Jonathan Gulley

Primrosette
Winner
Joined: June 6th, 2015, 2:05 am

September 8th, 2015, 2:22 pm #1

Name: Jonathan Gulley
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 11th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Playing the guitar, skateboarding and horror movies

Appearance: Jonathan is a very short, skinny teenager who is 5'1" and weights 124Ibs. Jonathan is Caucasian and he has a habit of wearing one diamond earring on his left ear. His hair is light blond that is cut short and he spikes it up messily with some hair gel. His eyes are light blue and the shape of his face is slightly rounded. His lips are a bit pouty and he makes sure that he has a neat shaved appearance. He is seen as more cute-looking than handsome. He has a curved scar on his right cheek that is just under his eye and it is 4 inches long due to an incident when he was younger.

Jonathan has always loved to wear clothes that make him look like a punk skater and he would normally be seen wearing either a black or a red t-shirt that has either skulls or blood designs on them. He likes to wear t-shirts that have band names like A Day To Remember, Jimmy Eats World, Paramore among others. He normally loves to wear black trainers and he wears very loose dark jeans. He wears a gold Celtic necklace around his neck that was a gift from his mother for his seventeenth birthday.

Biography: Jonathan was an only child that was born on February 14 to Harold and Mary-Jane Gulley in Kingman, Arizona. His parents had married at a young age and they planned to have a child together. They were both happy when their son came into their lives and they raised him in a loving home. Harold was working as a bus driver and Mary-Jane had a job as a hairdresser. When they were too busy with work, they would either have a babysitter take care of Jonathan or Mary-Jane would take him to work with her as her friends loved to spend some of their time looking after her son.

Jonathan was quite a troublesome child in elementary school for a whole year at the young age of seven. He would like to distract his classmates from learning and he wouldn't do his schoolwork. He would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers. He was very unmotivated by his lessons in school and he would continue to disturb everyone during them. His teachers and his parents were very concerned with Jonathan's insensitive behavior towards other students. His parents would ground him or make him do chores such as tidying his room, making him wash the dishes or cleaning around the house. Jonathan didn't like doing these chores. He then managed to behave more in school by listening to his teachers' lessons and trying to keep quiet to not distract the other students.

At the age of eight, Jonathan had a huge love for music; especially the country genre which he liked to listen to whenever he was doing schoolwork at home because it would always keep him in a cheerful, happy mood. He really liked the guitar as he thought it was the heart of the music that would make people smile and be happy during bad times in their lives. His parents brought him a acoustic guitar which he struggled to play at first. His parents would pay for him to get guitar lessons to help him practice to get better at playing it. Harold would sometimes help Jonathan practice at home whenever he would ask for his father to teach him to get good at playing his guitar. Jonathan was first inspired by a song called 'There's Your Trouble' by a band called Dixie Chicks and he fell in love with their music. Their songs were his favorites to play and he continues to play them privately in his room to this day. He also plays other songs that are by Toby Keith, Patty Loveless, Faith Hill and many other artists. Jonathan started to get along with some other classmates when he discussed his love for country music and he bonded with them over this. He became great friends with them and he would love to hang out with them all the time at school and outside of school.

Jonathan was first introduced to skateboarding at the age of ten by one of his friends when they went to the skate park to watch the older kids skateboarding. Jonathan thought that it was cool and fun to do. He begged his parents to buy him a skateboard and his parents made sure that he had a helmet and pads on. They told him to be careful not to get himself hurt. His babysitter was told to keep an eye on him by his mother and she took him to the skate park to meet up with his friends. Jonathan was very energetic and reckless when he and his friends went to have fun together at the skate park. Jonathan still continues to love skateboarding to this day as it makes him feel free and he enjoys doing this with his friends. He is a freestyle skater and he prefers to use a board that is a birdhouse board that has a skeleton bird design on it. Jonathan's favorite trick to do is a kickflip as he loves to show off in front of his friends and other skaters. He would like to do a lot of tricks that would be hard for him to do and he continues to practice to succeed in doing them perfectly. Some of his favorite skaters are Russ Howell, Rodney Mullen and Darryl Grogan as he enjoyed seeing what tricks that they did and he wants to be just like them.

