Aura
Winner
Aura
Winner
Joined: December 9th, 2011, 6:39 pm

July 31st, 2013, 12:56 am #11

If you have time, I would appreciate if you read Adonis Alba.

[+] spoiler
v5 Characters:

B029- Matt Masters- DECEASED (114/152)

B043- Adonis Alba- DECEASED (124/152)

G051- Stacey Mordetsky- DECEASED (136/152)
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D/N
Contender
Joined: November 10th, 2008, 9:40 pm

August 3rd, 2013, 11:05 pm #12

TIMOTHY ABRAMS

OK, so Timothy starts out the game by meeting up with Michael and Rachael, and they all bond together as horrible nerds (alongside Corey, who I kinda like as the obvious outsider of the group). Timothy's first couple threads were kind of a slog to read. As a character, he comes of as being spergy and a bit annoying, and his dialogue feels stunted. This isn't helped by the fact they they all immediately dive into that old chestnut of a SOTF plotline: "let's look for Friend X!", which, as I think I've written about before, is pretty much the most overused plotline in board history. The obvious twist in the tale comes with Michael's deafness, though, and that might be worth something.

Ah, but thankfully, Friend Daniel ends up dead on day 1, and that improved things immensely. Timothy introducing the idea of lying to Michael about Daniel's death is a new wrinkle that I don't think has ever been explored in SOTF, and while I don't think it's a strong enough narrative hook to support an entire beginning-to-end SOTF story, I'm looking forward to what it leads to. More stuff needs to be introduced to keep me reading Timothy in the future, but I do think that both his character and story have gotten a lot better over the past couple threads.

Character-wise, as I read along I get like a faint sense of nostalgia when I read Timothy, a theme of his thinking of things as they used to be, wishing that they could all be back at Disneyland or at school, that sort of thing, and that ties into his character as a whole -- someone whose driving needs are safety and security. That's a good thing, because a security-oriented character like Timothy can come off as incredibly flat and dull, so my advice would be to keep pressure on him, keep forcing him into situations like lying to protect his friend, and don't let him just fade into the background as "just another guy". He's always in danger of doing that, of having post after post where he merely reacts and states facts in a monotone.

v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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D/N
Contender
Joined: November 10th, 2008, 9:40 pm

August 4th, 2013, 12:02 am #13

CLAIRE MONAGHAN

Like Timothy, one of the things that stuck with me about Claire is that both her character and her story are much improved in her last couple threads as opposed to her first couple. That's obviously a natural extension of both the handler finding their footing in writing the character and the character finding a storyline and goal that's not "wandering around aimlessly", but it's still good to see happen. Because threads like Wisteria Lane, featuring characters and groups staring at, calling out to, or pointing weapons at each other before going their separate ways, are just awful and pointless, even if through no fault of the handlers themselves.

Now, as far as Claire herself goes, as I started out reading her I found myself nearly buried in an avalanche of italicthoughts and references, and that's not a good thing. Again, this got better as I went on, but my biggest advice would be to really think before using either of those. I mean, of course Claire is the filmmaker girl. That's great. But for every reference that makes the reader go "buh?", that's something that keeps us from connecting with her as a character. What are the babies from Uzumaki? Who the hell is Doctor Orpheus? Beats me. Now, references can work even if they're not understood (Claire has a long rambling thought section after the first announcement that's more about her panicking than about the various references she makes at one point, for example), but they shouldn't be popping up twice in every post. And italicthoughts work much the same way. They're like an invisible wall that keeps the character at a distance from us. Since we're already reading them from a perspective that lets us know their thoughts, they're often unnecessary. Most of them can probably be bettered simply by changing "I", "my" and "our" to "She/Claire", "our", and "their", and getting rid of the italics completely.

On to the good things, like I said above, I finally started getting a real sense of who Claire was once she got the hell away from Wisteria Lane and into the hospital. I got a feel for how overwhelmed she felt by everything, and it was one case where the italicthoughts actually worked. I wasn't sure how much the plotline of burying bodies fit her character, but it actually does make sense seeing as how it wasn't her idea, and she only agreed to it because it gave her some sort of goal to work towards, some sense of accomplishment that she'd been looking to find since she first woke up. I don't know how well it'll work out for her in the end, but it makes me at least somewhat interested in finding out. And as Claire discovers, burying bodies isn't exactly a walk in the park. Her dialogue does come off as being too on-the-nose at times, but it's not bad; it certainly can be worked with.

