Emma Luz

KamiKaze
Winner
Joined: July 27th, 2009, 7:44 pm

November 12th, 2015, 7:14 pm #1

Name: Emma Aguilar Luz
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Student council, school spirit, reading, studying, first aid and medicine, camping, health and fitness, piano

Appearance: Emma has dark brown hair, that she consistently tries to keep good care of. She has grown it down to her shoulder blades, and usually ties it back into a high ponytail with a fringe loose and framing her face. Sometimes, though, she would experiment with it, such as putting it in a sidebraid or a half-up style. The texture is wavy and on the thicker side.

Emma is, on both sides of her family, a mixture of Spanish and Native American. Her skin-tone is lightly tanned with an olive tint, with light freckles dotting her arms and across her face. Emma has hooded hazel eyes, angled eyebrows, an upturned nose, and bowed lips on her rounded face. She likes to wear makeup when not exercising, and prefers subtle pink shades and black eyeliner. Because of vision problems, she has been wearing glasses since elementary school. Her current pair has red cat's eye frames. During warmer weather she wears clip on sunglasses. Both of her ears are pierced, and she has a preference for small studded earrings.

Emma is 5'2 and 170 pounds. While Emma has tried to keep her weight down through healthy eating and regular exercise she still has a bit of pudge. Much of it is visible in her thighs and hips. When the topic comes up, she feels self-conscious about it. Similarly, Emma is self-conscious about her chest. Since puberty she has been on the busty side, and feels that it makes finding clothes that fit or don't emphasize it awkward. As a result, when she was younger she would try to find clothes that don't emphasize these features. More recently she has come to terms with her appearance, and while she's still self-conscious she doesn't mind wearing shorts and tanks as much as she used to.

When not exercising, Emma prefers loose flowing skirts, along with t-shirts. She has a fondness for brighter, more colorful shades. Since junior year she has been wearing a purple and gold beaded medical alert bracelet on her left wrist. The stainless steel tag is engraved with her name, condition of narcolepsy with cataplexy, and both of her parent's cellphone numbers on the inside. During school events or when she wants to show off school spirit she wears red and gold outfits. Her favorite jacket is a loose, light-fabric cardigan that someone bought for her. It is red, with the school's mascot and "COYOTES" in bold yellow font on the back. She also likes to wear ribbons with her ponytail and paint her nails for special occasions. During spirit events she wears school colors, however, she has worn a black ribbon during National Sleep Awareness Week. Emma also likes to wear thick belts, to give herself more of a waistline. A small black fitness tracker is usually attached to the side of her belts. She has a fondness for boots, and her current favorite is a pair of brown cowboy boots with red stitching.

Biography: Emma comes from the Luz family, which had been in Kingman for generations. Emma's grandfather, Gregory Luz, earned a significant amount of money working as a mechanic for Ford Motor. He, along with his wife Avee, had eight children, Emma's father Tomás being the third eldest. As his children grew older, they purchased land nearby the house they grew up in, and began a small neighborhood in the area. Hence, Emma grew up with her extended family as her neighbors. She also has a sister, Sabrina, who's about a year younger.

Like some of the other Luz family members, Emma's parents identify as preppers. Gregory had made it a goal to be able to sustain himself and his family as much as possible after the Depression. Both Tomás and his wife, Lucia Aguilar, understand how much Gregory had dedicated to keeping the family afloat. They also felt like they wanted to be able to sustain themselves if a crisis occurs. As such, they made it a point to prepare for potential crises as much as possible. For example, they tend to keep non-perishables stored inside the house, invested in a portable backup generator, own a chicken coop, and have their own vegetable garden. Tomás works as an electrician under the business name "Luz Electric". Lucia, meanwhile works in the Human Resources department of the county office.

Growing up, Emma was an extroverted child. She was often curious about other people, and had a habit of asking them questions to learn more about them. She liked reading, and going to school to be with her friends. Once she got home she excitedly talked about what she had learned that day. From a young age she was interested in science, and enjoyed learning about various ways the world around her worked. One of her fond memories was when her teachers would pull out a video of Bill Nye the Science Guy. She also enjoyed her class raising butterflies, as well as squid dissection.

Emma started having night terrors around first grade. She would sometimes wake everyone up in the house by screaming in her sleep. She had a hard time getting out of bed, still not feeling energized enough, so her parents on occasion had to wake her up in the morning. On these days she would take longer to fully feel awake as she got ready for the day. When her parents brought it up during regular check-ups, the doctor felt it was harmless. Most children who had night terrors, he said, grow out of them. Emma kept her stress down and went to bed at an appropriate time. While her parents were already making sure she went to bed, they kept an eye on her as she prepared to go to sleep. Emma's night terrors lessened over time, until they had almost completely stopped by fourth grade. She still felt episodes of drowsiness from time to time, but she was able to pull herself out of bed more easily.

Emma's parents often organized camping trips as she was growing up. They liked camping as a hobby, and wanted to take their children out with them on trips. Being a curious child, Emma enjoyed spending the night in the wilderness. During these camping trips they would often provide Emma with information on what to do if she was lost. Most of the things they taught her were pretty simple, such as knowing how to contact a park ranger. As she grew older, Emma learned other things about camping, for example, while she is still hesitant to, she knows how to start a fire, as well as filter water.

In second grade, Emma also started becoming interested in first aid. What inspired her interest was when her parents gave her a book on the topic that was simple for children to understand. They had hoped that it would help if she knew basic first first aid in case something happened. Emma loved the book, and read it often. She took it everywhere, and often showed her classmates pictures from it because she found it fascinating. Sometimes she would get worried about whether or not people around her could have an emergency like what was described in the book. However, learning about first aid comforted her, since she would have an idea what to do if someone got hurt. From that point onward, Emma began an interest in the topic of medicine. She liked to read books and watch shows about the human body, and asked questions about doctors. Her parents didn't anticipate her becoming so interested in medicine, but they were willing to help her pursue her interest further. Her burgeoning interest in the human body, first aid, and helping people with their health problems lead her to want to become a doctor.

Around this time, Emma's parents also enrolled her in piano classes, which she adored. Lucia had played piano at home, and Emma loved learning how to play the piano like her. Emma did a fair amount of recitals throughout elementary school. She was also involved with her school orchestra. On her tenth birthday she received her own keyboard for her to practice in her room. It has remained one of her prized possessions. Aside from traditional classical arrangements. Emma likes to learn how to play recent pop songs on the piano, and enjoys playing them when she has the chance. Some of the songs she has learned how to play include Mystery Skulls' "Ghost", Coldplay's "Yellow", the Star Wars theme, and, most recently, Taylor Swift's "Style". She learns how to play new songs either with sheet music, or by being taught by others. Emma enjoys playing the piano because she likes being able to play music, and she feels it helps with stimulating her brain and relieving stress.

When she was ten years old, Emma was diagnosed with myopia. Because of her vision problems, she was given prescription lenses. At first she found them clunky and embarrassing, but she got used to them. While she has tried wearing contacts, she prefers wearing her glasses. She is more used to wearing them, and likes how they feel on her face.

As a student, Emma has always participated in school spirit events. At first it was because she found theme days and school events fun, but as she got older she loved supporting her school any way she can. Her elementary school had a student council system, and starting from fifth grade, she started running for positions. For Emma, it was less to do with having a position of power and more to do with helping her classmates. By junior high, Emma usually participated directly in spirit events, sometimes working at a game booth, while other times she would help with decorations. She found the act of helping her school with events fulfilling.

Emma began to have health problems starting from late 8th grade. Growing up she had always been a little drowsy, but as she finished middle school she had trouble staying awake. Because she often felt so exhausted she had a hard time paying attention to the lectures. Conversely, she was often unable to sleep at night. She would often find herself waking up in the middle of the night, and would have a hard time going back to sleep. At first, Emma and her parents assumed it was stress from entering high school. Around this time Emma also began having recurring nightmares. They featured her, trapped and unable to move inside her own bed, with the feeling that something was in the room with her. Sometimes she would see that something actually was in the room with her, such as a monster or person. Whenever she had them, it terrified her. They were often vivid, to the point where she wondered if she was losing her mind. For this reason, she never told anyone, out of fear of what they would think.

