Michael Crowe

Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

12:39 AM - Jun 28, 2015 #1

Name: Michael Crowe
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Motorcycling, horror movies, mafia shows, videogames.

Appearance: Michael Crowe stands at around 5'7, weighing in at 168 pounds with a firm, but relaxed posture. He is somewhat muscular, but is a bit pudgy around his midsection. He has light brown hair, and with the help of cosmetic gels and sprays, it is styled in a mix of a 1980's-esque mullet and coiffure combo. His hair is styled up and towards the left, fringe ending just above his eyebrow and the sides curling upwards. He is Caucasian, with a somewhat tanned and sunburned complexion. He has grey-blue almond-shaped eyes, with a slight squint. His nose is somewhat small, curved upwards, dotted with a light brush of freckles. His eyebrows are angular, a little on the trimmed side, and his right brow has two scars from a childhood incident causing a lack of hair in two small lines along the outer edge of the brow. His lips are thick, wide and heart-shaped. The upper lip is larger than the lower one. He doesn't smile openly much because even though the teeth on his upper jaw are straight, the teeth on his lower jaw are extremely crooked and overlapping. He has a slight overbite. He has a somewhat triangular facial build, with high protruding cheekbones, and a medium length jawline, with a pointed chin. He grows a small amount of facial hair in the form of sideburns, a goatee and neck dusting that he frequently shaves. When he doesn't shave, it comes in patchy and undefined. He has rather clear skin with no acne.

He has a high-pitched voice and a speech impediment that makes him unable to say his Th's properly, so he speaks with a faux-Jersey accent to compensate. His facial build and hairstyle gives him a moderate resemblance to a younger David Bowie.

His outfits change based on the seasons, but all have the same biker aesthetic. In the summer, he tends to wear darker colored Harley Davidson brand button up short sleeve shirts, open over brightly colored tank-tops or designer T-shirts. He typically wears loose-fitting blue or grey jeans, pre-faded, occasionally worn and cut around the knees with a leather two-prong belt holding them up. His shoes switch between brightly colored purple, green, and teal Jordans, or some worn grey, brown, and purple skate shoes if he doesn't want to get his Jordans dirty. In the winter, he trades his Harley Davidson shirts with his iconic leather bikers jacket, which has a patch on the back with a playing card spade, and a skeleton in a biker get-up tipping a top hat inside of said spade. Underneath his jacket he tends to wear plain white T-shirts, and for pants grey chinos with the legs slightly rolled up, giving him a greaser look. Outside of school he's seen wearing a wallet chain. On the day of abduction, he was wearing his biker jacket, with a light grey under-armor muscle T-shirt with indigo shoulders and sleeves underneath. He wore his grey jeans with holes torn at the knees with smaller worn holes around the thighs, his wallet and chain, a leather double pronged belt, and his gaudy neon Jordans.

Biography: Michael Crowe was born in November 10, 1996 to Mary and Joel Crowe at Cincinatti, Ohio. Joel Crowe was a Vietnam Air Force veteran, currently working as a truck driver for British Petroleum, his wife, Mary Crowe, was a bus driver, however since the move to Arizona, is no longer. Michael was born as an only child, but has a half-sister living in Ohio, and a half-brother who lives in Texas. Michael's dad was in his late fifties while his mother was in her late thirties by the time he was born. Michael was a happy infant, living a peaceful and healthy lifestyle, thanks to his family being well-off financially, however he caused a bit of trouble at the daycare he was at taking toys or food from the other kids nearby. He was frequently sent home early for his behavior. Around four years old, it was time for him to go to school, but his father's truck driving job ended up taking them to Kingston, Tennessee.

During his elementary school years, his dad retired, joining the Kerbela Shrine. They were able to live a good lifestyle, despite having a small home with a modest lifestyle. Michael made friends easily, inviting people over to his house commonly to play video games with him. Every weekend he would watch "The Sopranos" with his family, and on occasional nights, watch horror movies from the Sy-Fy channel. Michael's parents were worried at first about introducing him to violent movies, shows and games, but seeing as he was happy with it, as he had a good grasp in reality for his age, allowed him to watch it. Occasionally he'll get caught in class talking about some of the scenes. Teachers frequenly called home worried about his behavior while his parents just considered it being a kid, as he never shown any worrisome signs. His parents decided to limit him to only watching his shows and movies on the weekends, which after a while due to multiple re-runs, got Michael uninterested in it. Kingston Elementary started as an alright place, but once he made it to second grade, things took a downturn. While Michael made friends easily, he also made enemies just as quickly. His speech impediment grated on some of his peers, as well as the fact that he got into arguments often. Eventually peer pressure stepped in, and more people were upset with Michael, normally using his speech impediment to bother him. Because of this, Michael become more aggressive and started to become a bully himself, which caused him to get into trouble often, and a good amount of his friends left him.

Middle school is when another turning point in Kingston happened. Around the time kids were talking about more mature subjects, Michael had the rotten luck of mentioning why he'd rather not be with a girl, and that he'd prefer a boy. By everyone's reactions he realized his speech impediment would be the least of his worries. The dreaded "Faggot" became his new nickname and the bullying got significantly worse. Michael didn't understand why. Michael didn't see why was it a problem. Eventually the bullying got worse, and the one time Michael lashed out, against a group of three in the hallway, they turned around and beat him. All involved were sent to an in school suspension program. When he came back, Michael expected it to stop because he fought back; it didn't. Michael started becoming antisocial, rarely leaving the house except to go to school, as his bullying progressed. His father decided to try and teach him how to better defend himself.

