Marion Clayton

Un67
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Un67
Rookie
Joined: November 15th, 2010, 8:20 pm

February 21st, 2011, 7:54 pm #1

Name: Marion Clayton
Gender: Female
Age: 16
School: Silver Dragon Academy
Hobbies and Interests: Studying, piano, privacy

Appearance: Marion is generally considered to be somewhat attractive, at 5'7", taller then average, and has curly auburn hair, lively green eyes, relatively thin lips, and a rounded yet symmetrical face. Her figure is fairly slender and not particularly curvy, with her weight at 137 pounds, and she has a slightly less then average sized chest as well as slightly wider hips. She usually wears fairly formal clothes, but depending on the occasion she's willing to dress more casually. When she was chosen to go on SOTF - TV, her consisted of a black sweater vest over a white formal shirt with a black skirt going just below her knees, and a pair of black sneakers.

Biography: Marion was born north of Austin in the suburbs as the only child of a fairly successful family, with her mother Elizabeth a successful businesswoman and her father Alexander an investigative journalist. She grew up quite happily, and proved herself to be a very bright student, if somewhat introverted, although she was quite capable of making good friends. Given her status as an only child, she grew to become very close with both of her parents, and they both paid to give her tuition in a private school (which became something that was nonnegotiable in the budget over time, even if times were tough).

However, her happiness was shattered when she was in the sixth grade when her father went overseas to investigate a civil war in Africa, but was caught in the crossfire and barely escaped with his life, and had several serious injuries. He was quickly brought back to America, and had to be hospitalized for several injuries caused by shrapnel. Although her father eventually recovered, he was greatly shattered by the incident and was later diagnosed for post-traumatic stress disorder. He became extremely distant from his family, both Marion and her mother, and was unable to continue working or function well socially for several years.

Marion was extremely distraught at what had happened to her father and the distance between them, and began to become depressed and did very badly in school as a result. Unable to take care of Marion completely by herself, due to having to take two jobs to cover all of the costs incurred by Alexander's treatment and his lack of a job, Marion's mother called over Marion's uncle, Brian, to help her take care of Marion. Brian was a retired professor and was generally quite strict in his treatment of Marion, but was ultimately very compassionate under the surface and did all that was in his power to make Marion's life better. While Marion was initially very distrustful of her uncle, eventually he grew closer to Marion and essentially became her surrogate father, abit one that only came on weekends and pushed her quite hard with her education (which would come to make sense to Marion when she discovered that he was helping to pay tuition for the academy).

Generally, Marion did well in school, being for the most part an A student. Her favorite classes became music (partly due to her constant playing on the piano) and English, as she enjoyed the chance to read and write. Marion still remained fairly introverted, but as she grew up she would discover that it wasn't just a few boys that had taken a liking to her, and the fact that she would practically always decline would actually make her "hard to get" and actually got more attention. Some people actually became somewhat jealous at her ability to attract some people inadvertently without even trying, although Marion always considered it more of an annoyance then an advantage. She, instead, preferred to just be able to make friends and leave it at that, which she discovered didn't really work on most of her admirers. In this time, she would come to appreciate having privacy and took up the piano as a creative outlet and played it to relax herself when she was tense (which was a fairly large amount of the time). Still, she managed to find her own circle of friends, and even if she wasn't popular, she was still well-liked. One thing she never really understood was the obsession around SOTF-TV. While she certainly didn't hate it, she found the show somewhat distasteful, although she did sometimes occasionally watch it. Recently, her father began showing signs of improvement after years of therapy and Marion finally felt like she could become close with her again. Her distance from her father has also contributed to her very close relationships with her mother and uncle, and Marion strongly held to both of these relationships at all costs, no matter what happened.

Advantages: While she's far from popular, Marion is generally well liked among the students at Silver Dragon Academy. She's also quite attractive to some people, although she never truly wished to be and isn't too sure how she would use it. Marion is also quite intelligent, and is generally very intuitive when it comes to learning. Finally, she wants to be with her parents at any and all costs and thus she's very determined to survive.
Disadvantages: Her relationship with her parents also makes her quite fragile if she's put into the wrong position. Marion's also somewhat likely to look things over, as her single-mindedness in trying to be with her parents causes her to ignore some things. Finally, her reputation sometimes comes to bite her in the back as some might be jealous of her being attractive to others without actually trying to be.
[+] Spoiler
M18: Johan Luther (DECEASED)
Weapons: Sports Javelin (Assigned), Kimber Desert Warrior (Collected)
Thread Chain: () () () () ()
Last Words: "There is in fact no such thing as art for art's sake."
[+] Spoiler
BRN04: Marion Clayton (DECEASED)
Team: BROWN
Weapons: Nodachi (Assigned)
Thread Chain: <> - () () () () ()
Last Words: "Sorry."

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MurderWeasel
Mini Maestro
MurderWeasel
Mini Maestro
Joined: March 29th, 2010, 12:14 am

February 22nd, 2011, 2:54 am #2

Hi, Un67!

Marion's profile is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a few changes.

To start with, I'd like you to give her a numerical weight.

Next, this sentence: "She usually wears fairly formal clothes, but depending on the occasion she's unwilling to dress more casually" is confusing. Do you mean she is willing to dress less formally? If you mean she always dresses formally, without exception, you should phrase it more directly.

Next off, you should break up your biography into paragraphs.

Also, Silver Dragon Academy is in Bryan, Texas, not Detroit.

Schizophrenia is, from my research, not something that can be brought on in adults due to emotional trauma. Similarly, the entire ransom story is a bit out there, and should be either clarified and expanded upon (where did Marion's mother get the money? When was this?) or change for something else.