On December of Freshman year, Emma collapsed on campus. She had been laughing at a friend's joke during lunch, only to suddenly fall to the ground. While to everyone else she appeared unconscious, she was in fact aware, but unable to move. It lasted for only a minute, but it was still terrifying for both her and anyone watching. Shortly after, the school staff called Lucia about what had happened, and asked her to pick her up from school. Lucia scheduled an emergency doctor's appointment, to make sure Emma wasn't sick.

After hearing about her symptoms, the doctor said that Emma may have had a sleep disorder. The nightmares were likely, in actuality, episodes of sleep paralysis. She was awake, but her body believed she was still dreaming. It wasn't at all unusual for people with sleep paralysis to experience vivid, often frightening hallucinations during episodes. The collapse sounded like an episode of cataplexy, a symptom associated with narcolepsy. When someone experiences it, they have temporary paralysis, usually triggered by sudden emotions. The drowsiness, as well as her history of night terrors, also pointed to this. He directed her and Emma's family towards a sleep clinic in Kingman for further evaluation. Over the course of two months, Emma regularly visited the clinic, where she underwent various tests. One day, the clinic called her house, saying that they had the results back and wanted to talk to her. During the appointment her sleep specialist said that there was a low amount of hypocretin inside her spinal fluid. Emma's final diagnosis was narcolepsy with cataplexy.

After her diagnosis, Emma and her family started making life changes. While her parents always wanted her to stay fit and have a good diet, Emma became more health conscious. She started exercising on a regular basis. She also started watching her diet by eating healthy, because her doctor told her that a healthy lifestyle would help with her symptoms. Emma was also overweight, which was a common effect of her condition. Her parents had pointed it out before, but Emma still had trouble with her weight beforehand. She tries to keep healthy so that she could keep her weight down and feel more awake. Emma exercises every week at the local fitness club, and usually prefers cardio. With some advice from trainers, she has found a fitness pattern that helps with her alertness. She did take a free Zumba class, only to not visit it again due to her not feeling it was for her. Because she lives with a chronic illness, Emma has begun to value being as healthy as possible. Also, Emma tries to schedule naps after school, since she feels more drowsy in the afternoon. If there's a club meeting that day, she makes it a point to take a nap in a safe place on campus for a few minutes. This way, she can be alert for the meetings. She also keeps a planner on her, so that she can write down when projects are due or when specific events are. Sometimes she can be forgetful because of her illness, so keeping one has helped her.

Emma also takes medication: first she tried Adderall, but later switched to Ritalin. Both medications, while associated with attention-deficit disorders, are often prescribed for drowsiness from narcolepsy. Her parents were hesitant at first, believing that she would only become reliant on them. They only agreed to it when Emma told them she felt it was a good idea to at least try them out. She started Adderall in early junior year. It made her more alert, but also made her irritable and gave her stomach pain. Six months after she started Adderall, she switched to Ritalin. It also helped with her drowsiness, and had less side effects with her. Because she doesn't experience cataplexy as often, she hasn't considered using anti-depressants for it.

During summer break, her parents started considering enrolling her and Sabrina in self-defense courses. This was somewhat inspired by SOTF's re-emergence that year. The news had alarmed Tomás and Lucia, and made them think about their children's safety. Also, their children were growing up, and with it, more independent. Some of their prepper friends were touting self-defense as something they taught their teens. They were hesitant due to Emma's recent diagnosis, however, they felt she would be safer knowing self-defense. After talking with Emma a bit, they agreed that she should take the courses if she felt up to it. Emma enjoyed the classes, and has retaken them each summer so that she can refresh her abilities. Most of what she learned focused around de-escalation. This included ways to position herself to not appear like an ideal victim, or what to do if someone was following her. The course has also taught her simple martial arts moves. Emma knows things like how to release others' grip on her or the correct place to kick someone in the leg if they're attacking her.

Emma enjoys studying, and likes to go to school so that she can be with her friends and learn. While her grades dropped somewhat as a result of her health problems in freshman year, they are back up. She has since received As with the occasional B due to her love of learning. Emma particularly likes science courses, though she also likes having a music elective. She receives accommodations on campus so that she can learn the material better. While there was a bit of concern about whether she was able to attend field trips, she is usually allowed to go. As a whole, Emma enjoys school, and learning what the teachers have to offer for the day. She likes to organize study groups with friends so that they can learn the material together. During the summer she likes to reread notes and books from the previous year. She has also taken online summer courses to help her learn. Emma also makes flashcards on subjects she needs to know for tests or projects. Another way she likes to study is to watch documentaries on the subject. Emma does go to tutoring, though more as someone who needs help than as a tutor. She has expressed interest in the idea of being a tutor, though. Parkinson and Ramsey have both said that they are willing to help with any issues she may have in their classes. As long as she tries during physical education she should get a good grade.

Emma has also always enjoyed reading. Most of the books she likes to read are non-fiction, usually about biology and medicine. Her taste in fiction tends to have themes dealing with apocalyptic or disaster scenarios. The reason why is partly because of her prepper background, as she likes reading about people's attempts to survive dangerous scenarios. While she understands that some of them can be unrealistic, she still finds them entertaining. Her favorite book is World War Z by Max Brooks. She also enjoyed I Am Legend by Richard Mattheson. Currently she is reading The Hot Zone by Richard Preston, and has mixed feelings about it. As someone who is interested in medicine she enjoys reading about viruses, but she finds the depiction of Ebola inaccurate and exaggerated.

Emma is well-liked among her peers, perhaps to the point of being considered popular. She is empathetic, and people tend to think of her as kind and friendly. Emma likes to get involved in the school's social element. Being fond of school spirit events, she usually shows up, and usually helps in some way. Some students were hesitant to invite her to parties at first, but now she gets plenty of invitations. While going to theaters is somewhat difficult for her, she still goes out with her friends to outings. Emma enjoys getting to know her classmates, and tries to learn about them as much as she can. She tries to get herself involved in other's personal lives, and helping them out with any issues, but she tries not to interfere if they don't want her to. Many of her close friends are on the more academic side, but she has others with different interests. Generally, she comes off as an upbeat, extroverted girl heavily focused on academics.

Emma has a bit of an ambitious streak. She has always been driven to succeed, whether that be with grades or other projects. This year, she campaigned for Senior President, and won the election. While it has stressed her out, enough to somewhat worsen some of her symptoms, she feels she is capable of doing the job. The previous school year she was the Treasurer, and was able to attend most of the council meetings. Emma also has already been accepted into a college as a pre-med major, and has been preparing for it. When she received her third level first aid certification earlier this school year, she was happy. As a result of her ambition, she is consistently a hard worker. Sometimes she can get a little competitive as a result of her being focused on succeeding. She tends to compare others' success to hers and uses it as a measure on how she can improve. Emma is far from spiteful about it, and generally is friendly with those she is competitive with.

Emma's ambition has lead to her feeling some degree of depression. She has heard horror stories of people with her condition having trouble in school or work. Because her class is graduating this year, she's been nervous about college. She's worried that her illness might affect her chances of succeeding in higher education. She is also somewhat sad about the fact that people she has grown up with will be off to pursue their own dreams. Deep down, she's scared of not keeping in touch with them. It hasn't helped that because of her feeling unwell, she sometimes has to stay home rather than visit her friends. Her depression has been mild, and she hasn't talked much about it. Outwardly, she remains as cheerful and extroverted as she's usually been. However, some have noticed due to some of the things she says, and how the topic of graduation seems to put her on edge. She has started her own personal Tumblr, which she mostly uses to vent. She has not considered using counseling, due to her feeling she doesn't need it.