His dad took him to Tae Kwon Do classes, and signed him up for the wrestling team. Wrestling didn't interest Michael much, so he stopped a little after a few months. However, he continued with Tae Kwon Do until he was a blue belt. His father also taught him a few techniques that he learned as well, including various grapples.

Eventually on a school bus ride home, Michael got into yet another fight. He started off fine, but was caught in a corner, and his skills wouldn't help him there. Again Michael was angry and waited until the student turned his back and tried choking him out instead. That worked. This time, Michael was suspended, and banned from using the school buses. His parents punished him for trying to prolong the fight, while they were glad he tried to defend himself, they got onto him for getting himself into more trouble by running back into the fight afterwords, and made him promise that he wouldn't do it again. Michael got into less fights, and while people still picked on him, Michael decided to ignore it, doing his best to stay out of trouble. On a walk home after school, Michael was jumped by the student he choked's older brother. Michael lost. After a hospital check and a contusion later, his parents decided the best course of action was to move.

Around Summer break, Michael made it to Kingman, Arizona. Michael saw a new opportunity, so he decided to have a makeover. He cut his hair and spent some time on his voice. His speech impediment was a problem he needed to fix it somehow. An idea came up from all the various mobster movies he's watched. They pronounce words around the same way as him so all he'd have to do was emulate their accents and say he's from Jersey, easy enough. Michael wanted to detach himself as much as possible from Tennessee, and he went out of his way to make it seem like Kingston never existed, as a way to cope. So a haircut, new voice that hides his impediment well, no mentioning of liking boys, and he had got a fresh start.He had trouble getting to know people, and not many people spoke with him, so he decided to enhance himself more in the eyes of his peers.He made up a story about coming from New Jersey, talking about how great it looked, his non-existent friends ect. His story worked, and even until today, people think Mike's a Jersey boy. He eventually made his group of friends, and of course his group of enemies. People picked on Michael for various reasons, either being the new kid, or just simply being obnoxious, and Michael retaliated, fighting back whenever possible. After a while, Michael became a bully himself from it. Anyone he managed to beat, he'd hold it above their head to terrorize them himself. His reasoning was various based on the person. Maybe he saw three kids picking on that person, and joined in in the rationalization he'd make three friends instead of one, maybe the person picked on him, but were weaker than him, or maybe, he just outright didn't like the victim.

At this point, Michael became desensitized to bullying, simply considering it a part of everyday life, both in receiving it and giving it. It was common for him to fight back against his bullies, even if he knew he would lose, or for the people he picked on to challenge him. It was rather common for Michael to walk home covered in bruises from a bathroom fight right after school. While his parents were concerned, Michael told them not to worry due to the fact he can actually fight back now, and that he's still in a higher step up compared to Tennessee. He was legitimately happy in Arizona, the playing field was fair in his eyes.It wasn't him versus the world. While his parents were Ok with him fighting, they told him not to constantly get sent home, because while he's at school, he should keep that first of his priorities. Michael was sent home once for getting caught fighting. After getting grounded by his parents again, he promised he would tone it down. Now the few fights he has are private fights after school with the trust of the two individuals not to snitch. Because of these "private" fights, he would rarely get caught, however, there were two exceptions, both ending in a week's suspension.

Michael's grades weren't special, being mostly B's and C's with the occasional D in math, but his parents always pushed him to do better, now that he's stopped fighting as much. His grades improved, a few A's were dotted in a majority of B's, however, there were still a few C's, and his math continued to fluctuate between a D or a C, but he was working on it.

He pays attention, and learns, but eventually some old romantic thoughts from the back of his head came back about men. They were small, but Michael noticed them. They were short and Michael held them back, but eventually he couldn't do so anymore. As he went on the thoughts in the back of his head rationalized, and eventually the secret he was hiding all his life would have to come out. He was gay, and while he was afraid at first, he slowly came to terms with it. It was a gradual process, he denied it to himself, before getting angry and thinking something was wrong, before slowly coping with it. When he finally came to terms with it, he just realized he had no choice in the matter and took no blame in it. He didn't drop his religion or his beliefs, and in the end he never saw it as a change, he had been the same as he always was. This realization helped him, combined with him leaving behind Kingston, that what was done was done, and there was no point in dwelling on it. Eventually he came out to his friends and anyone that would listen, but continues today to hide it from his parents due to their more conservative beliefs. It came as a surprise to the majority, but eventually it just became Michael. Despite his current hardships, and the hardships he faced as a child, he'd decide to move forward, the past was over, done and nothing could be done.

Michael's father was a motorcycle Aficionado and eventually it would grow on Michael. Michael took a ride on his father's bike numerous times, learning how to use it, and eventually his dad took him to a driving class to get his license. On his sixteenth birthday Michael got his new bike in celebration of getting his license, the 2013 Harley XL883 Sportster, bright orange. A perfect starter bike. Eventually he got into the biker lifestyle, and taken his outfit from a combination of the 80's films he's watched, along with biker clothing. Michael is seen riding everywhere with his motorcycle, usually parked on the edge of the school parking lot for easy entrance and exit.

