Persy and Naft's Excellent Critique Adventure

Un-Persona
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 28th, 2012, 2:09 am

November 30th, 2013, 3:51 am #1

So.

This is probably an awful idea BUT SCIENCE BITCH.

Me and Naft are fusing to form the super mega critic.



You see what had happened was, me and naft we're scheming our usual night time schemes last night on chat, but then we had an actual good idea and we were all like:



But being that most of our late night schemes aren't very plausible/successful, we decided to sleep it off and see if it was still a good idea today and it totally may be:



While this is a new critique thread, we decided it'd only be fair if we still did the requested critiques we promised to do but haven't yet, so sorry for the long wait, but hey 2 for 1 deal:



With that, some RULES THAT YOU NEED TO FOLLOW FOR MOST EXCELLENCY

1) If you have a character that was critiqued by one of us and not the other, YOU MAY NOT RE-SUBMIT THAT CHARACTER FOR THIS THREAD.
2) If you've had a character that was already critiqued by both of us, it should be obvious that the above also applies here.
3) If you already have a character on one of our lists and they haven't been critiqued yet, you may not submit another character for right now. We appreciate your patience.
3.5) If you had a different character on each of our lists, well lucky you. You're still gonna get them c:
4) While we are still doing our old critiques, we live on the edge so we're allowing new submissions for critiquing, barring that they don't fit the above and you get them in before the 10 limit cap fills in. That's right, we're putting a cap in this ho.
5) We don't reserve for characters who don't exist.
6) You may not request characters that are not yours.
7) No characters that have only been in pre-game/sandbox.
[+] spoiler
  • Adonis Alba
  • Maynard Hurst
  • Brianna Battaglia
  • Sharon Elizabeth
  • Carmina Maliski
  • Finn Grant
  • Megan Emerson
  • Katy Warren
  • Sophie McDowell
  • Owen Kay
  • Ami Flynn
  • Yukiko Sakurai
  • Meera Stele
  • Juhan Levandi
  • Hansel Williams
  • Chase Rodriguez
[+] spoiler
1) Alice Gilman
2) Garret Wilde
3) Karen Ruiz (Mini)
4) Jasmine Stone (Mini)
5) Katarina "KK" Konipaski
6) Sarah Tan (V4)
7) Sean Mulcahy
8) Harun Kemal (V4)
9) Brian Meyerhold Callison (Mini)
10) Ray Gilbert
And Remember:



Do you have a favorite Persy and Naft adventure? Here they are listed below!
Episode 1: Took A Wrong Turn At Adonis.
Episode 2: Maynard We Have This Dance?
Episode 3: Aren't You Glad I Didn't Say Brianna?
Episode 4: Sharon Is Carin. But Not Really.
Episode 5: Where In The World Is Carmina Maliski? (Guest Starring Laurels)
Episode 6: Adventure Time With Finn and Us
Episode 7: Total Emerson
Episode 8: Warren Not So Peaceful
Episode 9: We Got The Moves Like McDowell
Episode 10: Owen To The Fact (Guest Starring The Alphabet) & (A Live Performance by The Jackson 5)
Episode 11: Hansel Held High (Un-Persona's Editorial and Commentary)
Episode 12: Ami Given Sunday (Guest Starring Dom)
Episode 13: Cardcaptor Sakurai
Episode 14: Meera Meera On The Wall
Episode 15: Takes Juhan To Know Juhan
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ & ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
V7 - ❤ ❤ ❤ - PV3 - {❤} ❤ ❤ - TV3 - ❤ ❤ - V8 - ❤ ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
21:33RattlesnakeIf you can't ninja roll the solution is to get naked until you can ninja roll

Justice for Natali - Today at 4:21 PM
Your adorable face will not save you from the long dick of the law

Gianni - Today at 8:05 PM
Sometimes the big tru tru different than the small tru tru
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NotAFlyingToy
Winner
Joined: April 9th, 2013, 1:26 pm

November 30th, 2013, 3:57 am #2

Everything he says is correct. Results may be completely ridiculous but should prove somewhat entertaining, if not always helpful.

Also, let us know if you want it handled in private, since we're likely to be posting the public critical analysis here.
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.
[+] spoiler
We've yet to live and soon will fall.

B027: Oskar Pearce has his shields up -- Step back from it, Jane. (Adopted from SansaSaver!)
[+] spoiler
We've fought and fought and lost it all.