Emma's ambition has also given her a stubborn side of her personality, where she can keep an opinion for a long time. It can be hard to convince her of alternative perspectives or decisions. While she tries to be polite about her opinions, she can get frustrated when arguing with people. It has also lead her to, from time to time, have trouble accepting help. While she usually is accepting of it, there have been times where she has trouble realizing she needs it. Because her of stubbornness, she can take on tasks before realizing she needs help with it. Needless to say, this has lead to a few problems when it comes to people and her health issues.

The relationship Emma has with her parents is influenced by the fact that they are preppers. They have always taught her that independence is an ideal to strive toward. Aside from teaching her about preparedness, they taught her basic tasks. For example, Emma has known how to cook for most of her life, as her parents would usually ask her to help with meals. As a result, while cooking isn't one of her hobbies she does understand a fair amount about it. She also helps with errands not just around the house, but around the other Luz houses when asked. When she does, she tries to avoid using power tools or ladders whenever possible. On her most recent birthday, she received a small, three-inch folding pocket-knife. Her parents taught her how to use it in a responsible way. Tomás made it clear that it wasn't a toy or a weapon, but more of a tool. She has never brought it to school, but everywhere else it is usually tucked inside her bag or pocket. She uses it mostly during camping trips, and has used it to slice things like fruit or to open cans. She also has never pulled it out on someone, and doesn't picture herself using it in self-defense. Emma also tries to avoid using it when her symptoms are particularly strong. When they are and she needs to use it, she simply hands the knife off to friends so they can use it instead. She's close to both of her parents. They haven't gone on as many camping trips together lately, but Emma likes it when they do. Her health problems have been rough on her parents as well as Emma herself. They often have to deal with paperwork and finances associated with her condition, as well as the symptoms, but they have tried their best to support her throughout. They are somewhat traditional; they believe that supporting their community is a good value. Both have attended PTA meetings, and have volunteered to help with school events. At the same time, they pride themselves on their independence and hard work.

As for Emma's sister, Sabrina, she does feel a sense of competitiveness towards her. Because they both are good at school, she occasionally feels some envy when it comes to Sabrina's success. While she would make no attempt to sabotage any success she has, she does compare herself to Sabrina at times. Since her diagnosis, Sabrina has been somewhat concerned for Emma. Sabrina has been taking tasks that she feels would be too dangerous for her. For example, Sabrina insists on driving when it's the two of them, out of fear that Emma could get into an accident. Emma is fond of her sister, however, and is supportive of her.

The kind of knowledge Emma has from her prepper background include basic self defense, camping skills, and first aid. Because of her interest in medicine, she has more knowledge about first aid. She still attends self defense classes over the summer. While she hasn't gone camping with her family as often as she used to, she still remembers some skills. For example, she has an idea on how to start a fire or find plants that are safe to eat. She also knows how to handle a pocket-knife in a safe manner. Despite her self-defense classes, Emma is against violence unless it's in self-defense. The idea of people physically hurting others tends to make her uncomfortable. While she doesn't mind violent fiction too much, actual accounts disturb her. Emma believes that preparing for potential disasters is vital. While she finds doomsday beliefs silly, she feels that for the most part prepping is a good idea.

While she doesn't look it, Emma has a cautious side to her personality. This is a mixture of her coming from a prepper background, as well as her living with her condition. She has a tendency to visualize possible disastrous scenarios. This includes feeling tense when walking home alone from school. Sometimes she also pictures ways people around her can get hurt. Some of her worries tend to be focused on her condition, for example, while she has her driver's license, she doesn't like to drive, because she is somewhat nervous about getting into an accident. Emma instead prefers to walk or carpool; as noted, Sabrina tends to drive more often when it's the two of them. Nonetheless, she still has a bit of a tendency to get worried about her health, as well as the health of those around her. This hasn't evolved into significant amounts of anxiety. While she has experienced it, it hasn't impacted her life too much beyond her being hesitant to drive. She understands that occasionally her fears can be somewhat improbable. So, Emma tries to remain realistic about what can and can't happen.

While the condition still affects her life, Emma is able to gain some degree of normalcy. She still feels exhausted a fair amount of the time, The exhaustion has decreased due to her lifestyle. She hasn't experienced another episode of full-body cataplexy since Freshman year. When she does have cataplexy, it's usually mild. For example, she can have trouble moving her legs while sitting or feeling numbness in her face. She usually sits as much as possible when socializing. This way she can steady herself if it's triggered by laughter or excitement. Emma also experiences it more often when she's been stressed out. She has developed a sense of humor about the topic of her health problems, but she tends to get irritated at how her disorder is often treated as a punchline in mainstream media. When people ask questions about her disorder Emma usually answers them, as long as they are polite and non-intrusive. While she doesn't have as much energy as she had before, she is able to get caught up on class and her hobbies.

Emma loves both Cochise High School and Kingman. While she is going to a college outside of town she intends on visiting her hometown after graduation. She has said that she would move back to Kingman after completing her education. Her parents have always told her how important it was to be a part of the community, and Emma has taken this to heart. As part of this, Emma prefers to support local businesses. Her love of Cochise shows in her dedication to the student council, and her love of student events. She is proud of both of her town and school, and wouldn't change where she's from no matter what.

Advantages: Emma is well educated and intelligent. She has a kindhearted personality, and has a good reputation among her classmates. She has a good understanding of first aid, and would have an easier time dealing with injuries than most people. Emma is ambitious and driven, and wouldn't back down easily. Her prepper background has given her knowledge in camping and self-defense. She tends to value her community, which would make her more likely to work with a team. Emma is an inherently cautious person, and would be more likely to be careful throughout the game.
Disadvantages: Emma has a sleep disorder, which can affect her ability to perform in the game. She has below average vision corrected by glasses. While she tries to be polite about it, she can be stubborn and opinionated, which might alienate potential allies. Emma sometimes has a hard time accepting help, even when she needs it. While her depression hasn't been significant, her self-doubt has the potential to become an issue as the game progresses. Her tendency to be cautious might cause her to overthink dangerous situations, which may increase the chances of her over-analyzing the motives of those around her . Emma deeply cares for her community and places a huge value on helping those in it, so she might become more distressed by her classmates hurting each other.
RICHARDS/BAINES OTP!

Coming to a V7 near you.
Bree Jones- "I'm not exaggerating when I say that my fish are smarter."
Roxanne "Roxie" Borowski- "Next video? Oh man, tons of ideas, dude. Lemme get the makeup for that."
[+] Spoiler
In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2008 SOTF
Carol Burke- Female Student #015- A good friend.
Remy Kim- Male Student #080- Yet another victim of the system.
Aileen Borden- Female Student #022- It's going to be okay.

In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2012 SOTF
Alexandria "Alex" Ripley- Female Student #002- Sometimes your life is meant to be a warning to others.
Lana Torres- Female Student #039- Technically, she died happy.
Miranda Millers- Female Student #019- Doomed by self-fulfilling prophecy.

In Loving Memory of Those Killed in the 2015 SOTF
Jennifer Wallace- Female Student #055- Good night, and good luck.
Junko Kurosawa- Female Student #041- Experienced a thrill to die for.
Emma Luz- Female Student #022- Sweet dreams.

....?
Anna Chase- Female Student #010- And then she lived happily ever after.
[+] Spoiler
For v6, I have come to a decision. To help lessen character pimping, I have vowed not to talk about my characters, any characters closely related to mine, or any threads I've been involved in, in any of the following places:

- Chat
- General Discussion thread
- TV Tropes
- Random Thoughts
-Skype
- Anything else I missed

I am not allowing myself to talk about anything relating to my characters or scenes I'm in unless they are brought up in conversation by another handler. I am not allowed to use my characters' names OOC or mention anything relating to that character until another handler mentions them. This is not currently in effect for pre-game; these self-imposed rules do not apply until v6 starts. However, they will be in effect the second v6 is announced. When one of my characters die, escape, or are otherwise removed from the game, these rules are lifted for that character, and I am free to talk about that character as much as I want. However, the others will have to wait until they too are out of the game.