At the age of twelve, Jonathan, his babysitter, Lisa, and her ex-boyfriend, Derrick, got into an accident that still haunts Jonathan to this day. Jonathan and Lisa had been late coming back from the skate park and Lisa got Jonathan a late meal before heading back home with him. While Lisa was driving; Derrick called her to come and pick him up so that they could talk about their relationship. Jonathan was uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick; as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him. After Lisa picked up Derrick to talk to him, Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again and he wanted to get out of the car with Lisa. Jonathan was startled when Derrick grabbed the steering wheel in a rage; they crashed into another car and Jonathan lost consciousness. When Jonathan woke up in the hospital a day later, he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows. He was heartbroken when he heard that Lisa had died during the car accident. He was noticeably quieter than usual. He has always thought of Lisa as a second mum and he couldn't deal with the loss of her. His parents tried everything that they could think of to get Jonathan out of his depressed state. The only thing that helped was Harold playing Jonathan's guitar to him. Jonathan remembered that he made a promise to Lisa that he would play the guitar to make people happy after he made her smile while playing it himself. He is still hurting over losing her to this day. He goes to her grave once a week to give her flowers and he will talk to her about what is happening with his life so far.

In middle school, Jonathan had started to make sure that he focused more on his schoolwork to impress his teachers and his parents. Jonathan noticed that he would get picked on by other students because of his small height and the scar that's on his face which was a reminder of what he had lost in the past. Jonathan was really bothered by this and he told one of his teachers about this. His teacher told Jonathan's parents about the students picking on him and his parents both had a word with Jonathan about how the bullies made him feel. He told them that the bullies made him feel angry and upset and his parents told him that he should just ignore them. Jonathan decided to follow his parents' words in school and the bullying slowly started to die down over the year. He was still getting picked on by a few students as they could see that he was an easy target and his friends would try to make the bullies back off from Jonathan.

At the age of fifteen, Jonathan enjoyed watching horror movies with his friends that were 80s slasher movies. He enjoyed how cheesy they were and he loved to get a great laugh out of them with his friends. He was first introduced to the movie Halloween by one of his friends and he instantly fell in love with it as it became his first favorite horror movie. He really enjoys movies such as A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday The 13th, Halloween and many other slasher movies. Some of his favorite directors are Wes Craven, John Carpenter and Sean S. Cunningham. Some of his favorite actors are Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis, Donald Pleasence and many others. He did this at the weekend with his friends and they continue to do this now. Jonathan's parents don't have a problem with Jonathan doing this to spend time with his friends. Although they would make sure to watch the movies that were 18+ movies before Jonathan would as they thought that they might be too graphic for him. Jonathan is still a big horror fan at heart.

Jonathan realized that he was gay when he found himself getting attached to his own gender and he didn't have any romantic feelings towards girls. He wasn't sure how to deal with it at first because he didn't know how others would react to his sexuality. He was afraid that people wouldn't accept him for who he was. He kept it a secret for a while until he felt confident to open up about it. Jonathan is currently hoping to settle down into a relationship soon and he wants it to be a relationship that will work out. He is in love with one of his friends. However he is too shy to ask him out and he is waiting to work up the courage to tell him how he feels one day.

Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends. He loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys, but he used to be secretly insecure about himself being gay. Before he was able to open up to his parents and other people about his sexuality as he felt uncomfortable about it. He was also afraid of being bullied more than often because of it. One of Jonathan's friends' older brother would always take him and his friends to a party that would happen every Saturday at the brother's house. Jonathan would only have a small glass of alcohol as he didn't want his parents to see him hungover on a Sunday morning. He had kept this hidden from his parents for a year until he noticed that it was interfering with his schoolwork. He told his parents about him sneaking out at night and they were both mad at him and they grounded him for a month.

At Cochise High school, Jonathan is a struggling student and he really dislikes studying. His mother really wants him to try to focus more on his studies and his father tells him to take it easy and just do the best that he can. He has been struggling because he already knows what he wants to do with his life and he is losing motivation in classes that he isn't interested in. His grades are of Cs and Ds and he feels like that is good enough. His favorite subjects are music and P.E. His less favorite subjects are English and art. He is getting help from a tutor as his mother forced him to get better and he is slowly on the path to trying to improve in his subjects.

