Francisco Reyes Lanza

AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
Joined: April 26th, 2011, 4:34 pm

May 29th, 2012, 5:40 pm #1

Name: Francisco "Frank" Reyes Lanza
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Medicine, Ancient Hero Tales, Football, Tattoos.

Appearance: Frank is a slim, taller than average individual. He is visibly toned, although with a little layer of fat. He is 6'1'' tall and weighs 190 pounds. He has slightly tan skin that deepens slightly in the summer months, getting the odd sunburn occasionally. He usually wears his dark brown, curly hair in a rather loose, unkempt manner and cropped short. He has rather bushy eyebrows that are as unkempt as his hair and almost join. His acne has almost completely exceeded, he has a rather prominent square jawline and chin, dark brown sunken eyes, a slightly flat, broad nose. He has rather prominent stubble, a couple of scars in the left side of the jawline and the right eyebrow, and somewhat sharp canines. He has a tattoo of a lance and a crown in his right shoulder, and sometimes black Henna tattoos on both arms.

Frank usually wears plain, if not outright mismatching clothes, which are usually unkempt and have a lack of ironing. He prefers baggy clothes for commodity. His shoe wear of preference are trekking boots, and he gets grumpy if he's not allowed to wear them. He favors sleeveless shirts to show off his tattoos.


Biography: Born to a Spanish couple, a civil engineer José Reyes Carmona and a medic named Sofía Lanza Espinosa, Frank's early years were relatively happy and uneventful until a shortage of work forced both his parents to try luck abroad, seeing a good offer in Seattle. It did not take much to settle down, although the barrier of the language was a bit harsh on the kid initially. His parents resorted to private tutelage in order to help Frank learn English. Several strategies were tried with little success, until the tutor treated Frank to heroic tales, fictional or real. That seemed to get him focused enough to eventually learn the language. His parents by then had settled, his father being involved in the construction of flat apartments and his mother working in a clinic.

Frank's initial school life was a bit more intense than people would care about. Because he was still catching up with the language, he came off as relatively dim, and his pudgy appearance and foreign features were subject of mockery. He did endure it for a time, in no small effort thanks to the example of his concerned mother, whom he grew specially fond of. His father was a less prominent figure, always traveling through the city and almost not having time to pay attention to his own son. Frank found additional consolation on the books of ancient history and heroic tales he could find, which he would then emulate the best he could.

Suffice to say that his classmates were more or less weirded by this fact, a person of odd appearance acting like one of these silly princes of books, helping the girls and trying to get back at the boys, even if he was a bit chubby. His good deeds didn't go unnoticed, and soon an assorted cadre of kids followed him, earning his first friends. Those were good times, in which Frank would go accompanied by a small cadre of equally odd misfits, boys and girls alike. His helpful and friendly nature didn't go unnoticed by some adults, whom he would stop and have a chat by sometimes.

Yet the problem of his weight remained. His mother, concerned by the fact, encouraged Frank to try some sports. The boy's choice was evident. He decided to settle for football, because people in the movies and TV did that sort of thing too. It was soon evident that he was terribly out of shape for the practice, having weight problems and growth spurts, but he didn't quit, even if he was used as laughing stock by the rest of people.

By middle school Frank had a breakthrough, as his body was achieving a more balanced weight. His fitness and strength had improved. His chivalrous attitude also made him a good team player, and while his aptitude for football wasn't among the best, his willingness to shoulder his comrades did not go unnoticed. He became somewhat intoxicated with his newfound athletic aptitude, eventually believing he could solve problems by using his size alone. He became somewhat of a slacker in school, and a brawl seeker. He justified himself that he was keeping the bullies in check, but he was just making things worse for everyone perpetuating the cycle of violence. The teachers were concerned about this. Frank had above average marks up until that moment. His mother was informed. Frank was throughoutly lectured about how easy was to give in to destructive impulses, and put her own work as an example that repairing and mending took far more time than breaking it. The speech seemed to have some effect on the youth, perhaps more than intended, because Frank would become quite fascinated with biology and medicine from that point onwards. It was partly due to the realization that medics could be quite heroic, saving people from the grasp of death. In his eyes, there was a common ground between the chivalry of the past, and the ER teams of today, whose selflessness was remarkable.