This is a personal promise I'm keeping to myself for v6. If I break it, please feel free to bitch me out.

-KamiKaze

Addendum as of v6: I may ask for critiques while a character's arc is ongoing, as long as someone has offered to do so.
Let's show that private threads aren't necessary! I pledge not to start any private threads on island in V6. If I started a thread, you are welcome to join it.
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VoltTurtle
Mr. Danya
Joined: August 14th, 2012, 12:10 am

December 21st, 2015, 4:43 am #2

Hey Kami! Huge apologies for how long this critique took. It took a really long while for Emma to actually get claimed in the staff lounge and due to the length of Emma's profile it took me much longer than normal to finish the critique. That being said, it should take barely any time at all for me to get back to you after the edits are made; it's the least I can do.

So as that last sentence implied, Emma has unfortunately been DENIED pending edits.

The biggest issues that Emma's profile overall had were grammar issues (comma splices, sentence fragments, and stunted non-flowing sentences were common) and the large amount of unnecessary information (fluff) contained within. A good portion of the information that you presented in the profile fell firmly into the "nice but unnecessary" category. Fluff is good for details and little quirks of the characters and is fine for IC posts, but profiles are generally supposed to operate in broad strokes, so fluff often creates padding that makes the profile a chore to read for people who just want to get the basic gist of who your character actually is. Throughout most of this critique I might ask you to simply delete something with no explanation given, and this is meant to be the explanation for all of that!

Now, let's get into it. My comments are in teal.
wrote:high ponytail, with a
Remove this comma, please.
wrote:wear make-up when
"makeup"
wrote:wearing glasses since elementary
Add school onto elementary, as elementary is an adjective, not a noun.
wrote:current pair have red cat's eye frames
Despite being described as a pair of glasses, the glasses are still considered to be one entity for the purposes of pluralization, so change this "have" to "has" to fix this.
wrote:pierced, though she prefers smaller studs
There's nothing being compared here, so though is an improper transition word. Instead, say "Both of her ears are pierced, and she prefers to wear small stud earrings."
wrote:Weight gain is a common effect of her condition.
This sentence is unnecessary and just makes a reader ask "what condition?" Go ahead and remove it.
wrote:While Emma has tried to keep it down through
Since I'm asking you to remove the last sentence, go ahead and change "it" to "her weight" for context.
wrote:her appearance. While she's
Change "her appearance. While she's" to "her appearance, and while she's."
wrote:name, condition, and
So I know her condition is elaborated later on in the profile, but since you mention "her condition" so frequently before it's introduced, please specifically say "her condition of narcolepsy with cataplexy" just to make sure the reader knows what the condition actually is rather than be left wondering.
wrote:school colors. However, she
Change this from "school colors. However, she" to "school colors, however, she" because that period seriously breaks up flow.
wrote:black fitness device is
I think you meant "fitness tracker" specifically.
wrote:nearby the main farmhouse
Why does he have a farmhouse? You just introduced him as a mechanic but didn't introduce anything involving farming.
wrote:began a small village
A village is anywhere from a hundred to a couple thousand people. I doubt that Gregory had enough money to purchase enough land to support a hundred people, minimum. I think the word you were looking for here instead of village was neighborhood.
wrote:back-up generator. They
Change "For example, they tend to keep non-perishables stored inside the house, and invested in a portable back-up generator. They also own a chicken coop and have their own vegetable garden." to "For example, they tend to keep non-perishables stored inside the house, invested in a portable backup generator, own a chicken coop, and have their own vegetable garden."
wrote:copy of Bill Nye the Science Guy
Change "copy of Bill Nye the Science Guy" to "video of Bill Nye the Science Guy" because the way it's worded now you could take that to mean the teacher pulled out an actual copy of Bill Nye.
wrote:sleep. Also, she
Delete the "Also," here.
wrote:energized enough. Her parents
Change "energized enough. Her parents" to "energized enough, so her parents" to improve flow.
wrote:camping trips growing
Add "while she was" in between "camping trips" and "growing up" since the sentence as is says that Emma's parents organized camping trips as they were growing up, and I know that's not your intention.
wrote:about camping. For example
Change "about camping. For example" to "about camping, for example" to improve flow.
wrote:Emma also started becoming interested in first aid
Why did she start becoming interested in first aid?
wrote:Her parents gave her a children's book that explained basic first aid. They had hoped that it would help if she knew first aid.
You end your sentences with "first aid" three times in a row here, and the repetition comes off as jarring. These sentences need a full restructuring, I would suggest "Her parents saw her interest and gave her a children's book that explained basic first aid, as they thought that teaching it to their child could potentially be helpful in the event of an emergency."
wrote:She took it everywhere, and often showed her classmates pictures from it.
Why did she do this?
wrote:While the idea of having to save someone who was hurt horrified her, she liked knowing how to save them
Why does having to save someone who was hurt horrify her? Why does she want to know how to save them?
wrote:Emma has always wanted to get a medical profession
The tense in this sentence does not mesh with the rest of the paragraph, and "medical profession" is used incorrectly. Additionally, "always" seems to be disingenuous, given how you're explaining how she came to want the profession. Instead, you should say "due to this burgeoning interest, Emma wanted to become a medical professional later in life." to fix this and have it gel with the rest of the paragraph. After you fix that, I also have to ask again... why? You establish that she's interested in the human body and helping people, but you need to explain that.
wrote:She had always wanted to learn because of her.
This sentence is unnecessary since it's evident from the sentence before that Emma wanted to learn because of her mother.
wrote:throughout elementary
"elementary school"
wrote:with her school
To go along with the previous edit, delete this.
wrote:her own keyboard for her to take to practice anywhere
Handheld keyboards/carry around keyboards are too small to play most songs, and larger keyboards are too impractical to take around everywhere. Minor issue, but I would suggest changing this to "her own personal keyboard to practice with in her room" to fix this.
wrote:Around this time, Emma's parents also enrolled her in piano classes, which she adored. Lucia had played piano at home, and Emma loved learning how to play the piano like her. She had always wanted to learn because of her. Emma did a fair amount of recitals throughout elementary with her school. She was also involved with her school orchestra. On her tenth birthday she received her own keyboard for her to take to practice anywhere. It has remained one of her prized possessions. Aside from traditional classical arrangements. Emma likes to learn how to play recent pop songs on the piano, and enjoys playing them when she has the chance. Some of the songs she has learned how to play include Mystery Skulls' "Ghost", Coldplay's "Yellow", the Star Wars theme, and, most recently, Taylor Swift's "Style". She learns how to play new songs either with sheet music, or by being taught by others.