His mother is very worried about her son's future and his father told him to get a part-time job. Jonathan doesn't really like the idea of a job but he doesn't want to disappoint his parents more. He managed to get a part-time job at the Diamondback Ice Cream Parlor. He thought that it would be easy for him to work there. Although he doesn't like working there much, he is just glad that his parents are pleased with him working somewhere. Jonathan is not planning to go to college and he is trying to save up money to travel around the world to play his guitar to many different people around the world as he wanted to live up to the promise that he made to Lisa when he was younger.

Jonathan is a very friendly person at heart and he loves to have fun with his friends. He will listen to any problems that they have and he will do anything to help them out. He can still be very sensitive to being teased by others and will get quiet and moody as a result. He has a very good relationship with his parents. However, he does get into arguments with his mother about his bad grades and he knows that she is just worried about his future. He has a closer relationship with his father and he knows that his father is proud of him trying to get better at things. He is very loyal to his friends and he is glad that they are there for him as well.

Advantages: Jonathan can make allies as he can be a very trustworthy and a friendly person, he is loyal to his friends, he is always willing to help others out and he can be a great listener to follow other people's plans.
Disadvantages: Jonathan isn't a very smart person so there is a chance that he could be easily manipulated, he can be too sensitive to other people's words and if he is in a moody state; it can rub off on other people in a bad way.
Their Time Is gone wrote:
[+] Spoiler
V6
B030 - Brendan Harte: "F-Family..... Thank you, thank you, t-thank.... you, Alba, Jon...."
G014 - Scarlett McAfee: "I always liked you, y-you know...?"
G044 - Maria Cucinotta (Adopted): "Hah..."
[+] Spoiler
Emmett Bunnell: Artistic Loner
Violet Quinn: Quiet Goth

[+] Spoiler
Travis Levenson: 'Me? Nice? Please! You're being delusional...'
Tia Sullivan: 'This is a complete waste of my time....'
Molly Doe: 'Why don't we just get with the party lovers and have a crazy, wild experience?'
Ravan Sharpe: 'Uh.... H-Hi.'
Like
Share

Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

October 6th, 2015, 7:50 pm #2

Hey Prim. Jonathan is a good start but is temporarily Denied pending some changes.

The first change that needs to be made; and it's a big one, is that the profiles tone and style of writing needs to be changed and made consistent throughout. For example during the biography the tense changes multiple and in one instance within the same sentence. This hampers the overall quality and reading experience of the profile. There are also a lot of sentences that rely on the word and. For example:
wrote:He was a disruption who bothered his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork and he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers. He was very unmotivated by his lessons in school and he would continue to disturb everyone during these lessons.
wrote:Some of his favorite directors are Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Sean S. Cunningham and some of his favorite actors are Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Loomis, Donald Pleasence and many others.
It makes the sentences very clunky, awkward to read and doesn't allow for a natural flow in the writing so it would be better trying to reword this sentences to try and improve on this.



Ok onto the profile's content.

Parties are not a hobby or interest. It's just something young people do. It's like saying being social is a hobby. It's something people enjoy because its fun but in real life I don't think people view parties as a key part of their life. So remove this please.
wrote:He likes to wear t-shirts that have band names like A Day To Remember, Jimmy Eats World, Paramore and many other bands.
This is a redundant and clunky statement and it would be better if it said something along the lines of "among others".
wrote:He was a disruption who bothered his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork and he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers.
This sentence is phrased awkwardly and would be better off being reworded.
wrote:He was very unmotivated by his lessons in school and he would continue to disturb everyone during these lessons.
You don't need lessons here twice. Putting during them would serve the same purpose.
wrote:There's your trouble by a band called Dixie Chicks
Needs quote marks.

Right so we know Jonathan enjoys playing guitar and has a love for music but we're not told why. Why does he have a love for music? Why does he enjoy playing the guitar? These are important details as they really help us see more of Jonathan's personality and helps us imagine what he's like.

Just going to ask how good Jonathan is at skateboarding since you say he does a kickflip to show off but if he's being doing it since age 10 that's not that complex a move to do.

This mystery accident comes up again here when you talk about how Jonathan gets bullied and I'm going to need for you to put this accident in the profile. Because it shouldn't be a mystery to the terrorists and it really shouldn't be kept a secret from the staff. Remember these profiles need to feature every important detail in your kids life and if they're getting bullied over this accident its important enough to need an explanation.

