Alice Baker

Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

April 26th, 2015, 2:57 pm #1

Name: Alice Baker
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 11th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Reading, drawing, playing violin, blogging, songwriting, writing

Appearance: A petite, waiflike girl, Alice’s age is belied by her youthful appearance. She is only 5 feet tall, and weighs about 100 pounds. She is slender, with long, bony arms and legs. She has a flat stomach and chest, and isn’t very curvy. Alice’s hair is a light blonde, styled in a somewhat unkempt pixie cut with long bangs. Her eyes are large and round, with dark blue irises. Her skin is pale and clear of blemishes, though she occasionally develops acne on her nose. Her face is childlike; a large forehead, small button nose, thin light eyebrows, apple round cheeks and small ears. Her lips are full, and she has downturned eyes. Alice never wears makeup or piercings, but has excellent personal care; her teeth are straight and white after years of braces, and she takes good care of her hair, though she often forgets to brush it.

Alice dresses modestly, preferring pastel colors such as pink and blue, as well as skirts, blouses and tees. She often wears a black plastic hairband to keep her bangs out of her face. On the abduction, Alice wore a pastel pink blouse, a red pleated skirt and black Mary Jane shoes with white socks, as well as her hairband.

Biography: Daniel and Louise Baker, childhood friends and a couple since high school, had Alice in their hometown of Kingman, Arizona. Alice has an older sister named Molly, her senior by two years, and grew up in middle class in a small suburb of Kingsman. Her father was a marketing manager at a local business, while her mother was a homemaker.

Even in her youth, Alice was quiet, preferring to play alone rather than causing mischief. In contrast, Molly was far more energetic and eager, if a bit of a brat and prone to tantrums when she didn’t get her way. While her parents were always loving, Dan and Louise were a bit distant from their children. Though they were responsible and took care of their children, as Alice and Molly became more independent they were more or less content to let the girls go about their business without interfering as long as they got acceptable grades and didn’t bring issues to their attention. They favored a hands-off manner of parenting, preferring to allow their children to develop lives of their own without coddling them.

As the girls got older though, a hostile dynamic seemed to develop. Molly’s brat phase gradually evolved into becoming bossy and critical of Alice, often coercing her into doing things for her. Alice, timid and avoidant of conflict, often went along with these demands to avoid starting a fight. As this continued, Alice’s main motive of avoiding conflicts in general became appeasement, growing accustomed to letting the other person have their way to avoid causing a problem. This was further exacerbated when her parents got involved, as she quickly found that she didn't like dragging others into issues. As such, Daniel and Louise were generally kept in the dark when Alice found herself getting picked on, since she avoided telling them and most conflict came up when their parents weren't present.

This was to Alice’s detriment in school early on, because when other kids demanded she give them a toy or crayon, Alice usually did so. She was used to her much older sister doing the same, so it became second nature. When this began to grow into bullying, her teachers stepped in, but Alice never really stood up to people even then.

As a little girl, Alice was a book enthusiast; when she was very young, she would cry when one of her parents read her a bedtime story because she herself couldn’t read yet. When they responded by teaching her as soon as she could learn, Alice developed a voracious appetite for books. As she grew, she found reading a relaxing and fun way to spend her time, with exciting adventures and stories being told in many different ways. She found that books had more varied presentations and subjects than television, and vastly preferred the former. Alice continued to read later in life as well, favoring young adult novels featuring dystopias, with the occasional fantasy or romance novel. The extraordinary and surreal nature of these genres appealed most to Alice, whose vivid imagination made immersive settings more appealing.

When she was 8 years old, Alice’s love of reading quickly led her to look into means to express herself and tell stories in other ways until she could become a skilled writer herself. Her first instinct was to pick music, as her mother loved piano music and she loved the sounds it made. Her attempts to coerce her parents to let her learn to play instrument were met with surprise, then agreement; since Alice was usually not one to demand things, this was obviously important to her. After selecting violin for its elegant shape and because a character in a book she liked had played it, Alice quickly proved to be a skilled violinist. The sounds a violin made when played were particularly appealing to her. If she has a bad day, Alice would come home to spend hours in her room playing to help relax.

Alice eventually took a childhood fondness for doodling to new levels by practicing serious drawing. It took a lot of practice and study, but Alice’s rough sketches have grown to be rather elaborate and detailed, with a distinctly stylized flair. Alice favors drawing characters or events from novels, but sometimes draws her own original characters or the occasional scenery sketch or reference picture. Her vivid imagination gives her great expressive ability in art, as Alice able to quickly demonstrate an idea in a picture with simple yet often colorful or elaborate pictures.