Is there anything in particular she enjoyed about playing the piano? You say she liked it, but not really why so.
wrote:Previously, she would have trouble seeing things from a distance.
This sentence is unnecessary, please delete.
wrote:and embarrassing, she got
"embarrassing, but she got used to them"
wrote:she has not considered laser eye surgery too much.
Get rid of "too much" and instead say "even though she could get it" as I assume her parents would have the money for it if you're making the effort to mention it.
wrote:school events fun. But, as she
"events fun, but as"
wrote:Her elementary had
"Her elementary school had"
wrote:council system. Starting from
"council system, and starting from"
wrote:participated in
Minor, but "participated directly in" to go along with the sentence that follows.
wrote:events. Sometimes she would work at a game booth, while other times
"events, sometimes working at the game booth, while other times"
wrote:only to fall to
Minor, but: "to suddenly fall"
wrote:Shortly after, the staff called
Also minor, but: "school staff"
wrote:scheduled an emergency's doctor's
Typo: "emergency"
wrote:The doctor, who was different from the one Emma had gone to for her night terrors before, did an examination. He asked her about her collapse, and if she was experiencing any other symptoms. She told him about the drowsiness. With a bit of prodding, she also told him about the nightmares she was having.
This is mostly unnecessary and has a he-said-she-said/storytelling structure, which is inappropriate for a profile. Please delete.
wrote:Towards the end of the appointment, he said that
To go along with the previous change, change this to "After hearing about Emma's symptoms, the doctor said that"
wrote:months, Emma visited the
"Emma regularly visited"
wrote:Over the course of two months, Emma visited the clinic. One evaluation was that she had to sleep in a room with a camera inside the clinic, so that they could see how she slept at night. Another was that she had to fill out a questionnaire on when she felt the most drowsy and in what situations. She also had to get a spinal tap, which for her was among the most unpleasant parts of the whole experience. During this period, she tried to keep her hopes up, that no matter what the outcome she was going to receive help. Though, she felt a little isolated from her friends and family. With her evaluations she was often unable to attend outings or just visit them. This was only increased by the symptoms themselves.
This entire paragraph (minus the first sentence) is unnecessary story telling/fluff and doesn't add anything to Emma's character. Go ahead and combine the first sentence of this paragraph (with an additional "and while there took various tests" onto the end) with the following paragraph and delete the rest.
wrote:Hypocretin, she explained, was a neurotransmitter associated with sleep and metabolism.
No need for this sentence. Anyone who wants to know what it is can look it up.
wrote:When she was diagnosed, she asked her doctor questions about it, as well as researched it online. Emma found out that her body couldn't tell when it was supposed to be asleep. The reason why was because of the low amount of hypocretin. As a result, it made her drowsy during the day. In addition, while most people enter REM sleep after 90 minutes, she entered it much faster. Some people with the disorder do suffer from dream-like hallucinations when drowsy. However, this hasn't been a significant issue with Emma. She has hallucinated during sleep paralysis episodes, but never outside of them.
Like before, this is fluffy and tenuous information at best, please delete.
wrote:healthy. The reason why was because her doctor
"healthy, because her doctor"
wrote:Because of her living with
"because she lives with"
wrote:She experiences a dry mouth and the occasional headache from it. But, it has helped better than Adderall. It was also cheaper, especially with her insurance plan. She has considered switching to Modafinil, another stimulant that is prescribed for narcolepsy. However, she is still unsure about it.
Unnecessary, please delete.
wrote:cataplectic epsode at
Typo: "episode"
wrote:Medical identification bracelets are sometimes recommended for people with narcolepsy and other conditions. The reason why is because if someone has an emergency they can get assistance quickly.
Go ahead and delete this section because it's needless explanation and add "in case she had an emergency" onto the previous sentence before these two.
wrote:diagnosis. However
Comma instead of a period.
wrote:Luckily, the fitness club was hosting self-defense courses that summer.
Unnecessary information, delete.
wrote:ways to posture herself to
Incorrect use of the word. "Position" would be better.
wrote:The instructors at her courses know about her condition due to Emma telling them about it. As a result, they try to accommodate for her as much as they can. Sabrina hasn't been as involved as Emma in self-defense, due to being too busy with her own activities.
Unnecessary information, please delete.
wrote:This was done by her doctor providing a medical note to the school about her condition. Afterwards, an IEP meeting was arranged between her teachers and her parents. They came to an agreement about what could be done to help her on campus. For example, Emma is allowed a safe place on campus where she can lay down if she feels she needs to. She is also allowed to take extra time on tests, and to have excused absences. Some of the teachers have also allowed her to eat small snacks in class to keep herself awake, as long as she's quiet.
All of this is unnecessary explanation. Emma's condition is obviously real and a school would be required to accommodate her. Please delete.
wrote:When she does go, the staff recommends that she stays near a classmate, teacher, or a group, and that she asks for help when she needs it.
Same as before, delete.
wrote:being one, though. Parkinson
"a tutor herself" instead of "one"
wrote:She has also always
"Emma has" -As when you start a new paragraph, you need to reintroduce the proper nouns.
wrote:prepper background. She likes
"background, as she"
wrote:about viruses. But, she
"viruses, but"
wrote:She likes checking out books from the school library for her to read at home.
We don't really need to know where she gets the books, delete.
wrote:much as she could
"can" instead of "could"
wrote:She tries to get herself involved in other's personal lives, and helping them out with any issues. Emma tries not to interfere with others' issues if they don't want her to. But, she likes helping people with their problems.
I think these sentences would be better off structured like "Emma tries to get herself involved in other's personal lives and help them with any issues, but she tries not to interfere if they don't want her to."
wrote:She has had to leave school events early on occasion, which has lead her to feel some degree of isolation. But, Emma has developed a sense of humor about her health problems. For example, she has cracked jokes about people having to wake her up for her to do things.
These sentences have barely anything to do with the overall paragraph. Delete them or move them.
wrote:Generally, she comes
To go along with the previous edit, change this she to "Emma" to make this sentence sound better.
wrote:She has a bit of an ambitious streak
Mentioned before- start paragraphs off with Emma rather than she.
wrote:capable of the job
"of doing the"
wrote:She had missed one because of a doctor's appointment, and sent in a email ahead of time. One of the things she has said she would do as President would be to increase support for the educational field trips. This is due to her feeling like they need more attention and support. Another thing she would like to do is encouraging more opportunities for peer tutoring. However, she's been paying close attention to what her classmates' concerns are.
Unnecessary, please delete.


