Laura Nyquist

Laurels
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 4th, 2011, 4:36 pm

January 27th, 2012, 2:05 pm #1

Name: Laura Nyquist
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Fashion Design, Sketching, Fashion Club, Gossip, Social Networking

Appearance: Laura is often considered very pretty, and she will show it off. She stands at 5'4”, although her habit of wearing high heels tends to give her a few extra inches. Her body used to be much skinnier, but she has yet to lose the baby weight, so she weighs at 139 pounds with a few stretch marks still visible on her lower chest and hips. Her breasts are C-cups with a few stretch marks, and her legs and arms are very slim and long.

Laura's dark brown hair is very flat and tends to be kept in a ponytail. Her hair normally reaches her elbows, although her ponytail pulls it up a few inches. Laura also tends to ruffle the bangs on the right side of her face so they stand out while the rest of her hair is tied back.

Laura has a heart shaped face, with large blue eyes and a small but sharp nose. Laura tends to wear a bit of makeup, although she tries to be sophisticated with the amount she wears. This usually means a decent amount of mascara and eyeliner and a simple red lipstick.

Laura's clothing tends to be very fashionable and in style. She likes to wear shirts with low collars that expose a bit of cleavage and short skirts to lengthen her legs. Most of the time, Laura's style tends to be very preppy, wearing sweaters with argile designs, plaid skirts, and stockings. This is mostly because her parents want her to look classy in school. Outside of school and on weekends, Laura's clothing is a little more revealing and fashionable. She almost always wears high heels, although she had to switch to sneakers when she was pregnant. She has pierced ears and will wear lots of jewelry and other accessories, whatever is currently trending.

Biography: When Jerome Nyquist, the CEO of a national furniture store chain founded by his grandfather, married Lucille Bonadies, a socialite, neither of them were too excited about the idea of having children. They agreed to have a child to look better in public and be able to brag about their child to their friends and associates. Jerome had money and Lucille had looks, so any child they had would help improve their social image. Their daughter Laura Jane Nyquist was born October 5th, 1993, and after that, she was simply an object to them.

Growing up, Laura was cared for by an ever changing parade of nannies and servants while her father was busy at work and her mother was busy socializing and shopping. They provided lots of toys and clothes for Laura, but she was never really happy with her lifestyle. At age five, Laura was enrolled in a respectable private elementary school. Laura, at the time, was anything but respectable. She would take her anger out on students and teachers, getting in feuds with other girls and shouting at her teachers. Laura's parents were called about this behavior, but they simply thought it was a phase Laura needed to work through.

Finally, Laura was expelled in third grade. Another girl insulted Laura, and Laura decided to scare her. She found her father's pocket knife in his desk and decided to try and taunt the girl with it. However, she accidentally dropped it walking into class and the teacher found it. Laura was expelled and her parents were forced to take her to a counselor.

At the counselor's, Jerome and Lucille were encouraged to talk to Laura more and try to get her involved in some outlets. Jerome and Lucille tried to spend time with Laura, but found that their affairs got in the way. They would try to spend time with her, but most of the time, events came up, so they would have to either shorten the time spent with her or reschedule it altogether. Laura would still be upset at her parent's lifestyles, but she knew that she ought to try and meet them halfway and improve herself.

Jerome and Lucille still decided it would be a good idea to try and get Laura involved in some extracurricular activities. After enrolling her in a public school, Laura spent most of her afternoons going to ballet lessons, violin lessons, ice skating classes, and karate classes. Laura hated all of them, and they were dropped soon after she joined them. However, the one class Laura really took interest in was a sewing class she began in fifth grade. Laura found herself interested in designing dresses and making clothes, so she began to focus most of her problems into fashion design. Her parents decided to go with this and gave her a studio in their home so Laura could hone her craft. Most days, Laura could be found sketching outfits or reading books and magazines on fashion, although she took her time before attempting to make any real outfits. Fashion provided a real outlet for Laura, and she found herself channeling most of her feelings into sketches and garments.

After enrolling in a public school, Laura began to adjust a bit better. She encountered friendlier kids and had teachers who weren't as hard on her. When Laura entered middle school, she found herself very popular due to her fashion sense and appearance. Seeing girls want to hang out with her, Laura decided to embrace this culture. She became a snob, using her fashion knowledge and wealth to impose her superiority over others while also helping her close circle of friends with fashion choices and styling. It was also around middle school that she got involved in cheerleading, having spent an entire summer practicing her tricks before making the team.

