Jason Meyers

Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

March 26th, 2012, 11:12 pm #1

Name: Jason Liam Meyers
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Photography, Soccer, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Appearance: Jason is of average height and weight at 5'10" and 157 lbs, although he has a lean frame. Long, wavy auburn hair hides the small heart-shaped birthmark behind his left ear most of the time. Jason's round green eyes are accentuated by thick eyebrows and the freckles that are splashed across his cheekbones. His eyes seem even more dramatic due to his long, pinched nose and thin lips. Jason's Irish heritage provides him with a pale complexion that is usually clear of acne. His legs are well toned from soccer activities.

Jason doesn't really care what he wears. He can usually be seen wearing a combination of t-shirts or v-necks, jeans or light-colored shorts, and worn-out sneakers. Jason is always seen in his trademark black hoodie and fedora.

Biography: Born in Seattle, Jason Liam Meyers was the only child of Clarissa Cox and Matthew Meyers, a nurse and a police officer, respectively. Since both parents had careers that called for long shifts and odd hours, Jason spent many hours with a babysitter in the family's townhouse while his parents were at work.

A lot of kids who met Jason saw him as funny. He joked and told stories, and often broke into song, although his singing voice was poor. Another defining characteristic is his optimism, which carried on into his adolescence. This is shown by the fact that he always seemed to be smiling. The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it, as he was a 'good person'. He's visited the church regularly his entire life. He got his pacifist trait from seeing violence on the news at night, and believes there wouldn't be a police force if there was no crime in the first place. He didn't know the actual term for pacifism, but he was a pacifist from age 5 onwards.

From the moment he started school, he made friends. It came naturally, to walk up to a kid and start joking and laughing and swapping stories. Jason didn't care about what gender his friends are, as he's friends with boys and girls. Most of the time, he and his friends were joking and talking, and sometimes running around. A loyal and friendly person, it seemed only natural to Jason to walk up to other children and establish a friendship.

One thing that had always fascinated Jason was photographs. He'd spend hours looking through old family albums, admiring the photos of his father as a small child in Germany, and of his mother as a young girl in Ireland. He yearned to have his own camera so he could take pictures.

When he was 10, he finally asked for a camera. His parents told him that he'd have to get the money for himself, hoping to teach their son the value of money. Jason, being only ten, did not really have an exact understanding of how expensive a camera could be. He began to save up and buy the camera himself. He thought that after a few weeks, he would have enough. He started doing chores around the house, then started to sell lemonade. Next, he did chores and odd jobs for the neighbors, such as raking the leaves, mowing the lawn and walking the dog. He realized that these jobs were easy, and required little experience to do them. He'd eventually do them for free, but would do that later on. Finally, he got a camera 3 months later. Not only that, but he became hardworking and willing to help others.

His first camera was a second-hand $30 Instamatic Polaroid camera his parents got off of eBay. Before he ever took a picture, Jason took tips from websites he found on photography. He was awful at first, but steadily got better at it as he learned bout lighting and theme. As he earned more, he slowly upgraded his camera to a digital camera that he got with his own money, because he was now 14, and could do other jobs, like going on errands. As he grew older, he began to sell some of his photos to some classmates for a quarter, allowing more money to slowly flow in. Jason joined the Photography Club at Aurora in his sophomore year, and prefers to take pictures of urban scenes, mostly people going about their day. His parents are glad that he has a hobby, but they sometimes help out with the money.

At age 14, he was deemed responsible enough to get a dog, a pet he'd been wanting for most of his life. He happily chose a male Pomeranian named Ginger. He spent a considerate amount of time with Ginger, and taught him tricks, although Ginger isn't a very athletic dog. He often took Ginger on walks. On these walks, he'd snap a few photos, and upload them when he got home.

He began to realize that he needed another hobby other than photography around 15, so he'd have variety to his hobbies. He started up soccer because it seemed sporty and less 'barbaric' than football, and has been steadily increasing his skill in the game, mainly as a midfielder. Jason's fairly good at it, as he has naturally strong legs and high stamina. He joined the Aurora High School Varsity soccer team in 11th grade. This has allowed him to make some friends, too.

Jason got into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic after watching the first few episodes in the 11th grade. He found out when he saw some My Little Pony pictures floating around the internet, and decided to check it out. It was well-written and already had a large fanbase. He won't admit to being a fan and only watches the show when alone. Despite his precaution, during Christmas Break of his senior year, other classmates became aware that Jason was a 'brony' because he had been careless with his username on several fan sites. Jason had used the name "Jackson Matthews" as a user name, which was the same name he used in all of his jokes. The very few people who found out cut ties with him, but he still has many friends.

Jason and his parents share a healthy bond, even though his parents have odd schedules. The time lost in unusual shifts in work is made up by being together whenever there's time and through text. A lot of time is spent eating out, going to the park, or watching a movie. His parents push him to get a career in one of his hobbies, namely photography, which Jason plans on doing professionally. Jason appreciates his parent's support.

Schoolwork was always hard for Jason. He worked hard to get the average Math and Science and above average LA and Social Studies grades. He's doing excellent in French, and and manages to get passing grades in PE. His current grades are Bs and Cs, and his parents are indifferent to his grades as long as they're above a D. Jason prefers French over most of his other subjects, as learning another language is fascinating. He plans on going to college and finishing his education. He's applied for the Art Institute of Colorado, as it was the first school he found with a decent photography course.

Advantages: Jason is a loyal and friendly person, and he makes friends fast, allowing him to make some alliances.
Disadvantages: He's a pacifist, and won't physically harm anybody. Plus, those very few people who know he's a brony might see him as weak and an easy target.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

March 27th, 2012, 4:28 am #2

Hi, leAloha!