wrote:her illness might effect her
Wrong word, "affect" is what you meant.
wrote:three-inch folding pocketknife.
"pocket knife"
wrote:the symptoms. But they
"the symptoms, but they"
wrote:To some extent, they can be casually homophobic. While they aren't malicious about it, they show ignorance towards gender and sexuality issues. They have used slurs before, but the reason why is less out of hatred and more out of lack of knowledge of LGBT issues.
Why is this important? Is Emma herself LGBT? Does Emma have LGBT friends? If yes to either of those, has this affected her relationship with her parents? If no to both of those, delete this portion.

Additionally, if yes rather than no, due to the length of this paragraph, insert a paragraph break back up at "they can used it instead. She's close to" after the period and change "she's" to "Emma is" to avoid the problem I have mentioned a few times earlier.
wrote:Because they both are good at school, she occasionally feels some envy when it comes to her success. While she would make no attempt to sabotage any success she has, she does compare herself to her at times. Since her diagnosis, Sabrina has been somewhat concerned for her. She has been taking tasks that she feels would be too dangerous for Emma. For example, she insists on driving when it's the two of them, out of fear that she could get into an accident. Emma is fond of her sister, however, and is supportive of her. Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.
Due to the sheer abundance of "she's" in this paragraph, I'm having trouble telling who you're talking about. For clarity's sake, use "she" pretty much exclusively for Emma and then just use Sabrina's name for Sabrina herself and we'll work from there (with the exception of the first sentence of the paragraph, which I omitted, that sentence is fine).
wrote:Her family is involved with other preppers in the community. While her parents do distrust higher government, they don't believe in conspiracy theories. Rather, they feel that relying solely on the government is foolish due to human error. They also feel that some of the decisions made by officials have been incompetent. For example, Lucia was frustrated with how the Bridges Administration handled terrorism. As a result, she votes for candidates partly on their plan of action for future incidents. They have encountered other preppers that do believe in conspiracy theories, though. Emma doesn't believe in any conspiracies herself, and is often skeptical. Whenever she sees someone mention one, she tends to pull up Snopes or other websites to disprove it. She tries to be polite when she does, but her stubbornness can get the better of her. Emma tends to get annoyed if a theory is scientifically implausible, due to her love of medicine. Emma made a Powerpoint in Health in 10th grade to explain why getting vaccinated is important. During this same Powerpoint, she talked about how dangerous the anti-vaccination movement is. One of Emma's biggest pet-peeves is misinformation. She tends to get irritated when someone gets facts wrong and spreads them around to others. The reason why is because she places a high value on knowledge. Thus, incorrect information tends to upset her if it's something many people believe.
This paragraph doesn't really serve a purpose other than telling us that Emma doesn't like misinformation. While that's a nice detail, it's not something that needs an entire large paragraph in a profile. Delete.
wrote:has more knowledge about first aid
add "compared to the other survival skills"
wrote:However, unlike some other preppers, she understands little about guns. Lucia had offered to have her come with her to Kingman's indoor shooting range earlier in the year. It was a controlled and safe setting, and Lucia was willing to help with any issues she may have had. But, Emma was hesitant about the idea and the idea hasn't come up since.
The fact that she DOESN'T know how to use a gun isn't something that needs to be mentioned, even with her background.
wrote:On a side note,
Inappropriate tone for a profile, delete this phrase and replace it with "Despite knowing self defense techniques,"
wrote:As an example, in junior year she had to do an assignment based around recent events in Social Studies. Her subject was SOTF and the search for the people responsible. While she never saw any actual footage, the accounts were enough to make her uneasy. She had been shaking when presenting her assignment.
No example necessary, please delete.
wrote:Emma believes that the only context where violence would be at all moral would be in self defense. Even then, it would be a last resort.
You already said she's okay with violence in self defense, so this sentence is unneeded, please delete.
wrote:Because she lives nearby her close relatives, some of her cousins also go to Cochise, and are around her age. Emma's relationship with them tends to vary, but for the most part she tries to be friendly towards them. In a sense, she even feels a degree of loyalty to them, as if they were her siblings. They tend to vary in personalities, but Emma tries to reach an understanding with them. Generally, Emma puts a high value on the idea of family.
This paragraph doesn't actually add anything to Emma's character, please delete.
wrote:condition, as well. For
"condition, for"
wrote:drive. The reason why is because
"drive, because"
wrote:The worst that has happened while driving is that she was 30 minutes late to meeting with friends. The reason why was because of a microsleep that lead her to take the wrong road by accident.
Example not needed, please delete.
wrote:condition itself
"itself" in this case is an unnecessary word, please delete.
wrote:still effects her
Wrong form of the word, "affects" is what you meant.
wrote:time, it has
Say "the exhaustion" instead of "it" here.
wrote:since the party in Freshman
"the party" adds clutter to this sentence, please delete.
wrote:problems. But
"problems, but she"
wrote:People have asked her questions about her disorder before. Emma usually answers them
"When people ask her questions about her disorder, Emma usually answers them"
wrote:Her parents have always told her how important it was to be a part of the community. Emma herself has taken this to heart
"part of the community, and Emma has"
wrote:easier time dealing with injuries.
Add "than most people" onto "injuries" here.
wrote:back down that easy
"easily" instead of "that easy"
wrote:Her prepper background has given her knowledge that could prove useful throughout the game.
You need to specifically mention what knowledge she has (such as basic self defense techniques and camping knowledge) rather than just vaguely say knowledge, even if we already know what that knowledge probably is.
wrote:Emma can be a bit cautious, and would try to avoid dangerous situations.
I wouldn't really say this is all that notable of an advantage. It's normal to avoid dangerous situations, it's abnormal to not try to avoid dangerous situations.
wrote:can effect her
Wrong form of the word, "affect" is what you meant.
wrote:ability in
"ability to perform in"
wrote:stubborn and opinionated
Stubborn and opinionated and that would..? I think I know what you're going for here, but you need to explicitly say "and that could lead to fights" or "and that could lead to alienating allies" or something to that effect.
wrote:Emma has been experiencing some mild depression during the school year.
Given that her being depressed has only gotten a very minor mention in the profile and due to the mildness likely wouldn't affect her in game, please remove this.
wrote:Her tendency to be cautious might cause her to react on initial impressions.
I'm not actually sure how being cautious would lead into this or how this would actually affect her in game. Please delete.
wrote:Emma values her family and her community, which could make the game more stressful for her.
Most people care about their family and community. Unless Emma cares so deeply about her family that it would cause her to undergo serious amounts of stress, this isn't something to be mentioned. Adjust/delete.

And with that, that's it. It's a lot of editing for a long profile, but I'm sure you'll be fine. Post back here when you have the edits made and I'll come back to help you in round two.
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I draw things sometimes in this thread
Join my cyberpunk horror tabletop!

V7 Roster
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Marceline Carlson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: -#->

Richard Smith
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Ming Robinson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Amber Yates
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V6 Meanwhile:
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G030: Sara Corlett
Chat Quotes:
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17:32 Mimi: Everyone has their place in society. His is with tractors.

19:26 Harbinger: Manhunt is like victorian porn
19:26 Monad: Isn't that bad like, quality? Or isn't as bad as they say in terms of nastiness?
19:26 Kilmarnock: Aside from Piggsy's shadowy schlong.

22:45 SpiralAgnew I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME IT IS TO WORK AT NINTENDO
22:45 Medic SPIRAL
22:45 Courtney Hey Medic
22:45 SpiralAgnew IN FRONT OF MK
22:46 Outfoxd ..Wait, do we punch Spiral in the dick now?
22:46 Outfoxd FUCK YOUR DREAMS
22:46 Outfoxd OoO
22:47 TurtleTyrant we are punching him in the dick?
22:47 Courtney That'll be the most attention his dick has gotten...ever.

22:47 Guest13519 He'd probably like getting punched in the dick though.
22:47 Courtney Only if by androgynous looking girls.
22:48 Guest13519 Who look and act about 12?
22:48 Courtney I really don't know.
22:48 Courtney Ask him.
22:48 Courtney I mean he's right here.
22:49 SpiralAgnew Sorry, I couldn't hear you
22:49 Outfoxd I gotta go to bed
22:49 SpiralAgnew I was too busy riding that Nintendo high

22:26 Mumu: robots are sexy
22:26 Mumu: like that bitch from The Jetsons
22:27 TurtleTyrant: do you find this robot sexy?
22:27 Slayer: :|
22:27 TurtleTyrant: [Image of Bender]
22:27 Lancer: Who wouldn't?
22:27 Kilmarnock: If anything, Bender's sexier than Rosie.

21:42 Flarez: MurderWeasel - You can tell what kind of site we're on because we get confused on which particular infirmary massacre we're discussing.
21:42 MurderWeasel: Welcome to chat and SOTF!

21:21 Espi: I want to have at least one non-white person perversion.

20:44 Raft: Um.
20:44 Raft: Can't tonight Ricky. I'm promised to another.
20:46 Kilmarnock: YOUR ANUS IS MINE

22:37 Mimi: SOMETIMES I DO PENIS

22:00 Sansa: Vagina. <3 OTP till the end of time.

18:30 Outfoxd: that would be the slow inexorable path of evolution mocking you

20:00 Naft: Jokes on you
20:00 Naft: Turtle replaced my mind with a turtle on a hamster wheel

13:00 Zarina: I DON'T ONLY PLAY HORRIFIC YAOI H-GAMES RACHEL
13:00 Zarina: SOMETIMES I PLAY OTHER THINGS
13:00 Zarina: LIKE HORRIFIC HETEROSEXUAL H-GAMES

23:33 Zarina: I tried to buy condoms discreetly once
23:33 Zarina: I ran into my mom at the register

19:35 Christian: I JUST LIKE SHAGGING HANDLERS, KAY?

14:56 Slam: but then I wonder where's the romance without a schlong
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KamiKaze
Winner
Joined: July 27th, 2009, 7:44 pm

January 3rd, 2016, 2:24 am #3

Alright, I think I may be ready for another go. I've Ctrl+F everything to make sure I got them, but if there's anything else I need to fix, or something I missed, lemme know.
RICHARDS/BAINES OTP!

Coming to a V7 near you.
Bree Jones- "I'm not exaggerating when I say that my fish are smarter."
Roxanne "Roxie" Borowski- "Next video? Oh man, tons of ideas, dude. Lemme get the makeup for that."
[+] Spoiler
In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2008 SOTF
Carol Burke- Female Student #015- A good friend.
Remy Kim- Male Student #080- Yet another victim of the system.
Aileen Borden- Female Student #022- It's going to be okay.

