Name: Erin Underwood
Age: Seventeen 
Grade: Junior [11th]
School: Patriot High
Hobbies and Interests: Dancing, Volleyball, Cheerleading, the American Government, Studying
Appearance: Erin is a young girl of Caucasian descent, standing petite at 5'4", 127lb. She spends a lot of time in the sun, giving her skin an overall slight tan. The bridge of her nose is slightly wider than normal, which extends to her nose as well. Her chin is slightly pointed, giving her head a somewhat heart-shaped look. Her cheeks are slightly full, which helps to accentuate a mouth of impeccably white teeth and a hearty smile. Her eyes are brown in colour, while her hair is a dark shade of chestnut red, which she has grown long enough to reach the middle of her back and ties back into a bun while competing in dancing or sports. She was lucky enough to be free of skin conditions or problems for most of her life, as she rarely gets acne or anything that would cause problems. Erin has only one piercing, a bellybutton piercing, with which she is careful to take it out whenever she is about to play volleyball. Her body is very lean and athletic due to her variety of physical activities.
For the most part, she dresses modestly, in a denim skirt or denim jeans, plain or patterned tops (although the occasional logo slips in), with a pair of running shoes with neon green laces. Erin rarely wears makeup, and when she does, it is only to cover up the rare mark or unsightly blemish. She never goes all out unless the occasion calls for it, such as looking good for an event. On Announcement Day, she chose to wear a red shirt with white jeans (to match with her school colours), with her usual running shoes.
Biography: Erin Underwood was born the only daughter and the youngest of three siblings to Randy and Vanessa Underwood, a contractor and administrative assistant respectively. The two met while partaking in their second five-year period of military service in their late twenties, and found they both came from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The two developed a friendship, which quickly turned into a relationship. Randy’s five years of service ended ten months before Vanessa’s did, but they continued to stay in touch every day through those ten months, while Randy was in Milwaukee and Vanessa was serving in East Russia. Ten months later Vanessa returned home, and two twin boys, Marcus and Charlie, were conceived that night. Two months later they were married. Only three years after that, Erin was conceived as well, and was born into the Underwood family after nine hours of labour in Columbia St. Mary’s maternity ward.
Both Randy and Vanessa were strong patriots who believed in the American way no matter what, and they initially raised all three of their children to believe the same thing. Their parents made sure Marcus, Charlie and Erin never questioned what they were told, and were disciplined if they ever did. Other than the unwavering faith and discipline, their childhoods were not too different from any other children. Randy and Vanessa also made sure their children took up good American sports when they came of age, such as football, basketball, baseball and volleyball. Marcus and Charlie grew up to become star athletes on their school basketball and football teams in high school as they grew older, while Erin’s interest in the eclectic amount of sports her parents were forcing her into waned as she aged, until only volleyball remained an active interest in her life. Erin liked sport, but most of the other sports were too complicated or hard, and she prefered volleyball's simplicity in comparison. Erin would join her school volleyball teams as she went from middle school to high school.
Erin had no trouble making friends when she started attending school, as she was a very respectful and kind girl who got along with nearly everyone. She never thought of treating anybody without the respect she thought she deserved herself - that respect of course was not extended towards those her parents taught her were “Un-American”, such as those of clear foreign descent, whom she would either simply ignore or treat with disdain, just as she was taught. She was also rather bright, achieving good marks in all of her subjects.
It was at a young age that Erin found that she couldn't stand being in an enclosed space where she either was under the impression she couldn't escape, such as elevators or planes, or where her armspan was wider than the space itself. Her parents, or even the doctors, weren't able to figure out what caused this development of claustrophobia, but it definitely caused some difficulty, as she sometimes didn't feel comfortable in one or two rooms of her house. Rooms as big as or bigger than her school classrooms were okay, but anything smaller than her tiny bedroom caused problems. For most of her life she refused to close her bedroom curtains, as it made the room seem smaller, and she would never lock the door whenever she used a bathroom stall for fear of the lock breaking off or locking her in.
She has found ways throughout her life to avoid having to spend time in enclosed places, through various means. She spent as much time as possible out of the house, either with her friends or excercising, and she would usually do many of her house-bound activities outside in the backyard or on the porch, such as reading or studying. She would often walk or bike everywhere she needed to go on her own, rather than ask her parents for a lift in their then-small car, which subsequently saved them a lot of money on gas. If, however, it was unavoidable that she did end up in an enclosed space, she had methods of dealing with them as long as they were in controlled environments. Erin learned breathing excercises to help regulate how antsy she felt, reading somewhere that she couldn't panic if she was breathing properly; she would give herself options that allowed herself escape such as always sitting near a door on public transport or making sure a small room had the illusion of more space, with either open windows or doors.
As she grew older, there were many factors influencing her ability to keep her respectful and obedient personality. Many of her peers would talk of times they rebelled against their parent’s wishes, and Erin was shocked that American children such as these would ever do such a thing. She was even more shocked to find out that her two older brothers would occasionally engage in such acts, such as sneaking out to meet with friends or simply hang around Milwaukee after their curfew, and occasionally lying right to their parents faces without them knowing. They were never caught, at least until their sister started to blab. Erin was still in elementary school, so her young mind rationalized that she was responsible for being an authoritarian figure among her peers.