Before we give Jason a full critique, please make sure his profile exactly matches the template. Specifically, no line should be skipped between Advantages and Disadvantages.

Post when you've got that done, and we'll give him a full critique. Thanks!
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Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

March 27th, 2012, 3:25 pm #3

...I did it...
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

March 31st, 2012, 8:15 am #4

Jason Meyers is temporarily DENIED pending adjustments.

There are several tense issues throughout the profile. You often switch from past tense to future tense. For example in this passage, "Jason Liam Meyers was the only child born to nurse Clarissa Cox and policeman Matthew Meyers in Seattle. Throughout his life, he'll live in a small townhouse." , you switch from the past tense in the yellow sentence to future tense in the blue sentence.

Please carefully read through your profile for these type of tense mistakes. It would be a good idea to have another person read over your profile to identify these types of errors. When you are too familiar with your prose, people have a tendency to miss errors like this.

There are also some typos in the profile. You should run the profile through a word processor in order to identify those.

Having covered the technical issues, it's time to move on to the other issues within the profile. One of the biggest issues is that the entire profile is very bare bones and lacking in detail.

Let's go over the rest of the profile section by section.

Hobbies and Interests: Do not abbreviate the title of My Little Pony. It needs to be written out fully.

Appearance: You have a good start, but it needs more detail. What is the shape of Jason's face? What types of eyelashes does Jason have? Are they short and stubby or long and thick? Does he have a thin face or a full face? What about his cheek bones? Are the pronounced or not?

"His long and wavy auburn hair reaches his shoulders and frames his pasty face."

The word "and" is redundant and can be removed, making the sentence, "His long, wavy auburn hair reaches his shoulders."

Also, the blue highlighted portion is highlighted because I'm a little confused about what you're describing. If Jason has hair to his shoulders, it shouldn't really frame his face. Hairstyles that frame a person's face generally have layers cut into the hair so that it, well, frames the face. It is usually not uniform in length. However, if Jason's hair was often worn up in a ponytail, it is not uncommon for hair to slip from the ponytail and frame the face. This also leads to the question: what is Jason's hairstyle? Does he usually wear his hair down? Does he pull it back into a ponytail?

"Jason doesn't really care what he wears. He can usually be seen wearing a combination of these: t-shirts and v-necks of any color except pink, jeans, beige to light-gray shorts, and worn-out sneakers."

If Jason has a color he won't wear, then he does care about what he's wearing. Also, the yellow-highlighted portion is unnecessary to the sentence. "Jason's outfits usually consist of a t-shirt or v-neck shirt, jeans or a light-colored pair of shorts, and a pair of worn-out sneakers."

Biography: "He loved the only 2 people in his life. He loved his parents, as most toddlers do. He also somehow made many short-lived imaginary friends, lasting only a few weeks."

All numbers under 10 should be spelled out. And since 99.9% of toddlers love their parents (as you noted), it does not really need to be noted in the biography. However, your choice of the word 'somehow' in the sentence, "He also somehow made many short-lived imaginary friends..." implies that the speaker is confused as to how imaginary friends come into existance. I strongly recommend removing the word 'somehow' from the sentence.

"From an early age, Jason was already forming a personality. "

Remove this line. In your profile for Veronica, it was explained to you that that sentiment was not appropriate or necessary since all human beings develop a personality from the moment of their birth. Since developing a personality is a unifying thread of humanity, it doesn't need to be mentioned in your profile.

"Anybody who meets this tot will see him as quiet, yet funny."

This is one of those tense issue sentences. Also, why? Why would anyone who met Jason think him to be funny? Is he a natural performer? Does he sing, dance, tumble, or tell jokes or stories? What is it about him that others might find humerous or enjoyable?

"Another defining characteristic is his optimism. The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it."

What optimism? How is this optimism expressed? Is it a trait he's carried into his adolescence since the only mention of him being optimistic occurs when he is a toddler. How have his religious views shaped or influenced this optimism? Is he still active in his church community since, again, the only mention of his religious beliefs comes from his early youth?

"Nobody really knows how he got his vengeful and pacifist traits, but it probably had to do with his father's line of business."

A vengeful pacifist? That is an oxymoron, isn't it? Please elaborate as to how Jason is both vengeful and a pacifist, and explain how those two traits aren't in conflict with each other. Also, why would his father being a police officer make him vengeful?

"From the moment he started school, he made friends. It came naturally, to walk up to a kid and start joking and laughing and swapping stories. He soon became a loyal and friendly person."

What kind of friends? Are his friends predominantly males, females, or a mix of both? What kinds of activites does he enjoy doing with his friends? How did making friends make him friendly and loyal? Isn't loyalty a personality trait and not a conditional trait?

"Sooner or later, he'll ask for his own camera, so he can take pictures like this.

When he was 10, he finally asked. His parents told him that he'd have to get the money for himself, due to the economic situation of the household. Jason didn't understand money, but he was willing to get it himself. He started doing chores around the house, then started to sell lemonade on the sidewalk. Next, he did errands for the neighbors. Finally, he got a camera. Not only that, but he became hardworking and willing to help others. He started a deviantArt account at age 13."

Again, here is another tense issue that is coupled with a tone issue. These two sentences could be combined into a single sentence. "When Jason was 10, he asked his parents for a camera so he could take photographs."

Also, I'm confused as to what economic situation the Meyers family was undergoing. His mother is a nurse and his father is a police officer. Both of these careers tend towards the higher end of the pay scale. Is there a money crunch in the family? If so, please explain their economic situation. If they think he should earn the money for such a big purchase himself, that needs to be explained as well.