In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2012 SOTF
Alexandria "Alex" Ripley- Female Student #002- Sometimes your life is meant to be a warning to others.
Lana Torres- Female Student #039- Technically, she died happy.
Miranda Millers- Female Student #019- Doomed by self-fulfilling prophecy.

In Loving Memory of Those Killed in the 2015 SOTF
Jennifer Wallace- Female Student #055- Good night, and good luck.
Junko Kurosawa- Female Student #041- Experienced a thrill to die for.
Emma Luz- Female Student #022- Sweet dreams.

....?
Anna Chase- Female Student #010- And then she lived happily ever after.
[+] Spoiler
For v6, I have come to a decision. To help lessen character pimping, I have vowed not to talk about my characters, any characters closely related to mine, or any threads I've been involved in, in any of the following places:

- Chat
- General Discussion thread
- TV Tropes
- Random Thoughts
-Skype
- Anything else I missed

I am not allowing myself to talk about anything relating to my characters or scenes I'm in unless they are brought up in conversation by another handler. I am not allowed to use my characters' names OOC or mention anything relating to that character until another handler mentions them. This is not currently in effect for pre-game; these self-imposed rules do not apply until v6 starts. However, they will be in effect the second v6 is announced. When one of my characters die, escape, or are otherwise removed from the game, these rules are lifted for that character, and I am free to talk about that character as much as I want. However, the others will have to wait until they too are out of the game.

This is a personal promise I'm keeping to myself for v6. If I break it, please feel free to bitch me out.

-KamiKaze

Addendum as of v6: I may ask for critiques while a character's arc is ongoing, as long as someone has offered to do so.
Let's show that private threads aren't necessary! I pledge not to start any private threads on island in V6. If I started a thread, you are welcome to join it.
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VoltTurtle
Mr. Danya
Joined: August 14th, 2012, 12:10 am

January 14th, 2016, 1:09 am #4

Emma is looking way better! However, there are a few things I missed the first time around and a few minor changes I want you to make besides things I just straight up missed. Most of the issues are grammar rather than content, though, so it's a quick fix!
wrote:Starting from first grade, she started having night terrors
Change this to "Emma started having night terrors around the time of first grade." or something similar.
wrote:He asked if Emma had stress, and recommended
Delete this small portion and change the "she" after "that" to "Emma".
wrote:Emma's night terrors lessened
"lessened over time"
wrote:until it had
Incorrect pluralization, "they" rather than "it".
wrote:On some days her sleepiness was worse, while other times it had improved.
Go ahead and delete this sentence.
wrote:Her burgeoning interest in first aid and the human body lead her to want to become a doctor. Emma feels she wants to be a doctor because she wants to help people with their health problems.
These two sentences should be combined to something to the effect of "Her burgeoning interest in first aid, the human body, and wanting to help people with their health problems lead her to want to become a doctor."
wrote:Over the course of two months, Emma regularly visited the clinic, where she underwent various tests. One day, the clinic called her house, saying that they had the results back and wanted to talk to her. During the appointment her sleep specialist said that there was a low amount of hypocretin inside her spinal fluid. Emma's final diagnosis was narcolepsy with cataplexy.
Combine this paragraph with the previous paragraph, while I'm thinking about it.
wrote:At first Emma was hesitant to talk about her condition. While it wasn't a secret that she had health problems, she didn't want to talk about it. She started talking about it more often after she had a second cataplectic episode at a party that April. Once again, she had fallen to the ground after laughing at a joke. This had people concerned for her. While Emma stayed at the party afterwards, she still felt embarrassed about it. From that point on Emma made it a point to talk more often about her condition. She later invested in a medical identification bracelet. She had found a website which made customized ones that look stylish and inconspicuous. Emma still wears hers regularly so if she ever falls asleep or has cataplexy in public she can get help.
Now that I think about it, this information is a tad bit unnecessary for a profile. It's nice information, mind, but the only important thing in this paragraph is the reason why she has a medical identification bracelet, which is self evident (since she can randomly pass out sometimes, and that is is important for people to know).
wrote:Emma has a bit of an ambitious streak, as well.
Just realized that this "as well" just sounds awkward due to coming after a paragraph break. Go ahead and delete it.
wrote:Her ambition has lead to her feeling some degree of depression
Missed this one! "Emma's" because of the paragraph break. You can change the following "Emma" to her as well.
wrote:As for her sister, Sabrina, Emma does feel a sense of competitiveness towards her. Because they both are good at school, Emma occasionally feels some envy when it comes to her success. While she would make no attempt to sabotage any success she has, she does compare herself to Sabrina at times. Since her diagnosis, Sabrina has been somewhat concerned for Emma. Sabrina has been taking tasks that she feels would be too dangerous for her. For example, Sabrina insists on driving when it's the two of them, out of fear that she could get into an accident. Emma is fond of her sister, however, and is supportive of her. Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.
This paragraph is MUCH less confusing to read. Good job! Now to tweak it.
wrote:for her sister
Emma's.
wrote:Emma does feel a sense
To go along with the previous edit, she.
wrote:comes to her success
Sabrina's.
wrote:fear that she could get
Emma.
wrote:Sabrina is not particularly interested in the survival and self-defense elements of their family. She participated when they were younger, but lately she's been too busy.
Nice but unnecessary information. Delete, please.
wrote:back down that easily
Delete this "that" since it sounds awkward.
wrote:Emma is a cautious person
Change this to "is an inherently cautious person" to go along with the paragraph you included earlier. Sorta a personal gripe but it really flows well and connects back to the paragraph I just mentioned.


And that's it! As a fair warning, this might get kicked out due to final apps starting soon, but if it does just submit back with edits made and I or another staffer will approve it or iron out the last few details!
[+] Spoiler
My SOTF Mini Profile
I draw things sometimes in this thread
Join my cyberpunk horror tabletop!

V7 Roster
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Marceline Carlson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: -#->

Richard Smith
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Ming Robinson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Amber Yates
Pregame: -#->
Memory: -#->
V6 Roster
[+] Spoiler
Wiki Pages:
G013: Penelope Fitzgerald
G046: Isabel Ramirez

V6 Meanwhile:
|-#-#-|
V5 Roster
[+] Spoiler
Wiki Pages:
G005: Madeline Wilcox
G030: Sara Corlett
Chat Quotes:
[+] Spoiler
17:32 Mimi: Everyone has their place in society. His is with tractors.

19:26 Harbinger: Manhunt is like victorian porn
19:26 Monad: Isn't that bad like, quality? Or isn't as bad as they say in terms of nastiness?
19:26 Kilmarnock: Aside from Piggsy's shadowy schlong.

22:45 SpiralAgnew I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME IT IS TO WORK AT NINTENDO
22:45 Medic SPIRAL
22:45 Courtney Hey Medic
22:45 SpiralAgnew IN FRONT OF MK
22:46 Outfoxd ..Wait, do we punch Spiral in the dick now?
22:46 Outfoxd FUCK YOUR DREAMS
22:46 Outfoxd OoO
22:47 TurtleTyrant we are punching him in the dick?
22:47 Courtney That'll be the most attention his dick has gotten...ever.

22:47 Guest13519 He'd probably like getting punched in the dick though.
22:47 Courtney Only if by androgynous looking girls.
22:48 Guest13519 Who look and act about 12?
22:48 Courtney I really don't know.
22:48 Courtney Ask him.
22:48 Courtney I mean he's right here.
22:49 SpiralAgnew Sorry, I couldn't hear you
22:49 Outfoxd I gotta go to bed
22:49 SpiralAgnew I was too busy riding that Nintendo high

22:26 Mumu: robots are sexy
22:26 Mumu: like that bitch from The Jetsons
22:27 TurtleTyrant: do you find this robot sexy?
22:27 Slayer: :|
22:27 TurtleTyrant: [Image of Bender]
22:27 Lancer: Who wouldn't?
22:27 Kilmarnock: If anything, Bender's sexier than Rosie.