When she began at Aurora High, Laura carried most of her former personality with her. She would still be considered one of the prettiest girls in her grade, and her eye for fashion helped her gain a reputation as a fashion consultant. In high school, she also used her cheerleader status to get her into all the coolest parties and social events, where she reveled in drinking, drug usage, and rampant fornication. Her parents were still determined that she do well in school despite her active social life, so Laura had to ensure she didn't fall below a C in any of her classes or else she would face punishment such as grounding or losing her cell phone.

Laura also went through several boyfriends and flings in her early high school career, including Jasper Rourke, Maximilian Sawyer, Isaac Spinks, Joey Polpetta, and Adonis Alba, including having a threesome with Adonis and her friend Kat Tolstoff. This gained her a reputation as a dirty slut, but Laura ignored it in favor of having affection showered upon her by lots of boys. She felt that this just made her very well liked in the eyes of the men she slept with, and it made her feel like she had some actual power at hand, something she wasn’t use to at home. Laura tried to be safe most of the time, usually having the guys wear a condom, but there were days were she simply hoped her birth control medication would handle all the problems.

But one day, it all came crashing down. When she was sixteen and nearing the end of her Sophomore year, Laura found herself crouching over the toilet puking her guts up. The test she got from a local pharmacy confirmed her suspicions: she was pregnant. Apparently, she forgot to take some of her birth control pills, and now was having to face the consequences. Laura took some time to think about it, choosing to keep it secret until she could figure out what to do, resulting in her spending the summer engaging in more flings and hedonistic activity, although she was careful enough to stay away from drinking and smoking, and ensured that the guys wore condoms. Most people just thought Laura was trying to calm down with her antics and be a bit more careful with her partying, so no one suspected anything else. But finally, Laura knew she had to tell her parents, about four months into her pregnancy, especially since she felt it was too late for her to get an abortion, and she didn’t want to risk having a late abortion. She couldn't wear large sweaters or loose shirts anymore to try to hide her growing weight, so she had to come clean. After that, everything changed in her life.

When she told all of her friends, she realized how much contempt they had for her. Many of her friends stopped talking to her, Laura suspected that they thought any of their boyfriends could be the father of her baby. Many of Laura's friends had been worried that she would sleep with their boyfriends, which only arose once it was revealed that she stole Maximilian Sawyer from her friend Kat Tolstoff. Even though Laura tried to convince them that Maximilian was the only guy she stole, they had such a low opinion of her at that point that they were finally done with her. Laura views Miranda Millers as the leader of this group, since Miranda was always bothering her on her behavior. The only friends who really stayed with her in this time were Norelia Concepcion and Naomi Bell, who took pity on her and helped her through the pregnancy. She also had to commit to stop drinking and smoking, because she engaged in both before she learned she was pregnant. She was immediately frightened when she realized she had done these actions while pregnant and spent most of the pregnancy worried that there could be some complications as a result.

Boys in school also began to avoid Laura, many of whom were worried they could be the father. A few boys came to her to see if it was theirs, but Laura simply turned them away. Laura admitted that she has no idea who the father could be since she slept with lots of guys around the time of the conception, so it is difficult for her to pinpoint exactly whose child it could be. Most people suspect that she does know and is merely hiding the truth for some reason. She seems completely uncertain who it is, and has trouble recounting who she even slept with in that time due to factors like memory lapses and inebriation. Anyone who asks her about it will watch her simply toss her hands up in the air and admit to having no clue. Laura has admitted that she hasn't been interested in tracking down the father because she feels like her home situation is enough to take care of her baby and that she doesn't need a man to support her.

Laura's home life also drastically changed. Her parents were initially shocked when she told them, with lots of shouting and nasty exchanges delivered. Her parents finally realized that they needed to pay attention to their daughter and ensure that their grandchild avoided the same mistakes as she did. It was too late for an abortion, and they wouldn't allow her to put the child up for adoption, so Laura had to accept that she would be keeping the baby. They began to impose curfews on Laura, search her room for any paraphernalia, and constantly check in on her wherever she was. They also made her quit cheerleading because of her pregnancy, although they let her stay in Fashion Club to give her one outlet. They also restricted how much money Laura could get. While they offered to help her with baby related supplies, they stopped giving her money for shopping sprees and other ventures she was prone to before the baby. During her pregnancy, Laura had to accept a small allowance for buying stuff for the baby and other necessities like gas for her car or some supplies for school. A few months after she gave birth, they made her get a job at a local fast food restaurant to earn some money part time and hopefully teach her how to have a work ethic and learn to responsibly handle money. Even though Laura was already feeling a lot of pressure and stress, her parents thought that she needed to think far ahead and learn how to balance work and parenting. Laura was glad to have her parents supporting her, but she soon realized how troubling their new rules were. She wouldn't be able to go out to certain events, hang out with friends, or even be able to relax without them hounding her about what she was doing or what she could be doing instead. She began to resent her parents a bit, but still found that she wasn't proud enough to deny their help.