Please explain what you mean by the statement "Jason didn't understand money, but he was willing to get it himself." He's 10 years old at this point. Money as a math concept is taught in school beginning in first grade. Even toddlers understand that you need money to purchase things and get what you want. In what way does Jason not understand money?

"Next, he did errands for the neighbors. Finally, he got a camera. Not only that, but he became hardworking and willing to help others. He started a deviantArt account at age 13."

What sort of errands could a 10 year old do? I'm having a hard time picturing parents being okay with their 5th or 6th grader running errands around the neighborhood. I could see him doing small chores like mowing lawns or raking leaves or walking dogs and the like, but I have difficulty seeing him riding off to the drug store to pick up prescriptions and baby diapers.

What kind of camera did he get? When did he get it? How much money did it cost? I would like some details about the camera since it is the foundation of his photography hobby. Does he still have it and use it? Has he upgraded to better equipment for his photography hobby? Have his parents supported this hobby at all now that they see he's dedicated to it? Does Jason have a favorite subject for his photography. I would also like to see this hobby brought up-to-date since the last mention of him doing any photography was when he was 14 years old.

"At age 14, he was deemed responsible enough to get a dog. He happily chose a Pomeranian named Ginger, and began to take it on frequent walks. On these walks, he'd snap a few photos, and upload them hen he got home."

Is Ginger a male or a female? Why did he chose a Pomeranian? Did Jason want a dog? Had he wanted a dog for a long time or was this a family pet that Jason was put in charge of?

"He began to realize that he needed another hobby, other than photography. He started up soccer, and has been steadily increasing his skill in the game. This has opened up to a few friends, too."

Why did he realize he needed another hobby? When did he decide this? How old was he? What made him pick soccer? In what ways have his skills been increasing? What skills? Is he a good dribbler? Does he have a great pass? Is he an aggressive player who goes for the slide whenever possible? What position does he play? Does Jason play on an organized team or are there just pick-up games in the park? If he plays for a team, is it the high school team, a competitive team, or a community team? Also, what do you mean by "has opened up to a few friends"? Do you mean that playing soccer has made Jason more open and friendly or that it has lead to new friendships?

"Jason recently got into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic after watching the first few episodes. He won't openly admit it, and only watches it of nobody but Ginger is nearby."

Okay, each hobby should have at least one paragraph dedicated to it. Jason being a brony has two sentences about it. It needs to be greatly expanded upon. When is "recently"? What is it about the show that appeals to him? How did Jason find the show/become aware of it? Does he have a favorite character? If he only watches it when he is alone and he won't admit to being a brony, how does anyone else know about his love of the show?

"Jason is a loyal and friendly person, and quite the humorist. He made friends fast, and held on to them, as long ad they had a similar faith. He's hardworking, and somewhat quiet."

Again, in what way is Jason a humorous person? Does he do impressions? Does he make lots of jokes? Has his humor ever caused a conflict? Or does he use his humor to deflect negative emotions? Has he ever been punished at school for telling a joke? Besides telling me that he was funny as a toddler, there is absolutely no other mention of his personality or sense of humor anywhere else in the profile.

The same thing goes for this mention of his faith. It comes almost out of the blue. Does Jason quiz people on their religious beliefs before he befriends them? In what way must their beliefs match his in order for them to be friends? Will he only be friends with other Methodists or will any Christian denomination do? Again, is he active in his church? How frequently does he attend? In what way is he a hard worker? How are these traits reflected in his behavior? There needs WAY more detail since it appears to be a defining characteristic.

Also, the last mention of Jason's parents occurred when he was a toddler. How does he get along with them currently? Are they a close-knit family or distant? What is the homelife like?Nursing and law enforcement are fairly stressful careers that often require employees to work unusual shifts. How have his parents' careers impacted their relationship with Jason? Are they absent frequently or have they arranged their schedules to accomodate Jason? Do they do things together as a family to make up for missed time, like go on a yearly vacation or do they shoehorn Jason into their schedules? Because both careers are service careers, what kind of expectations do his parents have for him?

"Schoolwork was always hard for Jason. He didn't know why, but it did. (What does that even mean?) He worked hard to get the average Math and Science and above average LA and Social Studies grades. He's doing excellent in French, and is holding up in PE."

Does Jason have a favorite class? What about a least favorite class? What are his plans for himself after high school? Is he planning on going to a college, technical college, or going out into the work force? What does Jason consider "average" grades? Cs? Bs? What does "holding up in PE" mean? How do his parents feel about his grades? Please add some details and be more specific.


Advantages: Jason can make friends fast, and will find a few good alliances. He can also keep quiet enough to stay hidden. If a friend is killed, he will probably get that person killed by someone else.

How? How can Jason get someone killed? There is no mention of anything in the profile to support this claim. It either needs to be elaborated on in much greater detail in the biography or dropped as an advantage. I recommend dropping it on the grounds that Jason is a pacifist, so it doesn't really make sense for him to go around advocating and leading violence against others.

Disadvantages: He has made a few enemies at school, mainly due to being a brony. He's also a pacifist, and won't physically harm anybody.

How does anyone know he's a brony? You said he only watches the show when he is alone with his dog and denies watching it. Even if others did somehow find out about this, why would this make others his enemies, let alone to the point where someone would want to kill him over it?

I think that should just about cover it. If you have any questions or concerns about the critique, please feel free to PM me.

Once you have made the necessary adjustments, reply to this thread and I will give Jason another going-over.

[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

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Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

March 31st, 2012, 5:48 pm #5

I removed his quiet and vengeance traits and made all the edits
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

April 1st, 2012, 8:42 am #6

You still have tense issues sprinkled throughout the profile. Please carefully go through the profile and fix them.

