Alvaro Vacanti

Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

April 26th, 2015, 10:10 pm #1

Name: Alvaro Vacanti
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Business, Working at the Café, Chess, Soccer

Appearance: Alvaro is Caucasian, stands at 5’7” and weighs 132 pounds. While not drastically underweight for his age, he is considerably short and light compared to others of his age. He has long, light blond hair, which goes down to his chin. It is straight, and he takes care in making sure it is kept tidy and not unruly every morning. He has blue eyes, which he covers with glasses. He generally only uses them to make out things further away to him, but he keeps them on when they're not needed, out of habit. With a petite nose, a smooth skin complexion, and deep eyes, he has features that could be considered cute, but he generally doesn’t take much notice of them, only taking care of them so that he looks presentable. He normally has an upright posture, although if he’s talking to a person he’s never talked to before, he’ll be a bit more bent forward, and fidgety, due to his social anxiety.

Alvaro tries to dress in a way so that he doesn’t have to change clothes when he works at the café, normally either wearing blank white button shirts, or a t-shirt that has the logo of the café on it, with a pair of jeans or other brand less pants to go with it, and formal black shoes, to match uniform at both Cochise and the café. He doesn't wear any other accessories. On the day of the abduction, he didn’t stray from his normal fashion style, wearing a t-shirt with his café’s logo on it, and a pair of plaid jeans.

Biography: Alvaro was born in Mexico City to parents Miguel and Silvia Vacanti, on September 27th. While the Vacanti clan was centered in Mexico, with Alvaro's side of the family having been there for several generations, many members had moved out into surrounding countries, such as the USA and Canada. Both parents were of a high class standing, due to very well-known café that Miguel had been able to launch off the ground and be successful with. Due to this, and the fact that Alvaro was an only child, he was somewhat spoiled by his parents, and was able to undertake an education at a prestigious elementary school. During elementary school, he was able to learn both his native language and English, due to the school's way of teaching (teaching in Spanish for the first half of the day, while teaching in English for the afternoon). He generally had visits from his uncle, Alejandro Vacanti, who lived in Kingman, Arizona. Other than that, nothing of interest happened during Alvaro’s early life, and he was able to enjoy a high class lifestyle without any threats to it.

However, when Alvaro was ten years old, his father shared some news that meant that Alvaro could no longer live this lifestyle. Alejandro had been in a car crash, and had broken his lower spine, becoming a paraplegic. Alejandro could no longer work, and he couldn't retire yet, not having enough funds to live in a home. Because they thought that the USA could provide better health care for Alejandro's condition, Miguel decided that his family was moving to America; so that they could continue the business while taking care of Alejandro. They sold the house, and on the 19th of November, moved into a house in Kingman, Arizona. A month after moving in, Alvaro was assigned into a middle school in the local area. Alvaro wasn't very happy with the move, due to having to leave his friends and teachers and go to a place that was completely unknown to him. He understood why he had to, though, and was sympathetic to what had happened to Alejandro.

Alvaro had trouble adapting to his new lifestyle, despite the fact that he knew English. The problem was that he knew his status as the new student from a foreign country, and worried about his ability to speak English. While he had been taught English along with his native language in elementary school, he wasn't confident about his abilities, and he thought that he wasn't speaking correctly. While his classmates understood what he was saying, Alvaro felt that they were hiding something from him, and that they were laughing about his inability to speak English behind his back. This escalated over the years, and while he now knows that he can speak English adequately, he developed a severe case of social anxiety. He feels that people deceive him, and talk about him behind his back. He knows about the high status that owning a café in the area brings, and feels that people pretend to like him to take advantage of that. He is aware that this is not normal for the average person his age, and tries to force his mind to get over it, and move on. It's still present to this day, however, and he tries to work his way around it by being extroverted and honest to people. He's only told people who he feels he can trust with the secret, and who he feels like him a lot and won't judge him for it. He hasn't told his parents about it, because he doesn't want them to worry about him, with him hiding it from them by not talking to them about his social life, unless prompted. While he doesn't know why it sparked up so suddenly, he thinks that it might have been something that he's had all his life, with it only sparking up due to the move and due to the maturing of the mind brought on by puberty.