The pregnancy itself didn't have too many physical problems for Laura. She would have to rush to the bathroom to throw up while undergoing morning sickness and have to sit awkwardly in her desks when she began to reach the latter stages of her pregnancy. She did have her share of emotional issues though. She became really self-conscious around school, always worried about how people were judging her and what their looks meant. Before, she was always able to brush off any nasty looks, but now she became really worried. This led to a few outbursts in private, over how certain people treated her or her frustration with losing her figure. Laura has found herself feeling a bit weaker as a result of the pregnancy, unable to stand up to people who harass her, and unable to avoid the people who were asking her questions about the pregnancy. She also had to handle staying awake in class due to fatigue, so she began to really slow down and try to take everything slowly. Some teachers were kind enough to try and help her out, and Norelia and Naomi were there to help her do better in some of her classes. She was especially glad to have Norelia and Naomi. She at first thought she could handle not being close to most of her former friends or lovers, but after a while, she began to feel really isolated and hurt that most of her old acquaintances held her in such contempt. She has grown more appreciative of Norelia and Naomi and has tried to do her best to stay friends with them.

In February of her junior year, Sophia Maria Nyquist was born. Laura took a few weeks off from school to handle the event, spending time with a tutor and studying with Norelia and Naomi while she was home from early January to early May 2011. This alienated her a bit, leading to a few emotional outbursts and fits of sobbing, although she has been trying to learn to control her feelings or channel them into other outlets such as her sketching. She has begun to really rely on her friendship with Norelia and Naomi to keep her sane, as they would try to talk to her about her problems. She also began to realize how much she needed her parents, especially since they were all she had for money until she turned eighteen. She had a trust fund, but she began to become fearful for their safety. She also began to worry about Sophia's future, particularly in a lack of a father figure. Laura thought she could handle not having a man helping her with the baby, but she soon found that she began to fear what kind of person Sophia would become if she didn’t have a stable male role model in her life, especially since Laura wasn’t sure Sophia’s grandfather was going to be enough for her. She hasn't been able to date anyone since she revealed her pregnancy, and she still isn't certain if she wants to track down Sophia's biological father or not. She has begun to really pay attention to her future goals and work better in school to ensure that she can support her daughter if her parents are unable to.

Although Laura hadn't shown much excitement in her baby leading up to the birth, she changed a bit when Sophia was born. She would be a lot happier around Sophia, smiling and playing with her a lot and also showing real care for her. Away from Sophia, Laura is the same old person, still being very haughty and bitter and voicing anger at her parents and her situation. Laura still finds herself extremely frustrated around Sophia sometimes, getting angry when Sophia wouldn't stop crying, and complaining when she would have to get up late at night to take care of her. It also doesn't help that her parents are constantly judging her on how she takes care of Sophia. Most of the time Laura has to leave Sophia in the care of her mother or a nanny so she can go to school and work. Usually, Laura has to go to school, then her job, and return home to handle school work and her daughter. This has led to many nights of little sleep and agitation from her, most of which she takes out by channeling her anger and frustration into sketches, but there has been the occasional outburst at Sophia or her parents. While she does spend most of her time feeling rushed and worried, she does try and hide that from others to show that she can handle all this responsibility and prove she can be a good mother.

Laura still wishes for her old life at times, and gets really frustrated when she has to spend her free time taking care of her daughter, although she has been learning to hold back her tongue and try to save face. She does love her daughter, but there are times where she really wonders if this was the right choice and if Sophia is getting the right life by being raised by her. She admits that she isn't that good at what she is doing, and even thinks that there are people who could do better, but she also admits to being afraid of losing Sophia and wants to try and be a good mother. She does read parenting books and has been trying to listen to advice from others. She's also tried to plan ahead for Sophia's future by trying to start a college fund and plan her early education. She's also gotten into the habit of making baby clothes for Sophia and trying to doll her up.

Laura's current plan in life is to go to a local community college and get a degree in business and fashion merchandising so she can open up her own boutique and hopefully raise Sophia on her own terms. She really hoped to have gone to a fashion school in New York, but she is having to compromise, and hopes to get good enough to go on Project Runway.

