPCs:
Jacob Brooks: ... Character Theme: 1812 Overture-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
[+] spoiler
Blaise d'Aramitz: Blonde Hair, Black Lungs-Sorority Noise
Helena 'Hel" Fury: Okay, but riddle me this: where in the rulebook does it say it's not a series of automatic critical hits if I Flurry of Blows an ogre's nutsack like a speedbag? Bad Liar-Selena Gomez
Jeremiah Widdlestone: NOT--FOR--YOU 911/Mr. Lonely-Tyler The Creator
Damian Riccardo Maradona Reyes: I'll go all day, all week, all year if I gotta, big guy. Just try and stop me. Years Of War-Porter Robinson
Barbara "Babs" Mulaney: One. Deux. Tres. Vier. Fem. Yug. Haft. Aath. Dyev-yat. Dez. Might Tell You Tonight-Scissor Sisters
Zyzzx Rigs: Last of the first, folks. Light me up.You Know You Like It - DJ Snake ft.
AlunaGeorge
[+] spoiler
Some Guy Probably: A thing he said? Character Theme: Flyers-Bradio
Alex Darby: Let's weigh what everyone brings to the table, and find a suitable compromise. It's in your best interest. Character theme: Devil's Gift-Shaman's Harvest
[+] spoiler
Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Un-Persona
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 28th, 2012, 2:09 am

December 23rd, 2013, 5:32 am #2

R.J. had a spot in the original~

Links in Sig. I'd appreciate it if you just skipped the Pre-Game, Memories pats ^_^;.

I'm fine with it being posted here.
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
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[+] spoiler
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ & ❤ ❤
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V7 - ❤ ❤ ❤ - PV3 - {❤} ❤ ❤ - TV3 - ❤ ❤ - V8 - ❤ ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
21:33RattlesnakeIf you can't ninja roll the solution is to get naked until you can ninja roll

Justice for Natali - Today at 4:21 PM
Your adorable face will not save you from the long dick of the law

Gianni - Today at 8:05 PM
Sometimes the big tru tru different than the small tru tru
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Flare
Contender
Joined: September 11th, 2010, 1:32 am

December 23rd, 2013, 6:40 am #3

Jack McDonald wasn't part of the original list (I don't THINK so, at least...), but it would be nice to get a critique on him. Just post it here, and be as harsh as you'd like.

Also no pre-game/memory stuff necessary.
V5 Characters:

Jack McDonald is a SELF-INSERT YAY.
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Emprexx Plush
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 26th, 2011, 8:09 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 6:42 am #4

I'll add him in! He'll be behind anyone else from the old queue that claims in, but I'll get around to him once they're done
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
[+] spoiler
B062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
[+] spoiler
B014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
Isaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars

NPCs:
Jacob Brooks: ... Character Theme: 1812 Overture-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
[+] spoiler
Blaise d'Aramitz: Blonde Hair, Black Lungs-Sorority Noise
Helena 'Hel" Fury: Okay, but riddle me this: where in the rulebook does it say it's not a series of automatic critical hits if I Flurry of Blows an ogre's nutsack like a speedbag? Bad Liar-Selena Gomez
Jeremiah Widdlestone: NOT--FOR--YOU 911/Mr. Lonely-Tyler The Creator
Damian Riccardo Maradona Reyes: I'll go all day, all week, all year if I gotta, big guy. Just try and stop me. Years Of War-Porter Robinson
Barbara "Babs" Mulaney: One. Deux. Tres. Vier. Fem. Yug. Haft. Aath. Dyev-yat. Dez. Might Tell You Tonight-Scissor Sisters
Zyzzx Rigs: Last of the first, folks. Light me up.You Know You Like It - DJ Snake ft.
AlunaGeorge
[+] spoiler
Some Guy Probably: A thing he said? Character Theme: Flyers-Bradio
Alex Darby: Let's weigh what everyone brings to the table, and find a suitable compromise. It's in your best interest. Character theme: Devil's Gift-Shaman's Harvest
[+] spoiler
Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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NotAFlyingToy
Winner
Joined: April 9th, 2013, 1:26 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 8:00 am #5

I *think* Baxter or Hansel was in the original. No idea.
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.
[+] spoiler
We've yet to live and soon will fall.

B027: Oskar Pearce has his shields up -- Step back from it, Jane. (Adopted from SansaSaver!)
[+] spoiler
We've fought and fought and lost it all.

G063: Natali Greer fell into sadness and couldn't get out -- Everything was going to be alright. (Adopted Posthumously from backslash!)
B067: Brandon Baxter died as he lived -- On his own terms.
B076: Hansel Williams wasn't wrong, in the end -- I wouldn't change anything. Not a goddamn thing.
[+] spoiler
Here in the wings, we wait for the call.

