Why do I even bother? Does anyone else feel like this?....

Why do I even bother? Does anyone else feel like this?....

Ingrid
Ingrid

February 19th, 2007, 5:40 pm #1


Why do I even bother being on these TTC sites when I am not even able to TTC? Am I a sucker for punishment? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even have hope? I am premenopausal; having hot flashes, suffer from insomnia, do not have AF, am 42 and a half years old and yet I continue to think that maybe some day we will be able to TTC # 2. How crazy is that?

I am constantly thinking about having a second child. I am obsessed; that is all I think about. WHY ? WHY do I torture myself? And yet, while I am obsessed with having a second child, I find myself thinking that I am "too" old, too tired and with lots of fears and anxiety about what our lives would be like with a second child. Our DS is 5 and a half so he is very independent. We are able to do things as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do with two kids. For example, we are going on a cruise in two weeks (all three of us) and we would not have the money to do that if we had another child. Yes, I know money is not important, but I do find myself realizing that we can give our DS a lot right now (emotnionally and finanacially) that we would not be able to if we did have two kids.

On the other hand, these days, I find myself thinking: "if I had not miscarried last May, our baby would be two mmonths old right now" and end up in sadness and pain. Then , I switch (not consciously) to: "well, had we had that baby, we woud not be going on the cruise with our DS, ETC, ETC". I feel torn in two directions.

I find society is biased towards a one child family; people think that is not "right" and I find that I am being affected by that.

I loved being pregnant with our DS (yes, I know that not all pregnancies are the same); I had an amazing pregnancy and feel that I am losing out by not being able to be pregnant again. I am so incredibly sad about that. I do not even know if I am grieving and if I am, when is that going to be over? When will I stop being so very sad about it?

I am currently going to acupuncture for my insomnia and to try and get my period back, but part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing that for when I am not going to be able to TTC anyways?". For those of you who remember, I have never asked if our sperm donor is available again; I could never bring myself to do it and part of me thought: what for since I had a cyst to deal with and now no AF. Also, if my friend has not asked if we are going to try again, the answer is pretty clear.

I have regrets that I cannot seem to accept: like why the hell did we not try sooner for # 2? The questions NEVER end.

I cannot even say that maybe some day, I will experience a miraculous BFP since I cannot just BD when the time is right......I cannot try every month and hope for the best.....

I know I am rambling.

Please, any anons who are inclined to tell me that I am whining or that you have it worse, please refrain from being cruel. This is a support board; please remember that.

Thanks in advance,

Ingrid.
Quote
Share

Joined: June 13th, 2005, 8:49 pm

February 19th, 2007, 6:53 pm #2

Sounds like you have hit rock bottom pretty hard right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this and your loss. Life is crazy and I will never understand why things happen the way they do. I have no advice just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and hope that you find peace soon.
Quote
Like
Share

Wendy
Wendy

February 19th, 2007, 7:03 pm #3

It is so hard and unfair to not be able to have the family that we thought we would have, when we thought we would have it. I am going through the same process. We have been blessed with a healthy daughter, who is three. We can continue to keep ttc with my eggs, do DE and possibly be having a baby next year, or we can be happy with our DD and this is our family.

This website is a place to come and share with women who are experiencing these same emotions. I miscarried 2 months ago and am so sad. I would be 24 weeks right now with chromosomally normal identical twin girls, if the embryo had only split the day before.

You are not wrong to have these feelings. You are grieving. I am sorry about your recent loss.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation.

Wendy
Quote
Share

Joined: January 29th, 2007, 7:59 pm

February 19th, 2007, 8:03 pm #4

Why do I even bother being on these TTC sites when I am not even able to TTC? Am I a sucker for punishment? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even have hope? I am premenopausal; having hot flashes, suffer from insomnia, do not have AF, am 42 and a half years old and yet I continue to think that maybe some day we will be able to TTC # 2. How crazy is that?