Now that he is in his final year of high school, Alvaro dedicates his time to studying for his finals, and working at the café in the local area. His father, while not as successful as he was in Mexico (due to being on the same street as Cheryl's, a café that was bigger and had better service than Vacanti's), had succeeded in creating business in the USA, and had allowed them to live a lower-high class lifestyle. Alvaro does his best to advertise the café during the day, and, after school, he serves at the café as a waiter, having done so since he was fifteen, finding that it was a great bonding experience with his father and uncle (who works as a receptionist at the café), and talks to the customers while they wait for their food; and then goes home to study after the café closes at 7 PM. He generally likes working at the café, as it's a social experience that allows him to talk to new people every day, which he thinks might help him overcome his anxiety. He takes commerce courses, such as Running a Business and Economics, due to his interest in taking over the café when he graduates from college, allowing his father to potentially retire when he does so.

While he still cares for his mother, he doesn't have as much a bond with her as much as he does with his father and uncle, because she's the only member of the family who doesn't work at the cafe and thus he doesn't get a chance to talk with her as much.

Between working at the café and studying for homework and finals, Alvaro likes to spend his spare time either playing chess or soccer, both of which he picked up while in America. He discovered soccer during a PE class, and discovered that he was naturally talented at being a goalie. This talent gave him an interest, and he enrolled himself into the soccer team at Cochise, functioning as the goalie. He likes soccer as a hobby, and finds the sport exhilarating, loving the publicity and cheers he gets when he is able to successfully defend the goal and win. He found out about how to play chess while in the school library, and has since had a mild interest in it, due to the feeling that he gets when he's able to successfully outplay his opponent and checkmate their king. He isn't very good at it, though, and isn't the best tactical thinker, with him very often missing minor details that cause him to consistently lose matches most of the time. He's generally humble when he loses though, and tries to improve on this. He has enrolled into competitions several times representing Cochise, but doesn't get very far, due to poor tactical thinking.

Alvaro functions well in school, both academically and socially. His studying after the café closes pays off well, with him generally managing A’s in the majority of the subjects that he participates in. In particular, he excels and enjoys the health courses and social studies courses, due to being able to focus on himself, and learning about the actions of his ancestors. The two subjects that he struggles in are maths and physics, thinking of those units as easy at the start, but having them bring so many new concepts in that they become way too complicated for him. Despite the study that he does, he doesn't manage past a B for both of those subjects. In the social area of his life, Alvaro also excels. He has a close group of friends, generally from the soccer/chess clubs; and has formed a basic group around people who regularly go to his café, and talk to him while he serves them. He acts like a nice and upbeat person around them, trying to hide his anxiety, and he is generally driven away from people who bully or make fun of him, in particular, the bully crowd at the school. He not sure why they target him, but he thinks that it might be because of the café and his high class status. He tries to avoid these bullies in most scenarios, and if they confront him, he generally tries to shy away from the encounter and not talk to them. He can generally tell what's bullying and what's not, but sometimes he feels that corrections on his English are the person making fun of him for saying it wrong, because of his social anxiety.

After he finishes school, Alvaro wishes to take a business course at a college, learning the finer intricacies of how to run a successful business and how to apply them in practice. He has applied to Harvard, but hasn't gotten anything back yet, nor has he applied to a different college in the case that he is unsuccessful. After he finishes, he plans on taking over the business back in Mexico, so that his dad is able to retire and take full time in taking care of Alejandro. While he doesn’t have plans to marry someone and settle down, he isn’t against it, and while he hasn't dated anyone yet, he is actively heterosexual, and he has his eye on a couple of people who he has romantic interests in.

Advantages: Alvaro, due to playing soccer and working at the café for long periods, is physically fit, and can stand doing physical labour for long periods of time. Furthermore, he is intelligent, and can get himself out of a bad situation if he needs to.
Disadvantages: Alvaro is paranoid of others’ opinions of him, and this personality disorder could escalate during the game, due to the severity that is being on Survival of the Fittest. Furthermore, as his experiences in chess and colleges prove, Alvaro might not be the best tactical thinker, in terms of micromanaging and thinking ahead, as he always misses small details that add up in the end.
[+] Spoiler


G???: Anna "Roxanne" Herbert - "...It's a god-awful small affair..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3
THEME: Dire Straits - Skateaway