While she loves creating for the sake of doing so, Alice had become somewhat disillusioned with her artistic endeavors around middle school. She didn’t have many friends and wasn’t very close to the ones she had, so much of her music and drawing went unseen by anyone but herself. After a period of artistic ennui, Alice discovered a fortuitous location to show the world her creations; the internet. Creating a blog, Alice uploaded pictures she’d drawn and videos of music she’d played.

This blog quickly expanded, gaining a respectable audience. Alice, enjoying her opportunity to share her works as well as do art for others if they requested it, began adding short stories, fanfictions and general writings she had created. Fanfiction in particular took up much of the blog, since Alice found great joy in recreating her favorite stories with her own spin. While her writing was initially somewhat rough, she quickly developed a distinct style, making use of her sense of humor and experience with other novels and fanfictions to avoid pitfalls and learn from her mistakes. Her work has greatly improved in both quality and speed since she started her blog, and Alice loves to write, perform, draw, and make use of her artistic talent.

Recently, Alice has begun experimenting with composing music. Her experience writing other stories and listening to lots of music has given her an inspiration to do the same herself. Despite her mixed results with some of her songs, usually played alone in her room, Alice enjoys the process of creating new and unique sounds and songs with her music.

Despite her relative success online, Alice is something of an unknown in school. While not as shy and timid as she was, Alice still has a tendency to be somewhat socially insecure and though polite avoids extended conversations. As such, she has only a small group of dedicated friends, mostly those who share her love for art, literature or music. Her teachers generally don’t make note of her, as she is quiet in class and doesn’t cause trouble. She has excellent English marks, and does well in science and history, but struggles some in math. Alice's favorite classes are her art courses, which she excels in from her extracurricular work in the subject. Her grades overall are excellent, as Alice is very bright and has a good memory.

At home, things are a bit different. Molly, attending her freshman year in a local college, thinks of Alice as a child. Since Molly still lives at home, the two remain engaged in mutually agreed toleration, and thus conflict is more or less averted, though tensions boil over periodically. Still, Alice gets along well with her parents, not expecting too much out of them and being content with them as they are. Her parents in turn get along with Alice, though they often wonder if they’ve done enough for her. In particular, Louise makes more of an effort to involve herself in Alice’s life, and the two have grown closer over books.

Alice is outwardly a shy and quiet girl who doesn’t make much contact with others and shrinks away from large social gatherings. However, she is keenly intelligent, with an excellent sense of humor, mostly online or in her private thoughts. Alice is witty and clever, but worries about offending people and never makes quips to people’s faces for fear of upsetting them. She is empathetic and cares about how others feel, but doesn’t express these often, and tends to recede into the background in large groups. Alice is very submissive and passive, and is loath to engage in a fight or argument, preferring to give in rather than standing her ground. She is happy with her life, and feels that while she has few friends in person, her online contacts and friends whom she engages with in chat rooms and the like, make up for it, as does her artistic bent.

As senior year approached, Alice initially worried about the prospect of living on her own, since she wants to have the opportunity to become independent as soon as she can and doesn't want to live at home for too long. She made some money drawing commissions on her blog, but she didn’t think she made enough to live on her own without a proper career. Her writing was good, but she was scared to publish a proper novel or short story. Her songwriting was fun, but she wasn’t excellent at it. Alice currently believes her talent with violin would allow her to become a violinist as a career, though she has doubts about how well this will go for her. She does intend to study at college for music theory, but hopes to find a way to incorporate all her hobbies into a dream career.

Advantages: Alice’s reticent behavior and slight stature makes her very non-threatening, unlikely to stir a conflict. She is smart, and tends to be good at managing tasks.
Disadvantages: Small, non-athletic and demure, Alice’s ability to actually launch an offensive is limited. She isn’t especially popular or sociable, which could put her at risk as an easier or more acceptable victim. Her submissive response to conflict also makes her likely to fall prey to violence.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
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Slam
Mr. Danya
Slam
Mr. Danya
Joined: August 11th, 2009, 7:39 pm

April 26th, 2015, 4:05 pm #2

Hi Espi, welcome to V6. Alice is a good start, but is DENIED pending some revision.


