Dimani Carter

OnceForgotten
Cannon Fodder
Joined: October 21st, 2006, 7:59 pm

March 23rd, 2016, 5:08 pm #1

Name: Dimani Carter
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: Junior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Music, rap battles, playing basketball, the NBA, boxing, lifting weights

Appearance: Subject stands approximately 6’2 and weighs 185 pounds on an athletic frame. He has corn-rowed hair reaching down to his neck line. His eyes are a deep shade of brown, with flecks of gold near the iris. Subject has a strong jaw line and pronounced brow ridge with a slender nose atypical of his ethnicity. Subject has braces. Identifying features include a star tattoo on his left hand and ‘Lucille’ tattooed on his right upper arm. Subject typically wears two diamond stud earrings. Subject’s left arm is also slightly curved mid forearm, due to a break that was never set properly.

Upon retrieval, subject was wearing an olive colored hooded sweatshirt with no visible logo and jeans rolled up above the ankle; his feet were adorned by a pair of replica Yeezy Boost Turtledoves.

Biography: Subject was born in Willowbrook, California to mother Lucille Boyd and father Demarcus Carter. Subject was raised in a small, dilapidated home with his mother and older brother, Anthony. Subject’s family would be classified as below the poverty line, and relied on government assistance. Subject’s mother was generally unreliable as he grew up, her reliance on crack cocaine typically causing her to disappear for weeks. Subject’s mother gave birth to Anthony when she was 13 years old, making him nine years Dimani’s senior.

Subject’s teachers during grade school called child protective services several times during his early years after noticing Dimani sometimes appeared at school with the same clothes for several days in a row, having no food or money to purchase lunch. Subject remained in the home of his mother and brother due to CPS being unable to force removal, as no physical abuse had occurred. Subject’s brother Anthony became involved with gang activity early in his life, and typically used money earned to provide food and clothing for him and his younger brother. Dimani was six years old the first time police arrived at the home and removed Anthony on charges of distributing crack cocaine and carrying an unlicensed firearm. Dimani was forced to take public transportation on a school day and use his brother’s stashed savings in order to post bail. Dimani’s mother returned to the home sporadically, and typically caused more problems than when she was away. Typically, her return meant she would attempt to borrow money from Anthony, which would cause major conflict. Occasionally she would return with a male, usually resulting in a physical altercation between the man and Anthony. Dimani as a youth preferred when it was just him and his brother in the home, scared of the unpredictability his mother brought.

The following paragraphs were obtained and abbreviated from counselor’s notes taken during face to face meetings with the subject at Cochise High School and Kingman:

On the day of Dimani’s 9th birthday his brother sent him to school, promising to have a gift for him on his return. This excited Dimani, as his brother did the best he could to buy him an awesome birthday gift every year. When Dimani returned home, he found his mother and another male. His mother explained to him that Anthony had tried to rob a liquor store, and had been arrested. Dimani was dismayed by this news. While lying in bed that evening, listening to his mother and the stranger noisily copulate, he realized his mother had not even mentioned his birthday.

Dimani’s brother Anthony returned from a prison stint three years later a hardened man. During his time, he had developed a crack cocaine addiction. Lucille, who at this point was trying to become clean, no longer allowed Anthony to live with her and Dimani. Anthony eventually gave Dimani an ultimatum: Live with him, the man who had taken care of him his whole life, or stay with his mother. Dimani, scared of his brother and his newfound drug habits, chose to stay with Lucille. This was extremely hard for Dimani, as he retains guilt from that choice to the present day.

Dimani returned home from middle school one day a few months later to find his mother’s current suitor laying in a pool of his own blood. A bullet wound had punctured him under his eye and exploded out the back of his head, leaving brain matter and bone splinters splayed over one of the walls in the home. Dimani was horror-struck by this, and attempted to locate his mother, who was nowhere to be found. Later that evening, with Dimani holed up in his bedroom next to a corpse, Anthony arrived. Anthony explained to Dimani that the man had been purchasing crack cocaine from him, and had not paid him back. To further his outrage, he had begun sleeping with their mother. Anthony explained to Dimani that these violated several rules of the ‘game’, and that he had to be taken care of. During this conversation, Dimani’s mother arrived home. She attacked Anthony with a frying pan while wailing indiscriminately. Anthony fought back, and Dimani attempted to intervene. For his trouble, Dimani was swept aside by one of the two and ended up breaking his arm in an attempt to brace his fall. Anthony pleaded with Dimani to go with him, and Dimani again refused. He knew at this point that his brother was a murderer.