How did Jonathan get introduced to 80s horror movies? What did his parents think intially since a lot of these movies are have an R rating or are 18+.
wrote:Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends and he loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys, but he used to be secretly insecure about himself being gay before he opened up to his parents and other people about his sexuality as he felt uncomfortable about it and he was afraid of being bullied more than often because of it.
Ok now, for Jonathan being gay what you have down is really not enough to be acceptable. It's two sentences and that's being generous to the first one. Now I'm not asking for a big tragic backstory about Jonathan being gay or anything but if its something that's important to his character, which it seems to be, I would prefer if it was looked into in much more detail. So I'd like this expanded upon.

The paragraph about his school life and his out of school stuff would be better off being split into two separate paragraphs. One for each part, it'll just make it easier to read.

Why is he struggling? Is it directly related to him disliking studying leading to him to not actually study? Or is it something else? What classes does he like and dislike? How is he trying to improve if he feels his results aren't good enough?

For his job why did he get a job at the Ice Cream Parlor? Why does he want to go around the world and play his guitar to different people? This also comes way out of left field so more detail here is needed.
wrote:Jonathan is a very friendly person at heart who loves to have fun with his friends and he will listen to any problems that they have and he will do anything to help them out.
This really needs to be edited into two sentences or maybe three, since right now its three different points stuck together.
wrote:He can still be very sensitive to being teased by other people and he would get very quiet and bitter if this happens to him.
This sentence switches tenses halfway through. It'd read better as "He can still be very sensitive to being teased by others and will get quiet and moody as a result."

For the advantages and disadvantages more detail is needed regarding how this will effect Jonathan on the during his time on the island. Also being an easy target due to bullying doesn't really make any sense as a disadvantage and neither does being unmotivated, it'd take a serious lack of motivation to actively not attempt to survive being murdered.

So yeah, it's a lot of changes but once you've made them all post here and I'll give Jonathan another look.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
[+] Spoiler
Kimiko Kao - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯
Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
[+] Spoiler
Gray Emerson - "No. We don't follow."
Yasmin "Yaz" Carroll - "I don't really have a plan anymore."
Christopher Harlin - "You can look me in the eyes and shoot me."
Like
Share

Primrosette
Winner
Joined: June 6th, 2015, 2:05 am

October 8th, 2015, 1:21 pm #3

I think I did the edits that you have ask for. : )
Their Time Is gone wrote:
[+] Spoiler
V6
B030 - Brendan Harte: "F-Family..... Thank you, thank you, t-thank.... you, Alba, Jon...."
G014 - Scarlett McAfee: "I always liked you, y-you know...?"
G044 - Maria Cucinotta (Adopted): "Hah..."
[+] Spoiler
Emmett Bunnell: Artistic Loner
Violet Quinn: Quiet Goth

[+] Spoiler
Travis Levenson: 'Me? Nice? Please! You're being delusional...'
Tia Sullivan: 'This is a complete waste of my time....'
Molly Doe: 'Why don't we just get with the party lovers and have a crazy, wild experience?'
Ravan Sharpe: 'Uh.... H-Hi.'
Like
Share

Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

October 13th, 2015, 6:14 pm #4

Alright so while Jonathan is looking better he's still Denied pending changes.
wrote:He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork;
This is still phrased awkwardly to be more specific saying 'bother his classmates from learning' is incorrect. It would either be 'He would like to bother his classmates, preventing them from learning." or "He frequently bothered his classmates and prevented them from learning."
wrote:At the age of eight, Jonathan did like playing with others kids and he had a huge love of music; especially the country genre as he would which he liked to listen to it whenever he was doing schoolwork at home because it would always keep him in a cheerful, happy mood.
Ok so we don't need the parts I've slashed through here really as they only serve to add more words to what is already a long sentence. This brings me to my next major point I want you to work on this go around:

Editing. Specifically editing your phrasing and sentence structure to:

1) Remove unnecessary words.
2) Ensure that sentences have a flow, instead of being clunky.
3) Shorten your overall sentence length. Since right now most of the sentences you use could be two or more sentences when split up and are being forced into one very long sentence.

