Derrin Istoli / Jeff Mortavri

Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 3:39 am #1

*Mega Edit Engaged.*
Name: Derrin Istoli, calls himself “Jeff” at times
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: Derrin is in grade 11.
School: Hobbsborough.
Homeroom: Mrs. Laney
Hobbies and Interests: The two separate personalities have very different intrests. Jeff is a near-psychotic artist and Derrin is a musician. Derrin loves the Beatles, as well as many other bands of the similar genre.
“Jeff” is prone to violence, and, as such, he was suppressed using a experimental drug. He is sadistic, and takes pleasure in the pain of others.
Appearance: Along with the extremely rare split manifesting personality disorder Derrin is the typical Albino, with lack of pigment in his skin, eyes, and hair. As such, he has ghostly white hair, pale skin, and pinkish red eyes. This, along with his split personality disorder, has alienated him from his fellow students. His ghostly white hair, although short, is often very dirty; he hasn’t had the compulsion to keep his hair neat and tidy, although there is a odd chance that he may keep himself very, very, very immaculately clean, this is when he takes a monthly injection of advanced anti-psychotics. Approximately six feet tall, he is very thin and tend to dress in white and black exclusively. He has long, skeleton-like figures to add to his already imposing image. This causes them to be avoided by most people. Curiously, however, his eyes are very bloodshot when under the influence of the persona of Jeff.

Biography:
Derrin has had a hard life. Diagnosed with a rare form of Multiple Personality Disorder at the age of six, by that point he had already been through three different foster homes, being transferred because the first parents hit the child, the second foster parents were terrified of him, and the third home was that of a now convicted sexual predator. His other persona, “Jeff”, was that of all of his negative thoughts. Every emotion and thought of hurting someone is manifested as this “Jeff” through a complicated chemical imbalance. Suffice to say, Derrin believes he is “Jeff” , you don't want to be around.
Now, at the age of 17, Derrin led a almost normal life. Being shifted from foster home to foster home, (approx. 7) he has finally been able to stay in one place, thanks to a special drug therapy the government have put Derrin on. Designed to deal with stress disorders in the military, mixed with a certain form of Schizophrenia drug, Derrin is able to block out Jeff. The form of this split personality disorder is that, in intervals, Derrin believes he is “Jeff”. As one may guess, this is a very big problem because when Jeff manifests, Derrin remembers nothing. When that interval is up, Derrin appears to return to normal, with no clue of what went on, and horrified of the results of “What Jeff Did”. The interval is completely random.. There are only two known cases of this form of MPD in the world. The other is in England, and that person is long dead.

The drug itself is a very good control on the MPD, causing almost complete blocking of "Jeff". Only the recent advantages of technology have enabled him to do this, previously in his life he had to attend school with a special care worker that would be armed with sedatives at all times.

Derrin is a very peaceful person. He adores all types of plants, especially vines. When he becomes “Jeff” he is exactly the opposite. He adores destruction, death, and causing pain among others. He once left one of his foster mothers in the hospital, a fifty-nine year old woman, with no recollection of the event. This is one of the most traumatizing moments in his life aside from his sexual abuse. His thoughts as Jeff are only of dismay, chaos, and a sadistic urge to destroy. Derrin's thoughts when he believes he is Derrin are thoughts of utter peace, helping others, and to create happiness.

If he misses ONE set of pills, he goes completely insane. The effect of the drugs being taken out of his system is EXTREMELY dangerous to himself and others. Derrin becomes almost void of emotion, and seeks to find something he calls "The answer." Only known as some form of glowing crystal, if he sees it, "not even death could stop him." To quote his psycho-anylist.
As “Jeff” he becomes also void of whatever ethics he might've had. Instead of being sadistically crazy, he just becomes even more deadly, Taking no hesitation or pleasure from killing someone. This effect wears off in about one to two days.
The only recorded incident of this was at a medical facility in Colorado, where a man went mysteriously missing. The government has said nothing of the matter, neither has Derrin/Jeff.

He attends Hobbsborough, although absoloutely no-one wants to even talk to Derrin. A fact worth mentioning is that he is presumed to be an atheist, although it is really not known what his beliefs are, no one has actually asked him. “Jeff” has been successfully repressed.
Derrin's father was murdered in a bank shooting, and Derrin's mother commited suicide. He was not in their residence at the time. Because of the father's criminal record and the mother's drug use, he was taken into his long line of foster homes. This is when
Jeff first manifested by attacking his 11 year old foster sister, breaking two of her fingers.