G???: Teresa Rojas - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2
THEME: Tata Young - Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me

B???: Jonathan Meyers - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1
THEME: Kate Miller-Heidke - Caught In The Crowd
[+] Spoiler
Ashley Tanner - The Tattooed Jackass - "We got the music, we got the drinks, I think we have a recipe for some rock n' roll."
Yuko Hayashibara - The Tomboy - "Yo, homeboy, come over here. I wanna play some ball."
[+] Spoiler


B003: Jeremy Frasier - ?Yeah. No regrets.? - 57%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Scoped Raging Bull, $1000, Wooden Baseball Bat, Eyepatch, Pancor Jackhammer
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

B013: Alvaro Vacanti - ?Thank... you...? - 41%
Kills: 3 | Equipped with: MAC-10
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: The Megas - The Haystack Principle

G030: Jasmine King - "I win." - 11%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Brass Knuckles
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3 | Sadie Hawkins: 1
V6: 1 2 3 4 5
THEME: Luck Ganriki - golden sneer


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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

April 26th, 2015, 10:16 pm #2

As you wish, Yugi!

First harsh critique: you have an extra line between Appearance and Biography. Post when that's taken care of, and someone will get cracking on the rest of the harshness!
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Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

April 26th, 2015, 10:16 pm #3

Done!
[+] Spoiler


G???: Anna "Roxanne" Herbert - "...It's a god-awful small affair..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3
THEME: Dire Straits - Skateaway

G???: Teresa Rojas - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2
THEME: Tata Young - Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me

B???: Jonathan Meyers - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1
THEME: Kate Miller-Heidke - Caught In The Crowd
[+] Spoiler
Ashley Tanner - The Tattooed Jackass - "We got the music, we got the drinks, I think we have a recipe for some rock n' roll."
Yuko Hayashibara - The Tomboy - "Yo, homeboy, come over here. I wanna play some ball."
[+] Spoiler


B003: Jeremy Frasier - ?Yeah. No regrets.? - 57%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Scoped Raging Bull, $1000, Wooden Baseball Bat, Eyepatch, Pancor Jackhammer
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

B013: Alvaro Vacanti - ?Thank... you...? - 41%
Kills: 3 | Equipped with: MAC-10
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: The Megas - The Haystack Principle

G030: Jasmine King - "I win." - 11%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Brass Knuckles
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3 | Sadie Hawkins: 1
V6: 1 2 3 4 5
THEME: Luck Ganriki - golden sneer


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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

April 27th, 2015, 9:15 am #4

Okie dokie. Here we go. Sorry if I'm at all rusty.

Anyhow, Alvaro's a really solid start but he is DENIED pending some adjustments.

5'10" is actually somewhat tall for Alvaro's age. At that weight, he'd be quite notably on the light end for others his height, as well--lighter than more than 80% of them.

This is a bit vague: "His vision is not dependant on these glasses though, only wearing them to help him read." Does Alvaro need glasses to read due to farsightedness? If so, why does he wear them around? Usually reading glasses are used only when reading, because they aren't as effective at a distance and can cause difficulties with perception (not to mention the very popular urban legend that they cause your eyesight to deteriorate if worn too much). Also, it's "dependent."

This: "He has features that a girl would call “cute”, although he generally doesn’t take notice them, only taking care of them so that he looks presentable." is a bit informal and vague. We're not really interested in what girls specifically think, and the use of quotation marks introduces ambiguity as to the meaning of the word "cute." More than that, I'm not actually sure what Alvaro looks like. What features stand out? What's his facial structure?

Why does Alvaro act differently around people he's not talked with before?

What sort of footwear does Alvaro favor? Does he wear any accessories or jewelry?

What's Alvaro's ethnicity? His profile loosely suggests that he's Hispanic, but his coloration of hair and eyes are much more typical of a Caucasian person.

What makes Alvaro attending elementary school worthy of mention? It's generally expected for children to attend.

How did Alvaro's father end up with an opportunity to expand his business? What convinced him to take it? The costs of property in the US tend to be much higher than in Mexico, and getting a visa can be difficult. What made it worthwhile to leave all that they knew, and already-achieved success, on a very unknown gamble? What about Kingman drew the family in particular? Kingman is not an area in much of an economic boom, meaning it's not a very likely place for new businesses to flourish, especially in competition with already-established local businesses.