G063: Natali Greer fell into sadness and couldn't get out -- Everything was going to be alright. (Adopted Posthumously from backslash!)
B067: Brandon Baxter died as he lived -- On his own terms.
B076: Hansel Williams wasn't wrong, in the end -- I wouldn't change anything. Not a goddamn thing.
[+] spoiler
Here in the wings, we wait for the call.

Jaden Bertelli wants you to be better -- Work harder, no excuses.
Miley Sacramento isn't looking for the long-term -- Like, why are the democrats an elephant, anyway?
Robert Munnings hates your favourite teacher -- We hurt ourselves so that others can't.
Kelsey Hamilton is going to be the best in the world -- Out of my way, dead man.
Asher Glas really admires the way you carry yourself -- Oh, hey - let me get that for you.
"Skinny" Trevor Sharpe would sell the shirt off of your back -- Pick your poison.
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dmboogie
Winner
Joined: December 9th, 2008, 10:33 pm

November 30th, 2013, 3:57 am #3

Could you please critique Alice Gilman, my oh-so-shiny fused critiquing overlords?
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
Asha Sur: GIRL 018, armed with a TASER. "Let's all embrace nihilism and be nice!"
Cass Prince: HUMAN 001, armed with a MOP. "It's all falling apart, isn't it? We're unravelling."
[+] spoiler
V6
Harold Porter: BOY 034, armed with a COFFEE POT. "Hey - none of this... none of this is your fault, alright?" Messed up. Plain and simple.

V5
Daniel Whitten: BOY 074, armed with an INDIANA JONES REPLICA WHIP. "Oh, hey, sorry. Didn't think there was anyone else-" Died early.
Alice Gilman: GIRL 064, armed with a ROTATO. "Just... Just wanted you to drop the gun. Thought you were gonna shoot." Died stupidly.
Michael Mitchellson:BOY 019, armed with a FUCKING AUTOMATIC SHOTGUN. Died a failure.

[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
Daniel Whitten

By Violent-Medic

Michael Mitchellson

By Violent-Medic



By Mimi

Alice Gilman


By TurtleTyrant

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Emprexx Plush
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 26th, 2011, 8:09 pm

November 30th, 2013, 4:33 am #4

I'm throwing Garrett into this because it's glorious. Linkeys are below.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G056, Alda Abbate(Adopted)
It was difficult to nail down exactly when the anger started. Remembering a time when it wasn't there, coiled up and waiting to strike or alive and thrashing, was growing more and more challenging. It'd been with her for so long that it no longer felt like an intruder in her mind. It felt like a part of her.
[+] spoiler
B062, Garrett Wilde
I multiplied. Then I subtracted. That's what we do now. That's how we keep the most people around.
[+] spoiler
B014, Joachim Lovelace(Adopted)
Your turn.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

Abby Floyd:This place was vile. Overwhelmingly, terribly vile. Character Theme: Everything's Alright-Emily Scholz
Ty Yazzie: You ever wonder if you still got a home to go back to? Character Theme: Warrior People-Medicine For The People
Isaac Brea(Adopted from Espi): Isaac's well of fucks was bone-dry. Character Theme: The Whiskey, The Liar, The Thief-Patent Pending
Caedyn Miller:So...how did you wanna do this? Feeling an open casket? Or is that dumb? Nah, don't say it, that's dumb. We'll be soup by the time they send us home anyway. Character Theme: Sleep-My Chemical Romance
Irene Djezari(Adopted from CicadaDays): Death was not worse than Meme Hell. Character Theme: A Beautiful Lie-30 Seconds To Mars

NPCs:
Jacob Brooks: ... Character Theme: 1812 Overture-Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
[+] spoiler
Blaise d'Aramitz: Blonde Hair, Black Lungs-Sorority Noise
Helena 'Hel" Fury: Okay, but riddle me this: where in the rulebook does it say it's not a series of automatic critical hits if I Flurry of Blows an ogre's nutsack like a speedbag? Bad Liar-Selena Gomez
Jeremiah Widdlestone: NOT--FOR--YOU 911/Mr. Lonely-Tyler The Creator
Damian Riccardo Maradona Reyes: I'll go all day, all week, all year if I gotta, big guy. Just try and stop me. Years Of War-Porter Robinson
Barbara "Babs" Mulaney: One. Deux. Tres. Vier. Fem. Yug. Haft. Aath. Dyev-yat. Dez. Might Tell You Tonight-Scissor Sisters
Zyzzx Rigs: Last of the first, folks. Light me up.You Know You Like It - DJ Snake ft.
AlunaGeorge
[+] spoiler
Some Guy Probably: A thing he said? Character Theme: Flyers-Bradio
Alex Darby: Let's weigh what everyone brings to the table, and find a suitable compromise. It's in your best interest. Character theme: Devil's Gift-Shaman's Harvest
[+] spoiler
Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things and your Living Things! As of 8/14/2017, the Living Queue is Closed, and the Dead Queue is Open!
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Ciel
Mr. Danya
Joined: May 26th, 2007, 12:17 am