Michael's typically happy-go-lucky, with a slight amount of a fatalist view on things; whatever happens will happen. Michael has since grown up somewhat from his bullying phase, in that while he still picks on people, he's gone out of his way to tone it down, and on occasion, try to atone for it. While open about his sexuality, he doesn't mention it often, unless someone asks him about it. He likes to tell people about his tall tales from his non-existent stay in Jersey, and at times, almost believes the stories himself. He also frequently makes jokes about various subjects, however he has a dark sense of humor, and a majority of his jokes are seen as rather offensive. He's again tried to compensate by warning people ahead of time, but sometimes it still doesn't work. Because of this, his peers opinions of him vary and there's not much of a neutral ground for Michael, people either think he's cool beans or despise him passionately. While he doesn't talk much openly or try to initiate conversations, once you get him talking he'll keep speaking until the end of time, another trait people may think annoying of him.

He dislikes when people consider him weak for his sexuality, or when people claim he's lying; he also has a distaste for people using him. If he thinks somebody is trying to get close just to use him for something, he'll detach and avoid that person like the plague, or pick on them relentlessly. People he dislikes tend to be the victim for some of his less than savory jokes, and at times he's downright spiteful. He likes his friends more than anything, keeping close ones around the level of his family, whom he also cares for a lot, despite being somewhat detached from them when coming home from school due to somewhat different political views and opinions. It's not uncommon for him to take his closest friends out on trips to Universal Studios in Los Angeles for a couple of days, especially when Halloween Horror Nights is active, or for a day at the beach. Usually he takes his mom's Impala, but on occasion he'll be taking his dad's truck when there are too many people, despite the uncomfortable ride for the people who drew the short straws and took the truck bed. His middle-class background, forged from his father's retirement and pension plans, has a good hand in why he's able to spend so much for his friends. He still visits his out-of-state family frequently as well, going back to Ohio to see his aunts, uncles, and grandmother, or going to Texas to see his half-brother. They used to have family reunions, but after they moved from Kingston it stopped.

He was always brought up to care for and respect your family, and it shows. While having trouble with paying attention to other people's authority, Michael immediately gives when it comes to his parents. He trusts his family and tells them mostly everything, however due to their more conservative beliefs, he still keeps his sexuality hidden. Despite that, Michael's relationship with his family is a good one. It's frequent for them to go on various outings throughout the month. Michael's family didn't like him getting into fights at Cochise, worried he might get himself hurt or kicked out of school. They never really cracked down on him however, due to the fact his father just considered it a thing kids do. However during a fight in Junior year, where a teacher saw the crowd outside the bathroom door and decided to investigate, Michael and his opponent got suspended for over a week. Because of this, his parents decided enough was enough and made sure he would cut it out. He obliged. His father always taught him to work hard, and is constantly on him for his grade. His father worked until he was in his early 60's to make sure his family had all the retirement funds and pensions they needed to live off of.

He still has a fond love for video games as they have been an escape when he needs them most, and it's not uncommon for him to drive straight home from school and play some GTA 5 on his custom gaming rig, as it is for him to go home a watch a good horror movie or two, seeing as sopranos ended around 2007. He's recently gotten back into horror films around the 9th grade, watching many old-fashioned slasher films, and finds the good blood and guts masked maniacs a good alternative to the old mafia shows of the late 90's early 2000s, and of course, better than the modern paranormal themed movies that Michael dislikes heavily. Michael also gained a fond love of the 1980's during his middle school years, mainly due to the music and movies he's watched, which he incorporates into his clothing choice. At school he's rather moderate with decent grades in everything except math, which was always his weakest point. Michael's favorite class is a tie between history, PE, as he likes hearing about some of the people who made their way to the top and idolizes Julius Caesar, PE because it keeps him active and gives him something to do even if his hair ends up ruined by the end of the day. He plans on joining the military once he leaves high school, then after that plans on going into law enforcement, maybe even joining highway patrol. Among his peers, he's known as a bit of a joker and a movie expert, along with an amazing impersonator of actors from mafia movies, his Joe Pesci Goodfellas impersonation is top-notch apparently.

Advantages: Due to his rough childhood and Tae Kwon Do training, Michael has decent fighting skill and is capable of defending himself when needed.He's able to keep his cool even in stressful situations. He's a habitual liar, spending his entire life making up a completely different life than the one he actually had, rarely contradicting himself, and his frequent on the spot stories help him for on the spot lies no problem.
Disadvantages: He overestimates his abilities, frequently biting off more than he can chew and getting himself into situations he wasn't prepared for. Despite being capable of holding his temper, he's still prone to outbursts. While rare, when he does lose his cool he explodes, leading him to make rash and not-so-bright decisions. Being considered weak, or people looking down on him because of his sexuality tends to set him off the fastest. He's also a mixed bag to his peers. While he's got a good group of friends and acquaintances, his bullying and joking tendencies have gotten on the bad side of others. His mouth also gets him into trouble he can't get himself out of. His reputation as a bully rubs people the wrong way and it could be hard for people to trust him.
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Namira
Mr. Danya
Joined: 12:31 PM - May 28, 2007

3:25 PM - Jul 10, 2015 #2

Hi Toxie. Before Michael is critiqued in full, can you make sure that the profile adheres to the template? Specifically there's a paragraph break between advantages and disadvantages that should be removed. Sorry that this wasn't picked up upon sooner, it's really just a minor bookkeeping thing that cuts down on more work later.