What prompted Alvaro's self-consciousness? Why did he assume that others were deceiving him? Did he speak differently from them? Did anyone comment? His paranoia seems quite unusual because it's not prompted by anything and in fact flies totally contrary to all evidence he's presented with.

I'd like to know a lot more about Alvaro's hobbies and interests. What about cooking and the cafe appeal to him? When did he start working there? Why does business draw his attention? How does he feel about his father's choices in light of his study here and the family's significantly declining fortunes?

What about chess and soccer does Alvaro like? How does he feel about his failures in chess? Also, chess as a competitive event usually doesn't have try-outs; most of the time competitions are pretty open to anyone, though he might be eliminated early, and chess at a school level is often the province of open clubs.

Why does Alvaro put on an extroverted mask?

How much work does Alvaro put into his schoolwork? What classes does he like best, and why? What about science makes him struggle with it?

As a senior, Alvaro should have already applied to colleges. Has he gotten in anywhere?

if Alvaro's family still has their business in Mexico, why are they struggling through a lower-class life in the US? Why not move back to where things were working better for them and cut their losses?

Has Alvaro dated anyone? He seems a bit young to be thinking about marriage.

Alvaro's difficulties with tactical thinking need a lot of fleshing out, especially since they seem to fly in the face of his intelligence. What causes them? How do they manifest in his normal life? What exactly are they? Difficulty with tactics in the combat sense isn't really a disadvantage, since it's something almost no student would have skill in. Difficulties with planning things doesn't seem to gel with the rest of his characters, since he's a very goal-driven person.

Alright. All that said, there are two big issues I'm having with Alvaro's profile and a few things that are not included but should be.

Issue #1: Alvaro's family situation and move from Mexico. Basically, it's just not something that's making sense as currently presented. The easiest fix would be to change things such that Alvaro actually grew up in Kingman and that's where his father founded his business, presumably after moving in search of better opportunities before he owned his own cafe. If you don't want to go that way, that's fine, but it raises a bunch of questions. Alvaro's father seems oddly attached to a losing venture, and I'm not sure why, given how he was apparently highly successful prior to the move. More than that, as a business location, Kingman doesn't have much to offer--I'd want to now what specifically brought him here as opposed to a bigger city or a place where it's easier to get started.

Issue #2: Alvaro's serious social paranoia. Basically, the problem here is that this issue forms a massive part of Alvaro's life but comes up without any clear cause. I want to see some reason behind it, and I want to know a bunch about how it affects him, how he feels about it, how it informs his actions and changes his life and how his parents feel about it. I can't imagine him holding onto this for over half a decade without anything ever supporting it--that starts to sound like a more serious mental disorder of some sort, or at the very least a cause for therapy.

Missing stuff:

I'd like to hear more about Alvaro's family. How is his relationship with his parents? Does he have any siblings? Extended family? How has his relationship with them evolved over time? How does he feel about working for them--that's the sort of thing that can be a great bonding experience, incredibly stressful, or (most often) some mix of both.

I want to know a lot about how Alvaro interacts with others. Who are his friends? How does he act around them? What draws him to a person or pushes him away from them? What does he like to do with his friends? How is his relationship with his soccer teammates and the other chess enthusiasts? Does he ever encounter classmates while working in the cafe?

I'd like a bit more detail of Alvaro's time growing up. Especially if he's still moving from Mexico, that's a huge change, and I want to now how he feels about it. How did such a notable change in lifestyle affect him? What was it like being separated from his social groups? How has his attitude evolved over the years? His interests?

And, some grammar:

"and weighs at 132 pounds." <The "at" should be cut.

"either normally wearing" would be better as "normally either wearing"

Sometimes you include the accent on "café" and sometimes you don't; I don't care which way you do it, but I'd like it to be consistent throughout the profile.

"elementary school" is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized. Ditto "high school."

"During elementary school, he was able to learn both his native language and English at a young age" <Cut "at a young age" as it is redundant and muddies the meaning of the sentence.

"the schools way of teaching" -> "the school's way of teaching"

Generally speaking, numerals such as "10" should be spelled out ("ten").

As a male, Alvaro would be a waiter, not a waitress.