And then, tragedy struck. His absent father had risen up well above his station, and he had sought out other kind of companies that could satisfy him besides his hardworking mother. It ended in a divorce. Frank's grades plummeted, and his appearance began to deteriorate. He raged, and became unstable and violent. He would beat up people for so little as supposedly snide remarks. He would cynically confront teachers, and above all, he would share the misery he had with everyone, seeking little comfort as he kept beating up people and cause damage. The situation was unsustainable, as her mother eventually faced economic difficulties in the divorce process. She could barely afford professional help for her son and his problems of attitude. Even so, the situation worsened. While the help was somewhat effective in terms of helping Frank dealing with his anger, it took too much time of the school to get through, and his grades continued staying low. His athletic performance also worsened to the point of becoming a bench warmer.

The situation improved when Frank was 17. The divorce became favorable towards his mother, and she found a new love. His name was Jake Brook, and he was an odd, rash and scary looking fellow who happened to own a tattoo shop. Apparently he had gone through the same situation as Frank, which helped to get through the initial mistrust that the teenager had towards a complete stranger. Frank eventually found that Jake was much more likeable than his appearance, and also a man of strong convictions, even if a bit jaded. He would tell stories of him being a social volunteer, feeding the homeless and helping those who could not stand up. The man impressed Frank so much he would pick up tattoo making as a hobby if only because it would allow him to exchange stories with Jake. He would also attend to Emergency Aid courses, if only because he felt that it would come in handy to help strangers in need, just like both his mother and Jake did.

Frank was able to barely pass to 12th grade, recovering in time. However, his ordeal left a mark in him. Frank became much more cynical with life in general. He now scoffs at subjects like economics and politics. He has a sharp interest in natural science, specially in medicine, and performs rather well on other science subjects, if only to support his future vocation. His overall grades are rather good. He is interested in becoming an ER medic. He also shows disdain for the school's pecking order, choosing not to follow popular people or side with bullies, whom he has little sympathy. His football prowess has also regained the level he once had, and he has started a trend about temporary tattoos in school. He got two permanent tattoos on his eighteenth birthday, a treat from Jake Brook.


Advantages: Frank has witnessed the ugly side of people before, and he's somewhat wary of it. Some people, due to his past hiccups and appearance also tend to misjudge his mental abilities. Being an athlete, he has decent enough stamina and strength. His medical knowledge could come in handy to give emergency treatment to wounds and CPR. His appearance can also be quite intimidating.
Disadvantages: Frank has been less than nice towards people in the past, earning him much resent and untrustworthiness. Due to his appearance and manner of acting, he is unable to make people trust his words easily, and his new found cynicism definitely doesn't help either. If angered, he also has a tendency to push his bodily limits beyond what's reasonable, a circumstance that a savvy opponent would use to whittle him down. He has little patience against those who abuse their power, a fact that can be used to provoke him.
V5 Fresh Meat

Francisco "Frank" Reyes "Well...Damn"
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

May 29th, 2012, 6:13 pm #2

Allllright. Let's try this again. DENIED pending the following edits:

Appearance: Frank is a slim, taller than average individual.He is visibly toned, although with a little layer of fat. He is 6'1'' tall and weighs 190 pounds.He has slightly tan skin that deepens slightly in the summer months, getting the odd sunburn occasionally. He usually wears his dark brown, curly hair in a rather loose, unkempt manner and cropped short. He has rather bushy eyebrows, that are as unkempt as his hair and almost join. His acne has almost completely exceeded, he has a rather prominent square jawline and chin, dark brown sunken eyes, a slightly flat, broad nose. He has rather prominent stubble, a couple of scars in the left side of the jawline and the right eyebrow, and somewhat sharp canines. He has a tattoo of a lance and a crown in his right shoulder, and sometimes black Henna tattoos on both arms. You need spaces between the period that ends a sentence and the sentence that follows. There are still at least two examples in this paragraph alone. There are also a couple commas where commas needn't be (He has rather bushy eyebrows, that are as unkempt as his hair).

Frank usually wears plain, if not outright mismatching clothes, which are usually unkempt and have a lack of ironing. He prefers baggy clothes for commodity. His shoe wear of preference are trekking boots, and he gets grumpy if he's not allowed to wear them. He favors sleeveless shirts to show off his tattoos. Appearance is, aside from aforementioned grammatical bloopers, all set. Just fix punctuation.