I am constantly thinking about having a second child. I am obsessed; that is all I think about. WHY ? WHY do I torture myself? And yet, while I am obsessed with having a second child, I find myself thinking that I am "too" old, too tired and with lots of fears and anxiety about what our lives would be like with a second child. Our DS is 5 and a half so he is very independent. We are able to do things as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do with two kids. For example, we are going on a cruise in two weeks (all three of us) and we would not have the money to do that if we had another child. Yes, I know money is not important, but I do find myself realizing that we can give our DS a lot right now (emotnionally and finanacially) that we would not be able to if we did have two kids.

On the other hand, these days, I find myself thinking: "if I had not miscarried last May, our baby would be two mmonths old right now" and end up in sadness and pain. Then , I switch (not consciously) to: "well, had we had that baby, we woud not be going on the cruise with our DS, ETC, ETC". I feel torn in two directions.

I find society is biased towards a one child family; people think that is not "right" and I find that I am being affected by that.

I loved being pregnant with our DS (yes, I know that not all pregnancies are the same); I had an amazing pregnancy and feel that I am losing out by not being able to be pregnant again. I am so incredibly sad about that. I do not even know if I am grieving and if I am, when is that going to be over? When will I stop being so very sad about it?

I am currently going to acupuncture for my insomnia and to try and get my period back, but part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing that for when I am not going to be able to TTC anyways?". For those of you who remember, I have never asked if our sperm donor is available again; I could never bring myself to do it and part of me thought: what for since I had a cyst to deal with and now no AF. Also, if my friend has not asked if we are going to try again, the answer is pretty clear.

I have regrets that I cannot seem to accept: like why the hell did we not try sooner for # 2? The questions NEVER end.

I cannot even say that maybe some day, I will experience a miraculous BFP since I cannot just BD when the time is right......I cannot try every month and hope for the best.....

I know I am rambling.

Please, any anons who are inclined to tell me that I am whining or that you have it worse, please refrain from being cruel. This is a support board; please remember that.

Thanks in advance,

Ingrid.
Ingrid,
there isn't anything i can say to make the constant "thoughts" go away or i would do it for myself. you are not alone and i think all the things that you are thinking are totally normal and healthy. when i was in college some old person, probably in there 40's, once told me that when you look back on life- you won't regret the things that you did, but the things that you didn't do. since then, i have heard that in many places, but when i was 20, it was the first time i had heard it and i thought, hhmmm, i better do stuff. look, atleast you are being pro-active. you are doing accu to get your cycle back and hey, a part of you really wants another child- that is okay and as long as you are doing whatever you can to get what you want, then you are living. i don't know what it is like to have a miscarriage, but i can understand the pain and loss. it is okay to vent and just know that there are alot of us out here who totally understand what you are saying and feeling. good luck and try and have fun on your cruise.
all the best
ava
Quote
Like
Share

Mana
Mana

February 20th, 2007, 3:04 am #5

Why do I even bother being on these TTC sites when I am not even able to TTC? Am I a sucker for punishment? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even have hope? I am premenopausal; having hot flashes, suffer from insomnia, do not have AF, am 42 and a half years old and yet I continue to think that maybe some day we will be able to TTC # 2. How crazy is that?

I am constantly thinking about having a second child. I am obsessed; that is all I think about. WHY ? WHY do I torture myself? And yet, while I am obsessed with having a second child, I find myself thinking that I am "too" old, too tired and with lots of fears and anxiety about what our lives would be like with a second child. Our DS is 5 and a half so he is very independent. We are able to do things as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do with two kids. For example, we are going on a cruise in two weeks (all three of us) and we would not have the money to do that if we had another child. Yes, I know money is not important, but I do find myself realizing that we can give our DS a lot right now (emotnionally and finanacially) that we would not be able to if we did have two kids.

On the other hand, these days, I find myself thinking: "if I had not miscarried last May, our baby would be two mmonths old right now" and end up in sadness and pain. Then , I switch (not consciously) to: "well, had we had that baby, we woud not be going on the cruise with our DS, ETC, ETC". I feel torn in two directions.

