Maxwell C. Corletts

CorvusSolus
Cannon Fodder
CorvusSolus
Cannon Fodder
Joined: September 21st, 2015, 8:53 pm

September 24th, 2015, 7:58 pm #1

Name:Maxwell Cain Corletts
Gender:Male
Age:16
Grade:Junior
School:Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests:Physical Therapy, Krav Maga, Gymnastics, Art, and Engineering

.Appearance: Max is a scarecrow in the meaning of the term. He is tall, lanky, and somewhat unnerving at first glance. He stands at 6'5" and weighs only 112lbs. He is visibly bony, and has pale skin from Irish heritage. His torso and abdomen are thin, and extremities thinner. Max has very little visible muscle.

Max's head is a fun place to start. His hair is a brown rat's-nest that occupies the upper half of his face. He has milky blue-eyes, and a small dash freckles across his nose and cheeks. Among those freckles are a few scars to be explained later. An especially large one starts just above his left ear and traces down halfway to his jaw line. He has a very narrow face that gives the impression of a ferret or, more accurately, an otter.

Max's clothes are mainly some kind of polo and shorts. Sometimes visible on his left calf is a large scar that almost spirals around his shin. He favors shades of black, white, or grey, rather than actual colors. He detests yellow and red, and is certain to never be seen wearing it.

On the day of the "Field Trip of Death" he was wearing white khakis and a white polo with a blue trim.

Biography: Maxwell was born to Collin and Kil Corletts in Seattle Washington, and lived there until he was eight. Both of his parents were born in Ireland.
Until he turned six, Max's life had been uneventful. He had two siblings, an older sister Kaya, and younger brother Aedan. Kaya was two years older, but always had acted like she had a five year age difference. Aedan, was only a year younger.

In first grade, Max was victim to tragic car accident. He had major damage to his leg, and his brother had died. Kaya, had also suffered damage to her right arm, however it wasn't nearly as severe. The family was hit hard by the incident. Maxwell developed PTSD, and had to go through physical therapy. Because of Max's risk of panic attacks in or around cars, the family decided to leave the city and move to somewhere more suitable. They had picked Arizona for the small population density, and fairly flat land.

By the time Maxwell had turned fourteen, he had regained most usage in his left leg, and can go through a normal day with minor inconveniences. Today, Maxwell still has occasional issues, and continues with therapy. He partakes in rigorous exercise such as some gymnastics and martial arts. Even though Maxwell can push his body hard enough to do these, he can only last for short periods of time.
The first incident he had that persuaded him to start strengthening his body was when he nine. He had been playing in a small grove of trees while his family camped in a nearby national park. He had tripped over a root and found himself stuck between two trunks. Any other kid would have been able to sit up, turn their leg, and slide out. However, Maxwell's atrophied muscles in his leg couldn't properly move the way he needed to. What could of been a five second escape turned into a thirty minute struggle to pull himself from between the trees like a wet noodle because he didn't properly follow his physical therapy.

For the following four years, Maxwell struggled to catch up. Once he met the bare minimum standards, he still wanted more. He continued to take lessons in gymnastics that were originally meant to help regain full range of motion and flexibility. Soon he was able to perform things his doctors said he wouldn't ever be able to do. The stunts he practiced like somersaults, free climbing, and parallel bars were a miracle.

The second exercise he found to help himself was Krav Maga. He found Krav Maga while searching through exercises for movements he had trouble with. When he attempted to do a basic jab, Maxwell lost his balance and face-planted. After failing something as simple as extending an arm, turning your heel, and twisting his waist, he became determined to master the art. He couldn't to practice the technique and form in short periods of time.
He may of been able to memorize the form but Maxwell had extreme endurance issues. Maxwell could perform the move, but it was unlikely that he could last longer than twenty-minutes before he needed to stop.

Maxwell only sleeps for roughly four to five hours a night, and that's only from sheer exhaustion. Most of those hours are filled with nightmares and replays of the accident. He had constant fears of others being hurt the same way he and his family was.
He had dreams to become a Military Mechanic, because he wanted to make the vehicles as safe as possible. After doing many hours of research on the topic, he found that because of his injury he is ineligible. Because of his ineligibility to become a military mechanic as he planned, Maxwell instead works on car safety design in his spare time.

Maxwell first decided to work into engineering after seeing a short clip of a crash test with a 12mm difference in two welded joints. The car that had the proper full 42mm contact was survivable while the car with the defected 30mm contact was an absolute wreck. Seeing how a small overlooked mistake can lead to massive differences, Maxwell began studying mechanical engineering.

He's never done anything more than drawing a design, transferring it to CAD, and testing a simulation. While he mainly works on designing safer cars, Maxwell has taken other online classes such as architecture and civil engineering. Max plans to have those as a back up. While he is set on Automotive safety, he isn't sure how long he could last in the field. Max cannot stand being near or in a car going over fifty.

Advantages: Architectural Design (3.5/10) mechanical Engineering (4/10) Krav Maga (9/10) Gymnastics (6/10)
Disadvantages: PTSD (10/10) Insomnia (8/10) Endurance (6/10)
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

October 31st, 2015, 7:00 am #2

Hi there, Corvus. First off, I would like to say Welcome to SotF. Then I would like to say on behalf of the entire staff here at SotF that we're sorry for the delays in getting to this critique.

That said, Maxwell is currently Denied pending some edits, which I will quickly outline before we take another, closer (and quicker) look at Maxwell.


Please make sure you follow the template of the profile exactly. There should be spaces between the headers and their content (i.e. Gender:Male needs to become Gender: Male).

There are language embellishments in the profile, a little too many to count. We do appreciate colorful language in our writing but profiles are just about the one place where you shouldn't have a flourish. Take, for instance, describing Max as a scarecrow (just tell us that he's a tall and lanky boy).

On the note of being tall and skinny, 6'5" and 112 pounds isn't just lanky. It's a stick figure. It's severely underweight. It's downright emaciation. He should be in the hospital with that height and weight, and not any good at physical activities, particularly not martial arts and gymnastics (quite possibly THE most intense scholastic sport).

Physical therapy isn't really a hobby or interest. It's something he has to do to deal with his leg.

Can I ask why you settled on Krav Maga instead of a martial art that's more commonly taught in the United States? There are some critical misunderstandings with how Krav Maga seems to work as well. It's not something you're supposed to be able to do for 20 minutes. It's a martial art that, in its proper form, is designed to literally kill or incapacitate and THEN escape a dangerous situation (and in fact it's this proclivity to kill that may be the reason behind Krav Maga's frequent appearances in profiles). Not only is it unfeasible and unreasonable for Maxwell to learn this even in healthy condition, but he's clearly NOT in a healthy condition to start with. He should be doing yoga for muscle rehabilitation, not intensive physical activities that could cripple him even further.

Please don't include stats in advantages and disadvantages. This is not a tabletop RPG. Also these two sections should be in complete sentences. Please read approved profiles to see what we ask of our writers.

When you've completed all those edits, we'll continue on. I just want to see that you're willing to work with me this far.
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