Also, many of the additional details that I have asked for have not been added to the profile. Specificially, there needs to be additional details about: (Your text is in yellow, mine is in white)

Jason's appearance: A shape of his face is still missing, and there needs to be more information about his facial features. Yes, you have established that he has eyes, nose, and hair. Does he have any distinguishing marks like birthmarks or scars? His cheeks, are they full or thin? Are his cheekbones prominant? What kinds of eyebrows and eyelashes does he have? Is he prone to acne break-outs? If he is, are they severe?

Jason doesn't really care what he wears. He can usually be seen wearing a combination of t-shirts and v-necks of, jeans, light-colored shorts, and worn-out sneakers. All of this is combined with a black hoodie and maybe a gray fedora.

If Jason is wearing a combination of t-shirt AND v-neck AND jeans AND light-colored shorts, then you are telling me he is wearing all of these things at one time. I doubt that is what you mean, so please reconsider the structure of this sentence.

Jason's hobbies:
"He began to realize that he needed another hobby other than photography around 15. He started up soccer because it seemed sporty and less 'barbaric' than football, and has been steadily increasing his skill in the game. He joined the Aurora High School soccer team in 11th grade. This has allowed him to make some friends, too."

AGAIN, I ask you: Why did he realize he needed another hobby? In what ways have his skills been increasing? Is soccer a natural fit for Jason or does he put in extra time practicing to improve his game? What skills have been increasing? Is it just an overall increase or particular skills? Is he a good dribbler? Is he merely an average player who can be put in a variety of spots and do them all equally well? Does he have a good stamina? Does he have a great pass? Is he an aggressive player who goes for the slide whenever possible? Is he a natural goalie? What position does he play? Is he on Varsity or the Junior Varsity team?

"Jason recently got into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic after watching the first few episodes. He won't openly admit it, and only watches it of nobody but Ginger is nearby."

AGAIN, I ask you: When is "recently"? What is it about the show that appeals to him? How did Jason find the show/become aware of it? Does he have a favorite character?


Jason's photography: When he was 10, he finally asked.

Asked for what? This is not an independent clause.

His parents told him that he'd have to get the money for himself, hoping to teach their son values.

What values are they trying to teach him? The value of money? Goal-setting? Delayed gratification?

Jason didn't understand money, as he doesn't know that you get limited and you have to choose wisely on what you spend it on. Anyway, he was willing to get it himself.

This is not tonally correct. The word "you" should not be used. The profile needs to be written as if it were being done by a psychic but bored henchman. So the sentence should read something like, "Jason, being only ten, did not really have an exact understanding of how expensive a camera could be. He decided to save up and buy the camera himself. He thought that after a few weeks, he would have enough."

He started doing chores around the house, then started to sell lemonade on the sidewalk.
'On the sidewalk' is redundant.

Next, he did errands for the neighbors, such as raking the leaves, walking the dog, and such.

Errand - a short and quick trip to accomplish a specific purpose, as to buy something, deliver a package, or convey a message, often for someone else. Jason is not running errands for the neighbors. He is doing chores or odd jobs. Please do not use the word 'errands' to describe what he is doing.

Also, "and such" what? If you are unsure what else is he doing, simply end the sentence after dog. "Jason also raised money for his camera by doing chores and odd jobs for neighbors. He would rake leaves and wash dogs." If you feel this isn't enough, other age-appropriate small jobs for 10-year-olds could include washing cars, mowing lawns, weeding gardens, washing pets, shovelling snow, and cleaning up after pets.

Finally, he got a camera.

WHEN did he get the camera? How long is 'finally'? HOW OLD WAS HE? I NEED AN AGE. How much did it cost?

Not only that, but he became hardworking and willing to help others. He started a deviantArt account at age 13.

Okay, I'm confused. I understand how learning to set and achieve a goal could teach him to be hardworking. What I don't understand is how having to raise the money for his camera taught him to help others. If anything, having to raise his own money seems to me like it should teach someone to be helpful *for pay* since you need the money to get what you want. Please elaborate on how raising the money for his camera made him a more helpful young man.

His first camera was a second-hand Polaroid camera he got off of eBay.

Did he pick the camera out on his own? Also, who bought this camera? Children don’t usually have eBay accounts as they don’t have credit cards or PayPal accounts to pay for stuff. Is it a digital camera or an instamatic?

As he earned more, he slowly upgraded his camera.

To a what did he upgrade? How long did he have the first camera before he upgraded? What did he do with that first camera? Who pays for the upgrades? You mention later in the profile that his parents expect him to become a professional photographer. Does that mean they now pay for his equipment and supplies?

As he grew older, he began to sell some of his photos, allowing more money to flow in. Jason joined the photography club at Aurora, and prefers to take pictures of urban scenes.

Does Jason still do odd jobs to finance his hobby or has he managed to wrangle a job somewhere to pay for his cameras and equipment? When did he sell his first photograph? How did he sell photos? To whom? Photos of what? What do you mean by "urban scenes"? Are they skyline photographs or of people going about their day? Does he specialize in Seattle landmarks or does he like to focus on lesser known spots to try and bring attention to them? How often does he manage to sell his work?

Again, WHEN did Jason join the photography club? Was he a freshman, sophomore, junior, or senior? You need to include information like this.

His parents are glad that he has a hobby, but they mostly keep out of it, to see if their son can make it on his own.

This seems really odd to me, that his parents want to see if Jason can "make it on his own" as a photographer, but later you mention "His parents push him to get a career in one of his hobbies, namely photography." So are they supporting and supportive of his hobby or not? Do they want him to become like a portrait photographer at a studio in the mall? Is it his subject matter they object to? I'm very confused by these conflictin pieces of information.