I find society is biased towards a one child family; people think that is not "right" and I find that I am being affected by that.

I loved being pregnant with our DS (yes, I know that not all pregnancies are the same); I had an amazing pregnancy and feel that I am losing out by not being able to be pregnant again. I am so incredibly sad about that. I do not even know if I am grieving and if I am, when is that going to be over? When will I stop being so very sad about it?

I am currently going to acupuncture for my insomnia and to try and get my period back, but part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing that for when I am not going to be able to TTC anyways?". For those of you who remember, I have never asked if our sperm donor is available again; I could never bring myself to do it and part of me thought: what for since I had a cyst to deal with and now no AF. Also, if my friend has not asked if we are going to try again, the answer is pretty clear.

I have regrets that I cannot seem to accept: like why the hell did we not try sooner for # 2? The questions NEVER end.

I cannot even say that maybe some day, I will experience a miraculous BFP since I cannot just BD when the time is right......I cannot try every month and hope for the best.....

I know I am rambling.

Please, any anons who are inclined to tell me that I am whining or that you have it worse, please refrain from being cruel. This is a support board; please remember that.

Thanks in advance,

Ingrid.
you are grieving. for me, part of grieving my m/c was obsessing about ttc again. before that pgcy, I was coming to some kind of peace with having one child; after losing that pgcy, I was a wreck, and I'm still (almost a year later) not back to the place of (quasi)-peace that I was before.

I also have all the same questions. why did we wait? why didn't I wean sooner? should we have gone straight to IVF? we'll never know the answers. they just go around and around in my head.

I am comforted a little by these words from the Desiderata:
"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
I try to hold on to that. "With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

I am sending you warm thoughts for comfort and peace.

Hugs,
Martha


Quote
Share

groll
groll

February 20th, 2007, 5:10 am #6

Why do I even bother being on these TTC sites when I am not even able to TTC? Am I a sucker for punishment? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even have hope? I am premenopausal; having hot flashes, suffer from insomnia, do not have AF, am 42 and a half years old and yet I continue to think that maybe some day we will be able to TTC # 2. How crazy is that?

I am constantly thinking about having a second child. I am obsessed; that is all I think about. WHY ? WHY do I torture myself? And yet, while I am obsessed with having a second child, I find myself thinking that I am "too" old, too tired and with lots of fears and anxiety about what our lives would be like with a second child. Our DS is 5 and a half so he is very independent. We are able to do things as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do with two kids. For example, we are going on a cruise in two weeks (all three of us) and we would not have the money to do that if we had another child. Yes, I know money is not important, but I do find myself realizing that we can give our DS a lot right now (emotnionally and finanacially) that we would not be able to if we did have two kids.

On the other hand, these days, I find myself thinking: "if I had not miscarried last May, our baby would be two mmonths old right now" and end up in sadness and pain. Then , I switch (not consciously) to: "well, had we had that baby, we woud not be going on the cruise with our DS, ETC, ETC". I feel torn in two directions.

I find society is biased towards a one child family; people think that is not "right" and I find that I am being affected by that.

I loved being pregnant with our DS (yes, I know that not all pregnancies are the same); I had an amazing pregnancy and feel that I am losing out by not being able to be pregnant again. I am so incredibly sad about that. I do not even know if I am grieving and if I am, when is that going to be over? When will I stop being so very sad about it?

I am currently going to acupuncture for my insomnia and to try and get my period back, but part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing that for when I am not going to be able to TTC anyways?". For those of you who remember, I have never asked if our sperm donor is available again; I could never bring myself to do it and part of me thought: what for since I had a cyst to deal with and now no AF. Also, if my friend has not asked if we are going to try again, the answer is pretty clear.

I have regrets that I cannot seem to accept: like why the hell did we not try sooner for # 2? The questions NEVER end.

