Espi Reads: V5

This is the critique board, suggested by Outfoxd. Come here to request critiques and critique the work of others. The goal of this board is to be a respectful environment conducive to the improvement of writing skills.
Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

June 24th, 2014, 5:37 pm #11

My thoughts on Ami Flynn:

I think Ami's a really interesting character. From a writing standpoint, I think Ciel's done a really good job on giving her this clear-cut identity while also making her subject to change and variation, which I appreciate. I really like the motifs of certain phrases (hindsight 20/20) being repeated at key times as well.

As for her story, I think Ami's got a really interesting one. From being this sort of protectorate under Ruby's care to being Mira's protector to taking her own life into her hands (or trying to) by planning suicide. I really like how her narrative is so self-loathing, especially after she kills Sara. Killing was also handled very nicely because it stays a huge part of her story and her mental health's degrading can be attributed to this action. She kills someone and it continues to affect her, which is awesome.

Ami's a really interesting person and I just find her thought process to be fascinating. She's a really unique person and I'm enthralled by her decisions, and her backstory and history is a lot more built-up and important to her than you might think. Overall, I strongly enjoyed Ami and would recommend her to anyone.

Next up is Venice by Persy.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

June 25th, 2014, 2:08 am #12

Venice is done.

So this is probably gonna be way shorter than Ami because Venice is...way shorter than Ami. I think she'd have really benefited from a longer story and a more dynamic situation. She rescues Amy, plays Clue and is shot, and that's about it. Her death was kind of disappointing, because I think a more violent and/or drawn-out situation would've benefited Venice just by breaking her into the island rather than nothing really dangerous until her death. It just doesn't click with me, personally.

Of course, that's not really your fault, so Venice I'd rank pretty well for an early character aside from dying too early to do much which you can't control.

NEXT UP ALICE GILMAN WHICH WILL PROBABLY TAKE A COUPLE DAYS
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

June 26th, 2014, 6:52 pm #13

Alice Gilman, I think, had a really strong voice. She was pragmatic and logical without being robotic or stiff. She was still a human being, just a smart one. I really appreciated the chemistry in her group; it was a little stiff at the start, but I really felt that bond that formed between the three, and Alice's despair at times was very relatable without being over-the-top or excessive, since it came in enough to be a notable trait without being her dominant personality point. I think her story was pretty good; she avoided danger for the most part, so it really became more about her relationships, which I think were all very solid. I also appreciate that as soon as she tries to play the hero and steps out of her role she's killed.

Overall, I really liked Alice.

ON TO MIRABELLA (who will take at least a few days fair warning)

Also, as soon as I finish Bella and Maddie, I'll reopen the queue for five new kids.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

June 29th, 2014, 11:37 pm #14

Finished Mirabella.

She's quite interesting. I feel like the common perception that she improves significantly is not entirely inaccurate; as the game goes on and she becomes less and less stable, her voice and personality become very cohesive, and I think her breakdown is fascinating, especially compared to the far more subdued Bella we see early on. Not to say that Bella was ever bad! Her attempts to hold it together prove interesting conflict in and of themselves, and it sets a good base point for her breakdown. My one issue is with the participation in the escape, if only due to the principle of the thing; Bella's desire to escape works okay, I just dislike the execution of the escape overall. Still, I enjoyed her a fair bit!

After I critique Maddie, I'll open my queue for five new kids.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

June 30th, 2014, 12:51 am #15

Madeline is an interesting character. I like how distinctive her voice is, and I think she's got a really interesting enemy in herself; she's not entirely unjustified in her questioning of her actions, having robbed a girl and later murdered two people. She's still very sympathetic though, and I think her interactions with RJ bolstered that a lot. I think Maddie's a very interesting person who's really unique as a not-quite-hero but not quite a villain, being in a shade of gray that gives her a lot of potential choices.

Queue is now open for new critiques! I'll be taking 5 once again, then closing up shop for a bit.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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backslash
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 22nd, 2013, 1:59 am

June 30th, 2014, 12:53 am #16

Hrm, if you're open again, would you mind critiquing Natali Greer?
"Art enriches the community, Steve, no less than a pulsing fire hose, or a fireman beating down a blazing door. So what if we're drawing a nude man? So what if all we ever draw is a nude man, or the same nude man over and over in all sorts of provocative positions? Context, not content! Process, not subject! Don't be so gauche, Steve, it's beneath you."
[+] spoiler
V5:
G063 Natali Greer was just unlucky.
B047 Marcus Leung lost his way. (Adopted from Solomir.)

V6:
B001 Min-jae Parker is locked away.
B021 Crist?bal Morales let his guard down.
G017 Raina Rose got washed away.
G003 Bridgette Sommerfeld got a shock. (Adopted from Aloha.)
G029 Georgia Lee Day went home. (Adopted from frogue.)
Nathan Lovegrove was left behind.