November 30th, 2013, 4:36 am #5

I am going to be incredibly disappointed if you guys agree with each other and never bicker.
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NotAFlyingToy
Winner
Joined: April 9th, 2013, 1:26 pm

November 30th, 2013, 4:58 am #6

We thought that we'd show you guys what you're all in for, so here: NotAnUnPersona presents:

Critique: Adonis Alba

Welcome to the first Fusion criticism! Naft will speak in this colour!

Fuckin A. There we are. Purple.

Okay! So, Adonis. Adonis is pretty neat, and also something of a good development for me, because he’s an example of a character that most people knew to be an asshole in pregame, but when he got on island, turned out to be not that much of an asshole whatsoever. Now, where this becomes cool is that it doesn’t feel like Aura forced the story into a place where it wasn’t ready.

Right. Adonis is definitely a guy a lot of people think of when they first wake up on the island, and that’s great, showing the infamy he has made for himself. But again, he’s only a jerk, not a serial killer, and Aura does something that I really love in that he actually makes Adonis realize what he’s doing wrong before the island, and comes off a lot more mature and sensible then many of the other kids when he’s actually on it.

A great example of this can be found in his first thread (I love how easy it is to quote kids like this), where he’s confronted with both Mallory and Hansel, two… well, not so reasonable individuals. Immediately, this encounter sets the tone for Adonis being the rational one - quite a switch from his pregame showing!

Exactly. It’s especially nice in that it’s all very natural. The pacing is great, the timing is just right, and you can believe that the Adonis on the island and the Adonis off the island are the exact same person, even though it’s still amazingly odd how you could show someone those threads and say they aren’t the same character, and people would totally believe you, or at least I would.

However, while I like Adonis a lot as one of Aura’s kids, I do think that AMF does tend to lean a little too heavily on the interior dialogue - many times throughout Adonis’ posts, I see italicised internal conflict. While that’s great for the reader and the narrative, in a roleplay setting it’s generally more useful to the scene as a whole if you’re able to convey those inner thoughts with facial expressions, shifted weight - basically giving the characters and handlers around you some stuff to play off of, just to keep the scene fresh.

This is the part where we become Siskel and Ebert. By that, I mean I’ll have to disagree with Naft here right quick and say I didn’t mind the italicized thoughts at all. Adonis has a lot of personality to convey and is great with the emotional simplicity he carries. We can, or rather I can, see a lot of things from his point of view when he’s on the island and it’s relatable because he’s not subtle or mysterious. It’s on a point where I can see him as a good, or rather reasonable, person rather then a good character, but he’s that too, so it’s a nice bonus.

If we’re Siskel and Ebert, dibs on the handsome one.

Favourite Quotes:

Naft:
wrote:During his burst of laughter, Adonis tried to calm himself down enough to say something to the guy, maybe give him a fine greeting. Unfortunately, whenever Adonis looked at him, he only saw the lightsaber in his hands, and he started laughing all over again. Eventually, Adonis stopped laughing and looked at the poor bastard. He could only muster up a few words, still chuckling a bit from the sheer absurdity of the situation.

"Dude... what the fuck?"
The reason I love this quote so much is that here, AMF displays a nice little talent for the absurd. The scene itself is also really good - from Adonis’ hurried explanation about the Mallory/Hansel/Adonis three way of douchery to Bianca’s confused attempt to sort it all out. Here, when Luca unveils his toy lightsaber, we get this delightful reaction. Glorious!

Persy
wrote:"Can I get back to my game now?"
Such a simple marks such a magnificent turning point for a character. This is his from his pre-game thread “How I Spent My Suspension” and it’s great because from up until this point, Adonis has only showed us his asshole side because that’s all there was to him. But here, we see him thinking, evaluating the troubles he’s put himself through and what he’s done to others. Yeah, he got in trouble for good reasons, but can a man just play a game without getting kicked while he’d down? It’s great.