Presently, Laura is still an average student, averaging C's in most of her classes. Her best classes are electives and humanities classes like English and Art, while she doesn't do too well in classes like Math and Sciences. She stills gets tutoring from Norelia and Naomi and tries to do extra credit work if she can. Laura has had to take summer courses to catch up after her maternity leave. Laura didn't try out for cheerleading in her junior year, something that she felt like was a great sacrifice since she enjoyed the football games and traveling to competitions. She also had to give up most of her partying and spend her weekends working on school work and taking care of Sophia. This did make her feel a bit nostalgic for the old times, but she has had to accept that she made a mistake and would have to pay for it. Laura spends most of her time balancing school, a baby, and a job, leading to her getting tired a lot and being fairly unfocused. She has tried to avoid caffeine and other stimulants since she is worried about how her health might affect her baby, since she still pumps her breast milk at home to feed Sophia. Laura still hasn’t gotten over the fact that she drank and smoked early in her pregnancy, so she has become very concerned about what she eats and drinks. She has to make up for it by trying to practice breathing techniques Naomi taught her and trying to think positively.

Advantages: Some might sympathize with Laura's predicament and avoid doing anything to her. Her knowledge of fashion might also help with handling materials.
Disadvantages: Her hectic life caused her to drop cheerleading and fall out of shape, so she will probably have issues with the physical aspects of the game. Also, her attitude and behavior has caused her to gain a lot of enemies and alienate her from most people, so many people might not want to help her.
[+] Spoiler
Nadia Riva
"You don't think I'm pretty enough to be a model? And you're telling me while wearing that face?"


Noah Whitley
"You look like you could use a laugh, and I have just the joke for that."


Alba Reyes
"Woo hoo! Three holes in one! That's a new record!"
[+] Spoiler
Girl #007-Rachael Langdon
"I really am going to die, aren't I? Oh god, what am I going to do?"


Armed with a Solar Powered Scientific Calculator
Stabbed with a sword by Marcus Leung.
Girl #018-Claire Monaghan
"You know, I always thought I'd be seen by millions. Fuck Murphy's Law."


Armed with a Shotgun Flashlight (1 Bullet) and a bulletproof vest

Girl #035-Sophie McDowell
"People often find inspiration in the darkest times. I guess I can too."
Killed by a grenade thrown by Summer Simms

Armed with a lead pipe.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

19:10 Laurelena: When octopi eat hamsters, the resulting laughter is a mix of colorful idiocy and dainty ice skating

18:10 Mimi: "how many nipples does Miss Piggy REALLY have?"

16:57 Mimi play Fergaliscious
16:58 Mimi IF YOU EVER WANT FANS
16:58 Mimi YOU NEED FERALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi FERGALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi Omg
16:58 Mimi feral-liscious
16:58 Mimi that's
16:58 Mimi blowing my mind

16:57 KamiKaze Laurie, if you ever become a mod, let it be known that one day you will critique someone's profile who had a girl killing her family friend because he raped her, and the person will insult you by calling you a talking Oshawott doll.

21:42Acidic i AM ANAL WART MAN

00:19Delroy.... I HAVE AN IMAGE OF HANSEL FUCKING TRAVIS WITH A CHAINSAW STUCK IN MY HEAD. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY GOOD!?


[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon and Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler


Rachael Langdon


Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler

Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler




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ifnotwinter
Winner
Joined: April 6th, 2009, 5:22 pm

January 28th, 2012, 5:38 am #2

Hey Lauralena! I'm faceinabook, aka Rosie, and I'll be critiquing this profile! Let's get down to business, shall we?

First, nitpicky formatting issues. You've got an extra space between your Appearance and your Biography. No big deal, but it makes it much easier for us to move profiles over into the wiki.

Appearance. Pretty good, although I'd like a little more elaboration on her facial features. I like knowing about her eyes and nose, but what about the general face shape? I'd also like to clarify the length of her hair. Does it fall to her elbows in a ponytail? If so (or even if not) that's some seriously long hair, and I'd be interested to know a bit about it. Curly, straight, high-maintenance, low maintenance...I used to have incredibly long hair and you'd be amazed at how deeply it factors into your life. I also have a small issue with her weight. 5'4 and 129 is smack bang in the middle of average, but it feels like you're describing her as being kind of chubby. I may be reading it wrong -- if so, consider putting something like "she used to be quite skinny" instead of "much slimmer" so it clarifies that she's still a very normal weight.