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Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

9:51 PM - Jul 10, 2015 #3

Alright, fixed up I think.
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Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: 2:07 AM - Jun 10, 2010

7:33 AM - Jul 28, 2015 #4

Welcome, welcome. I am Ruggahissy, I am your moderator for this profile. Apologies for the lateness here. Now before we start I've already read through the whole profile and written this critique so this first section is going to be stuff that I notice are issues that come up a lot during the profile.


Run on sentences: Try reading the profile aloud. If you can't read the sentence in one breath, it's too long. Also if a sentence has a comma between two independent clauses which could be sentences on their own, use a ; and not a , .

Tonal issues: These profiles are written from the point of view of an impartial, bored terrorist who doesn't care particularly about your child or the things that happen to him. The profile should have the formality of office paper work. Don't put in anything you wouldn't put in for a school essay.

On to the thing.


Appearance:

"He is moderate built muscularly,"

I think I know what you're saying here, but it's a little confusing. Is there are simpler way to say this?

"up Short sleeve"

"Short" does not need to be capitalized.

"Harley Davidson Shirts"

No need to capitalize "shirts" here.

"with his iconic leather bikers jacket, a patch on the back with a playing card spade, and a skeleton in a biker getup tipping a top hat inside of said spade."

Again, I know what you mean, but I think adding "with" before "a patch" will help readers so we know right away there's a patch on the jacket.

Otherwise: great job. Description can be rough, but I feel like I could make a police sketch from this one. Onwards.


Biography:

"Michael Crowe was born in November tenth, nineteen ninety six, "

It would help again for the ease of readers to put these into numerals.

"Cincinatti Ohio"

Comma before "Ohio."

"Joel Crowe was a 'Nam Air Force veteran, currently working as a Truck Driver for BP"

The terrorists are somewhat formal and the ones writing up these profiles. For formality, let's change "'Nam" to "Vietnam" and "BP" to British Petroleum, at least on the first reference. Also "truck driver" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Mary Crowe, was a bus driver"

If she's still a bus driver this would be "Mary Crowe, a bus driver" rather than "was."

"half sister"

Should be "half-sister." Same for "half-brother" later in the same sentence.

"Michael's Dad"

Dad doesn't need to be capitalized.

"also being well off financially"

This is a bit weird considering we're talking about a baby. Might be more accurate to say the family is well-off financially. Also "well-off" needs a hyphen.

"Kingston Tennesee"

Comma between Kingston and Tennessee. Also "Tennessee" is spelled wrong.

- "Kerbella Shrine" is spelled wrong. Should be "Kerbela Shrine"

"Michael made friends, had people visit to play videogames with him, did alright socialization wise"

Socialization-wise would need a hyphen, but that's not really fitting with the tone anyway. Probably better to say that Michael makes friends easily, has friends over to play video games and socializes well.

Also: video games is two words.

"The Sopranos with his family, and on occasional nights, watch horror flicks "

"The Sopranos" should be in quotations and "horror flicks" is a bit casual. Probably should go with "horror movies" instead.

"Sci-Fi channel."

So, if you're just talking about science fiction in general, sci-fi is fine, but not capitalized. If we're talking about the channel on TV, they changed the name of the channel a few years ago and now it's the "Syfy channel." Stupid spelling, but if he's watching that channel, that's what it was renamed as in 2009 so that's what it would be.

"and well versed in reality for his age"

The wording here is a bit strange. Well-veresed would indicate someone has a lot of knowledge on a topic or a skill. I think this would be better worded as having a solid grasp of reality vs. fiction. Also not that it matters since I'm asking for it to be removed but well-versed has a hyphen.

"allowed him to watch it.Occasionally"

Need a space between the period and the start of the next sentence.

".Occasionally he'll get caught in class talking about some of the scenes, and teachers would frequently call his parents up worried, while his parents just considered it being a kid, they limited him to only watching them on the weekends, which after a while due to multiple re-runs, got Michael uninterested in it."

Holy sentence, Batman. This is a long one and could do with some breaking up into smaller sentences. That aside, "reruns" does not need a hyphen.

" Kingston Elementary was an alright place, except for his second and fourth grade teachers, who made his life hell. On top of that, kids would make fun of Michael due to his speech impediment, and while it didn't get to him at first he quickly went back into his bullying phase, pushing away the few friends he had."

Here we have a few more instances of informal tone. Things like "an alright place" and "made his life hell." Were kids not making fun of his speech impediment before? Did his parents consider speech therapy? Where does the impediment come from? Also I feel like this is the first time we've heard about him being a bully. Last I remember he was just not very good at sharing. How does he bully kids and does he ever get into trouble? What do his parents think of this? How does this affect his invitations to kids to come over to his house and play video games?

"Middle school is when it got rough"

Too informal.

"Around the time kids were talking about more mature subjects and puberty began hitting, where half of the kids were horny as all hell and the other half tried to act like they were, kids were talking about which girl they'd like to make out with or bang,"

Too informal.

- I just realized this now: Michael was born in Ohio, but in elementary school he's in Kingman. When did they move and why? I just noticed that your kid's family moved to Kinston, Tennessee.