She started tattling and snitching on her own friends at school, and even on her own brothers to her parents, which ended up deeming her as a “teachers pet” or a “busybody”. It drove quite a few of her friends away over those years, and even caused a small crack in her relationship with her brothers (who ended up being grounded several times after Erin tattled) which was a blow to her self-esteem. She still had close friends, but not as many as she used to, and her brothers still begrudgingly treated her like family. Despite the consequences, Erin saw herself as in the right, instead seeing herself as more patriotic than her friends or peers were, and never really gave up her habit. Her parents certainly never discouraged it, agreeing with her rationale that she was in the right, and that the "friends" that didn't like her were never her friends in the first place.
As she grew into middle school, and her enthusiasm for sports such as basketball started to wane, she found herself still wanting to participate in her school’s variety of sporting options. She still enjoyed the sports, so she decided to take up cheerleading so she could still be somewhat of an active participant. Erin found she actually enjoyed cheering on her school’s sporting teams much more than actually participating in most of them, volleyball excluded.
Her enthusiasm for cheerleading branched out into a love of dancing by the time she was thirteen years old, although it took a while to find out what kind of dancing she really liked. She tried learning ballet for five months, but it didn’t feel like something that came from her naturally. She eventually started exploring ballroom dancing, which after a lesson or two she found she easily enjoyed over ballet, which she eventually dropped. The steps and the moves she learned came from her more naturally, and she was actually having fun learning this, which is why, unlike ballet, she never dropped it. She found herself quite proficient in the ways of the dances she learned in these classes such as Waltz, Tango and Foxtrot, or at least as proficient as someone could be with only four years of lessons under her belt by her junior year.
One of the many things Erin learned from her parents in her lifetime was when and how to take initiative or control in group situations, whether it be academic or otherwise. Her parents saw a natural leader in Erin, as she was good with people (apart from the whole “busybody” reputation she’d managed to obtain over her schooling years) and always wanted to do her best. She had honed her confidence and skills throughout her schooling years and managed to build a persona among her peers that well eclipsed her old one - she was no longer known as a busybody who stuck her nose in places where it didn’t belong, but rather as a control freak who didn’t let anybody tell her what to do.
It actually wasn't far from the truth; Erin was sometimes very assertive and would never let anybody she felt would do a lesser job take control, such as team or group captaincy in middle school or class group projects in high school. If someone was not comfortable letting her tell them what to do or letting her lead, she more than likely wouldn’t associate herself with them if they were as unwilling to compromise as she was. Her actual leadership ability and her ability to gain respect amongst her peers is a mixed bag. Sometimes, she is completely willing to simply organize or direct rather than control, and will willingly work with other people, such as when people know more about a certain aspect of a group effort than she does. Other times, however, she only stops short of trying to do everything herself. Put simply, she'll push if she can do better in a situation, but she won't if she can't. Because of this attitude, Erin sometimes fails to recognize situations outside of her usual social routine where she does not need to take control or take up a leadership position. She sometimes faces conflict with her volleyball team, fellow cheerleaders or even dance partners, but she has learned from vast experience when and where specifically she needs to draw the line with her tendencies.
While Erin was raised in a patriotic home, she herself is not as radical as her parents. She does, however, believe that the Government is always right to a certain degree, and she cannot wait for the day she is called into active service, as fighting for her country is something she aspires to. The only area Erin has ever well and truly doubted the Government’s word is in regards to The Program, but only as she approached the age where she could possibly be called into it herself. It wasn't that she disapproved of the possibility of children dying on television, it was just that she didn't like the chance of being involved in it. While there was a possibility of dying while serving in foreign battlefields under the government, dying in The Program if she was called into it was almost a certainty. It was a somewhat irrational fear, as the odds of being called into it were far less than dying in service, but it still nagged at the back of Erin's mind for many years. The possibility of being made an example of by America didn't appeal to her as much as actually making a name of herself and being somebody important. The thought of being killed by somebody she once knew appealed to her even less.
Erin doesn't consider herself high on the Patriot High social ladder. If it weren't for her friends, mostly people she knows from sport or cheerleading all more popular than she is, she could almost be at the bottom. Some people don't like her and are sometimes quite vocal about not liking her. However, with people she's not pushy on a personal level, seeing as how she's not working with them, but rather hanging out with them or just being friends to them. Her friends are the only people she holds her tongue around, as she holds them close enough to her heart to ward off her tenacity, if only through experience. Socially, she treats people with the kindness and respect she thinks she deserves herself, as long as nothing specifically draws out her control-freak tendencies. She has had a few boyfriends in the past, mostly older than herself, although her personality tends to either intimidate them or ward them off, preventing her from creating anything long-term. Her closest relationship of all is with her family, particularly her brothers, who she usually hangs out with and has more comfortable conversations with when she's having a particularly rough day.