I cannot even say that maybe some day, I will experience a miraculous BFP since I cannot just BD when the time is right......I cannot try every month and hope for the best.....

I know I am rambling.

Please, any anons who are inclined to tell me that I am whining or that you have it worse, please refrain from being cruel. This is a support board; please remember that.

Thanks in advance,

Ingrid.
my life on hold- and continue to have that longing for another.. that was hard enough - having to deal with a loss- is unimaginable for me.

I want to share something that helped me...I realized how mentally absent I had become worrying about ttc#2 - and how I was not FULLY living the precious moments with my dd- So, I made a pact with myself.., I would be fully present with my daughter, no matter what we were doing, and give myself time to grieve only when she was not around. Mind you, I was not always succesful... But after a while, something suprising started to happen... A change came about inside of me... I knew that I still wanted another child very deeply, but I was so happy w/ dd and in a sense appreciated her even more, which I didn't think was possible. Living so much more in the present with her helped me become a little more a peace with the thought and possibility that she would be an only child. I figured, if this was going to be my only child, there is nothing that I wanted to look back to and regret.

I know that having a wonderful pg, because it was such a great experience, makes you want to re-live this.. I felt the same way about everything, PG, breastfeeding etc.. but then I thought.."I was so blessed that I did have a wonderful pg experience especially if it was going to be the only one".

I am glad you are doing acup., for stress etc., have you talked to a grieving counselor? Is that an option?

Also, would you consider doing IVF instead of another IUI if your Donor was willing? I think at your age, you have a good chance w/ IVF.

Lots of hugs to you.



Quote
Share

Faith
Faith

February 20th, 2007, 2:34 pm #7

Why do I even bother being on these TTC sites when I am not even able to TTC? Am I a sucker for punishment? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even have hope? I am premenopausal; having hot flashes, suffer from insomnia, do not have AF, am 42 and a half years old and yet I continue to think that maybe some day we will be able to TTC # 2. How crazy is that?

I am constantly thinking about having a second child. I am obsessed; that is all I think about. WHY ? WHY do I torture myself? And yet, while I am obsessed with having a second child, I find myself thinking that I am "too" old, too tired and with lots of fears and anxiety about what our lives would be like with a second child. Our DS is 5 and a half so he is very independent. We are able to do things as a family that we would not otherwise be able to do with two kids. For example, we are going on a cruise in two weeks (all three of us) and we would not have the money to do that if we had another child. Yes, I know money is not important, but I do find myself realizing that we can give our DS a lot right now (emotnionally and finanacially) that we would not be able to if we did have two kids.

On the other hand, these days, I find myself thinking: "if I had not miscarried last May, our baby would be two mmonths old right now" and end up in sadness and pain. Then , I switch (not consciously) to: "well, had we had that baby, we woud not be going on the cruise with our DS, ETC, ETC". I feel torn in two directions.

I find society is biased towards a one child family; people think that is not "right" and I find that I am being affected by that.

I loved being pregnant with our DS (yes, I know that not all pregnancies are the same); I had an amazing pregnancy and feel that I am losing out by not being able to be pregnant again. I am so incredibly sad about that. I do not even know if I am grieving and if I am, when is that going to be over? When will I stop being so very sad about it?

I am currently going to acupuncture for my insomnia and to try and get my period back, but part of me thinks "what the hell am I doing that for when I am not going to be able to TTC anyways?". For those of you who remember, I have never asked if our sperm donor is available again; I could never bring myself to do it and part of me thought: what for since I had a cyst to deal with and now no AF. Also, if my friend has not asked if we are going to try again, the answer is pretty clear.

I have regrets that I cannot seem to accept: like why the hell did we not try sooner for # 2? The questions NEVER end.

I cannot even say that maybe some day, I will experience a miraculous BFP since I cannot just BD when the time is right......I cannot try every month and hope for the best.....

I know I am rambling.

Please, any anons who are inclined to tell me that I am whining or that you have it worse, please refrain from being cruel. This is a support board; please remember that.