Speaking of contradictions, there are a couple of other parts of Jason's profile that are in conflict. You mention that as a child, Jason wasn't discriminatory in who he made friends with. But when you discuss his habit of making friends as a teenager, you mention that he is only loyal and friendly to other Christian kids. What changed about him? How does Jason feel about people of other religions?

"Another defining characteristic is his optimism, which carried on into his adolescence."

In what way is this expressed? Please elaborate on his optimism since it’s a defining characteristic of the character.

The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it, as he never has sinned and has a good outlook on life. He's visited the church regularly his entire life.

He’s NEVER sinned? Really? Never? And even though he regularly has attended church his entire life, he thinks that only other Christians are worthy of his friendship and loyalty?

Nobody really knows how he got his pacifist trait, but it probably had to do with his father's line of business, as his dad often talks about the criminals he apprehended trying to hurt his father.

NO. This is completely unacceptable. We do not allow unexplainable aspects to characters. Either find a way to adequate explain the trait or remove it. Also, I'm very confused as to the probably justification of his pacificism. His pacifisim, which is defined as the opposition to war and violence of any kind, isn't an outgrowth of any kind of personal or religious belief, but comes from people trying to hurt his dad? So Jason thinks that if people are trying to hurt his father, his father shouldn't respond with any kind of violence in order to defend himself? How does Jason propose that his father should respond? Has he ever explained his philosophy to his father, and if so, how did his dad respond?

Jason's disadvantages: He's a pacifist, and won't physically harm anybody. Plus, those very few people who know he's a brony might see him as weak and an easy target.

Again, how does ANYONE know Jason is a brony? You said the only living thing around when he watches the show is his dog. Unless is dog is going to school and telling people about Jason's interest, I need it explained in the biography how people would ever know Jason was a brony.

Once you've made all the necessary edits to the profile, post here and I'll give Jason another going-over.
[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

Like
Share

Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

April 1st, 2012, 7:33 pm #7

did it!

By the way, I do notice you usually post these critiques of mine around 3AM in my time zone.
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

April 6th, 2012, 7:26 am #8

Okay, this might be the most expedient way for me to point out the places where you need to adjust profile elements still. I'm just going to add my comments alongside your original text, but my comments will be in yellow.
leAloha wrote:Name: Jason Liam Meyers
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Photography, Soccer, My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic (There should be a space between the colon and the word 'Friendship'.)

Appearance: At 5'10" and 157 lbs, Jason is at what he considers an average height and lean. (What Jason considers an average height is irrelevant. A more tonally correct sentence would be something like "Jason is of average height and weight at 5'10" and 157 lbs, although he has a lean frame.") His long, wavy auburn hair reaches his shoulders. He doesn't usually care how his hair is worn, so it's usually worn down. He has round green eyes with a long, pinched nose nestled in between, and a splash of freckles along the ridge of it. He has some what thin lips. (somewhat should be a single word) He has a birthmark behind his left ear and his cheekbones are low. Jason's eyebrows are thick, and acne is seldom seen. He also has naturally strong legs. (Currently, one of the biggest issues with the profile is its organization. You really should try to keep similar elements together. For example, you talk about Jason's eyes and freckles at the start of his facial description, but then switch to his lips before talking about his cheekbones. Then, after that, you go back to talk about his eyebrows. It affects the flow of the description. You might want to try something more like "Long, wavy auburn hair hides the [big? small? what color? what shape?] birthmark behind his left ear most of the time. Jason's round green eyes are accentuated by thick eyebrows and the freckles that are splashed across his cheekbones. His eyes seem even more dramatic due to his long, pinched nose and thin lips. Jason's [what is his ethnic heritage?] provides him with a [What color? Pale? Tan? Olive colored? Ruddy? Milky?] complexion that is usually clear of acne." Also, all people have naturally strong legs, unless there is something wrong with you. Do you mean that the muscles in his legs are well-defined and toned because of his sports activites?)

Jason doesn't really care what he wears. He can usually be seen wearing a combination of t-shirts or v-necks, jeans or light-colored shorts, and worn-out sneakers. All of this is combined with a black hoodie and maybe a gray fedora. (Again, your choice of words here indicates that Jason is wearing all of this clothing at the same time. A better order to that sentence might be something like, “Jason always pairs these outfits with a black hoodie and a gray fedora.” Or, "Jason is rarely without his trademark black hoodie and gray fedora.")

Biography: Jason Liam Meyers was the only child born to nurse Clarissa Cox and policeman Matthew Meyers in Seattle. Throughout his life, he's lived in a small townhouse.

He has strong ties with his parents, but their working hours usually leave him with a baby sitter. Preferring his parents or kids his age, he mostly ignored the baby sitter and made several imaginary friends.