Biography. My first issue is that a five-year-old brought a pocketknife to a class. Since her parents are neglectful it wouldn't be a huge stretch to say that she could have access to one (although that could use some elaboration -- was it just hanging around? Did she take it from someone? Why would they have a pocketknife anyway?) but to have the foresight and knowledge to bring it to school and use it to threaten someone...five year old children just don't act that way. I'm also amazed that the school didn't get involved until the knife incident considering that Laura would not only fight with other children, but swear at staff. They should have been involving the parents at the first incident, not brushing it off.

No child psychiatrist or counselor would deal with household staff/nannies, both due to privacy concerns and because a young child's behavioral issues would be almost certainly caused by issues in the home or with caretakers. If the counselor thought there was neglect, he or she would be legally bound to report it. CPS would then be the ones responsible for issuing a "fix things or lose the kid" order. She would also be checked on repeatedly, so if all her parents were doing was sending her to extracurricular activities, there would almost certainly be intervention.

I'd also like more detail about how she dealt with all of this emotionally. Going from kindergarten to middle school is a big jump, especially with such a difficult life and strange relationship with her parents. How did she cope? What does she think about all of this? How have her parents adapted to her growing up?

Her party lifestyle. How has this affected her relationship with her parents or her school life? Has she ever gotten in trouble for it (gotten picked up drunk, searched for drugs, etc). If she's been sleeping with men all along, have there ever been pregnancy scares before or does she use birth control/condoms? STD scares? I'd just like more detail, really.

The pregnancy. You mention that multiple people could be the father; has she not been using birth control at all? Or did something happen (skipping pills, sleeping with multiple partners without a condom, being on antibiotics while on the pill, etc)? Something like a teen pregnancy is a huge deal in a biography, so the more detail the better. I'd also like some clarification on why she would ensure the people she slept with used birth control after she confirmed the pregnancy, since it wouldn't matter then (except from an STD perspective. Also, did friends notice her lack of drinking/smoking?

I'd make it clear that Miranda's personal opinion is that Laura can bed any guy she wants, since saying that she can is treading awfully close to godmodding (you're saying that if she wanted too she could sleep with my character Rory, for instance, who's not interested in sexual flings at all and therefore wouldn't sleep with her).

If she does know who the father is, that should be made clear in the bio. If she doesn't and is merely pretending that she is, I'd like some clarification on why she would do that. I'd also ask that you tone down "most of the boys in school" since I highly doubt she'd have been able to sleep with that many, without protection.

How did her parents feel about the pregnancy and the fact that they were going to be grandparents? What was their emotional reaction? Why would they cut her off from finances and make her support herself fully, especially since she would need to support her baby?

I want much, much more detail on her emotional state through all of this. She's a teenager having an unplanned baby while still in school. How does she feel about it? How does she handle various aspects of the pregnancy? Does she consider adoption? I'm assuming she would have left school for at least part of the pregnancy and after the birth -- how did she handle this? This is no small issue you're tackling, and it's a sensitive one to many handlers on this site. I really need to see that you've though this through.

I'd like more detail on how she cares for Sophia, especially with school being in the equation, and how her parents help or do not help. You've got a start there with mentioning how she acts around her, but I want more depth. Also, you mention that she 'shows real care' but also complains when she has to get up at night? How do those two things mesh? If she's balancing school, a job, and a baby, I'd really like more detail on how she does it and how she makes up for the time lost at school when she was pregnant/after the birth.

Advantages/Disadvantages are mostly good, although again I'm not sure what you mean by 'baby weight' considering she is at a perfectly normal, healthy, even slim weight for her height and age. Out of shape is fine, but she wouldn't be overweight.

You've got a good start, but with something like this I'm going to need to see a heck of a lot more detail before she can be approved. Post here when you've made your edits, and I'll give her another look.

Thanks!

marc st. yves
light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire
{food for thought}

phineas rosario
fall down seven times stand up eight
sebastian conway
can't see the forest for the trees
{book of sparrows}
[/center][/center]
(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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Laurels
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 4th, 2011, 4:36 pm

January 28th, 2012, 6:28 am #3

Edited!
[+] Spoiler
Nadia Riva
"You don't think I'm pretty enough to be a model? And you're telling me while wearing that face?"


Noah Whitley
"You look like you could use a laugh, and I have just the joke for that."


Alba Reyes
"Woo hoo! Three holes in one! That's a new record!"
[+] Spoiler
Girl #007-Rachael Langdon
"I really am going to die, aren't I? Oh god, what am I going to do?"