Dimani and Lucille packed up their meager belongings, and left on a greyhound a few weeks after the incident. Lucille had heard around town that Anthony planned to kill her and take Dimani with him by force, so she left for somewhere she never thought he would look: Kingman, Arizona. Dimani and Lucille arrived in time to enroll Dimani as a freshman at Cochise high school. Lucille has since cleaned herself up completely, and began dating a local accountant after meeting him at a restaurant she was working at. His name was Alex Ford, and he eventually allowed her and Dimani to move in with him. He and Lucille are currently planning to marry. Dimani does not like him due to his major trust issues with men who date his mother.

Since his arrival at Cochise, Dimani has largely kept to himself. He is generally mistrusting of other individuals, as it has been his experience that people will attempt to take advantage of him. He does have a few close friends, and when Dimani finds someone he trusts, he is much more willing to open up. People that befriend Dimani find a kind-hearted and quietly intelligent young man who has a strict home-grown moral code ripped from the ‘game’ that he knew growing up, as well as an unalterable sense of right and wrong. Dimani tried out for the basketball team, but was cut his freshman year. Since then he exploded in height from 5’8 to 6’2, and the coach has been pleading with him to try out again. Dimani refused, finding that he would rather put his time and energy into his new hobby: music. Dimani wants to be a rapper, and for the past few years has been penning cyphers in a small notebook he carries on his person at all times. He is also a fan of the rap battle scene, finding the bravado and antics the men display during the battles to fit his personality. Dimani secretly wishes that real life conflicts could be settled with a rap battle instead of a fight, or someone getting killed. Dimani also hopes that by watching the battles, some of the toughness the men seem to have will rub off on him. He wants to be strong enough to protect his mother from his now murderous crack addicted older brother. Dimani also began lifting weights and boxing while in high school for the same reason. Dimani is constantly in fear that his brother might find him and his mother, and is doing everything he can to prepare for the day that that happens.

Advantages: Physically fit. Good endurance, and long reach. Dimani is an amateur boxer, which gives him a leg up on others who have no formal fighting training. Dimani may appear menacing, as a large boy of his age and ethnicity is typically considered dangerous in American society. Dimani has seen a dead body before. Dimani had an extremely harsh upbringing, and days without food are relatively common to him. Has a strict moral code that he follows, and doesn’t tolerate or trust those that break it.
Disadvantages: He is a young black male. For the same reason it is an advantage, it is a disadvantage. May find difficulty finding allies as he has few friends and is living in a largely white and Hispanic area. Dimani is rather insecure internally, believing that he has never been tough or strong enough to control the events that have occurred during the course of his life. Dimani has a history of disappearing within himself when horrible things happen around him. Though he is trying to be more active in controlling his environment, his panic defense during the course of his life has generally been to hide or try to become invisible.
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Namira
Mr. Danya
Joined: May 28th, 2007, 12:31 pm

March 23rd, 2016, 5:40 pm #2

Hi OnceForgotten! Before we give Dimani a full critique, please make sure the profile adheres to the template exactly! You've got a few rogue paragraph breaks in there. Let us know when that's fixed up and we'll look at critiquing in full.

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OnceForgotten
Cannon Fodder
Joined: October 21st, 2006, 7:59 pm

March 23rd, 2016, 5:59 pm #3

Namira wrote:Hi OnceForgotten! Before we give Dimani a full critique, please make sure the profile adheres to the template exactly! You've got a few rogue paragraph breaks in there. Let us know when that's fixed up and we'll look at critiquing in full.
I fixed the paragraph breaks in order to increase readability. If you were referencing something else in regards to me not following the template, let me know!

*edit v2* viewed some approved characters, removed the line breaks between the first several sections.
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

March 30th, 2016, 7:46 am #4

There's another rogue paragraph break between the advantages and disadvantages section.

Yeah. We're REALLY picky about this template thing. XD
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Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
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Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
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20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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OnceForgotten
Cannon Fodder
Joined: October 21st, 2006, 7:59 pm

April 1st, 2016, 4:49 pm #5

I fixed it! It's fixed.
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Deamon
Mr. Danya
Deamon
Mr. Danya
Joined: June 1st, 2011, 8:03 pm

April 20th, 2016, 8:53 pm #6

Hey OnceForgotten! I'm Deamon and I'll be critiquing Dimani for you today! Dimani is Denied pending some fairly major adjustments to keep him in line with the correct tone of profile and the acceptable levels of realism we like to maintain. I'll explain more over the course of the critique.