Final Grades:

Persy: A-
Naft: B+
A list of the dying, a list of the damned.
[+] spoiler
We've yet to live and soon will fall.

B027: Oskar Pearce has his shields up -- Step back from it, Jane. (Adopted from SansaSaver!)
[+] spoiler
We've fought and fought and lost it all.

G063: Natali Greer fell into sadness and couldn't get out -- Everything was going to be alright. (Adopted Posthumously from backslash!)
B067: Brandon Baxter died as he lived -- On his own terms.
B076: Hansel Williams wasn't wrong, in the end -- I wouldn't change anything. Not a goddamn thing.
[+] spoiler
Here in the wings, we wait for the call.

Jaden Bertelli wants you to be better -- Work harder, no excuses.
Miley Sacramento isn't looking for the long-term -- Like, why are the democrats an elephant, anyway?
Robert Munnings hates your favourite teacher -- We hurt ourselves so that others can't.
Kelsey Hamilton is going to be the best in the world -- Out of my way, dead man.
Asher Glas really admires the way you carry yourself -- Oh, hey - let me get that for you.
"Skinny" Trevor Sharpe would sell the shirt off of your back -- Pick your poison.
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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

November 30th, 2013, 6:12 am #7

This looks far too fun. Are you guys limiting it to V5 only?
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Un-Persona
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 28th, 2012, 2:09 am

November 30th, 2013, 6:19 am #8

Mw wrote:This looks far too fun. Are you guys limiting it to V5 only?
We are not. There is room for some Mini/VX kids. Long as the cap isn't full and we haven't done it, floor is open.
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ & ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
V7 - ❤ ❤ ❤ - PV3 - {❤} ❤ ❤ - TV3 - ❤ ❤ - V8 - ❤ ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
21:33RattlesnakeIf you can't ninja roll the solution is to get naked until you can ninja roll

Justice for Natali - Today at 4:21 PM
Your adorable face will not save you from the long dick of the law

Gianni - Today at 8:05 PM
Sometimes the big tru tru different than the small tru tru
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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

November 30th, 2013, 6:33 am #9

Since I talked with you both in chat and you didn't balk, I'd love it if you'd take a look at Karen Ruiz who starts here. (Her pregame starts here; it's optional reading, like pregame typically is, but does set up quite a few things that happen later.) Thanks a ton for doing these!
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Un-Persona
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 28th, 2012, 2:09 am

November 30th, 2013, 8:51 am #10

Holy cow this is a lot longer then we anticipated.

Critique: Maynard Francis Hurst

MayNEEEEERD! Sorry, bit of shenanigans on my part. Maynard is an oddity to me, in that when I usually think of characters, I think of their personality and traits, but all I can think of is his narrative and the writing style. By writing style, I mean words. Lots of them, the words I remember most often are the adjectives and the descriptors because there are so many. Even more odd, I don't think this drags Maynard as down nearly as much as it would should he have been written by someone else, which is impressive in some sort of way that I don't think I have the dictionary that has the words required that fits this.

Ahh, Maynard. Maynard, Maynard, Maynard. I have very mixed feelings about Mr. Hurst, and in him we can find a study in good execution and defined characterisation, sprinkled with a few questionable writing choices, in my opinion. But the good first! Maynard’s one of the more bold concepts in terms of his character - it’s awesome to see a writer take a character that isn’t the most competent or complex of people in a survival situation and refrain from basically making fun of them in narrative for it. Maynard comes across as earnest - loyal, trying hard, and doing the best he can through it all, and the narrative assists this projection wonderfully. Also, I absolutely agree with Persy - dude’s a nerd, and that bleeds into his story! Really cool!

Yeah, it’s still pretty easy to see Maynard’s character throughout out all the words it’s hidden behind, I’d even say it’s very upfront about it. He’s right slab at the beginning of developing a different kind of attitude about thing, but let’s not get there yet. To talk about Maynard we should delve into those he’s allied himself; Natali and Adam. Adam is pretty much the default leader and Natali is something of a caretaker, while Maynard has no idea what he’s doing, and he’s very aware of that! What’s interesting is that Adam and Natali don’t seem to mind all too much about Maynard and what he’s not doing, so it seems like he’s extra hard on himself because of it. The best way I can describe it is it’s like a little kid trying to help his grandparents in the kitchen but is holding out on the pancakes making themselves.