Armed with a Solar Powered Scientific Calculator
Stabbed with a sword by Marcus Leung.
Girl #018-Claire Monaghan
"You know, I always thought I'd be seen by millions. Fuck Murphy's Law."


Armed with a Shotgun Flashlight (1 Bullet) and a bulletproof vest

Girl #035-Sophie McDowell
"People often find inspiration in the darkest times. I guess I can too."
Killed by a grenade thrown by Summer Simms

Armed with a lead pipe.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

19:10 Laurelena: When octopi eat hamsters, the resulting laughter is a mix of colorful idiocy and dainty ice skating

18:10 Mimi: "how many nipples does Miss Piggy REALLY have?"

16:57 Mimi play Fergaliscious
16:58 Mimi IF YOU EVER WANT FANS
16:58 Mimi YOU NEED FERALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi FERGALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi Omg
16:58 Mimi feral-liscious
16:58 Mimi that's
16:58 Mimi blowing my mind

16:57 KamiKaze Laurie, if you ever become a mod, let it be known that one day you will critique someone's profile who had a girl killing her family friend because he raped her, and the person will insult you by calling you a talking Oshawott doll.

21:42Acidic i AM ANAL WART MAN

00:19Delroy.... I HAVE AN IMAGE OF HANSEL FUCKING TRAVIS WITH A CHAINSAW STUCK IN MY HEAD. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY GOOD!?


[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon and Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler


Rachael Langdon


Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler

Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler




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ifnotwinter
Winner
Joined: April 6th, 2009, 5:22 pm

January 29th, 2012, 11:33 pm #4

Please ensure that all the asked-for edits have been made before replying to this thread. The following edits still remain:

wrote:The pregnancy. You mention that multiple people could be the father; has she not been using birth control at all? Or did something happen (skipping pills, sleeping with multiple partners without a condom, being on antibiotics while on the pill, etc)? Something like a teen pregnancy is a huge deal in a biography, so the more detail the better. I'd also like some clarification on why she would ensure the people she slept with used birth control after she confirmed the pregnancy, since it wouldn't matter then (except from an STD perspective).
(Although you clarified the birth control issue somewhat I need to know why she's still unsure who the father is, considering that most errors it's possible to make while on the pill combined with timing of pregnancy should make it clear when she became pregnant. Please clarify what kind of mistake she made as well as why she is still being careful to use birth control (I am assuming you mean condoms, as being on the pill while pregnant would result in severe birth defects)).
wrote:Why would [her parents] cut her off from finances and make her support herself fully, especially since she would need to support her baby?

wrote:I want much, much more detail on her emotional state through all of this. She's a teenager having an unplanned baby while still in school. How does she feel about it? How does she handle various aspects of the pregnancy? Does she consider adoption? I'm assuming she would have left school for at least part of the pregnancy and after the birth -- how did she handle this? This is no small issue you're tackling, and it's a sensitive one to many handlers on this site. I really need to see that you've thought this through.
(Detail, detail, detail. A whole pregnancy can't be brushed over in just a few sentences.)
wrote:I'd like more detail on how she cares for Sophia, especially with school being in the equation, and how her parents help or do not help. You've got a start there with mentioning how she acts around her, but I want more depth. Also, you mention that she 'shows real care' but also complains when she has to get up at night? How do those two things mesh? If she's balancing school, a job, and a baby, I'd really like more detail on how she does it.
Please complete the edits and I will give Laura another critique. Thank you.

marc st. yves
light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire
{food for thought}

phineas rosario
fall down seven times stand up eight
sebastian conway
can't see the forest for the trees
{book of sparrows}
[/center][/center]
(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
Like
Share

Laurels
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 4th, 2011, 4:36 pm

January 30th, 2012, 4:10 am #5

I have no idea how I missed those comments. I was sure I got everything you mentioned. Oh well, the changes have been made again, and I only hope that they make Laura appropriate for pregame.
[+] Spoiler
Nadia Riva
"You don't think I'm pretty enough to be a model? And you're telling me while wearing that face?"


Noah Whitley
"You look like you could use a laugh, and I have just the joke for that."


Alba Reyes
"Woo hoo! Three holes in one! That's a new record!"
[+] Spoiler
Girl #007-Rachael Langdon
"I really am going to die, aren't I? Oh god, what am I going to do?"