I also want to know more about Marion's life before that incident. What was she like then?

I'd like to hear a bit more about her school life. What are her favorite classes? Does she participate in any extracurriculars?

I find it odd that you list using attractiveness as an advantage, because nothing in Marion's profile implies that she would do so.

I also want her parental relationship making her fragile explained more fully. How would it do that?

An average physical shape, as you imply, is not a disadvantage; it is, as suggested, average.

I'd also like to see more in her bio about the jealousy she engenders.

Post when you've got Marion edited, and we'll give her another look. Thanks!
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."
[+] Spoiler
The Program V1:
M06: Karl Chalmers - American Flag - The Mess Hall - DECEASED
F09: Nichole "Nikki" Campbell - 6 Pack of Beer (0/6) - Open Ground - DECEASED

The Program V2:
M08: Alexander Bonham - Steel Folding Chair - The Pine Stands - DECEASED
F20: Robin Pounds - Stress Ball - Mountain Track - DECEASED

SOTF-TV V1:
PRP3: Karen Ruiz - Glock 17 (0/17 +1 bullet), WASP Knife, Swordcane - Over and out - ELIMINATED - "I don't find pointless death funny."
W02: Renée Carlson - Straight Razor - The Resort Beach - DECEASED

SOTF-TV V2:
SS4: Austin White - Gold Retractable Spyglass - The World Oyster - DECEASED

Second Chances V1:
G16: Nicole Husher (thanks to TBH!) - Colt Single Action Army - The Makeshift Hospital - DECEASED

Second Chances V2:
B12: Richard Ormsby - x4 Flashbang Grenades - The Ravine - DECEASED
B22: William Lohman - Winchester Model 1897 - The Ravine - DECEASED

BR AU:
B15: Shuya Nanahara - No Weapon - The School Building - DECEASED
B20: Kyoichi Motobuchi - Bulletproof Vest - Tourist Association - DECEASED
G01: Mizuho Inada - Grenades (0/2) - Clinic - DECEASED

SOTF Evolution:
Subject C01: Samantha Reynolds - Facial Morphing - The Cove - ELIMINATED

VIRTUA SOTF:
M11: Richard Ormsby - Cowbell - The Corssroads Bridge - GAME OVER
M22: William Lohman - Hockey Stick - The Corssroads Bridge - GAME OVER
If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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Un67
Rookie
Un67
Rookie
Joined: November 15th, 2010, 8:20 pm

February 22nd, 2011, 4:40 pm #3

I've edited it. I hope that this should be fine.
[+] Spoiler
M18: Johan Luther (DECEASED)
Weapons: Sports Javelin (Assigned), Kimber Desert Warrior (Collected)
Thread Chain: () () () () ()
Last Words: "There is in fact no such thing as art for art's sake."
[+] Spoiler
BRN04: Marion Clayton (DECEASED)
Team: BROWN
Weapons: Nodachi (Assigned)
Thread Chain: <> - () () () () ()
Last Words: "Sorry."

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MurderWeasel
Mini Maestro
MurderWeasel
Mini Maestro
Joined: March 29th, 2010, 12:14 am

February 24th, 2011, 3:01 am #4

Looks like you've got Marion all fixed up.

APPROVED
Current characters:

The Program: V3 Prologue:
Mina Mashall - Digital Voice Recorder - Making a good impression - "I didn't know you felt so strongly about me."
Erik Bell - Jericho .941 - Having lunch - "May I?"

SECOND CHANCES: V2:
Assorted flora and fauna

SOTF-TV V2:
EW4: Jewel Evans - Chatterbox Communicator Headsets (0/5) - Online - ELIMINATED - "Scars are just reminders to be better next time."
[+] Spoiler
The Program V1:
M06: Karl Chalmers - American Flag - The Mess Hall - DECEASED
F09: Nichole "Nikki" Campbell - 6 Pack of Beer (0/6) - Open Ground - DECEASED

The Program V2:
M08: Alexander Bonham - Steel Folding Chair - The Pine Stands - DECEASED
F20: Robin Pounds - Stress Ball - Mountain Track - DECEASED

SOTF-TV V1:
PRP3: Karen Ruiz - Glock 17 (0/17 +1 bullet), WASP Knife, Swordcane - Over and out - ELIMINATED - "I don't find pointless death funny."
W02: Renée Carlson - Straight Razor - The Resort Beach - DECEASED

SOTF-TV V2:
SS4: Austin White - Gold Retractable Spyglass - The World Oyster - DECEASED

Second Chances V1:
G16: Nicole Husher (thanks to TBH!) - Colt Single Action Army - The Makeshift Hospital - DECEASED

Second Chances V2:
B12: Richard Ormsby - x4 Flashbang Grenades - The Ravine - DECEASED
B22: William Lohman - Winchester Model 1897 - The Ravine - DECEASED

BR AU:
B15: Shuya Nanahara - No Weapon - The School Building - DECEASED
B20: Kyoichi Motobuchi - Bulletproof Vest - Tourist Association - DECEASED
G01: Mizuho Inada - Grenades (0/2) - Clinic - DECEASED

SOTF Evolution:
Subject C01: Samantha Reynolds - Facial Morphing - The Cove - ELIMINATED

VIRTUA SOTF:
M11: Richard Ormsby - Cowbell - The Corssroads Bridge - GAME OVER
M22: William Lohman - Hockey Stick - The Corssroads Bridge - GAME OVER
If you want an honest assessment of your character's storyline, feel free to PM me and I'll whip one up as soon as I am able.

Thanks to Bear/Frogue/Kotorikun/Ryuki for the avatar art.
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