Name: Andrew Hapkins
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: RPG, Webcomics, Literature, Sailing, Swimming
Appearance: Andrew is pretty tall for his age, at 6'3" feet. He weighs around 173 pounds. He is fairly athletic due to regular swimming. He has blonde, wavy hair he keeps short most of the year. Andrew's face is round, with a pointy chin. He has grey-blue eyes, full lips and a big nose. He has typical teenage acne and a rash on his left cheek he can't get rid of. His teeth aren't in perfect shape, so he wears a retainer at night. His left hand is often covered in writings he makes when he doesn't want to forget something.
Andrew wears almost only hoodies and jeans. He doesn't care about fashion the slightest bit. He wears trainers for most of the year, except for summer holidays, when he's going barefoot. In the summer he also wears jeans cut to knee length and T-shirts with punny overprints.
Biography: Andrew was born on February 6th, 1998 in Kingman to Charlie Hapkins, a house painter, and Susan Hapkins, an accountant. He has a younger sister Mary, two years younger than him. His mom was a little overprotective and spoiled him sometimes. He always looked up to his dad. As a child he thought he was strong and funny and wanted to be like him in the future. He maintained good contact with his parents through his childhood and teen years.
Andrew had a happy childhood. He was a cheerful kid with a lot of imagination. He was the one thinking of games to play so he had many friends in the kindergarten. His family wasn't the richest one, but they could live comfortably in a small house with two dogs. Andrew loved his dogs. Their names were Sticks and Stones and he and his sister used to play with them everytime their parents were busy working. He still loves dogs.
In elementary school Andrew was a pretty good student. He was an intelligent child so he had no problem with learning. He remembered what the teacher was talking about in the class and that made up for most of the learning. What he did have a problem with was his forgetfulness and tendency to space out. He convinced some of his friends to try roleplaying. They did and they liked it They played mostly D&D, the system his older friend introduced him to. Later they tried many other RPGs but they kept playing D&D with short brakes for other ones. When he was 10 his parents signed him for a swimming course, which Andy liked. He wasn't very good at it, but for years of practice made him much, much better.The rest of the class considered him a nice if somewhat weird person.
When Andrew was 12 dad took him sailing for the first time. He loved it. They started going sailing every summer vacation and Andrew gained more and more experience in sailing. He's planning to go to a sailing camp to learn stuff his dad already forgot about so that he can became more of a real sailor.
In the beginning of Andy's education in Cochise there wasn't much happening for him. He played RPGs with some friends. He joined the book club because he just liked books mostly. And it was a good occasion to get some new ideas what to read because at this point he had already ran out of Terry Pratchett. Andy also joined the swim team. It seemed as a logical course of action, as he was a fairly competent swimmer at this point. He didn't have much problem socializing. People that didn't consider him to be okay considered him being either nerd, or weirdo, or both. He didn't like it but he acted like he didn't care. He did care, though. He cared what people he barely known thought or said about him. It made him a little disappointed with himself. As for now, he is on good terms with most of his class.
Andy is a good student overall. In the high school he finally learned to study. To the more important exams at least. That, of course, made his grades go up. Andy still doesn't like it though. He considers it necessary evil. He gets good marks, unless he forgets his homework or does something similiarly stupid and totally avoidable, like forgetting the day of the exam because he forgot to write it down. It happens more often than it should, because Andrew is disorganized. He also often stays late at night reading books or using his computer.
Advantages: While swimming itself probably wouldn't be very useful, it gave Andy good stamina and strength. He has good memory for things he thinks are important. He's intelligent and it can help him solve problems or outsmart people occasionally.
Disadvantages: Andy is disorganized. He often forgets about things that don't seem interesting or very important to him. He has problems with staying vigilant unless he focuses. Sometimes, he is too sensitive about what people say about him, which make it harder for him to find allies.
Howdy howdy. You already know me but I'll give you a formal introduction anyway: I'm MK Kilmarnock, and I'll be the staffer attending to Andrew Hapkins' profile today.
Short answer: Andrew is denied and needs some edits made before he'll be approved. The changes will be outlined below but before we get to them, a quick notes since this is your first go: Make all required changes by editing the original post of the thread (aka the profile itself), do not copy-paste the profile into a reply. Do not reply to this thread until all changes asked of you have been made or addressed. If, in your reply, you'd like to add a changelog detailing your work, that is okay. Alright, let's begin!
Andrew is pretty tall for his age, at 6,30 feet. That is a strange (and incorrect) way to denote height. You could write this as 6'3" or six feet three inches.
He's body shape is slim, but not athletic due to not having much physical activity. First problem: "He's" is a contraction of 'he is' and doesn't make sense here. You meant 'His body shape is slim'. Also, I find it hard to believe that somebody won't be at least a little athletic when sailing and swimming are included in their interests. Both of those activities are quite physical and require you to be in shape. Yes, even sailing, depending on the vessel.
Andrew's face is of fairly average appearance, grey-blue eyes, full lips, big nose and a few complexion problems. We here at SotF believe there's no such thing as average appearance. Andrew has grey-blue eyes, full lips, a big nose and some complexion problems but we want more detail. Thin face? Chubby? Round, rectangular, oval? What are these complexion problems? Does he suffer from acne typical of most teenagers or another, more serious skin condition?