Armed with a Solar Powered Scientific Calculator
Stabbed with a sword by Marcus Leung.
Girl #018-Claire Monaghan
"You know, I always thought I'd be seen by millions. Fuck Murphy's Law."


Armed with a Shotgun Flashlight (1 Bullet) and a bulletproof vest

Girl #035-Sophie McDowell
"People often find inspiration in the darkest times. I guess I can too."
Killed by a grenade thrown by Summer Simms

Armed with a lead pipe.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

19:10 Laurelena: When octopi eat hamsters, the resulting laughter is a mix of colorful idiocy and dainty ice skating

18:10 Mimi: "how many nipples does Miss Piggy REALLY have?"

16:57 Mimi play Fergaliscious
16:58 Mimi IF YOU EVER WANT FANS
16:58 Mimi YOU NEED FERALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi FERGALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi Omg
16:58 Mimi feral-liscious
16:58 Mimi that's
16:58 Mimi blowing my mind

16:57 KamiKaze Laurie, if you ever become a mod, let it be known that one day you will critique someone's profile who had a girl killing her family friend because he raped her, and the person will insult you by calling you a talking Oshawott doll.

21:42Acidic i AM ANAL WART MAN

00:19Delroy.... I HAVE AN IMAGE OF HANSEL FUCKING TRAVIS WITH A CHAINSAW STUCK IN MY HEAD. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY GOOD!?


[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon and Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler


Rachael Langdon


Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler

Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler




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ifnotwinter
Winner
Joined: April 6th, 2009, 5:22 pm

January 30th, 2012, 8:16 am #6

Thank you so much for your prompt corrections. However, I can't approve Laura yet. I apologize -- I may have been unclear when asking you for detail concerning the pregnancy, because that's still the major roadblock preventing approval.

I'm going to be as clear as I can here, and just lay it all on the line. We have a few hot-button issues at SOTF when it comes to realism, and teenage pregnancy is one of them. It's a difficult topic at the best of times and a sensitive, emotionally stressful one for many handlers. We want to create an atmosphere here where everyone is able to be comfortable, and part of that is ensuring that such high-stress issues are handled with as much sensitivity and realism as possible. Part of that is being able to demonstrate the ability to do so in a profile.

I'm not seeing that. I'm seeing nine months of pregnancy covered in a few sentences. You're quick to mention what people thought of her and various things that happened during the pregnancy, but nothing at all about her emotional state or feelings until "This alienated her a bit, leading to a few emotional outbursts and fits of sobbing.". Being pregnant as a 16/17 year old is unbelievably difficult and to distill her feelings to that is frankly not acceptable, especially considering that I have now had multiple members come to me feeling offended by your treatment of this issue. It can't be glossed over. It can't be an accessory to a profile, especially since it feels right now like the whole thing is just so that there can be drama over who's really the father -- which, to be honest, I'm a little leery about because I can't imagine she could sleep with so many people within a relatively small period of time. But that's not the issue at hand, the issue at hand is that right now I'm not comfortable letting Laura into pregame the way she is.

So here are my proposed solutions.

1) You can scrap the character. Just post here or PM me asking for her to be moved to the abandoned character forum, and I'll do it.

2) You can remove the pregnancy. This would be the option I would currently recommend, seen as otherwise you have a pretty solid profile here.

or 3) You can keep the profile and heavily revamp the pregnancy. I need to see that you're able to talk about her emotional state, how having an unplanned child affected her and her life. How did she deal with little things (morning sickness, getting too big for her clothes, being visibly pregnant at school) and big things (she is having a baby at 17, her parents are essentially forcing her to keep it, she has no idea who the father is and therefore never any chance of support from him). You have some of this after the birth, but it's still pretty minimalist considering what a drastic change this is to her life. Really, I need to be able to look at this profile and say with confidence "This will be dealt with in a sensitive and mature manner during pregame".

If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to PM me. If this is based on personal experience and you feel uncomfortable going into greater detail, please PM and we can work something out.

Thank you.

marc st. yves
light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire
{food for thought}

phineas rosario
fall down seven times stand up eight
sebastian conway
can't see the forest for the trees
{book of sparrows}
[/center][/center]
(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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Laurels
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 4th, 2011, 4:36 pm

January 30th, 2012, 5:00 pm #7

I went over the profile again. I really hope I covered everything this time, and I apologize for any issues there might still be with the character. I'm really trying with her, and I appreciate your criticism. I'm not ready to give her up though, so I hope this round is a bit better and that I can show that the time spent on this profile was worth it.
[+] Spoiler
Nadia Riva
"You don't think I'm pretty enough to be a model? And you're telling me while wearing that face?"