I think that's the bulk of it, at least for now. Post when you've got Alvaro edited, and I'll give him another look. I think there's a really promising core to his concept, it's just that the details could use some expanding/tweaking/fleshing out.

P.S. I'm glad you're down for picky criticism. For the record, I did not go harder due to that request, though.
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Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

April 28th, 2015, 6:28 am #5

thank you for your harsh critique

Edits made!
[+] Spoiler


G???: Anna "Roxanne" Herbert - "...It's a god-awful small affair..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3
THEME: Dire Straits - Skateaway

G???: Teresa Rojas - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2
THEME: Tata Young - Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me

B???: Jonathan Meyers - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1
THEME: Kate Miller-Heidke - Caught In The Crowd
[+] Spoiler
Ashley Tanner - The Tattooed Jackass - "We got the music, we got the drinks, I think we have a recipe for some rock n' roll."
Yuko Hayashibara - The Tomboy - "Yo, homeboy, come over here. I wanna play some ball."
[+] Spoiler


B003: Jeremy Frasier - ?Yeah. No regrets.? - 57%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Scoped Raging Bull, $1000, Wooden Baseball Bat, Eyepatch, Pancor Jackhammer
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

B013: Alvaro Vacanti - ?Thank... you...? - 41%
Kills: 3 | Equipped with: MAC-10
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: The Megas - The Haystack Principle

G030: Jasmine King - "I win." - 11%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Brass Knuckles
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3 | Sadie Hawkins: 1
V6: 1 2 3 4 5
THEME: Luck Ganriki - golden sneer


Hi! I have a blog! Please check it out and follow and stuff!
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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

April 30th, 2015, 6:07 am #6

Heya, Yugi! Alvaro's looking a lot better, but there are still a few things that could use some tweaking.

How bad is Alvaro's eyesight? I'm still a bit thrown by his wearing his reading glasses all the time. Might it work better if he was mildly nearsighted instead? I only suggest this change because wearing reading glasses at all times is really unusual, but wearing regular glasses at all times is normal and if he's only mildly affected there won't be too notable a difference in the effects on his life.

I'd actually generally rather Alvaro's social issues be referred to as "social anxiety"--"paranoia" just makes it sound like a bigger deal than it seems to be.

Alvaro's rationale for moving generally is much better, but I have a few questions still. Why didn't they move Alejandro to Mexico City instead of moving the whole family to him? Also, I'm a bit curious about where Alvaro's family hails from--Mexico does have a pretty decent local Caucasian population, but I'm wondering how long Alvaro's family has been in Mexico, and whether he has any other extended family and where they live.

I'm still really not sold on the degree of Alvaro's paranoia, because it just manifests out of nowhere in a way that makes it feel a lot more like a symptom of some existing problem than a natural progression of events. I don't buy that he could keep it totally secret, especially when it's something that affects how he interacts with others (who do tend to pick up on such things). I'd like to see a more clear explanation and fallout for this, a scaling back of the magnitude, or, ideally, a bit of both.

"a café that was bigger and had bigger service than Vacanti's" <- I don't quite follow what you mean by bigger service. can you rephrase that?

"after School" -> "after school"

"He generally likes working at the café, as it's a social experience that allows him to talk to new people every day." <- this seems really odd given Alvaro's social anxiety. Is he able to interact with customers more easily than classmates for some reason? It's fine if he is; I'd just like to know why.

"School Library" -> "school library"

Can you rephrase "the PDHPE and HSIE courses" please? I looked them up and get what you mean, but the acronyms aren't common in the US, so it may end up confusing to others. I think generally speaking, "health class" is PDHPE and "social studies" is roughly HSIE.

Subjects shouldn't be capitalized unless they're languages.

"clubs; and has formed a" -> "clubs, and has formed a"

Do many people bully or make fun of Alvaro? Can we get a bit more detail there? It might help explain his anxiety a bit more.

"After Alvaro finishes school, Alvaro wishes to take a business course" -> "After he finishes school, Alvaro wishes to take a business course"

Harvard is really tough to get into, and tuition is expensive once you do. Has Alvaro applied to any backup schools?

"After he finishes, he plans on taking over the business back in Mexico, so that his dad has less work on his plate while working in the USA." <- this info has changed, so it should just be edited to agree with his new motivations (letting his dad retire).