--------------------------------------------------------------
Advantages: Completely insane if taken off the pills, when the withdrawl effect has worn off, and as Jeff, he is a formidable fighter, the same can be said for Derrin's knowlage of the environment and general knowlage of pretty much anything. He knows very well how to kill. The withdrawl effect of the drug is also a mix of acid, and steroids, causing increased strength, resistance to pain, and a drastic increase in speed.
Disadvantages: The drug withdrawl effect could be costly if Derrin starts looking for "The answer", not to mention the obvious lack of muscle strength. Also, someone you don't want to hang around, so no crowd strength, or manipulation tactics.
Number: 96 (Flipped numbers.)
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Mitsuko2
Contender
Joined: October 7th, 2006, 2:40 am

December 10th, 2006, 3:57 am #2

I would accept this, however, at the end of your Biography, it starts to look like a list. If you fix that you are ready to go Chibi-dodd!
The Dan: she won me over with card games, brownies, sex and handcuffs

Edited as of 12/1/11

Alive: Norelia Concepcion, Elliot Stone, Allegra Hoffman

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Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 4:17 am #3

Alright, it looks like this nutcase is ready to go. If I can, I'll probably try to introduce him in day 3.
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Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 4:21 am #4

Ah, I should've said, late into day two.
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Cactus
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 8th, 2006, 11:08 pm

December 10th, 2006, 4:56 am #5

Guys...I can't let this go through.

There's a myriad of reasons.

Just....no!

You have the biography format down, but...

There is no way in hell that this character can be allowed to go through. This is literally the definition of a Mary-Sue. I think. Or something.

---
[+] Spoiler
Connor Lorenzen: When you're this good, image is everything.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Morgan Dragosavich: Ahh, I'll figure shit out later. Let's go!
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Ross Miller: Just hangin' out, man.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Memories: 1 - 2

Claudeson Bademosi: It's a beautiful day, I think.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1

Ariana Moretti: The verbal assassin.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
B007 - Keith Jackson: At the end of the road he's running, looking back to survey where he's been.
B077 - Adam Dodd: You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. The truth lies somewhere in between.
B087 - Sidney Crosby: It's only cowardice if other people are around to tell you so. Otherwise, it's survival.
B092 - Eddie Serjeantson: Fully in charge, but not much of an arborist.
B013 - Andrew Ponikarovsky: Probably could have used a proper license and a driving lesson.
G005 - Amanda Jones: A breath of fresh air, and in the end, that was all it took.
[+] Spoiler
B033 - Cole Hudson: Sprung a leak.
B011 - Adam Amato: Refused to besmirch those walls.
B099 - John Sheppard: Went out with a bang.
B122 - Ryan Atwell: Couldn't help but write a "Dear John" letter.
G034 - Jamie Li: Left us far before her time.
B011/99 - Burton Harris/Ken Lawson: The Kermit-squad.
[+] Spoiler
< | Angelina | Gilbert | Andrew | Art | Wade | Rupert | Mary | Alexander | Dean | Sarah | Zilya | Alicia | Staffan | Trent | Jodene | >
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
Mrs. Ritch: Sweet Billy
The New Adventures of Ed-liver and Mike: Writing Essays and Making Pizza
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Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 4:59 am #6

Please explain, I don't really understand what you said exactly.

Edit: A Mary-sue- "Mary Sue (sometimes shortened simply to Sue) is a pejorative term for a fictional character who is portrayed in an overly idealized way and lacks noteworthy flaws, or has unreasonably romanticized flaws."

I may have glorified the insanity part of it, but aside from that he is just a generally odd kid who has had a shit life because of his rare debilitating mental problem.
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Cactus
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 8th, 2006, 11:08 pm

December 10th, 2006, 5:06 am #7

Mary Sue (sometimes shortened simply to Sue) is a pejorative term for a fictional character who is portrayed in an overly idealized way and lacks noteworthy flaws, or has unreasonably romanticized flaws. Characters labeled Mary Sues, as well as the stories they appear in, are generally seen as wish-fulfillment fantasies of the author.

The term originated in criticism of fan fiction. It usually refers to characters created by the (fan) author of the work, but can also be used in reference to characters from the original canon source who are characterized in a way perceived as Sue-like. Many original characters in play-by-post gaming are also perceived as Mary Sues (or the male equivalent).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary-sue

Read that page, it'll give you more information on what it is.