Again, in getting a sense of Claire over her last couple threads, my advice going forward is to keep that up and give us more. Get your hooks into her and let her bleed all over the screen rather than using italics and passive tense to keep her at a distance. There's a lot of potential in her as a character.


v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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Joined: May 22nd, 2012, 9:45 pm

August 4th, 2013, 12:26 am #14

If you are still accepting characters for critique, mind doing Rosemary Michaels?
Version 6
Adelaide Walker-N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: TV on the Radio- Wolf Like Me

Frederick "Rick" Brea- N/A
V6 Pregame: 1-2
Image Song: SOHN- Artifice

Version 5
(G006) Rosemary Michaels- Butterfly Knife: "H-h-heh..."- DECEASED
V5 Game:
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-6 (Return)-9-10-11-12-FINAL



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Aloha
Contender
Joined: January 28th, 2012, 3:16 am

August 5th, 2013, 3:09 am #15

Veronica McDonald, if you please
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald is DEAD and armed with a tire iron (formerly J.R. Rizzolo's) >> "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Current: Left unheard in Dreams Walk on Powerlines

B033: Jason Meyers is DEAD and armed with a Smith & Wesson .357 Revolver >> First one to die is the first one out, even if it's to heaven instead of home.
Current: Went home in In Situ

G049: Natalia "Koala" Kowalski is DEAD and armed with a Tufts 17/23 Dental Explorer, a small metal rod, and an empty syringe >> "J-Joey?"
Current: Dead again in Once Again
[+] spoiler
G003: Bridgette Sommerfeld is DEAD and armed with a toothbrush & toothpaste >> ""You-y-y-y-y-"
Current: Safer than sorry in In This Starless Night (handled by backslash)

B007: Jasper Bustamante is DEAD and unarmed >> "Don't let me die like this."
Current: All alone in Thanatophobia (handled by Cicada Days)

B031: Samuel Howard is DEAD and armed with a crossbow (20 bolts) >> "Fuck you."
Current: Never stood a chance in Into the Veil

~*~

Haley Juarez is ALIVE >> Living life to the fullest
Current: Being immature in Everything You've Always Wanted to Know
[+] spoiler
Alison Bernhiesel is ALIVE >> A born leader
Current: In Transit
Mark Nathan "Nate" Malaqui is ALIVE >> Head in the clouds
Theodore "Teddy" Nunes-White is ALIVE >> Recovering pessimist
Robin Mireles is ALIVE >> Grand slam
[+] spoiler
Karen "Shiloh" Legere >> She's free
[+] spoiler
wrote:[21:51] Zarina: "and then Naft rode Aloha's large purple crab all night long, in a hypothetical future where Aloha is at the age of consent"
[21:51] Zarina: the end
wrote:[19:06] Aloha: Oh jeez one of my ACNL villagers gave me a shirt they were just wearing
[19:06] Aloha: warning me that it was "still warm"
...
[19:09] Aloha: My other ACNL villager just gave me his toilet w h a t
[19:09] Skraal: "It's still warm"
wrote:[00:15] Zarina: I think we're pretty lighthearted for a bunch of people writing about mass murder
wrote:Kyoko Sakura-chan - Today at 5:01 PM
In Hawaiian, Aloha means "Hello" and "Goodbye," the latter of which is appropriate considering how fast his V6 cast died
[+] spoiler
G025: Veronica McDonald by Mimi
B033: Jason Meyers by Mimi (now with a dead version courteous of Naft!)
Two sprites of Bridgette Sommerfeld by Fenris
Two sprites of Jasper Bustamante by Fenris
Open to constructive criticism!
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D/N
Contender
Joined: November 10th, 2008, 9:40 pm

August 26th, 2013, 4:37 am #16

GWEN O'CONNOR

Oddly enough, whereas with the last two charries I read I found myself getting more into them as they went on, I had the sort of opposite reaction with Gwen. I liked her straight away. I liked that she had a voice, I thought that the writing moved well, and I actually liked that she just up and left Alex and Daniel in her first thread because she didn't feel comfortable with them. And I really like that her lumpy, cliched "I MUST SEARCH FOR FRIEND X" plotline quickly moved into the background, because I've already made it clear what I think about those.

But reading though Gwen's threads, my interest in her flagged a bit. She falls in with Michelle and Virgil, decides that their plan is great (at least until she meets up with someone with a better plan), and comes of as something of a third wheel. Her passive nature combined with the posting/writing style makes her fade into the background too much. This can work at times, like after the first announcements when she's all consumed with terror and doesn't give a crap about Michelle and Virgil's argument. I liked that. But after Michelle gives her a hug, Gwen's back to tagging along, cheerleading the plan, and not much has really happened after that, so her plotline seems to be at a standstill right now.

And that's the thing with Gwen; she's so reactive instead of active that her posts come off as a bit uneven. She's consumed by despair because of the announcements, or because Michelle told her Dave took a header. She's disappointed because the others won't go along with the group's mass suicide plan. Her actions never drive a thread forward, outside of maybe a question or statement at the very end. So she's just reacting, in a different way, to what's happened before, with her reactions being spelled out to the reader each time. Gwen's thoughts come off as too blunt or obvious -- we always know what she's thinking and why. With her steadfast belief in Michelle's plan, for example, we can understand that it's mostly a bullshit delusion on Gwen's part, so the narrative doesn't have to make it so obvious.