Noah Whitley
"You look like you could use a laugh, and I have just the joke for that."


Alba Reyes
"Woo hoo! Three holes in one! That's a new record!"
[+] Spoiler
Girl #007-Rachael Langdon
"I really am going to die, aren't I? Oh god, what am I going to do?"


Armed with a Solar Powered Scientific Calculator
Stabbed with a sword by Marcus Leung.
Girl #018-Claire Monaghan
"You know, I always thought I'd be seen by millions. Fuck Murphy's Law."


Armed with a Shotgun Flashlight (1 Bullet) and a bulletproof vest

Girl #035-Sophie McDowell
"People often find inspiration in the darkest times. I guess I can too."
Killed by a grenade thrown by Summer Simms

Armed with a lead pipe.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

19:10 Laurelena: When octopi eat hamsters, the resulting laughter is a mix of colorful idiocy and dainty ice skating

18:10 Mimi: "how many nipples does Miss Piggy REALLY have?"

16:57 Mimi play Fergaliscious
16:58 Mimi IF YOU EVER WANT FANS
16:58 Mimi YOU NEED FERALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi FERGALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi Omg
16:58 Mimi feral-liscious
16:58 Mimi that's
16:58 Mimi blowing my mind

16:57 KamiKaze Laurie, if you ever become a mod, let it be known that one day you will critique someone's profile who had a girl killing her family friend because he raped her, and the person will insult you by calling you a talking Oshawott doll.

21:42Acidic i AM ANAL WART MAN

00:19Delroy.... I HAVE AN IMAGE OF HANSEL FUCKING TRAVIS WITH A CHAINSAW STUCK IN MY HEAD. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY GOOD!?


[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon and Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler


Rachael Langdon


Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler

Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler




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Laurels
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 4th, 2011, 4:36 pm

February 2nd, 2012, 12:54 am #8

Edited!
[+] Spoiler
Nadia Riva
"You don't think I'm pretty enough to be a model? And you're telling me while wearing that face?"


Noah Whitley
"You look like you could use a laugh, and I have just the joke for that."


Alba Reyes
"Woo hoo! Three holes in one! That's a new record!"
[+] Spoiler
Girl #007-Rachael Langdon
"I really am going to die, aren't I? Oh god, what am I going to do?"


Armed with a Solar Powered Scientific Calculator
Stabbed with a sword by Marcus Leung.
Girl #018-Claire Monaghan
"You know, I always thought I'd be seen by millions. Fuck Murphy's Law."


Armed with a Shotgun Flashlight (1 Bullet) and a bulletproof vest

Girl #035-Sophie McDowell
"People often find inspiration in the darkest times. I guess I can too."
Killed by a grenade thrown by Summer Simms

Armed with a lead pipe.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

19:10 Laurelena: When octopi eat hamsters, the resulting laughter is a mix of colorful idiocy and dainty ice skating

18:10 Mimi: "how many nipples does Miss Piggy REALLY have?"

16:57 Mimi play Fergaliscious
16:58 Mimi IF YOU EVER WANT FANS
16:58 Mimi YOU NEED FERALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi FERGALISCIOUS
16:58 Mimi Omg
16:58 Mimi feral-liscious
16:58 Mimi that's
16:58 Mimi blowing my mind

16:57 KamiKaze Laurie, if you ever become a mod, let it be known that one day you will critique someone's profile who had a girl killing her family friend because he raped her, and the person will insult you by calling you a talking Oshawott doll.

21:42Acidic i AM ANAL WART MAN

00:19Delroy.... I HAVE AN IMAGE OF HANSEL FUCKING TRAVIS WITH A CHAINSAW STUCK IN MY HEAD. HOW IS THIS IN ANY WAY GOOD!?


[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon
[+] Spoiler

Rachael Langdon and Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler


Rachael Langdon


Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler

Claire Monaghan
[+] Spoiler




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ifnotwinter
Winner
Joined: April 6th, 2009, 5:22 pm

February 2nd, 2012, 1:12 am #9

APPROVED

marc st. yves
light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire
{food for thought}

phineas rosario
fall down seven times stand up eight
sebastian conway
can't see the forest for the trees
{book of sparrows}
[/center][/center]
(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
Like
Share

SOTF_Help
Winner
Joined: November 16th, 2006, 8:44 pm

February 28th, 2012, 3:22 am #10

This profile has been forfeited by the handler. It is not eligible for resubmission at any time.
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