Slacker's going to post to give some helpful feedback, because as your brother, I can't actually get involved in the approval process...but I DO have to veto him at this point.
---
[+] Spoiler
Connor Lorenzen: When you're this good, image is everything.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Morgan Dragosavich: Ahh, I'll figure shit out later. Let's go!
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Ross Miller: Just hangin' out, man.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Memories: 1 - 2

Claudeson Bademosi: It's a beautiful day, I think.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1

Ariana Moretti: The verbal assassin.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
B007 - Keith Jackson: At the end of the road he's running, looking back to survey where he's been.
B077 - Adam Dodd: You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. The truth lies somewhere in between.
B087 - Sidney Crosby: It's only cowardice if other people are around to tell you so. Otherwise, it's survival.
B092 - Eddie Serjeantson: Fully in charge, but not much of an arborist.
B013 - Andrew Ponikarovsky: Probably could have used a proper license and a driving lesson.
G005 - Amanda Jones: A breath of fresh air, and in the end, that was all it took.
[+] Spoiler
B033 - Cole Hudson: Sprung a leak.
B011 - Adam Amato: Refused to besmirch those walls.
B099 - John Sheppard: Went out with a bang.
B122 - Ryan Atwell: Couldn't help but write a "Dear John" letter.
G034 - Jamie Li: Left us far before her time.
B011/99 - Burton Harris/Ken Lawson: The Kermit-squad.
[+] Spoiler
< | Angelina | Gilbert | Andrew | Art | Wade | Rupert | Mary | Alexander | Dean | Sarah | Zilya | Alicia | Staffan | Trent | Jodene | >
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
Mrs. Ritch: Sweet Billy
The New Adventures of Ed-liver and Mike: Writing Essays and Making Pizza
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Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 5:15 am #8

I read the page, and i'd just like to say up front, please, attack the character, not me.
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La Skellette!
La Skellette!

December 10th, 2006, 5:17 am #9

Right now I’ll tell you straight up that this character is FAR from being approval worthy, however it can get there, you’re just going to have to do something and that is perhaps not change your idea, but find a better way of selling it. For example the MPD is nothing new to SOTF, but you cannot be going and making them two distinct beings, because that in and of itself is unrealistic, despite whatever he does and thinks, physically he IS still Darren. This is the first thing that you should play upon, this does not mean however that you should (nor would I want you to) disregard the MPD part of this character, for the persona of Jeff could still exist (just not as a separate being) but solely in Darren’s head.

The MPD thing is something that we all wish to experiment with when we start RPing and this character has the potential to allow you to have great growth in your RPing, we just need to get through some of your growing pains if you will.

If you would want more help in constructing this character IM me at Slakker91 (via AIM of course), I would really love for this character to get passed and I’ll try my best to help you make it so.

Cactus
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 8th, 2006, 11:08 pm

December 10th, 2006, 5:18 am #10

Not attacking you, man, I'm saying the character has issues which need to be resolved. But I'll leave that to people who can help.
---
[+] Spoiler
Connor Lorenzen: When you're this good, image is everything.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Morgan Dragosavich: Ahh, I'll figure shit out later. Let's go!
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Ross Miller: Just hangin' out, man.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Memories: 1 - 2

Claudeson Bademosi: It's a beautiful day, I think.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1

Ariana Moretti: The verbal assassin.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
B007 - Keith Jackson: At the end of the road he's running, looking back to survey where he's been.
B077 - Adam Dodd: You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. The truth lies somewhere in between.
B087 - Sidney Crosby: It's only cowardice if other people are around to tell you so. Otherwise, it's survival.
B092 - Eddie Serjeantson: Fully in charge, but not much of an arborist.
B013 - Andrew Ponikarovsky: Probably could have used a proper license and a driving lesson.
G005 - Amanda Jones: A breath of fresh air, and in the end, that was all it took.
[+] Spoiler
B033 - Cole Hudson: Sprung a leak.
B011 - Adam Amato: Refused to besmirch those walls.
B099 - John Sheppard: Went out with a bang.
B122 - Ryan Atwell: Couldn't help but write a "Dear John" letter.
G034 - Jamie Li: Left us far before her time.
B011/99 - Burton Harris/Ken Lawson: The Kermit-squad.
[+] Spoiler
< | Angelina | Gilbert | Andrew | Art | Wade | Rupert | Mary | Alexander | Dean | Sarah | Zilya | Alicia | Staffan | Trent | Jodene | >
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
Mrs. Ritch: Sweet Billy
The New Adventures of Ed-liver and Mike: Writing Essays and Making Pizza
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Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 10th, 2006, 5:22 am #11

Thanks, I guess I got a little carried away with the MPD there. I had originally intended them to be a actual mindset of the character, in the fact that in my early thoughts for him, i'd thought of the idea of a twin of his having some form of residence within his mind, however that proved to be horribly unrealistic, so I tried to settle on a rare MPD for him. However it evidently was not actually realistic enough. I'd like to see him actually proceed, because I have a few intresting ideas for his future.