I guess it comes off as maybe working to have a deep character wrestling with complex issues, and as a result they come out seeming shallow instead. Gwen isn't shallow, and she's had some really good moments, but the attempts to explain her thoughts and feelings often read as trying to hard, like in the cases below:

She stood in the doorway of the bedroom, frozen momentarily with indecision like a river in winter.

She was long-gone, lost in a spiral of terror. She was broken like the wings of a fallen bird, lost as a sad, lonely little lamb in a murky wood, and scared like her youthful self at night listening to her parents fight.


Similes and comparison can work very well, but three in one sentence is pushing it far beyond the pale. And when one falls totally flat, like in the first example (how is a river iced over for months on end frozen "momentarily?") it stops the reader dead. Obviously, this kind of stuff is by no means restricted to one character, but I did notice it on my readthrough here.


ALICE GILMAN

Well, my initial reactions to Alice, according to my notepad, were "lol bitch", and "oh god not Ms. Logical". But don't worry, because being Ms. Logical is not automatically a bad thing. It's just really tough to maintain that character as likeable and readable over several threads. Thankfully, you're not doing a bad job with her, and she's a good combination with Casey and Carlos. But she does fall into some of the traps I really dislike about characters who are supposed to be detached or antisocial, particularly when it comes to dialogue. Far too often, Alice sounds like a robot.

When she talks, it's like she has to repeat or restate everything at least once, at it comes off as grating. For example, all in one post:

- "Guess the owners really didn't want anyone getting in while they were away. Bit excessive."
- "We should look for another way in. Windows, back door, whatever. Don't wanna leave empty handed if we don't have to."
- "Should we just make a break for it? Supplies aren't worth confrontation."


Again, this obviously isn't a unique thing, but I did notice it a lot with Alice. And this repetition does tend to bleed over to her internal narrative as well. Like with Gwen, there's often too much direct explanation of Alice's thoughts, and while I like that said thoughts are detailed and fit her character, there's still a sense of "ok I get what she thinks about Theo, now let's see what she does with those feelings."

It is great that Alice CAN go a lot of different ways and do a lot of different things with those feelings, though. She could be an interesting character to keep an eye on, but I think the delivery needs some tweaking. And to get to my next point, she, Casey, and Carlos seem to be lagging pretty badly timewise when it comes to keeping up with the days and announcements, and that can be an absolutely killer (no pun intended).

-----

RIGHT, of course I never abandoned this. I'll get Mirabella in my next post, and because I'm too damn nice, I'll do Megan and Finn as well. As for the other latecomers, sorry, but I can't reward ya for jumping in after I'd officially said no more. If I do another round of critiques after I'm done the next three, you're free to request them then.






v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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D/N
Contender
Joined: November 10th, 2008, 9:40 pm

August 6th, 2014, 12:33 am #17

HOLY CRAP

MEGAN EMERSON

So I was doing Mirabella, but she's still alive (no its cool >_>) and Megan started at the same time so I figured I'd get her out of the way first. Also since I'm creaky and out of practice.

So, Megan. It's weird with Megan. Jill is a really really good, competent writer and I think it's too bad that Megan wasn't a better character. She had some nice scenes but I never got a true sense of who she was, and then once she met up with Gavin (which is a whoooooooole other kettle of worms this was the first time I'd really read Gavin other than his deathpost and uggghadjskghkfh) what characterization she had built up really takes a hit. One of the problems is that it seemed like Megan was written on one hand as being Gavin's admirer/partner who looked up to him, while on the other hand she was also questioning what the hell was up with him and wavering on joining the meta-mocking of Gavin that was also going on around this time. The end result is that we really wonder what the fuck she sees or ever saw in the goony schmuck, and it hurts her as a character, and she really goes out with a whimper.

Actually, Megan as a whole felt like a disappointing roller coaster, there was a lot of good buildup but the high points fell flat. I really enjoyed her first threads, the relationships she was building, but I thought her killing of Francis was awful, exactly the kind of "accidental" death I hate along the lines of "WHOOPS SNEEZED WHEN I WAS HOLDING THE GUN OH NO". And while The Red Shoes was a bit of a clunky read, Megan meeting up with new kids was kinda fun, but then she lost it with those super-long megapost thread things and a disappointing reunion with Mirabella. She wasn't a bad read by any means, but she's not gonna linger too long in people's memories.