" Michael had the rotten luck of mentioning why it'd have to be a girl in a conservative southern town. Immediately, by everyone's reactions he realized his speech impediment would be the least of his worries."

So Tennessee is fairly conservative and also a Southern state, so it seems pretty strange that anyone would make fun of him for wanting a conservative Southern girl.

Additionally: if he's been going to school in Kingston since elementary school these are people who have known him and know about his speech impediment for years. Why would it start being an issue now? If it is an issue, it would be something he's been made fun of for years and years.

"Michael didn't understand why, he's seen adults do that sort of thing, it didn't matter to him much, he was confused. "

I'm a bit confused here. What is it that he's seen adults do?

"Why was it a problem? Guys loving each other should be better off anyways, they'd understand each other better. "

Too informal. No questions within the profile. If you're giving us insight into the character's thoughts then they should be labeled as such. Like "Michael thought..." ect.

"Him and his friends turned around "

This should be "He and his friends"

" Three on one never ended well. "

Too informal. Should be removed, but even if it stayed "three" does not need to be capitalized and "three-on-one" needs hyphens.

"He didn't tell his parents what he said for people to call him a faggot, and acted as though it was just random spite. It grated on him like a meat grinder, and it began taking it's toll on his self worth. "

- It really does appear to be random spite since he's not done anything to indicate he's gay. He has the lisp, but it's not mentioned as the reason that the other kids assumed he was gay. Might be interesting if that were the case and that makes the most sense. Meat grinders don't grate and the metaphor is too colorful for the drab tone, so go ahead and remove it. Lastly, "self-worth" needs a hyphen.

The paragraph starting with "Middle school" is massive. Try breaking it up into smaller paragraphs for easier reading.

"The bullying continued, and Michael stopped leaving the house, did nothing but played videogames, as it was the only escape he had besides watching the sopranos, the unhealthy effects got to him, he gained weight, and his hair grew out, to around mid-back level."

So the school hasn't done anything? His parents haven't done anything? Any reason why? Also, he needs to leave the house to go to school. Again, "video games" is two words, "The Sopranos" need quotes and to be capitalized and the sentence could use to be broken up into at least two sentences.

"His dad took him to Tae Kwon Do classes, as well as signing him up for the wrestling team."

Should be "and signed him up" since this is in the past.

"One day on the ride home from school, one kid kept pestering Michael, up until the part he hit him, Michael waited until the kid turned to leave, before wrapping his elbow and arm around the kid's neck, and nearly choking him out."

This doesn't sound right since martial arts puts a heavy emphasis on only using enough force to safely leave a situation. Also I was only ever a yellow belt in taekwondo, but a choke hold doesn't seem like something from this particular martial art since it's predominantly kick-based. Will check with our resident MMA staffer on this though.

- Also I assumed for some reason this was happening while Michael was riding a bike home. i didn't know until a few sentences later this had happened on a bus. Where the heck is the bus driver in all this? These kids should be in huge trouble, Michael especially.

" Michael was satisfied that day, certain nothing could stop him, he was invincible. Then came the very next day, the kid's older brother paid Michael a visit on the bus. Michael was only in the sixth grade, the kid's brother, the ninth. After various threats of killing Michael's pets to sexually assaulting his mom, Michael tried to stab at the ninth grader with a pencil. Michael was knocked senseless, given a contusion, half-golf ball sized bruises on his forehead and face, as well as two large cuts on his brow, humbling him. Michael was taken to the hospital right after coming home to take a CAT scan, and luckily he had no brain damage. Michael's parents went to press charges against the school, but due to the bus tape getting mysteriously deleted, they had to cancel it. At this point they decided to move, goodbye Kingston and good riddance."

Way too much detail. I don't care about most of this. This can be summed up with "The next day the boy's brother threatened Michael on the bus. He tried to stab him with a pencil, a scuffle ensued and Michael was badly injured."

Michael's parents should be considering suing the school and pressing charges against the boy. School busses don't typically have video tapes and there should have been roughly 30 witnesses to the event anyway since it's a bus full of kids. I'll check on all this stuff too with our resident staff school teacher.

"goodbye Kingston and good riddance."

Informal, remove.

"Around Summer break, Michael made it to Kingman Arizona."

Summer doesn't need to be capitalized. You need a comma between Kingman and Arizona. Also, why Kingman? Seems random. It's not close to his old town, not even in the same state.

"hillbilly hellhole known as Kingston Tennessee."

Informal. Also need a comma between Kingston and Tennessee.

"no mentioning of liking boys"

When had he ever mentioned that before? Is he actually gay?

" he's got a fresh start.He"

He "had" a fresh start; this is in the past. Also need a spar between the period and "He."

" peers.He "

Space after period before new sentence.

"making talk about how great it looked,"

Making talk?

"and even till today, people think Mike's a Jersey boy."

Should be "even until today people think..."

"People tried bullying Michael, and Michael retaliated, fighting back whenever possible. Eventually the fighting dragged Michael to become a bully himself "

Why are they bullying him? Has he learned nothing from the past times he's fought back? If he is being bullied why does he become a bully and who does he pick on?

"As school dragged on, Michael found himself and his friends, doing his best to treat them as well as possible, while going out of his way to make his enemies' lives a living hell."