Academically, she's among the top of her class - between running and exercising every day to keep fit and her actual sporting obligations, Erin studies every one of her subjects every day except when it conflicts with said sporting obligations, and is usually among the first to answer the teacher's questions in the classroom. Her favourite subjects include Economics and Algebra, while she is less loving towards English. Making sure she is academically sound and capable is one of her top priorities as a teenager; she hopes to either serve full-time in the American Military or land herself a sporting scholarship after she finishes her senior year, but if any of those options were to fall through Erin would need her academic results to help further herself in life. Among her peers, she tries to come off as nice and friendly, despite her reputation all but shattering that facade.
Advantages: Erin is in great shape from her various sporting and physical activities. Her intelligence level is above most of her classmates, and she is also a somewhat capable leader, which may ensure some peoples trust in her if she does end up in a group.
Disadvantages: A lot of people simply hate Erin. Her leadership capabilities are also her biggest flaw - Erin is headstrong when she thinks she's right, and in an unfamiliar environment such as The Program she may not catch on right away that sometimes she needs to take "no" for an answer when dealing with possibly hostile classmates. Erin also suffers from claustrophobia, which may have an adverse effect on her gameplay if she ends up in any enclosed spaces beyond her control.
Erin's profile is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a bit of adjustment.
Does she wear her pearl earrings every day? If so, I'd like to know a bit more about their significance to her.
This sentence is a bit tricky: "For the most part, she dresses modestly; denim skirt or denim jeans, plain or patterned tops (although the occasional logo slips in), with a pair of neon-green laced running shoes." It would work better as so: "For the most part, she dresses modestly, in a denim skirt or denim jeans, plain or patterned tops (although the occasional logo slips in), with a pair of running shoes with neon green laces."
I'd also like to know what Erin was wearing specifically on Announcement Day. Also, what sorts of occasions prompt her to wear lots of makeup? It's a bit unclear right now. On a related note, how is her complexion? The use of makeup to conceal things seems to imply she has occasional issues in that respect.
The reference to five years of military service is a bit confusing; in the Programverse, everyone must serve ten years, in two five-year stints. I'd like to know if they've done the rest of their service yet or not.
The reference to fraternization between active personnel being frowned upon strikes me as odd; I've known several married couples within the military in real life, and the Programverse military is not too far detached from the real world one. If I'm missing information to the contrary somewhere, apologies, but I can't really find anything to support that policy at the moment.
The use of numerals (such as 2) instead of written numbers in profiles is jarring. It would be much better if numbers were spelled out, especially when they start sentences.
I'm also confused, because Erin is stated to be the youngest of two siblings, but also has twin brothers.
Sports names and high school are not proper nouns, and thus should not be capitalized unless they start sentences.
I'd like to know what other sorts of fallout Erin's tattling had. How did she rationalize the disapproval of friends of hers? How were her brothers sneaking out? Given the timeline, they'd have to be sneaking out while, at the latest, in middle school, if Erin picked up her tattling habit in elementary school. Overall, a lot of the chronology here makes things hard to follow. I'd like you to shift the profile up so everything is related in chronological order.
I think football is used to refer to soccer in here a few times, which is a bit confusing, especially given the heavily America-centric nature of the setting.
Why did Erin drop dancing? Why did she pick it up in the first place? What did she enjoy about it? What does she enjoy about volleyball? I'd like to see a lot more on her hobbies in general.
This phrase: "While this was a gross exaggeration, it wasn't far from the truth however;" is completely contradictory, and could use rephrasing.
Erin's ability to draw the line seems directly contradictory to her unwillingness to compromise. I'd like those aspects of her personality to get a lot more development so that they mesh together.
If Erin is aware of her control issues, why has she not taken any steps to address them? It seems very odd for her to act as she does while being so self aware.
What about The Program made Erin question it?
Erin's popularity seems to fly completely in the face of her description as a largely unpleasant and problematic person. I'd like a whole lot more detail on her social life,how she manages things, and what it is about her that allows her to retain any respect among her peers. I'd also like to know who her friends are, since those who seem the most likely candidates she is specified elsewhere in her bio as being in frequent conflict with.
What subjects does Erin enjoy? I she naturally intelligent, or does she need to work very hard at her grades?
The statement that she has no outright enemies seems really bizarre to me, given that everything in her bio except the last two paragraphs is all about the reasons why she is pretty much unlikable. Her social situation needs a lot more clarity and detail, so that everything weaves together into a coherent picture. Similarly, her being called a natural leader seems odd, since everything else suggests that she is a terrible leader who just happens to like being in control.
Erin also needs more in the way of disadvantages. Right now, her only two disadvantages are just slight tempering factors of her advantages. I'd like to see a couple more notable disadvantages that are not just mitigating factors of her advantages.
There are also some overall odd phrasings and word choices here, but since this is Mini, it's not a huge deal. I'd recommend a good proofreading for readability's sake, though.
Post when you've got that taken care of, and we'll give Erin another look. Thanks!