Biography: Born to a Spanish couple, a civil engineer José Reyes Carmona and a medic named Sofía Lanza Espinosa, Frank's early years were relatively happy and uneventful, kill this comma until a shortage of work forced both his parents to try luck abroad, seeing a good offer in Seattle. It did not take much to settle down, although the barrier of the language was a bit harsh on the kid initially. His parents resorted to private tutelage in order to help Frank learn English. Several strategies were tried with little success, until the tutor treated Frank to heroic tales, fictional or real. That seemed to get him focused enough to eventually learn the language. His parents by then had settled, his father being involved in the construction of flat apartments, kill this comma and his mother working in a clinic.

Frank's initial school life was a bit more intense than people would care about. Because he was still catching up with the language, he came off as relatively dim, and his pudgy appearance and foreign features were subject of mockery. He did endure it for a time, in no small effort thanks to the example of her I think you meant his concerned mother, whom he grew specially fond of. His father was a less prominent figure, always traveling through the city and almost not having time to pay attention to his own son. Frank found additional console consolation on the books of ancient history and heroic tales he could find, which he would then emulate the best he could.

Suffice to say that his roommates were more or less weirded by this fact, a person of odd appearance acting like one of these silly princes of books, helping the girls and trying to get back at the boys, even if he was a bit chubby. His good deeds didn't go unnoticed, and soon an assorted cadre of kids followed him, earning his first friends. Those were good times, in which Frank would go accompanied by a small cadre of equally odd misfits, boys and girls alike. His helpful and friendly nature didn't go unnoticed by some adults, whom he would stop and have a chat by sometimes. Did you mean 'classmates'? Roommates are typically what you call the people you end up living with at college/university. He's still in elementary school. It would seem I didn't catch this error before, but no matter; I've caught it this time while there's still old ones to take care of, so no time wasted on your part.

Yet the problem of his weight remained. His mother, concerned by the fact, encouraged Frank to try some sports. The boy's choice was evident. He decided to settle for football, because people in the movies and TV did that sort of thing too. ... Odd reasoning, but okay. He's young. Sure. It was soon evident that he was terribly out of shape for the practice, having weight problems and growth spurs spurts, but he didn't quit, even if he was used as laughing stock by the rest of people.

By middle school Frank had a breakthrough, as his body was achieving a more balanced weight. His fitness and strength had improved. His chivalrous attitude also made him a good team player, and while his aptitude for football wasn't among the best, his willingness to shoulder his comrades did not go unnoticed. He became somewhat intoxicated with it with... what? His chivalrous attitude? It wasn't clear what you were referring to immediately, eventually believing he could solve problems by using his size alone. He became somewhat of an just 'a', not 'an' slacker in school, and a brawl seeker. He justified himself that he was keeping the bullies in check, but he was just making things worse for everyone perpetuating the cycle of violence.The teachers were concerned about this. Frank had above average marks up until that moment. His mother was informed. Frank was throughoutly lectured, kill this comma about how easy was to give in to destructive impulses, and put her own work as an example that repairing and mending took far more time than breaking it. The speech seemed to have some effect on the youth, perhaps more than intended, because Frank would become quite fascinated with biology and medicine from that point onwards. It was partly due to the realization that medics could be quite heroic, saving people from the grasp of death. In his eyes, there was a common ground between the chivalry of the past, and the ER teams of today, whose selflessness was remarkable. Okay, you have a better tie in to the medic thing. This is good.

And then, tragedy struck. His absent father had risen up well above his station, and he had sought out other kind of companies that could satisfy him besides his hardworking mother. It ended in a divorce. Frank's grades plummeted, and his appearance began to deteriorate. He raged, and became unstable and violent. He would beat up people for so little as supposedly snide remarks. He would cynically confront teachers, and above all, he would share the misery he had with everyone, seeking little comfort as he kept beating up people and cause damage. The situation was unsustainable, as her mother eventually faced economic difficulties in the divorce process. She could barely afford professional help for her son and his problems of attitude. Even so, the situation worsened. While the help was somewhat effective in terms of helping Frank dealing with his anger, it took too much time of the school to get through, and his grades continued staying low. His athletic performance also worsened to the point of becoming a bench warmer.

The situation improved when Frank was 17. Apparently, the divorce came favorable towards his mother, and she found a new love. Tonal issue. Speak in a factual matter, don't use 'apparently'. Also, you might want to use 'became', not 'came' His name was Jake Brook, and he was an odd, rash and scary looking fellow who happened to own a tattoo shop. Apparently he had gone through the same situation as Frank, which helped to get through the initial mistrust that the teenager had towards a complete stranger. Frank eventually found that Jake was much more likeable than his appearance, and also a man of strong convictions, even if a bit jaded. He would tell stories of him being a social volunteer, feeding the homeless and helping those who could not stand up. The man impressed Frank so much he would pick up tattoo making as a hobby if only because it would allow him to exchange stories with Jake. He would also attend to Emergency Aid courses, if only because he felt that it would come in handy to help strangers in need, just like both his mother and Jake did.