He's pale His teeth aren't in perfect shape, because he never wanted to wear braces. This seems like a sentence fragment. "He's pale" looks like it should be his own sentence and, even if it was, it's unacceptable in how terse it is. His teeth may be crooked but why didn't his parents make him wear braces anyway?
In the summer he also wears jeans cut to knee lenght and T-shirts with punny overprints. Length. It's understandable for Andrew to not care about fashion, but you only mention jeans and hoodies. Does he commonly wear a hat or maybe a watch? Does he at least wear shoes, because that wasn't mentioned either.
Andrew was born on February 6th 1998 in Chicago to Charlie Hapkins, a house painter and Susan Hapkins, an accountant. This is a nitpick, but I'm a fan of the Oxford comma. A comma should be going between the words 'painter' and 'and'. Standard date procedure dictates a comma after '6th', as well.
He had a younger sister Mary, 2 years younger than him. As long as Mary is still alive, this sentence should be in present tense. Also write out numbers that are in-paragraph like this one - 'two years younger'.
Their names where Sticks and Stones and he and his sister used to play with them everytime their parents where busy working. Were. Every time. Were.
What he did have problem with was his forgetfulness and tendency to space out. Two ways to fix this one: "What he did have a problem with was..." or "What he did have problems with were..."
Unfortunately, girls weren't interested by Andrew, so his sensitive little soul got hurt quite frequently in this period Another strange passage. 'Sensitive little soul' is a bit of a tonal issue. You can be as colorful as you want in posts but dry up the profile a little bit. Andrew got his feelings hurt frequently, we get that, so express it to us the same way a terrorist writing an official dossier would.
He didn't like and for the first two years he just tried to make contact with the rest of the year I don't know what you're saying here. This sentence seems very incomplete.
I have some broader issues with the biography as well that I have to add here at the bottom. First, Andrew was born in Chicago but there is no mention of him and his family moving to Kingman, Arizona. At what stage in Andrew's life was the big change made?
Andrew's hobbies are all included in the profile (with one exception) which is great, but only loosely so. As an avid fan of RPGs myself, I'm wondering if you meant that he plays tabletop RPGs with his friends (Dungeons and Dragons, Pathfinder, Call of Cthulhu, Warhammer 40K) or video game RPGs. Flesh this out for me, please. Also 'webcomics' is not mentioned anywhere in Andrew's profile, so if it really isn't that important to him even if he enjoys them occasionally, it doesn't need to be listed as a hobby or interest. Why did Andrew start swimming in elementary school? Was he part of a junior swim team? How old was he when he started swimming? Is he any good? Has he won any awards? Does he swim for a non-scholastic organization? You mention his father took Andrew sailing when he was twelve (change the numeral to the word in the profile, by the way). Do they continue to sail often? Where do they sail? Is Andrew still in Chicago by this point, sailing on Lake Michigan, or are they all in Kingman? If they're in Kingman (as they should be currently), where do they sail? Finally, what kinds of books does Andrew like to read most commonly? Is he really into fantasy novels, or sci-fi, or mystery? These hobbies are all traces of the character that can be fleshed out to make him feel more like a real-live person.
Has Andrew's general laziness affected him in ways outside of his schooling? He's an 'average' student but what sort of grades does he get? Do any classes interest him enough for him to excel? Speaking of classes and books, how does spending nights reading make him 'unfocused'? Now that Andrew's a bit older and out of elementary school, has he had any more luck in trying to get girls to notice him? Does he have any strong feelings in this endeavor or has he given up?
Advantages: His creativity and intelligence would prove useful in crisic situations when supplies are scarce. This is way, way too vague an advantage. He has quite the imagination but there is presented no clear way for him to be able to apply it. Also it's 'critical' if you're describing a situation as a 'crisis'. Crisic is not a word. His ability to swim, while not unique would prove useful on some occasions. His sailing abilities might also be useful on some specific occasions. Possibly to the swimming, highly doubtful that sailing abilities could be considered an advantage when there is no real way for the students to obtain watercraft. It's like having 'great driver' as an advantage when, in recent version, any access to motor vehicles has been prohibited. Due to regular swimming training he also has slightly higher-than-average stamina. This is a good advantage but it does contrast with Andrew's 'non-athletic' body type which I noted earlier. Swimmers have great bodies to match their stamina.
Disadvantages: In crisic situations See above he may have problems maintaining relationships. He's a bad liar and he doesn't handle stress well. He's forgetful and unfocused and it would only get worse during crisic situations. My general thoughts towards these disadvantages are that they're a bit insubstantial. This is the first we've heard of Andrew being a bad liar, or being the type of individual who doesn't take stress well (and to be honest, what high school teenager really does?). What in particular is it about him that would give him problems in maintaining relationships? If you're going for the kind of advantage where Andrew panics in dangerous situations, describe it better and allude to it somewhere in his biography (perhaps a swimming or sailing incident that almost went terribly wrong).
Alright, so maybe there's a lot of work to be done before Andrew's in tip-top shape, but you CAN get there. Make those edits and get back to me and we'll see what needs to be done next.