Absolutely. I think the reason why I like Maynard is that in him, SansaSaver (COMIC SANS) found the perfect blend in terms of a group, especially in the sense of the balance. We have three ideologies in Natali, Adam, and Maynard, and all three can basically be summed up by their first thread on the island. Adam became strong and the do-it-quickly guy, the dude who led the group out of necessity. Natali offered Maynard a hug and agreed with Adam. Maynard stood around with piss in his pants, but he stood around earnestly. Before I move on to what I feel can be improved, Persy, let’s hear about this potential change in Maynard’s attitude!

Alright so Maynard and friends are doing the usual Maynard and friends things, walkin, talkin, and then, the announcements come on. Your friends are dead. Well, not all of them, but Maynard reacts in a way that seems natural and reasonable but isn’t all too present on the island. He doesn’t cry. He sobs and weeps. That really caught me because that was not something I can remember happening with a lot of other people, and I’m not sure it happened with anyone else at all. And further-

Definitely. Boy snotted up the entire room and was generally all gross. But it definitely felt real and vivid! It reminds me of this one time, at my uncle’s cabin-

*Shoves Naft out of the way* ANYWAY. Where was I? Oh, right. That was very special to me because it’s so very emotional. He can’t hold it in because it hurts too much to hear how your friends died and he has to let it out, because that is too hard to hold in for some. This is fantastic. It makes me feel. From that point on, Maynard is on point with how his emotions make me enjoy reading him, which is a fair amount. He’s a bit more subdued and a bit more testy in some places, but he’s still good ol’ Maynard, and that’s good to see

Yep - and on that note, I’m going to bring this right back around to what I think are questionable writing choices. Now, nobody is exempt from a few slip ups here and there, and on the whole they don’t detract a whole lot from Maynard as a character. However, there are three things I’d like to note that I feel detracted from the experience. Firstly, Sansa (COMIC SANS) ...Get a life, Persy. Firstly, your early showing as Maynard had a lot of ellipses peppered throughout the dialogue, and it was used almost as a crutch to illustrate his stuttering and halting speech. It’s not as bad the further he goes into the game, but it’s still prevalent in some areas. My challenge to you, Sa- friend, would be to find another method of illustrating he’s stuttering and stammering without having so many “...”’s peppering the dialogue.

I will agree that nobody is perfect, because they aren’t, but I would like to peck at something different. Basically, COMIC SANS, when you’re describing something, stop and take a second back and ask “Is this important? Does this add to the story? Would the reader care?” If no to all of those questions, scrap it.

Well since Persy STOLE MY SECOND POINT I’ll jump right to the third. Your narrative is slightly inconsistent when describing things. One thing that jumped out at me is, when you were writing about how Maynard had urine in his pants, you changed the vernacular from ‘pee’ or ‘urine’ or ‘soiled pants’ to ‘piss’. And it really jumped out at me and shocked me slightly, because up until that point, his narrative read as serene, earnest, and almost snowflake-y in innocence. Remember to keep it consistent!

And with that, we’re off to ruin some innocent lives at the pub. And hopefully Naft will keep his “keeping pants on” routine for a new record.

I’ll have you know that six minutes is a family record

Favourite Quotes:
Persy
wrote:"Onwards. I guess."
And here we have that development I am loving so much in two compact sentences. It’s just so very nice to see someone hit harder by the deaths of his friends then others in such a short but reasonable amount of time. It’s a light for great things to come.

Naft
wrote:The crackle of the announcements only served to make it worse, and Maynard was in the process of rubbing the sore spot when the death toll arrived. The rest of the announcement went by unheard the second the name was said.

Daniel Whitten.
Hooo boy. It’s two parts sympathy for Maynard and the fact that he just lost a dear friend of his, one part awe at the way that this statement is so poignant and powerful, and one teensy part evil, sadistic laughter that my character did this to yours.

Mwa ha ha HA HA HA!


Final Grades:

Naft: B for Breally good
Persy: B-
V7 relationship thread! Say hi to my kids!
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ & ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
V7 - ❤ ❤ ❤ - PV3 - {❤} ❤ ❤ - TV3 - ❤ ❤ - V8 - ❤ ❤ ❤
[+] spoiler
21:33RattlesnakeIf you can't ninja roll the solution is to get naked until you can ninja roll

Justice for Natali - Today at 4:21 PM
Your adorable face will not save you from the long dick of the law

Gianni - Today at 8:05 PM
Sometimes the big tru tru different than the small tru tru
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