D/L'ing AIM right now, it died on me previously.
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La Skellette!
La Skellette!

December 11th, 2006, 3:35 am #12

I hath helped the young Dodd!

Cactus
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 8th, 2006, 11:08 pm

December 11th, 2006, 6:23 am #13

Better but it needs two primary things.

Firstly - the advantages section needs the language toned down.

Secondly - there are places in the biography where the edits contradict the original information...for example - 5 foster homes or 38?

Just clean it up a bit more and a mod will be able to make a decision on it.
---
[+] Spoiler
Connor Lorenzen: When you're this good, image is everything.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Morgan Dragosavich: Ahh, I'll figure shit out later. Let's go!
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Ross Miller: Just hangin' out, man.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Memories: 1 - 2

Claudeson Bademosi: It's a beautiful day, I think.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1

Ariana Moretti: The verbal assassin.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
B007 - Keith Jackson: At the end of the road he's running, looking back to survey where he's been.
B077 - Adam Dodd: You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. The truth lies somewhere in between.
B087 - Sidney Crosby: It's only cowardice if other people are around to tell you so. Otherwise, it's survival.
B092 - Eddie Serjeantson: Fully in charge, but not much of an arborist.
B013 - Andrew Ponikarovsky: Probably could have used a proper license and a driving lesson.
G005 - Amanda Jones: A breath of fresh air, and in the end, that was all it took.
[+] Spoiler
B033 - Cole Hudson: Sprung a leak.
B011 - Adam Amato: Refused to besmirch those walls.
B099 - John Sheppard: Went out with a bang.
B122 - Ryan Atwell: Couldn't help but write a "Dear John" letter.
G034 - Jamie Li: Left us far before her time.
B011/99 - Burton Harris/Ken Lawson: The Kermit-squad.
[+] Spoiler
< | Angelina | Gilbert | Andrew | Art | Wade | Rupert | Mary | Alexander | Dean | Sarah | Zilya | Alicia | Staffan | Trent | Jodene | >
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
Mrs. Ritch: Sweet Billy
The New Adventures of Ed-liver and Mike: Writing Essays and Making Pizza
Like
Share

Shiola
Winner
Joined: November 29th, 2006, 12:03 am

December 11th, 2006, 11:06 pm #14

"Diagnosed with a rare form of Multiple Personality Disorder at the age of six, he had already been through three different foster homes, being transferred because the first parents hit the child, the second foster parents were terrified of him, and the third home was that of a now convicted sexual predator"

I think you missed that there. Edited.
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Cactus
Mr. Danya
Joined: October 8th, 2006, 11:08 pm

December 12th, 2006, 12:28 am #15

The point I'm trying to make is that thirty-eight foster homes is a ridciulous number.
---
[+] Spoiler
Connor Lorenzen: When you're this good, image is everything.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Morgan Dragosavich: Ahh, I'll figure shit out later. Let's go!
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
Memories: 1

Ross Miller: Just hangin' out, man.
Pregame: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
Memories: 1 - 2

Claudeson Bademosi: It's a beautiful day, I think.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1

Ariana Moretti: The verbal assassin.
Pregame: 1 - 2
Memories: 1
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
B007 - Keith Jackson: At the end of the road he's running, looking back to survey where he's been.
B077 - Adam Dodd: You either die a hero, or live long enough to become the villain. The truth lies somewhere in between.
B087 - Sidney Crosby: It's only cowardice if other people are around to tell you so. Otherwise, it's survival.
B092 - Eddie Serjeantson: Fully in charge, but not much of an arborist.
B013 - Andrew Ponikarovsky: Probably could have used a proper license and a driving lesson.
G005 - Amanda Jones: A breath of fresh air, and in the end, that was all it took.
[+] Spoiler
B033 - Cole Hudson: Sprung a leak.
B011 - Adam Amato: Refused to besmirch those walls.
B099 - John Sheppard: Went out with a bang.
B122 - Ryan Atwell: Couldn't help but write a "Dear John" letter.
G034 - Jamie Li: Left us far before her time.
B011/99 - Burton Harris/Ken Lawson: The Kermit-squad.
[+] Spoiler
< | Angelina | Gilbert | Andrew | Art | Wade | Rupert | Mary | Alexander | Dean | Sarah | Zilya | Alicia | Staffan | Trent | Jodene | >
[+] Spoiler
[+] Spoiler
Mrs. Ritch: Sweet Billy
The New Adventures of Ed-liver and Mike: Writing Essays and Making Pizza
Like
Share