Jaden Bertelli wants you to be better -- Work harder, no excuses.
Miley Sacramento isn't looking for the long-term -- Like, why are the democrats an elephant, anyway?
Robert Munnings hates your favourite teacher -- We hurt ourselves so that others can't.
Kelsey Hamilton is going to be the best in the world -- Out of my way, dead man.
Asher Glas really admires the way you carry yourself -- Oh, hey - let me get that for you.
"Skinny" Trevor Sharpe would sell the shirt off of your back -- Pick your poison.
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Emprexx Plush
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 26th, 2011, 8:09 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 8:47 am #6

I'm pretty sure Hansel was? It might have been Baxter though. I'm pretty sure you were in the original. Who would you rather I critique? I'll just honor your spot with whichever one you'd prefer.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
[+] spoiler
B062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
[+] spoiler
B014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
Isaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars

NPCs:
Jacob Brooks: ... Character Theme: 1812 Overture-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
[+] spoiler
Blaise d'Aramitz: Blonde Hair, Black Lungs-Sorority Noise
Helena 'Hel" Fury: Okay, but riddle me this: where in the rulebook does it say it's not a series of automatic critical hits if I Flurry of Blows an ogre's nutsack like a speedbag? Bad Liar-Selena Gomez
Jeremiah Widdlestone: NOT--FOR--YOU 911/Mr. Lonely-Tyler The Creator
Damian Riccardo Maradona Reyes: I'll go all day, all week, all year if I gotta, big guy. Just try and stop me. Years Of War-Porter Robinson
Barbara "Babs" Mulaney: One. Deux. Tres. Vier. Fem. Yug. Haft. Aath. Dyev-yat. Dez. Might Tell You Tonight-Scissor Sisters
Zyzzx Rigs: Last of the first, folks. Light me up.You Know You Like It - DJ Snake ft.
AlunaGeorge
[+] spoiler
Some Guy Probably: A thing he said? Character Theme: Flyers-Bradio
Alex Darby: Let's weigh what everyone brings to the table, and find a suitable compromise. It's in your best interest. Character theme: Devil's Gift-Shaman's Harvest
[+] spoiler
Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Aura
Winner
Aura
Winner
Joined: December 9th, 2011, 6:39 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 9:08 am #7

I would appreciate it if you added Adonis Alba to the queue, if you please.

He's got some pre-game, and I think it's kind of important to his overall story, so please don't skip it.

Links are on his wiki page, which is right here.

[+] spoiler
v5 Characters:

B029- Matt Masters- DECEASED (114/152)

B043- Adonis Alba- DECEASED (124/152)

G051- Stacey Mordetsky- DECEASED (136/152)
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SansaSaver
Player
Joined: November 18th, 2012, 7:49 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 9:37 am #8

Bella was in the original queue, but I'm happy to step out if necessary! Also, is this restricted purely to V5? If that's not the case, then could you maybe please critique Marcus in Bella's place? I really don't mind, though - whatever's most convenient to you and everybody else! c:

(Also, could you please read Bella's pregame too? That’d be amazing! c:)
Version Seven:
Tristan O?Hara
Dorothea Rodriguez
Ariana Simpson
[+] spoiler
Version Five:
B049 ? Maynard Hurst
G060 ? Mirabella Strong

Version Six:
B004 ? Joshua Bracewell
? Adopted by Ciel
G026 ? Hazel Jung ? Adopted by Ruggahissy
B027 ? Oskar Pearce ? Adopted by NAFT
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Emprexx Plush
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 26th, 2011, 8:09 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 9:53 am #9

For the moment I'm restricting it to V5 because I like to keep my frame of reference when doing these, but I might open it up to other versions after this set! I'll add Bella to the queue for now.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
[+] spoiler
B062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
[+] spoiler
B014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
Isaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars

NPCs:
Jacob Brooks: ... Character Theme: 1812 Overture-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
[+] spoiler
Blaise d'Aramitz: Blonde Hair, Black Lungs-Sorority Noise
Helena 'Hel" Fury: Okay, but riddle me this: where in the rulebook does it say it's not a series of automatic critical hits if I Flurry of Blows an ogre's nutsack like a speedbag? Bad Liar-Selena Gomez
Jeremiah Widdlestone: NOT--FOR--YOU 911/Mr. Lonely-Tyler The Creator
Damian Riccardo Maradona Reyes: I'll go all day, all week, all year if I gotta, big guy. Just try and stop me. Years Of War-Porter Robinson
Barbara "Babs" Mulaney: One. Deux. Tres. Vier. Fem. Yug. Haft. Aath. Dyev-yat. Dez. Might Tell You Tonight-Scissor Sisters
Zyzzx Rigs: Last of the first, folks. Light me up.You Know You Like It - DJ Snake ft.
AlunaGeorge
[+] spoiler
Some Guy Probably: A thing he said? Character Theme: Flyers-Bradio
Alex Darby: Let's weigh what everyone brings to the table, and find a suitable compromise. It's in your best interest. Character theme: Devil's Gift-Shaman's Harvest
[+] spoiler
Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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VysePresident
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 10:55 pm

December 23rd, 2013, 10:02 am #10

Ian Williams was somewhere near the end of the queue, as I recall. I'd very much appreciate it if you'd take a look at him, including Memories. You'll find all the relevant links in my sig.
Constructive criticism is always welcome! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any pointers or feedback you'd like to share!
Character #1: Boy #37 Ian Williams - Now with 55% less self-insert.
Designated Weapon: Polaroid Instant Camera With Film (Enough for 8 photographs)

Past - | 1 | 2 | (Current thread - Birds of a Feather)
Pregame - None
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (Final Thread - Glass
)
Character #2: Boy #66 Chase Rodriguez - Adopted from Pippin.
Designated Weapon: Silver Pill Box Containing Three Cyanide Capsules

Past - None
Pregame - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | (Last seen in - Diversions)
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | (Final Thread - Drawing to an End)
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