I'd like a tiny bit more info on how Alvaro gets along with his family, especially his mother and his uncle, who don't really come up in his bio at present.

Can we hear a little more about Alvaro's poor planning, especially outside of chess? Might that be why he only applied to Harvard? I'm not against it as a disadvantage; I just want to see it shine through a bit more.

Post when you've got Alvaro edited, and I'll give him another look. Thanks!
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Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

May 1st, 2015, 3:04 am #7

Fixed!

Anything more?
[+] Spoiler


G???: Anna "Roxanne" Herbert - "...It's a god-awful small affair..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3
THEME: Dire Straits - Skateaway

G???: Teresa Rojas - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2
THEME: Tata Young - Sexy Naughty Bitchy Me

B???: Jonathan Meyers - "..." - 0%
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1
THEME: Kate Miller-Heidke - Caught In The Crowd
[+] Spoiler
Ashley Tanner - The Tattooed Jackass - "We got the music, we got the drinks, I think we have a recipe for some rock n' roll."
Yuko Hayashibara - The Tomboy - "Yo, homeboy, come over here. I wanna play some ball."
[+] Spoiler


B003: Jeremy Frasier - ?Yeah. No regrets.? - 57%
Kills: 2 | Equipped with: Scoped Raging Bull, $1000, Wooden Baseball Bat, Eyepatch, Pancor Jackhammer
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

B013: Alvaro Vacanti - ?Thank... you...? - 41%
Kills: 3 | Equipped with: MAC-10
PREGAME - Past: 1 2 3 | Present: 1 2 3 4 5 | Sadie Hawkins: 1 2
V6: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
THEME: The Megas - The Haystack Principle

G030: Jasmine King - "I win." - 11%
Kills: 0 | Equipped with: Brass Knuckles
PREGAME - Past: 1 | Present: 1 2 3 | Sadie Hawkins: 1
V6: 1 2 3 4 5
THEME: Luck Ganriki - golden sneer


Hi! I have a blog! Please check it out and follow and stuff!
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MurderWeasel
MW's Private Rank
Joined: February 18th, 2009, 7:01 am

May 3rd, 2015, 7:36 am #8

Heya, Yugi! Alvaro's looking a lot better, but I have a few questions/minor tweaks left.

Has Alvaro's family been in Mexico for several years (implying they moved during his parents'/grandparents' lifetime) or several generations? The latter makes much more sense to me, but right now it's written as the former.

This: "several members had moved out into surrounding countries, such as the USA and Canada." seems to contradict this: "He has no other extended family that he knows of, other than grandparents that died before he was born." Getting rid of one or the other would clear things up--or maybe even just noting that Alvaro's grandparents died but not saying anything about other extended family members.

I'm a bit thrown by Alejandro being unable to get a visa. Isn't he a Mexican citizen? Mexico also isn't as picky about granting visas as the US, in most situations. Might it instead derails his attempts at getting citizenship to move out of the country? Or might the family believe that the medical opportunities and infrastructure to support Alejandro are more developed in the US?

"While he still cares for his mother, he doesn't have as much a bond with her as much as he does with his father and uncle, because she's the only member of the family who doesn't work at the cafe and he doesn't get a chance to talk with her as much." -> "While he still cares for his mother, he doesn't have as much of a bond with her as he does with his father and uncle, because she's the only member of the family who doesn't work at the cafe and thus he doesn't get a chance to talk with her as much."

"with him very often missing minor detail that cause him to consistently lose matches most of the time." -> "with him very often missing minor details that cause him to lose matches most of the time." (consistently is redundant here and details should be pluralized).

I'd like to hear a bit more about Alvaro an the bullies still. Why do they pick on him? How does he act around them? Does his anxiety ever cause him to misinterpret things as bullying when they aren't?

"as his experiences in chess and colleges prove,' _> "as his experiences in chess and applying for colleges prove,"

One last thing on Alvaro's anxiety: do his parents know about it? If so, how do they feel? If not, why has he kept it from them, and how has he managed to do so?

Post when you've got that taken care of, and I'll give Alvaro another look. Thanks!
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Yugikun
Mr. Danya
Joined: September 17th, 2014, 5:36 am

May 3rd, 2015, 10:21 pm #9

fixed plz accept him
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