Thanks in advance,

Ingrid.
This is just so hard. I feel the way you do too and it is just a loop that plays in my head over and over and over. Right now I am trying to figure out how to leap past this and get on with my life, but I can't figure out how. And DH and I are definitely not in the same place about this. He flat out says that he cannot understand why I would want to be pregnant again and what is the big deal with having a baby anyway?!! He would like another child so our DD has a sibling, but thinks adoption is clearly the way to go. As far as he is concerned we are done trying -- even naturally. We can't even talk about it without it turning into a screaming match about all the what ifs. And meanwhile my sweet DD's life passes by with Mommy and Daddy so completely consumed with something else.

I guess I'm not making you feel better just venting myself. But you can see you are not alone. I have been thinking of finding a counselor to help me work through these feelings. But that in itself is hard because I just don't want to have one more commitment that is connected to IF.

I guess my best advice to you right now is to enjoy the wonderful vacation with your family. You really do have a family in every sense of the word, even if it is not exactly as you had planned.

HUGS
Quote
Share

Ingrid
Ingrid

February 20th, 2007, 3:13 pm #8

Sounds like you have hit rock bottom pretty hard right now. I am so sorry that you are going through this and your loss. Life is crazy and I will never understand why things happen the way they do. I have no advice just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and hope that you find peace soon.
Yeah, rock bottom is pretty much where I am at. Have been there awhile I guess.

Life is crazy and you are right; difficult to understand why things are the way they are.

Thanks for your response and for thinking of me. Hope you are well.

Ingrid.
Quote
Share

Ingrid
Ingrid

February 20th, 2007, 3:20 pm #9

It is so hard and unfair to not be able to have the family that we thought we would have, when we thought we would have it. I am going through the same process. We have been blessed with a healthy daughter, who is three. We can continue to keep ttc with my eggs, do DE and possibly be having a baby next year, or we can be happy with our DD and this is our family.

This website is a place to come and share with women who are experiencing these same emotions. I miscarried 2 months ago and am so sad. I would be 24 weeks right now with chromosomally normal identical twin girls, if the embryo had only split the day before.

You are not wrong to have these feelings. You are grieving. I am sorry about your recent loss.

I hope you have a wonderful vacation.

Wendy
Thanks; I remember about your miscarriage; it is so painful isn't it? Can I ask a question? What do you mean that you would be pregnant with identical twin girls if the embryo had only split the day before? I know that the main problem was that the twins were monochorionic spelling? and sharing the same placenta, right? You mean that they would have been in their own sac if the embryo had split the day before?

I guess you are right that I am grieving. How do you cope? My problem is that I do not cry easily. I talk about it, but I do not think that is enough.

THanks Wendy for your support.

Ingrid.
Quote
Share

Ingrid
Ingrid

February 20th, 2007, 3:23 pm #10

Ingrid,
there isn't anything i can say to make the constant "thoughts" go away or i would do it for myself. you are not alone and i think all the things that you are thinking are totally normal and healthy. when i was in college some old person, probably in there 40's, once told me that when you look back on life- you won't regret the things that you did, but the things that you didn't do. since then, i have heard that in many places, but when i was 20, it was the first time i had heard it and i thought, hhmmm, i better do stuff. look, atleast you are being pro-active. you are doing accu to get your cycle back and hey, a part of you really wants another child- that is okay and as long as you are doing whatever you can to get what you want, then you are living. i don't know what it is like to have a miscarriage, but i can understand the pain and loss. it is okay to vent and just know that there are alot of us out here who totally understand what you are saying and feeling. good luck and try and have fun on your cruise.
all the best
ava
How wise of that "old" person to have said that to you; that is so true. Yes, I suppose I am being proactive by going to acu, but also useless to some extent because what do I want my cycles back for if I cannot TTC? Know what I mean?

I will definitely have fun on our cruise. Thanks for your wise wrods and understanding.

Ingrid.
Quote
Share