Frank was able to barely pass to 12th grade, recovering in time. However, his ordeal left a mark in him. Frank became much more cynical with life in general. He now scoffs at subjects like economics and Politics, even if he retains his liking of science, and medicine in particular. Up until this point, we don't really see too much of his supposed liking of science. Medicine is covered at least, and his goal is set. Still, this here is a more subtle bit of criticism in which I would like to see Frank's scholastic interests rounded out. Take this is a positive sign; when I get this touchy, it generally means we got past most of the big problems. He is specially interested in becoming an ER medic. He also shows disdain for the school's pecking order, choosing not to follow popular people or side with bullies, whom he has little sympathy. His football prowess has also regained the level he once had, and he has started a trend about temporary tattoos in school. He has remove the word 'has' to reduce clunkiness got two permanent tattoos on his eighteenth birthday, a treat from Jake Brook.

Advantages: Frank has witnessed people's ugly side before, and he's somewhat wary of it. Some people, due to his past hiccups and appearance also tend to misjudge his mental abilities. Being an athlete, he has decent enough stamina and strength. His medical knowledge could come in handy to give emergency treatment to wounds and CPR. His appearance can also be quite intimidating.
Disadvantages: Frank has been less than nice towards people in the past, earning him much resent and untrustworthiness. Due to his appearance and manner of acting, he is unable to make people trust his words easily, and his newfound cynicism definitely doesn't help either. If angered, he also has a tendency to push his bodily limits beyond what's reasonable, a circumstance that a savvy opponent would use to whittle him down. He has little patience against those who abuse their power, a fact that can be used to provoke him. Nothing I feel like denying for at the moment in this section, but watch the phrasing of the first sentence in Advantages. Of note, "people's ugly side". You go from plural to singular, so you might want to revise it to 'people's ugly sides' or 'the ugly side of people'.
[+] Spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] Spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] Spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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AtomicVandal
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AtomicVandal
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Joined: April 26th, 2011, 4:34 pm

May 29th, 2012, 6:56 pm #3

Edited. Hope this time it works better.
V5 Fresh Meat

Francisco "Frank" Reyes "Well...Damn"
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

May 30th, 2012, 2:39 am #4

DENIED pending a few minor edits. You're almost there, but you still miss some of my notes in orange and you really gotta pay attention to these. Here's what you have left to fix:

In the appearances section, with the sentence about his eyebrows? Remove that comma. Please.

In the 'the divorce came favorable' sentence, change that 'came' to 'became'. Please.

The line about academics actually got a bit worse. You say he 'retained his love for' certain subjects that we really never knew he liked in the first place. All you had to do was, like you said in chat, rephrase that bit about the sciences. It looks like you've done that part as well, but I want to see that section nice and ironed out before this thing is approved.
[+] Spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] Spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] Spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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Share

AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
Joined: April 26th, 2011, 4:34 pm

May 30th, 2012, 5:05 am #5

Quick edit. I thought I had hunted down the came typo, though. My apologies.

Edit: I had a small detail that bugged me, and I added it.
V5 Fresh Meat

Francisco "Frank" Reyes "Well...Damn"
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

May 30th, 2012, 5:21 pm #6

DENIED

"He now scoffs at subjects like economics and Politics. He has a sharp interest in natural science, specially in medicine, and performs rather well on other science subjects, if only to support his future vocation.His overall grades are rather good."

Politics shouldn't be capitalized. There needs to be a space between those last two sentences.

I think this is literally the last thing I can possibly nitpick, but before this becomes accepted, what detail did you decide to add? I need to know these things.
[+] Spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] Spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] Spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
Like
Share

AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
AtomicVandal
Cannon Fodder
Joined: April 26th, 2011, 4:34 pm

May 30th, 2012, 6:07 pm #7

Edited

I just added this sentence at the end:

"His overall grades are rather good."
V5 Fresh Meat

Francisco "Frank" Reyes "Well...Damn"
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

May 30th, 2012, 6:17 pm #8

Alright then.

APPROVED
[+] Spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] Spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] Spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
Like
Share