First up in regards to the tone we like to keep in profiles, while they all should be written as if some lowly terrorist grunt is doing it we prefer to not go overly formal with it, specifically with regards to calling the charater subject and this part: 'The following paragraphs were obtained and abbreviated from counselor’s notes taken during face to face meetings with the subject at Cochise High School and Kingman:'. Ideally we want a profile to be an explanation of the students life with a focus on key events, their hobbies and interests and school.

Something like these profiles:
Example 1
Example 2

These both do a good job showing the style and tone we want from profiles, so if you rewrite Dimani's to be similar to these it will be a big step in the right direction.


Now for the second major issue which is the realism of the profile in regards to Dimani's very dramatic personal life.

There are a few issues here that we'll go over one at a time.

You state in the profile that Dimani didn't get removed from his ridiculously neglectful home because there was no signs of abuse. This wouldn't be a relevant issue in Arizona as child protection services are able to remove a child from a household that is deemed to be neglectful in a harmful way to the child's well-being. So that's one flaw with it right there, Dimani would have been removed from the house before anything else even had a chance to happen.

The level of neglect seems fairly ridiculous as well considering child protection services would probably be monitoring the situation or if they aren't the school would probably report it again if it continues. On the whole I'd like this entire scenario toned down and made much more realistic.

Now onto the Anthony/Mother drama, this is where the profile really becomes problematic.

Dimani discovers the dead body of his mothers boyfriend who his brother shot in the head and then his brother explains he did it because the guy had been buying drugs off him and was sleeping with their mother and then their mother returns and his brother and mother proceed to have a fight which while in the process of trying to break the fight up Dimani breaks his arm. Oh and this was after his brother came back from prison where he had managed to obtain an addiction to crack cocaine.

Do you see how crazy that all is written out like that? It's also one of the biggest parts of the entire profile. We spend so much time on this incident and how neglected Dimani was a child that we don't find out anything about him personally until the last paragraph of his own profile!

Basically this whole thing is going to need to be majorly rewritten as right now it's just too much of everything. I'd like you to tone down the level of everything, it's perfectly acceptable for Anthony to disapprove of Lucille dating again and getting into a physical altercation with her boyfriend and that leads to them moving away from him. But him becoming a drug dealer, going to prison and then coming back to kill people is kinda crazy.

I'd also like much more focus on Dimani's life, since it's his profile after all.

Now some general questions regarding parts of the final paragraph.
wrote:He is generally mistrusting of other individuals, as it has been his experience that people will attempt to take advantage of him.
When has this happened?
wrote:People that befriend Dimani find a kind-hearted and quietly intelligent young man who has a strict home-grown moral code ripped from the ‘game’ that he knew growing up, as well as an unalterable sense of right and wrong.
This seems like a confusing thing to base your life off, especially when your crack addict brother shots a man because of it.

Why does he want to be a rapper and what does he enjoy about rap?

I'd like more detail on his weight-lifting and boxing hobbies as right now they come across as an afterthought and only seem to be in the profile to justify using them for his advantages. We like to see around a paragraph per hobby as general rule, give or take based on how important it is to them.

Right that should be it for this round, don't be afraid to PM me if you need any help, since let's be real its a lot of changes but I'm sure you'll be able to do it. Post back here when you've made the edits and I'll give Dimani another look!
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Arizona - Practicing
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Travis "Trav" Lynch - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞ - ♞
Cameron Herrig - Ω - Ω - Ω
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MK Kilmarnock
Mr. Danya
Joined: April 14th, 2009, 10:12 pm

May 15th, 2016, 5:52 am #7

This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.
[+] Spoiler
Jerry Fury - The man, the myth, the legend
Coleen Reagan - The girl who half-loved the world
[+] Spoiler
V5 Roster:
Cody Patton : That bitch.
Sean Mulcahy : The world was kind to reprieve him of his fear...
Jessica Sanders: She hoped it would be quick...
[+] Spoiler
20:17Sideliner:Toben and Ricky are like a sibling version of the Joker and Batman, only Batman is just as much of a mass murderer. He just hides it better.
19:58LaurelsHow does your dick smell like Fritos?
14:36 MimiI THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE FRIENDS > 14:36MimiI THOUGHT YOU REALLY LICKED HER
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