V7 Pregame:
Myles Roux is considering his options.
Dolores Upton is exploring the past.
Andy Silverman is balling out.
Siyanda Nagi is on the run.
Mercy Ames is passing judgment.
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler

[+] spoiler
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Pippin
Winner
Joined: December 18th, 2010, 11:57 pm

June 30th, 2014, 12:55 am #17

Given that this filled up instantaneously last time, gonna sneak a request in as soon as possible
I'd love to see your critique of Owen Kay!
[+] spoiler
Lyra Doyle-Let's live tonight like fireflies, and one by one light up the sky Land Ho
Current Thread: Lo Mein Event - ?Whatever you need, I've got you covered!?
Katie Agustien-If you wanna start a fight, you better throw the first punch, make it a good one Bastille
Current Thread: he let me set fire to a fleet of ships when no-one else would - ?Maybe we can trade. I get to watch you dance, you get to watch me work out.?
Stepney Cruz-I'm taking back the crown, I'm all dressed up and naked, I see what's mine and take it Memes
Current Thread: Clinging to Loss - ?Didja know this place is supposed to be haunted??
Dean Puchero - By July you'd made a whole bunch of brand new friends, people you used to look down on, and you'd figured out a way to make real money Keane
Current Thread: Generation Loss - ?Oh, and hey, don?t worry ?bout earlier, it?s all cool. I think you?d probably have been hurt worse than me if we?d collided, anyways.?
Aurelien Valter-It's deep in their bones, they'll run into smoke when the fire is fierce Football
Current Thread: I'M A SHARK, I'M A SHAAARK, SUCK MY DIIIIICK, I'M A SHAAARK - ?Goodbye, friend. I will miss you.?
[+] spoiler
[+] spoiler
V4!
George Leidman (Adopted from Blastinus)
Current location-Paint it Black-DECEASED-Neck broken by Maxwell Lombardi
Weapons-Wallet with German marks, Yatagan, guitar, Savage Model 1907 (.32 ACP)

V5!
B004-Owen Kay-?I don?t... don?t want to die...?-Weapons: Table Leg, Rusty Golf Club-Never Truly Had A Chance
Location: Finally finished in A Human Work

G041-Amy Bachelor-Mike, I... I don?t want to--Weapon: Blackjack-Can't Live On Hope Alone
Location: So near, and yet so very, very far in Hollow Stars

B024-Francis St. Ledger-?Megan, just... just fuckin? listen to me.?-Weapon: Insulated Blanket-Crossed The Line
Location: Made the wrong choice in The Real Folk Blues

V6!

G021-Mia Rose-You can't understand that I won't leave 'til we're finished here, and then you'll find out where it all went wrong
Died in: Elapsam Semel Occasionem Non Ipse Potest Iuppiter Reprehendere
Weapon: Uzi-Pro

G034-Astrid Tate-So what became of loving man, and what became of you?
Died in: End of the Line
Weapon: Pickaxe

G006-Bryony Adams-Burning bright until the end, now you'll be missing from the photographs
Died in: eternitybox
Current Weapon: Deck of playing cards, broken easel leg.
[+] spoiler

Owen, Francis and Amy, all by Mimi

Amy Bachelor, by Violent-Medic

Owen Kay, by Un-Persona

Amy Bachelor, by Mimi

Amy Bachelor, by TurtleTyrant
[+] spoiler
Garren Mortimer-Now you can't get mad, I'm only getting started, I won't blackout
[+] spoiler
Beatrice Briggs and Timothy "Tim" Karim
Nothing In My Way Pippi Fontaine-I'll float on endlessly, senses eluding me, this long horizon to this open sea.
Jamie Mittelman-We will meet you where the lights are, the defenders, of the faith we are
Clover Crescent-Why would I waste another day whilst life just passes by?
Castlevania Ada Bentley-Save your cheers and my applause, I never was worth fighting for
Richard Potter-But if I had one chance to freeze time, and stand still and soak in everything, I'd choose right now
Kerry Gray-We'll finish what we started, so promise me that we'll be the Lionhearted
Marshall Nichols-Maybe that's how books get written, maybe that's why songs get sung, maybe we are the unlucky ones
Gregory "Greg" Gateshead-Built an empire of sound, as the bridges were falling down
Candice Bailey-I feel I can fly, I'm on 678 cloud 9, and ain't nothin gonna stop me
Patty English-We're all in the same boat, staying afloat for the moment
Ophelia Wright-If you're dreaming what I'm dreaming, close your eyes and feel at home
Marina-Cassandra Gro?-And we will never be alone again, 'cause it doesn't happen every day
Boyd Adkinson - And the lights, they glow, like I just lost the world war, and the scene slips away to the evenness I fake
"bryony and alba would definitely join the terrorists quote me on this put this quote in signatures put it in history books" - Cicada Days, 2017
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Flare
Contender
Joined: September 11th, 2010, 1:32 am

June 30th, 2014, 12:56 am #18

If you could critique Jack McDonald, that'd be nice.
V5 Characters:

Jack McDonald is a SELF-INSERT YAY.
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Badb
Mr. Danya
Joined: February 16th, 2009, 8:51 pm

June 30th, 2014, 12:59 am #19

critique zoe leverett thank you
V5:
B035 - [color=EF98AA]Ray Gilbert[/color] - DECEASED - Guy Fawkes Mask - Too Far Gone
G029 - Zoe Leverett - DECEASED - Machete - To Really Be Alone, To Pick At All the Bones
[/spoiler]
wrote:[18:10] <Laurels> WWJD? Fuck corpses, apparently
wrote:[15:16] <Naft> My college once nearly burned down because someone tried to make a bong out of dollar bills and the fire alarm didn't work
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VysePresident
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 7th, 2012, 10:55 pm

June 30th, 2014, 1:20 am #20

Ian Williams, please?
Constructive criticism is always welcome! Feel free to send me a PM if you have any pointers or feedback you'd like to share!
Character #1: Boy #37 Ian Williams - Now with 55% less self-insert.
Designated Weapon: Polaroid Instant Camera With Film (Enough for 8 photographs)

Past - | 1 | 2 | (Current thread - Birds of a Feather)
Pregame - None
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (Final Thread - Glass
)
Character #2: Boy #66 Chase Rodriguez - Adopted from Pippin.
Designated Weapon: Silver Pill Box Containing Three Cyanide Capsules

Past - None
Pregame - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | (Last seen in - Diversions)
Island - | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | (Final Thread - Drawing to an End)
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