These two paragraphs are a perfect example of what I mean by keeping similar ideas and concepts together. These first two paragraphs should be combined into a single paragraph. You might want to go with something like, "Born in Seattle, Jason Liam Meyers was the only child of Clarissa Cox and Matthew Meyers, a nurse and a police officer, respectively. Since both parents had careers that called for long shifts and odd hours, Jason spent many hours with a babysitter in the family's townhouse while his parents were at work." Also, babysitter is a compound word. And why is Jason making imaginary friends if he prefers kids his own age and is so good at making actual friends? )


Anybody who meets this tot will see him as funny. He jokes and tells stories, and often breaks into song, although his singing voice is poor. (Here is a tense issue. You went from writing in the past tense in the first paragraph to writing in the present tense here. "Anyone who *met* Jason *saw* him as funny due to his jokes, storytelling, and singing. Since he *was* a small child, they overlooked his poor singing voice.") Another defining characteristic is his optimism, which carried on into his adolescence. The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it, as he doesn't sin often and has a good outlook on life. (What does sinning have to do with being an optimist? I'm not seeing how his religion ties together with his optimism. I need you to spell it out for me, please. And again, this talks about Jason in the past. He is still a very small child at this point of the biography. If this is a trait he brings into is adolescence, I need to know about it in his adolescence. I also need to know how it is expressed in his adolescence, or perhaps, how he expresses his optimism in his artwork, since that would be an excellent way to show his optimistic outlook on life.) He's visited the church regularly his entire life. He got his pacifist trait from seeing violence on the news at night, and believes, by metaphor, there wouldn't be a police force if there was no crime in the first place. (So it's not his devout religious life or regular participation in the Methodist church that led him towards a philosophy of pacificsm, but watching the evening news? How was he introduced to the idea of pacificsm? Also, what does that mean, 'by metaphor'? What metaphor? What two unlike things are being compared without using the words 'like' or 'as'?)

From the moment he started school, he made friends. It came naturally, to walk up to a kid and start joking and laughing and swapping stories.His choice of friends doesn't discriminate, as he's friends with boys and girls. (I again strongly recommend that you go back and rework this paragraph to keep similar ideas together. The first and last sentences of this paragraph should probably be closer together. Something like, "A loyal and friendly person, it seemed only natural to Jason to walk up to other children and establish a friendship." Okay, there should be a space between the punctuation at the end of the second sentence and the start of the third. Also, "His choice of friends doesn't discriminate" makes it sound like his choice of friends is a living thing. You might do better with, "Jason made friends with boys and girls, never discriminating based on gender.") Most of the time, he and his friends are joking and talking, sometimes running around. (Tense issue. Again, you switched to the present tense instead of staying in the past. "Most of the time, he and his friends *were* joking, talking, and running around." He was a loyal and friendly person.

One thing that has always fascinated Jason is photographs. (Tense issue. "One thing that *had* always fascinated Jason *was* photographs." He'd spend hours looking through old family albums, admiring the photos of his father as a small child in Germany, and of his mother as a young girl in Ireland. Sooner or later, he'd ask for his own camera, so he can take pictures like this. (This last sentence is unnecessary since it tonally incorrect with its usage "sooner or later", and it is answered by the next sentence.)

When he was 10, he finally asked for a camera. His parents told him that he'd have to get the money for himself, hoping to teach their son the value of money. "Jason, being only ten, did not really have an exact understanding of how expensive a camera could be. (You were not careful in your cutting and pasting. Please remove the quotation mark.)He decided to save up and buy the camera himself. He thought that after a few weeks, he would have enough. He started doing chores around the house, then started to sell lemonade. Next, he did chores and odd jobs for the neighbors, such as raking the leaves, mowing the lawn and walking the dog. He realized that these jobs seemed 'easy', and he could eventually do these for free. (Why? Would he not need money to pay for his film and to upgrade his camera? I'm just really confused as to why he would initally do these jobs for pay, but then would switch to doing them for free.)Finally, he got a camera 3 months later. Not only that, but he became hardworking and willing to help others. He started a deviantArt account at age 13. (What does Jason opening a deviantArt account have to do with him being hardworking? This should be with a different paragraph.)

His first camera was a second-hand $30 Instamatic Polaroid camera his parents got off of eBay. As he earned more, he slowly upgraded his camera to a digital camera that he got with his own money, because he was now 14, and could do other jobs. (So the odd jobs he was doing he started doing for free because he was such a good and considerate person. So what other jobs was Jason doing to get this money? I need some specifics because unless it is a family-owned business or a student can demonstrate that it is economically necessary for their family, students generally do not get work permits, which are necessary for teenaged employment. Especially since to sell photographs, Jason would need to print them, which means he's buying photo paper and a ton of ink. That's not even taking into account the film for an instamatic camera, which is not cheap. And considering that he's had no training, Jason would probably need to take a lot of photos in order to improve his photography skills.) As he grew older, he began to sell some of his photos, allowing more money to flow in. (AGAIN, I'm asking you: Where did Jason sell these photographs? To whom did he sell them? I don't know too many people who are going to shell out good money to purchase the photos of untrained 14 year olds.) Jason joined the photography club at Aurora in his sophomore year, and prefers to take pictures of urban scenes, mostly people going about their day. His parents are glad that he has a hobby, but they mostly keep out of it financial-wise, to see if their son can make it on his own. (It's a hobby. How does one "make it" when the activity in question is a hobby? If you are trying to "make it" in a professional sense, it's not a hobby any more.)

At age 14, he was deemed responsible enough to get a dog, a pet he's been wanting for most of his life. He happily chose a male Pomeranian (As they were 'cuddly') named Ginger, and began to take it on frequent walks. (Remove the parenthesis, it should not be there. Also, you are still referring to Ginger as an 'it' in that sentence. And that's all he did with the dog? He took him on walks? So responsible Jason did not train his dog in any way, shape, or form? He's made no effort to socialize his dog?) On these walks, he'd snap a few photos, and upload them hen he got home.

He began to realize that he needed another hobby other than photography around 15, so he'll be well-rounded for college.. (You have either mulitple periods or are missing an elipse in that sentence. Also, if photography is to be Jason's career, why would he take time away from practicing in order to be 'well-rounded' for college? Shouldn't he be working on creating a strong portfolio of his photography work to use for college admissions?) He started up soccer because it seemed sporty and less 'barbaric' than football, and has been steadily increasing his skill in the game, mainly as a midfielder. Jason's fairly good at it, as he has naturally strong legs and high stamina. He joined the Aurora High School Varsity soccer team in 11th grade. This has allowed him to make some friends, too.