We actually just heard this information. In the previous paragraph is said he'd made friends and enemies, so this is just redundant.

"giving it however he wouldn't take shit lying down."

No swearing in the profile. The terrorists don't care enough to be that invested.

"It this point, Michael became desensitized to bullying, simply considering it a part of everyday life, both in receiving it and giving it however he wouldn't take shit lying down. It was rather common for Michael to walk home covered in bruises from a bathroom fight right after school."

His parents aren't concerned about this? It seem like he moved all the way to Arizona, but not much has changed.

"His mind was always full of thoughts, and as he came together and learned more about himself, a few thoughts in the back of his head came back. They were short and Michael held them back, but eventually he couldn't do so anymore. As he went on the thoughts in the back of his head rationalized, and eventually the secret he was hiding all his life would have to come out. Despite his attempts of holding it in the back of his head, Michael knew it. He was gay, and while he was afraid at first, he slowly came to terms with it. Eventually he came out to his friends and anyone that would listen, but continues today to hide it from his parents due to their more conservative beliefs. It came as a surprise to the majority, but eventually it just became Michael. Despite his current hardships, and the hardships he faced as a child, he'd decide to move forward, the past was over, done and nothing could be done."

This is another area of a lot of words that can be parred down to be more succinct (this is my journalism background peeking in). Basically this is a long paragraph that says he thought about it long and hard, analyzed his emotions and came to the conclusion that he was in fact, gay.

It seems like he's accepting of this very very quickly even though it's been a source of pain, shame and conflict for most of his life. What made him realize this? How long did it take for him to come out to people? Did this make a difference in his bullying? How do his parents feel?

"it would grow on Michael. "

Past tense. It grew on Michael.

- There should only be one space between the motorcycle paragraph and the one starting with "Michael is typically happy go lucky."

- Speaking of: "happy-go-lucky" needs hyphens. Also this paragraph is another monster that could stand to be broken up into two smaller paragraphs.

"Michael's typically happy go lucky, with a slight amount of a fatalist view on things, whatever happens will happen. "

Replace the comma after "things" with a semi-colon. Any time you join two independent clauses that can stand on their own, use a semi-colon. It happens quite a bit in the bio.

" Non-existent "

Nonexistent doesn't need to be capitalized and can be made into one word, "nonexistent."

" and a lot of his jokes either come off as way too soon, or way too racist. "

This is odd phrasing. I think what you're saying is that he makes offensive and politically incorrect jokes. Has this ever gotten him into trouble before now?

"claim he's bullshitting, he also has a distaste for people using him."

No swearing, needs a semi-colon.

" on the chopping block"

Informal.

"t's not uncommon for him to take his closest friends out on trips to Universals in LA for a couple of days or for a day at the beach,"

Universals should be Universal Studios. Also, why Universal Studios specifically? There are a lot of places to go in LA (holler, I happen to be raised in LA)

" but on occasion taking his dad's truck when there's too many people"

"There's" is a contraction for "There is." So this would be "when there is too many people." Should be "there are."

"than the crappy dime a dozen ghost movies paranormal what sits"

Informal


ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES

Advantages:

"His ability to ride a motorcycle is moderate and gives him good reflexes on the road. "

Not a helpful advantage since there won't be any driving or roads or motorcycles to worry about.

"He's a good con-artist at times, spending his entire life making up a completely different life than the one he actually had"

Con artist feels like a bit of an overstatement. I'd probably just say he's a habitual liar, and lying is indeed an advantage.

Disadvantages:

"His fighting skills aren't up to par as many of the other students however."

Most of the other kids have no training in fighting. He's already got that on them.

"and while he can easily take a few people one on one, he can also be easily be outmaneuvered and taken down."

I don't think most of the students could take more than one person, if that.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This is the first round of edits. This one was mostly trying to clean up a lot of the grammar and style and the next round will go a little more into the character. It's not a bad base though and you clearly have an understanding of the kind of character that goes into the game.

Post when the edits are made and we'll have another look!
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] Spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] Spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
Like
Share

Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

6:03 PM - Jul 28, 2015 #5

Alright I think I got it. Thanks for the critique by the way.
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Share

Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: 2:07 AM - Jun 10, 2010

6:25 PM - Aug 09, 2015 #6

A million apologies, I was out for a week with a bit of an emergency. Promise one day turn-arounds from now on so we can bang this one out. Thanks for your patience ^_^;

" but has a bit of pudge around his midsection."

I know what you mean, but "pudge" isn't actually a word.

"He has grey-blue almond shaped eyes"

Should be almond-shaped

"and heart shaped"

heart-shaped

"in a biker getup tipping"

get-up

Bio

Rugga from the past~

"Cincinatti Ohio"

Comma before "Ohio."

~

Comma between cities and states. Cincinnati, Ohio.


Rugga from the past~

Joel Crowe was a 'Nam Air Force veteran, currently working as a Truck Driver for BP"

Also "truck driver" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Mary Crowe, was a bus driver"

If she's still a bus driver this would be "Mary Crowe, a bus driver" rather than "was." ~

Question that me-from-last-week asked is still in effect. Is she a bus driver still?

Rugga from the past~

"also being well off financially"

Also "well-off" needs a hyphen. ~

"father's truck driving job ended up taking him to Kingston, Tennessee."