In the interest section, ‘fanfiction writing’ should really just be ‘writing’, considering that you’ve mentioned other forms of writing such as short stories and general writings alongside fanfiction.


Appearance looks good, with two small points:
wrote: She is slender, with long, bony arms and legs and graceful fingers
Graceful fingers is a bit flowery and not entirely clear in this context. I’d appreciate it if you used a different word.

You’ve mentioned that her skin is clear of blemishes twice.


The biography has a few areas that I’d like to see more elaboration on:

Why were Daniel and Louise distant from their children? If Louise is a homemaker than she must be spending a significant portion of the day with them, especially when they’re so young. A little elaboration on why they’re like this would be great.

Why didn’t her parents object to Molly bullying Alice?

Did her parents respond at all to Alice being so upset over her inability to read, like trying to teach her some basic reading before she started school?

Why does she prefer those genres of books?

Why did she go for music as a means to express herself?
wrote: The sweet, clear music it created appealed to her, melancholy and sorrowful or joyous and exuberant.
This is a bit too flowery again; remember to keep to an objective tone.

When did Alice get an interest in fanfictions? So far you’ve only mentioned her liking novels.
wrote: As such, she has only a small group of dedicated friends, mostly those who share her love for art, literature or music. She isn’t especially unpopular, though; she is inoffensive and nice, just not very personable. She doesn’t have a lot of enemies, but she has only a few friends. To most, she is simply a not-unwelcome presence.
This bit feels like it’s repeating itself, since you’ve essentially said ‘she doesn’t offend people but doesn’t have many friends’ a few times. As such, it could do with a bit of a rewrite.

Is Alice not taking art class? Does she not do well in it? The subject seems quite relevant to her personal passions to not be mentioned.

If Molly lives at home and Alice is worried about the cost of living separately, what’s stopping her from living at home too?


As for advantages:
wrote: Alice’s reticent behavior and slight stature makes her a good candidate to avoid other’s violent intents.
I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. She’s modest and small so people won’t try to attack her? Because that’s unlikely to really hold water on the island.
wrote: She is smart and level-headed and a good decision-maker.
I’m not seeing much justification for being level-headed or a good decision maker in the profile.


Post here when you’ve tackled these points, and I’ll be happy to give Alice another look!
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

April 26th, 2015, 4:21 pm #3

Edited! Hopefully this fixes those issues.
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
Like
Share

Slam
Mr. Danya
Slam
Mr. Danya
Joined: August 11th, 2009, 7:39 pm

April 26th, 2015, 4:55 pm #4

Almost! There’s just a handful of things I’d like you to look at again:
wrote: As this continued, and her parents did not object, Alice’s main motive of avoiding conflicts in general became appeasement, growing accustomed to letting the other person have their way to avoid causing a problem. This was further exacerbated when her parents got involved, as she quickly found that she didn't like dragging others into issues. As such, Daniel and Louise were generally kept in the dark when Alice found herself getting picked on, since she avoided telling them and most conflict came up when their parents weren't present.
Keeping the bolded part of this section makes the whole thing a bit of a confusing read, since you’ve described her parents not objecting but then objecting after all. It would read better if you snipped that part out.

I've also italicised a missing 'to' in the first sentence of the quote.
wrote: She found that books had more varied presentations and subjects than television, and vastly preferred the former. Alice continues to read later in life as well, favoring young adult novels featuring dystopias, with the occasional fantasy or romance novel. The extraordinary and surreal nature of these genres appealed most to Alice, whose vivid imagination made immersive settings more appealing.
You’ve gone back and forth between past and present tense here, so you need to stay in just one of them.
wrote:Alice’s reticent behavior and slight stature gives her an edge in avoiding others.
I’m still not quite seeing how this advantage plays out, since being small and polite doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be better at not bumping into people. May I suggest that her reticent behaviour and slight stature gives her an edge in avoiding threatening or antagonising others?


Post here again when you’ve had a look at these, and Alice should be good to go!
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Espi
Winner
Joined: November 20th, 2012, 9:32 pm

April 26th, 2015, 4:58 pm #5

Thanks for the critique. Edited as requested (I hope : P)
V5: Cut Short
Theodore Fletcher
Nina Clarke
Gwen O'Connor

V6: Broken Down
Alice Baker (->Aura)
Henry Spencer
Blair Moore

V7: Unprepared
Rhonda Lawson[/b
Toby Underwood
Paloma Salt
Like
Share