NOW THEN, I'm totally gonna do Mirabella and Finn, and then I dunno maybe even take another few but NO PROMISES.
v6!
G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

v5!
G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

v4!
B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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Ruggahissy
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 10th, 2010, 2:07 am

August 6th, 2014, 5:11 am #18

I demand you do one of mine because you hate my writing and I live off the pain of others

(Jk)

((mostly))
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
- Today at 8:38 PM
imagine this happening in life
and you pissed off a cop and he made you live with some incontinent sodafreak

05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not kill a policeman
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal his helmet
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not defecate in his helmet and mail it to his grieving family.
05:57 NotAFlyingToyYou would not steal it again

17:06 Ruggawork An orison is a prayer
17:07 trash i don't know why i thought it was a bird
17:07 trash who looks at random ass words and thinks "huh what does that mean? whatever it's probably a bird"

14:11 Kalopsia I HEARD FURRIES AND I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.
14:11 Imehal Lovely.
14:11 Imehal Read that again.

20:16Outfoxd I SAID I'M TAKIN IT BACK FROM THE SALTINE ESTABLISHMENT
20:16Meeemz Half the drag queens on Drag Race would beg to differ.
20:16Outfoxd EVERYONE KNOWS ALL DANCE CAME FROM AFRICA
20:17Outfoxd YOU CRACKAS NEED TO PUT SOME CHEESE ON YOSELF AND GO SIT ON A SNACK TRAY SOMEWHERE

21:07craft i
21:07craft am a fan of blowjbs.
21:07craft nods sagely
21:07Rugga ?
21:07Rugga Does that mean you get a lot of them or give a lot?
21:07craft yes
21:07craft wait
21:07Rugga ....



22:31Mimi THATS WHAT I THPGUTH
22:31Mimi THOUGHTU
22:31mudkip MIMI'S TURN
22:31Ruggahissy Thougt
22:31Ruggahissy THOUGHT
22:31Mimi HOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy We got it
22:31Mimi THOUGHT
22:31Ruggahissy WE GOT IT
22:31Mimi we did good
22:32Mimi we're a good team

22:46 Meeemz I love dicks, though
22:46 Meeemz er
22:46 Rugga Sig quote
22:46 NaftUm
22:46 Meeemz dicky characters
22:46 Meeemz GOD NO

19:45 BikrikiI am pretty sure we can built a bridge to jerking off

00:11 Mimi DOESN'T FOAM BREAK EASILY
00:11 Ruggahissy Not if you wrap it in duct tape
00:11 MurderWeasel There's a fiberglass core.
00:12 MurderWeasel And the foam is some special sort you buy directly from another dimension using souls as currency or something.
00:12 Ruggahissy.........

14:42 Bikriki JA! Stick it in ze boot!
14:43 Rugga I LOVE THIS KID
14:43 Bikriki adds that to list of sexual euphemisms
14:43 Skyler_Phone You have a list?
14:43 Bikriki <.<
14:43 Bikriki >.>
14:43 Bikriki No...

Victoria says:
Oh wait, I totally forgot to tell you last night because I was busy whoring
Mimi says:
STORY
OF
MY
LIFE

16:42 KamiKaze I've always wondered what using a fleshlight feels like.
16:42 KamiKaze Too bad I'm not special because God didn't give me a penis. ):

17:46 Dom LET JESUS INTO YOUR HEART, NOT YOUR VAGOO

Ruggahissy this dress makes me feel like I should be having tea with the mad hatter. Not getting felt up by drunk Germans
Dom don't let them go down the rab-
Ruggahissy BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dom SO WORTH IT

09:51 Vicky We did a good job, didn't we, Meemz?
09:51 Mimi not really, no

03:19 GeneralGoose*BUT HE'S GONNA THINK IT'S A SPOON. OR MY PENIS. WHICH IT ISN'T*

23:15 Cluevara ICE CREAM MAKES YOU FAT YOU LARDY LARD BUTT.


[+] spoiler
Jonah Heartsgrave: If you need to talk I'll listen.
Lori Martin: You're so stuck up.
Tirzah Foss: Let's have some fun.
[+] spoiler

v6
Caleb Diamond: Silly sacrificer
Hazel Jung: Abandoned actress
v5
Amaranta Montalvo: Pageant Winner
Michelle Wexler: Vegetarian sweetheart
Paris Ardennes : Scheming holy man

v4
Ethan Kent : The smartest jerk
Sally Connelley: Dainty meanie
Nick LeMonde : Eternal optimist
Isabel Guerra: Sad little girl
Autumn O'Leary: Lonely redhead
Mary-Ann Warren: Crumbling romantic
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

August 6th, 2014, 5:22 am #19

Golly gosh, me too, kay? Your choice.
[+] spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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Ciel
Mr. Danya
Joined: May 26th, 2007, 12:17 am

August 6th, 2014, 5:51 am #20

Instead of shoving a character at you, why don't you print out all of my characters from every version I've played in, on 2x4 notecards, then staple them all together and critique that? Could you do that for me?

(tbh I agree with your opinions and I respect your sass.)
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