Probably would be more accurate to say "taking them" since presumably the whole family moved.

"They were able to live a good lifestyle, despite having a small home, they had enough to buy what they wanted or needed, and never really needed to worry."

This is one of those run-ons. This would read much better if you put a period after "home." "They were able to live a good lifestyle despite having a small home. They had enough to buy what they wanted or needed and never really needed to worry."


"but seeing as he was happy with it, as he had a good grasp in reality for his age,"

I think something got botched here in the edit.

"scenes.Teachers frequenly called home worried about his behavior while his parents just considered it being a kid."

Space between the period and "Teachers." Also I'd like a little more elaboration on what the parents thought here, something about his good handle on reality and why they consider it ok for children to watch violent programming.


"but once he made it to second grade, things taken a downturn. "

I think you wanted "things took a downturn."

"While Michael made friends easily, he also made enemies just as quick, his speech impediment grated on some of his peers, as well as the fact that he got into arguments often."

Another very long sentence. Put down a period after "quick." It'll read "While Michael made friends easily, he also made enemies just as quickly. His speech impediment grated on some of his peers, as well as the fact that he got into arguments often."

"Eventually peer pressure steps in,"

Should be in the past tense: "stepped in"

"ore people were against Michael, normally using his speech impediment to get to him. Because of this, Michael become more aggressive and started to become a bully himself, which caused him to get into trouble often, and a good amount of his friends left him as well."

^ Great. I have a reason why kids are picking on him (his speech problems), the way it affected him and it explains why he's a bully and why he's not well liked. This is a good section, narratively speaking.


"Around the time kids were talking about more mature subjects When students were talking about their dreams and dates, Michael had the rotten luck of mentioning why he'd have to be with a girl, and not a boy in a conservative southern town. Immediately, by everyone's reactions he realized his speech impediment would be the least of his worries. The dreaded "Faggot" became his new nickname and the bullying got significantly worse. Michael didn't understand why, he's seen adults do that sort of thing, it didn't matter to him much, he was confused.Michael didn't see why was it a problem. In his mind guys loving each other should be better off anyways, they'd understand each other better."

This section has a lot of grammar and narrative issues. He says he wants a GIRL so why are his classmates calling him gay?

Also what is it that he's seen adults do?


"upon walking out at the end of class, Michael repeatedly kicked the kid in the back of his leg. He and his friends turned around and made short work of Michael."

Are they still at school for this? If so, teachers are going to come break this up fast.

" it wasn't something you can just treat as normal."

No second person in profiles. So no "you"

"He didn't tell his parents what he said for people to call him a faggot, and acted as though it was just random spite."

Again, his great sin was telling people he wanted to date a girl.

"began taking it's toll "

Should be "its." It's is the contraction for "it is"

"did nothing but played videogames"

Video games is two words.

"The unhealthy effects got to him, he gained weight, and his hair grew out, and it was safe to say he wasn't doing to well."

Unhealthy effects of what? Also the last bit is a bit informal. We can draw from the information that he's doing poorly.

"The school tried at times to help Michael, but it was only a half-hearted effort, and in the end accomplished nothing."

How did the school try to help and why didn't it work?

"His parents did what they could to help him, but they couldn't get to him."

How did the parents try to help and why didn't work? It seemed like self-defense classes helped a bit, which were his father's doing.

"However, he stood with Tae Kwon Do"

Stood doesn't seem like the right word here.

"One day on the bus ride home from school, one kid kept pestering Michael, up until the part he hit him, Michael fought back until the kid turned to leave, before wrapping his elbow and arm around the kid's neck and nearly choking him out. The kid avoided Michael for the rest of the ride home, not even looking at him. Michael was satisfied that day, certain nothing could stop him, he was invincible. Then came the very next day, the kid's older brother paid Michael a visit on the bus. A fight ensued involving Michael trying to stab the older brother with a pencil, before getting badly injured. Michael's parents tried to press charges, but were worried that about the financial challenge that would happen if they did. They instead opted to move out from Kingston, Tennessee to Kingman, Arizona."

I got an answer on this from both the MMA expert on staff and the high school teacher on staff which were as follows:

Re Taekwondo: "That's not right for taekwondo and he also wouldn't have been able to choke him from behind like that. Which is besides the point because martial arts teach leaving the situation and this sounds like he was jumping the kid from behind.

Re school things from our teacher: "Why is this sixth grader on a bus with a high school student? There's a reason kids are kept separate, because of things like this. Elementary kids ride with other elementary kids (or K-8 rides together if the school is K-8). Junior High rides with Junior High. High schoolers ride with high schoolers. These schools don't even start and end at the same times. Why are these kids on the bus together?

Having been in a fight at school and now in charge of breaking up fights at school, I know that the family could press assault and battery charges on the ninth grader for putting hands on their kid. I don't know that they have any "charges" they could have pressed against the school. They could try suing the school for medical fees, I guess? Depending on the amount, the school could pay to shut them up or the district might roll the dice and see how it pans out in court.

As for the tape, some districts have cameras on their buses. Some don't. It depends on the district. However, if there's a tape and it shows this kid doing something to this ninth grader and then the ninth grader responding, why would the district erase it as implied in that excerpt? It would actually do the district a favor to have it on tape since it would show that the district isn't liable for what happened to the kid, that the kid brought that on himself.