21:42 Flarez: MurderWeasel - You can tell what kind of site we're on because we get confused on which particular infirmary massacre we're discussing.
21:42 MurderWeasel: Welcome to chat and SOTF!

21:21 Espi: I want to have at least one non-white person perversion.

20:44 Raft: Um.
20:44 Raft: Can't tonight Ricky. I'm promised to another.
20:46 Kilmarnock: YOUR ANUS IS MINE

22:37 Mimi: SOMETIMES I DO PENIS

22:00 Sansa: Vagina. <3 OTP till the end of time.

18:30 Outfoxd: that would be the slow inexorable path of evolution mocking you

20:00 Naft: Jokes on you
20:00 Naft: Turtle replaced my mind with a turtle on a hamster wheel

13:00 Zarina: I DON'T ONLY PLAY HORRIFIC YAOI H-GAMES RACHEL
13:00 Zarina: SOMETIMES I PLAY OTHER THINGS
13:00 Zarina: LIKE HORRIFIC HETEROSEXUAL H-GAMES

23:33 Zarina: I tried to buy condoms discreetly once
23:33 Zarina: I ran into my mom at the register

19:35 Christian: I JUST LIKE SHAGGING HANDLERS, KAY?

14:56 Slam: but then I wonder where's the romance without a schlong
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KamiKaze
Winner
Joined: July 27th, 2009, 7:44 pm

January 15th, 2016, 2:02 pm #5

I think I'm ready for one more look. Hopefully it's not too late.

Thanks for bearing with me.
RICHARDS/BAINES OTP!

Coming to a V7 near you.
Bree Jones- "I'm not exaggerating when I say that my fish are smarter."
Roxanne "Roxie" Borowski- "Next video? Oh man, tons of ideas, dude. Lemme get the makeup for that."
[+] Spoiler
In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2008 SOTF
Carol Burke- Female Student #015- A good friend.
Remy Kim- Male Student #080- Yet another victim of the system.
Aileen Borden- Female Student #022- It's going to be okay.

In Loving Memory Of Those Killed In The 2012 SOTF
Alexandria "Alex" Ripley- Female Student #002- Sometimes your life is meant to be a warning to others.
Lana Torres- Female Student #039- Technically, she died happy.
Miranda Millers- Female Student #019- Doomed by self-fulfilling prophecy.

In Loving Memory of Those Killed in the 2015 SOTF
Jennifer Wallace- Female Student #055- Good night, and good luck.
Junko Kurosawa- Female Student #041- Experienced a thrill to die for.
Emma Luz- Female Student #022- Sweet dreams.

....?
Anna Chase- Female Student #010- And then she lived happily ever after.
[+] Spoiler
For v6, I have come to a decision. To help lessen character pimping, I have vowed not to talk about my characters, any characters closely related to mine, or any threads I've been involved in, in any of the following places:

- Chat
- General Discussion thread
- TV Tropes
- Random Thoughts
-Skype
- Anything else I missed

I am not allowing myself to talk about anything relating to my characters or scenes I'm in unless they are brought up in conversation by another handler. I am not allowed to use my characters' names OOC or mention anything relating to that character until another handler mentions them. This is not currently in effect for pre-game; these self-imposed rules do not apply until v6 starts. However, they will be in effect the second v6 is announced. When one of my characters die, escape, or are otherwise removed from the game, these rules are lifted for that character, and I am free to talk about that character as much as I want. However, the others will have to wait until they too are out of the game.

This is a personal promise I'm keeping to myself for v6. If I break it, please feel free to bitch me out.

-KamiKaze

Addendum as of v6: I may ask for critiques while a character's arc is ongoing, as long as someone has offered to do so.
Let's show that private threads aren't necessary! I pledge not to start any private threads on island in V6. If I started a thread, you are welcome to join it.
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VoltTurtle
Mr. Danya
Joined: August 14th, 2012, 12:10 am

January 22nd, 2016, 4:56 am #6

Sorry about the delay! Adjusting back to school hit me pretty hard. I gave the profile another once over and you seem to be fine so: APPROVED.
[+] Spoiler
My SOTF Mini Profile
I draw things sometimes in this thread
Join my cyberpunk horror tabletop!

V7 Roster
[+] Spoiler
Marceline Carlson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: -#->

Richard Smith
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Ming Robinson
Pregame: -#->
Memory: ->

Amber Yates
Pregame: -#->
Memory: -#->
V6 Roster
[+] Spoiler
Wiki Pages:
G013: Penelope Fitzgerald
G046: Isabel Ramirez

V6 Meanwhile:
|-#-#-|
V5 Roster
[+] Spoiler
Wiki Pages:
G005: Madeline Wilcox
G030: Sara Corlett
Chat Quotes:
[+] Spoiler
17:32 Mimi: Everyone has their place in society. His is with tractors.

19:26 Harbinger: Manhunt is like victorian porn
19:26 Monad: Isn't that bad like, quality? Or isn't as bad as they say in terms of nastiness?
19:26 Kilmarnock: Aside from Piggsy's shadowy schlong.

22:45 SpiralAgnew I'M TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME IT IS TO WORK AT NINTENDO
22:45 Medic SPIRAL
22:45 Courtney Hey Medic
22:45 SpiralAgnew IN FRONT OF MK
22:46 Outfoxd ..Wait, do we punch Spiral in the dick now?
22:46 Outfoxd FUCK YOUR DREAMS
22:46 Outfoxd OoO
22:47 TurtleTyrant we are punching him in the dick?
22:47 Courtney That'll be the most attention his dick has gotten...ever.

22:47 Guest13519 He'd probably like getting punched in the dick though.
22:47 Courtney Only if by androgynous looking girls.
22:48 Guest13519 Who look and act about 12?
22:48 Courtney I really don't know.
22:48 Courtney Ask him.
22:48 Courtney I mean he's right here.
22:49 SpiralAgnew Sorry, I couldn't hear you
22:49 Outfoxd I gotta go to bed
22:49 SpiralAgnew I was too busy riding that Nintendo high

22:26 Mumu: robots are sexy
22:26 Mumu: like that bitch from The Jetsons
22:27 TurtleTyrant: do you find this robot sexy?
22:27 Slayer: :|
22:27 TurtleTyrant: [Image of Bender]
22:27 Lancer: Who wouldn't?
22:27 Kilmarnock: If anything, Bender's sexier than Rosie.

21:42 Flarez: MurderWeasel - You can tell what kind of site we're on because we get confused on which particular infirmary massacre we're discussing.
21:42 MurderWeasel: Welcome to chat and SOTF!

21:21 Espi: I want to have at least one non-white person perversion.

20:44 Raft: Um.
20:44 Raft: Can't tonight Ricky. I'm promised to another.
20:46 Kilmarnock: YOUR ANUS IS MINE

22:37 Mimi: SOMETIMES I DO PENIS

22:00 Sansa: Vagina. <3 OTP till the end of time.

18:30 Outfoxd: that would be the slow inexorable path of evolution mocking you

20:00 Naft: Jokes on you
20:00 Naft: Turtle replaced my mind with a turtle on a hamster wheel

13:00 Zarina: I DON'T ONLY PLAY HORRIFIC YAOI H-GAMES RACHEL
13:00 Zarina: SOMETIMES I PLAY OTHER THINGS
13:00 Zarina: LIKE HORRIFIC HETEROSEXUAL H-GAMES

23:33 Zarina: I tried to buy condoms discreetly once
23:33 Zarina: I ran into my mom at the register

19:35 Christian: I JUST LIKE SHAGGING HANDLERS, KAY?

14:56 Slam: but then I wonder where's the romance without a schlong
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