Jason got into My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic after watching the first few episodes in the 11th grade. (As the title of a show, My Little Pony should be underlined or italicized to set the title off from regular text.) He found out when he saw some My Little Pony pictures floating around the internet, and decided to check it out. It was well-written and already had a large fanbase. He won't openly admit it, and only watches it if nobody but Ginger is nearby, but it got out after Christmas Break in 12th grade when some people poked round the internet and found some accounts on My Little pony sites under Jackson Matthews, a name he uses often when he tells jokes. (This last sentence is a run-on sentence. It needs to be broken up. "He won't admit to being a fan and only watches the show when alone. Despite his precaution, during Christmas Break of his senior year, other classmates became aware that Jason was a 'brony' because he had been careless with his username on several fan sites. Jason had used the name "Jackson Matthews" as a user name, which was the same name he used in all of his jokes.")

Jason is a loyal and friendly person, and often jokes around with his friends whenever there's time. He makes friends fast, and holds on to them. He's hardworking and willing to help out people with errands. He often looks at the bright side of life, always seeing the possibility of the situation turning out well. (This brief summary is better suited to Jason's advantages section than the biography portion of the profile.)

The Meyers family is close-knit. The time lost in unusual shifts in work is made up by being together whenever there's time. A lot of time is spent going out, and visiting relatives if the time allows it. His parents push him to get a career in one of his hobbies, namely photography. Okay, the information here is sparse and needs way more details. In what way are they close-knit if Jason rarely sees his parents? Do they stay in contact with electronic means like text messages and emails? Does Jason go to them first if he has a problem? Does Jason ever resent his parents' work schedules or careers since it takes their time and focus away from him? Do his parents make an effort to get to his soccer games and practices? Also, why doen't his parents support his hobbies, namely photography, if they expect their child to make a career out of it? Does Jason even WANT a career in photography? He seems to be very casual in his interest in it. This does not sound like supportive behavior by close-knit parents to me.)

Schoolwork was always hard for Jason. He worked hard to get the average Math and Science and above average LA and Social Studies grades. He's doing excellent in French, and is holding up in PE. His current grades are Bs and Cs, and his parents are indifferent to his grades as long as they're above a D. Jason prefers French over most of his other subjects, as learning another language is fascinating. He plans on going to college and finishing his education. (Finish his education in what? What is Jason planning on studying? Where would he like to attend?)

Advantages: Jason can make friends fast, and will find a few good alliances.
Disadvantages: He's a pacifist, and won't physically harm anybody. Plus, those very few people who know he's a brony might see him as weak and an easy target.
Hopefully, this will help you better identify the things that need to be fixed up before I can approve Jason and get him on his way into pregame. Again, if you have questions or need clarification, please feel free to PM me.
[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

Like
Share

Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

April 6th, 2012, 2:56 pm #9

Done!
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

April 7th, 2012, 7:55 am #10

Okay, you need to slow down, take some time, and stop rushing through these edits. There are still tense issues in the profile, and now there's typos where you've added information I've asked for. You rushing is not making this profile get approved any faster. It is, in fact, slowing down the process because here I am, having to tell you to fix things still.

Appearance:

"Jason is always seen in his trademark black hoddie (hoodie) and fedora."

Biography:

"Anybody who met this tot saw him as funny. (Okay, here's the thing: Most people find small children amusing. Adults humor them and applaud their attempts at humor and showing of skills simply as a part of socialization. The only way these skills are relevant to Jason is if other children find him amusing and entertaining since they are the people he is trying to impress/form a relationship with.)

"He jokes and tells stories, and often broke into song, although his singing voice was poor." (present tense, present tense, and ... OH, past tense! So close to having the tenses match. Try again. Look for the rest of the tense problems and fix them. Remember: I sang - past tense, I am singing - present tense, I will sing - future tense.)

"Another defining characteristic is his optimism, which carried on into his adolescence. (Again, how does Jason displays this optimism? If I were another kid, how would I know THIS kid is optimistic other than to have Jason go "I'm optimistic!"?)

"The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it, as he doesn't sin often and has a good chance of getting into heaven". (Why would the terrorist writing this profile think or even care about Jason’s chance of getting into heaven?)

"He got his pacifist trait from seeing violence on the news at night, and believes there wouldn't be a police force if there was no crime in the first place. He didn't know the actual term for pacifism, but he was pacifist from that day forward." (From what day forward? The first time he saw the evening news? How old was he?)

"His choice of friends doesn't discriminate, as he's friends with boys and girls." (His choice of friends isn't a sentient being so it can't discriminate. Currently, you are personifiying a trait. I've pointed this out previously. Fix it.)

"loyal and friendly person, it seemed only natural to Jason to walk up to other children and establish a friendship." (You're missing a word here, sport.)

"His parents told him that he'd have to get the money for himself, hoping to teach their son the value of money. Jason, being only ten, did not really have an exact understanding of how expensive a camera could be. He decided to save up and buy the camera himself." (Uh...since his parents refuse to buy him a camera, was there some other way he was going to get a camera if he didn't buy it himself? One of these sentences is redundant. Remove it and rewrite the paragraph so that the whole thing works together. Don't just pull a sentence out.)