Hopefully as you're doing this you'll also start to see the grammatical errors that are present within this profile. Again I'm going to ask that you give the profile a good read through with an eye out for detail. Otherwise this critique could devolve into more changes like that one up there ^ and I'm sure neither of us want to go through that.
wrote:'There's your trouble' by a band called Dixie Chicks
The name of the song needs capital letters since it is a name.
wrote:Jonathan was not uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
Think you just meant 'was uncomfortable' here.
wrote:Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.
I don't think the detail about the car moving uncontrollably is needed as we can assume that from the fact two people are fighting over the wheel. All it serves to do is make the sentence longer than it needs to be.
wrote:he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows
wrote: He was devastated and heartbroken when he heard that Lisa had died during the car accident and he was noticeably more quieter than usual.
You don't need both devastated and heartbroken here.
wrote:the scar that's on his face that was caused in an accident that he wasn't comfortable to talk about.
Yeah this sentence needs to be changed to refer to the accident properly as we know what happened now. So it makes no sense calling it 'an accident'.
wrote:At the age of fifteen, Jonathan enjoyed watching horror movies with his friends that were 80s slasher movies because he enjoyed how cheesy they were and he loved to get a great laugh out of them with his friends.
This needs to be at least two different sentences because it's nearly two whole lines by itself.

Ok so, your changes to Jonathan being gay, if anything they almost make things worse. You've not really done what I've asked here. I asked for it to be expanded upon and more detail added but all you've done is tacked on two sentences about how he wants a relationship soon and is in love with one of his friends. What I wanted was more detail about this earlier in his life. When did Jonathan realise he was gay? How did he cope with this? Right now this still goes unexplained. So I'm still going to have to ask for more detail here.
wrote:Although he doesn't likeing working there much,
wrote:Jonathan can make allies as he can be a very trustworthyful
I also think you're missing out the word 'easily' but I'm not sure.

Alright make those changes for me and I'll give Jonathan another look!
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
[+] Spoiler
Kimiko Kao - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯
Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
[+] Spoiler
Gray Emerson - "No. We don't follow."
Yasmin "Yaz" Carroll - "I don't really have a plan anymore."
Christopher Harlin - "You can look me in the eyes and shoot me."
Like
Share

Primrosette
Winner
Joined: June 6th, 2015, 2:05 am

October 14th, 2015, 8:38 am #5

I did reread through the profile and I think I have edited the things you have asked me to.
Their Time Is gone wrote:
[+] Spoiler
V6
B030 - Brendan Harte: "F-Family..... Thank you, thank you, t-thank.... you, Alba, Jon...."
G014 - Scarlett McAfee: "I always liked you, y-you know...?"
G044 - Maria Cucinotta (Adopted): "Hah..."
[+] Spoiler
Emmett Bunnell: Artistic Loner
Violet Quinn: Quiet Goth

[+] Spoiler
Travis Levenson: 'Me? Nice? Please! You're being delusional...'
Tia Sullivan: 'This is a complete waste of my time....'
Molly Doe: 'Why don't we just get with the party lovers and have a crazy, wild experience?'
Ravan Sharpe: 'Uh.... H-Hi.'
Like
Share

Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

October 21st, 2015, 8:27 pm #6

Ok so Jonathan is still Denied pending changes.

The thing I noticed straight away is that you haven't read through the profile carefully. There's still a lot of stuff that hasn't been changed after the last couple of times. For example:
wrote:He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork; as he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers.
This sentence still contains the phrase I had an issue with in the first place.
wrote:After Lisa picked up Derrick. While they were talking, Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.
These two sentences need to be worked on because right now the first sentence is only half of one and the second one lacks any context as a result.

Another thing you need to be careful of is that when you add in the changes that I ask for but don't edit the paragraph to take into account these new additions.
wrote:Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends and he loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan realized that he was gay when he found himself getting attached to his own gender and he didn't have any romantic feelings towards girls. He wasn't sure how to deal with it at first because he didn't know how others would react to his sexuality. He was afraid that people wouldn't accept him for who he was. He kept it a secret for a while until he felt confident to open up about it. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys,
This is an example from the profile where the highlighted parts are from the original paragraph and should really be put together as one sentence. However you've added in my requested changes for expansion on his homosexuality between them and it makes the paragraph very disjointed. So you'll want to read through for any other instances of that and fix them up.

Really the main issue we have right now is the way the profile is written. As currently there are a lot of long sentences that need splitting up and awkward phrasings in parts. It just needs you to go through it and say to yourself "Do I need to use And in this sentence?". If you think it would be better off being split try that. Another thing you could try is reading the profile aloud as this will help you notice any parts that read strangely.