It would make way more sense (and solve our school difficulties) if this high schooler just jumped this sixth grader AFTER sixth grader got off the bus on his way home. Then there's no witnesses, it's a he-said, he-said, there's no mystery tape, and essentially the same thing happens in terms of history."


Thanks you two.


"They instead opted to move out from Kingston, Tennessee to Kingman, Arizona."

Is the dad retired? Did mom find a job in this new location? How did they come to the decision to move?

"Around Summer break, Michael made it to Kingman, Arizona. "

Can you give me a time frame for this? Like how old he is or what grade he's about to go into?

"So a haircut, new voice that hides his impediment well, no mentioning of liking boys, and he had got a fresh start.He had trouble getting to know people, and not many people spoke with him, so he decided to enhance himself more in the eyes of his peers.He made up a story"

Just establish someplace that he likes boys so that the readers understand it. I do get that he might be questioning his sexuality, but the mention of it previously in Tennessee is kind of confusing. Also, need a space between the period after "peers" and "He"

Rugga front he past~

"People tried bullying Michael, and Michael retaliated, fighting back whenever possible. Eventually the fighting dragged Michael to become a bully himself "

Why are they bullying him? Has he learned nothing from the past times he's fought back? If he is being bullied why does he become a bully and who does he pick on? ~


"While his parents were concerned, Michael told them not to worry due to the fact he can actually fight back now, and that he's still in a higher step up compared to Tennessee. He was legitimately happy in Arizona, the playing field was fair in his eyes. He was never jumped by groups any more, and his parents knew he was happy, so they allowed it. While his parents were Ok with him fighting, they told him not to constantly get sent home, because while he's at school, he should keep that first of his priorities. Michael's grades weren't special, being mostly B's and C's with the occasional D in math, but his parents always pushed him to do better, now that he'd gotten out of his stint. And on school, Michael was always full of thoughts."


His parents are ok with him fighting? I don't know anything about the parents so this seems really really weird. Why is he so happy if he's constantly fighting people? He jumped groups in the past?! That's really really bad and should land him at least in the police station in Tennessee. What stint has he gotten out of?


"He payed attention"

Should be "paid"

"He payed attention, and learned, but eventually some old thoughts from the back of his head came back, they were small, but Michael noticed them."

What does his learning have to do with being gay? If he was trying to use study to distract himself, you'd think his grades might be a bit better or that we'd have heard something about him studying a lot.

"motorcycle afficiando"

Should be "Aficionado"

"to get his liscense" and "getting his liscense"

These are misspelled and should be "license"

"Universals in LA"

Should still be "Universal Studios" and "Los Angeles"

"His upper middle-class background"

How exactly are they upper middle-class? His dad is a retired truck driver and his mom was a bus driver. These are blue collar, lower middle class jobs at best.

"He still visits his out of state"

Out-of-state

" watching many old fashioned slasher films"

Old-fashioned

"impersonation is top notch apparently."

top-notch



OK, big improvements here, especially with the tonal issues. We still have some grammar and spelling kinks to work out and some narrative things. Post when done!
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] Spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] Spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
Like
Share

Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

2:53 PM - Aug 13, 2015 #7

I think I got everything you asked, thanks for the critique!
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Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: 2:07 AM - Jun 10, 2010

4:21 AM - Sep 09, 2015 #8

Massive massive apologies again for the time. I've been busy with a new job, but the next edit will be coming by tomorrow and I'll include everything for changing so that hopefully you can get it on the next one and this can be done. I've been doing this somewhat in sections for fixing so that there aren't too many things to fix at once. Once again, total apologies, this was really awful of me.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] Spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] Spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
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Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

9:04 PM - Sep 09, 2015 #9

Nah man, it's cool, no need for apologies. IRL always comes first man.
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Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: 2:07 AM - Jun 10, 2010

6:42 AM - Sep 17, 2015 #10

" as he never shown any worry-some signs. "

should be worrisome

"Eventually peer pressure steps in,"

Should be stepped in. Past tense


Regarding the bus fight, how is out of school suspension different than regular suspension? Also it's a little confusing. I think what happened is he got on a fight on the bus, was losing, and then they both got off the bus and kept fighting. Is that right?

Now that a lot of the fiddly grammar and spelling stuff is out of the way there will be some thematic and content questions



- Why are his parents ok with him fighting in Arizona? Is he ever in trouble with the school for fighting?
- Did his parents ever try to get him therapy for the speech impediment before?
- How are they so well-off with such blue collar low income jobs?
- What is his general relationships with his parents?
- What's his mindset in bullying the Arizona kids? In Tennessee it was kind of a way to build a shell around himself from kids who he was pretty sure would hurt him one way or another. But he's new to Arizona. Also, how does it affect friendships in Arizona knowing that he's a bully?
- Does he have any goals for the future or what he'd like to do after high school?


AND THAT IS IT. Whoo boy, I am the worst staffer ever. Answer all those and I'll clear you for the game.

[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] Spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] Spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
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Joined: 10:56 PM - Jun 26, 2015

2:27 PM - Sep 28, 2015 #11

I think I got everything. At least I hope I did.
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Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: 2:07 AM - Jun 10, 2010

4:32 AM - Oct 16, 2015 #12

APPROVED
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] Spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] Spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
Like
Share