"His first camera was a second-hand $30 Instamatic Polaroid camera his parents got off of eBay. As he earned more, he slowly upgraded his camera to a digital camera that he got with his own money, (What money? He’s doing the work for free that he used to get paid for. How is he paying for not only camera supplies like film and ink to prink and photo paper, but he’s still buying upgraded equipment?) because he was now 14, and could do other jobs, like going around the neighborhood." (Going around the neighborhood is not a job. Explain what these other jobs are. Details are your friend. We don't simply handwave things around here. Details and explanations are necessary.) As he grew older, he began to sell some of his photos to some classmates for a quarter, allowing more money to flow in. (If these are instamatic photos, a quarter a piece doesn’t even cover the cost of the film, let alone turn a profit. Digital prints from the photo center of stores like Walmart, Costco, Target, and Kinkos run about 20 cents a picture and may drop to 10 cents when there is a sale. I'm not sure how much money would be 'flowing in'.) Jason joined the photography club (Photography Club is a proper noun and should be capitalized) at Aurora in his sophomore year, and prefers to take pictures of urban scenes, mostly people going about their day. Before he took pictures, Jason took tips from websites he found on photography. (What kind of tips? Does he even need them? You've never ever talked about the quality of Jason's work. What he does well, what he doesn't do so well, what needs improvement, what he has already improved upon...) His parents are glad that he has a hobby, but they mostly keep out of it financial-wise, to see if their son can support himself. (Hobby: an activity or interest pursued for pleasure or relaxation and not as a main occupation. You do not do support yourself on a hobby. If it becomes your job, it is your profession, not a hobby.)

"On these walks, he'd snap a few photos, and upload them hen (typo. I'm willing to bet you were rushing again.) he got home."

"Jason doesn't mind his parent's schedules, as he might be able to watch My Little Pony while they're away. (This sentence should be with the previous paragraph since it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the subject of this paragraph.) The time lost in unusual shifts in work is made up by being together whenever there's time and through text. A lot of time is spent going out, and visiting relatives if the time allows it. (This tells me NOTHING about how he gets along with his parents. I need to know how he feels about his parents and why he feels that way.) His parents push him to get a career in one of his hobbies, namely photography, which Jason plans on doing professionally." (In what ways do they push him since they don’t help him prepare for a career or support his hobby in any way? How does Jason FEEL about them pushing him but not helping him in any way, shape, or form?)

"He's doing excellent in French, and is holding up in PE ." (What does this even mean?)

"He plans on going to college and finishing his education in photography. (What education? What classes or programs has he started? You can't finish something you've never started.)

"He's applied for the Art Institute of Colorado." (Why Colorado? Why this particular program? If his parents refuse to pay for any of his photography stuff on the grounds that they want to see if he can make it on his own, are they going to pay for college or is this something that Jason has to finance all by himself?)

Advantages:

"His optimism might help him not be traumatized." (So a cheery outlook on life would mean it won’t upset him to watch his classmates kill each other? That won’t faze him at all? Yeah, I'm almost positive that optimism doesn't work like that.)

Okay, I think that concludes this round of critique. Again, YOU go and find all the tense issues and fix them. I do not want to have to go through your profile line by line and point them out. It is your responsiblity to find them and fix them. If you need help, ask someone else to read over your profile specifically for that.
[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

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Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

April 7th, 2012, 3:59 pm #11

Edits made...
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
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BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

April 8th, 2012, 5:36 am #12

Okay, there are still tense issues.

"He yearned to have his own camera so he can take pictures."

"He began to realize that he needed another hobby other than photography around 15, so he'll have variety to his hobbies."

"He realized that these jobs seemed 'easy', and he could eventually do these for free because they were simple, but he'd still do them for money for the time being. " <---This sentence is awkwardly written. It needs to be reworded so that it has some flow and is all in the same tense, please.

There are still questions that I have previously asked you that you have not answered. They need to be answered before I can approve the character.

"Before he ever took a picture, Jason took tips from websites he found on photography."

What kind of tips? Does he even need them? You've never ever talked about the quality of Jason's work. What does he do well? What he doesn't do so well? What needs improvement in his photography work? What he has already improved upon?

"As he earned more, he slowly upgraded his camera to a digital camera that he got with his own money, because he was now 14, and could do other jobs, like going around the neighborhood."

Going around the neighborhood is not a job. What other jobs? Obviously not raking leaves, walking dogs, or mowing lawns since he now does those for free. Explain what these other jobs are.

And the new issues:

"Jason didn't care about what gender his fiends are, as he's friends with boys and girls." <-- Typo in the sentence.

"The weekly visits to the local Methodist church only strengthened it, as he didn't sin often." <--- What does sinning have to do with optimism? Also, why would the person observing Jason care whether he sins or not?

"Despite his precaution, during Christmas Break of his senior year, other classmates became aware that Jason was a 'brony' because he had been careless with his username on several fan sites." <-- So? What social consequences did this have for Jason? Were there any? I don't know because you haven't told me.

"A lot of time is spent going out, and visiting relatives if the time allows it." <-- Wait, so are they going out to visit relatives or are they going out to dinner together or are they going out to the movies or some other kind of activity? This needs to be clarified.

You know the drill. Fix and repost, and I'll go over it again.
[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

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Share

Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

April 8th, 2012, 6:15 pm #13

Gah, fiends!
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] Spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] Spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] Spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] Spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] Spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
Like
Share

BetaKnight
Winner
Joined: December 14th, 2008, 9:39 pm

April 9th, 2012, 4:23 am #14

APPROVED
[+] Spoiler



Rebecca Kiesling Girl 50 armed with One Package Sharpie Minis

Iselle Ovalle-Vandermeer Girl 10 armed with Five foot hickory walking stick

Cooper Komorowski Boy 63 armed with WASP knife

Genie Banneman - banned from Senior Trip

Like
Share