That's about it really. Just a detailed edit of sentence structure and style of phrasing and we should hopefully be good to go! Post here once you've done that and I'll take another look.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
[+] Spoiler
Kimiko Kao - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯
Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
[+] Spoiler
Gray Emerson - "No. We don't follow."
Yasmin "Yaz" Carroll - "I don't really have a plan anymore."
Christopher Harlin - "You can look me in the eyes and shoot me."
Like
Share

Primrosette
Winner
Joined: June 6th, 2015, 2:05 am

October 22nd, 2015, 11:51 am #7

I think I have edited everything. Hopefully I have.
Their Time Is gone wrote:
[+] Spoiler
V6
B030 - Brendan Harte: "F-Family..... Thank you, thank you, t-thank.... you, Alba, Jon...."
G014 - Scarlett McAfee: "I always liked you, y-you know...?"
G044 - Maria Cucinotta (Adopted): "Hah..."
[+] Spoiler
Emmett Bunnell: Artistic Loner
Violet Quinn: Quiet Goth

[+] Spoiler
Travis Levenson: 'Me? Nice? Please! You're being delusional...'
Tia Sullivan: 'This is a complete waste of my time....'
Molly Doe: 'Why don't we just get with the party lovers and have a crazy, wild experience?'
Ravan Sharpe: 'Uh.... H-Hi.'
Like
Share

Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

October 25th, 2015, 2:49 pm #8

Alright Jonathan is still Denied pending edits.
wrote:He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork.
This phrase still hasn't been reworded despite me asking you to do it twice.
wrote:He would really like the guitar
This should say "He really liked the guitar."
wrote:His parents brought him a acoustic guitar which he struggled to play at first and his parents would pay for him to get guitar lessons to help him practice to get better at playing it.
This sentence needs to be split in two.
wrote:Jonathan was first introduced to skateboarding at the age of ten by one of his friends when they went to the skate park to watch the older kids skateboarding and Jonathan thought that it was cool and fun to do.
Should be two sentences.
wrote:Some of his favorite skaters are Russ Howell, Rodney Mullen and Darryl Grogan as he enjoyed seeing what tricks that they did and he wanted to be just like them.
This sentence changes tenses between the beginning and end.
wrote:Jonathan and Lisa had been late from coming back from the skate park
wrote:Jonathan was uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
This sentence needs a comma or semi-colon in it.
wrote: When Jonathan woke up in the hospital a few days later, he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows.
Jonathan waking up a few days later in hospital implies some kind of head/brain trauma which he doesn't have, please fix this wording.
wrote:His favorite subjects are music and P.E.
Fix that and I'll take another look.
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
[+] Spoiler
Kimiko Kao - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯
Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
[+] Spoiler
Gray Emerson - "No. We don't follow."
Yasmin "Yaz" Carroll - "I don't really have a plan anymore."
Christopher Harlin - "You can look me in the eyes and shoot me."
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Primrosette
Winner
Joined: June 6th, 2015, 2:05 am

October 26th, 2015, 12:38 pm #9

I did the edits for you.
Their Time Is gone wrote:
[+] Spoiler
V6
B030 - Brendan Harte: "F-Family..... Thank you, thank you, t-thank.... you, Alba, Jon...."
G014 - Scarlett McAfee: "I always liked you, y-you know...?"
G044 - Maria Cucinotta (Adopted): "Hah..."
[+] Spoiler
Emmett Bunnell: Artistic Loner
Violet Quinn: Quiet Goth

[+] Spoiler
Travis Levenson: 'Me? Nice? Please! You're being delusional...'
Tia Sullivan: 'This is a complete waste of my time....'
Molly Doe: 'Why don't we just get with the party lovers and have a crazy, wild experience?'
Ravan Sharpe: 'Uh.... H-Hi.'
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Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

October 31st, 2015, 5:17 pm #10

APPROVED
Forrest Quin - At the Zoo
Bret Carter - On a date
Aliya Kimia Nemati - In Training
Arizona - Practicing
[+] Spoiler
Kimiko Kao - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯ - ☯
Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
[+] Spoiler
Gray Emerson - "No. We don't follow."
Yasmin "Yaz" Carroll - "I don't really have a plan anymore."
Christopher Harlin - "You can look me in the eyes and shoot me."
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Share