WWYD (family related)

WWYD (family related)

Teresa
Teresa

July 3rd, 2012, 1:50 pm #1

I hope it's okay to post this here, if not, Juliemam, feel free to let me know to move it to the thunderdome board. Have a little problem and was wondering how you would handle this.

I have a cousin who lives in Florida. A few days ago she sent me an email informing me that she, her husband and her son would be coming to my state for a week July 10-17th. Let me just say that we used to be really close, I was her MOH in her wedding and spoiled her rotten, then when she adopted her son I went crazy buying things for him and fussing over him. I've always gone above and beyond for her in many, many ways.

The last time she came to town, I had to play chauffer and drive her all over the place, feed and entertain her and her family. Not a thank you, not an offer to even pay for gas when I drove her around for about 200 miles, not even bringing a dessert with her to my home (and believe me she was raised to do these things, so she knows better). Ok, fine. When I was married a few years ago, she didn't come to my wedding, no excuse just "sorry we can't come" She never sent not even a wedding card (forget about a gift, just a card would have been nice) and I guess that has left me slightly bitter. We've grown apart over the past few years because as she said she's been "busy with her son". So now, she's coming to town and really wants to see me and wants to meet my husband. They are flying in with NO car rental, so it would be up to me to go fetch them wherever they are staying and bring them here then transport them back to wherever-and I seriously just can't. I can't!!!

She knows I am pregnant and hasn't checked in to see how things are going, not once. When I told her I was PG the first thing out of her mouth was not even congratulations, it was "did you finally do IVF?" I kid you not!

I emailed her back and told her I havent been feeling well the past few weeks and not up to visitors and that I'm sorry but we would have to "play it by ear" and her tone in her email back to me was "icy" She said "we're going to be here a week, we would like to come over, why are you being like this?" AHHHH!!!

The thing is, my husband works right now 7 days a week. I've been really sick during the day for the past 4 weeks and just cannot handle the three of them in my home right now- I can't. I haven't even had friends over, I have been feeling that sick. Her son is hyper and destructive and I will have to stress about my dog because he goes CRAZY, and of course, prepping food and cleaning up and having them here for hours, I just don't have the energy for them (they are INCREDIBLY draining, I wish I could explain). I can't drive right now even to the market and I am not able to go to where they are and play chauffer, which she has already hinted at me doing while they're in town (and I refuse to have my husband do it, either). Also, driving to meet them someplace "public" is out of the question because 1. I can't drive myself right now and 2. Even if Dh comes with me, we will be expected to foot the bill for them- and you know what? I don't want to spend one dime on them anymore. Is that bad? My husband and I don't even go out to eat anymore, because with a baby on the way and me not working, every penny counts. I sort of feel bad, at the same time, I'm sort of pissed off because I feel she is being inconsiderate and also, I'm tired of spending money on her and her family every time they come here.

I know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am, but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me. At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone.

Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.
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Erin
Erin

July 3rd, 2012, 2:11 pm #2

First, good luck on your NT scan!!! So exciting! I'm sure you will do great! Please give us an update afterwards!

Second, as for your quandary, I agree with your instinct to take care of yourself first and know your limits. I think maybe if it were me, I might make a compromise by replying to say that I'd be happy to meet them at a cheapish restaurant at the end of their trip (so you don't get roped into being a chauffeur) near where they're staying so you don't have to pick them up. I would state in the email that as much as you'd like to treat them to dinner while they're visiting, you're unfortunately on a tight budget with the baby coming and you'd have to go dutch. Then she knows the deal up front and the ball is in her court. That's probably what I would do, but if you really can't stand to see them at all, you need to go with what you need. Sorry- I really can't stand dealing with draining, one-sided relationships either. I've cut a few of those relationships out of my life in the past, but it's hard (and not terribly desirable) to cut out a family member... Just my 2 cents.

Most importantly, good luck today!!!
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Teresa
Teresa

July 3rd, 2012, 3:06 pm #3

Thanks for a quick and insightful reply Erin!!! That's a good option, setting the expectation with her before and letting her decide. Will be interesting to see what she does with that. I can just see her showing up to dinner and "oh gosh we forgot our credit card..pay you back" Yup she would totally do that. Good idea though, I like that! I will run this by hubby and see what he thinks. (I know he's going to say "its up to you") LOL

And thank you for the wishes for a good scan- I'm so-o-o nervous!!! I know she said the blood work will take a few days to get back but I'm scared for the scan. I will definitely update later. Is yours next week? I hope you have a great 4th of July tomorrow!! Stay cool! xoxo
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Erin
Erin

July 3rd, 2012, 3:16 pm #4

Maybe before you get seated you can make sure to ask if she brought her credit card and turn and run the other way if she didn't . I think it's good to spell it out and let her decide. Then she's the b!tch if she says no!

My scan is a week from Thursday. I had a doppler yesterday to make sure everything is still okay because we are going to visit my grandparents and big Italian family for fourth of July and are going to tell them I'm pregnant. I'm excited and scared to let the cat out of the bag, and ideally I'd wait a week or two (I'm 11 and a 1/2 wks pg), but this is when we're going and hopefully it will be okay.

Good luck today! I am sure you will do wonderfully. Enjoy those good, long shots of your little one! Can't wait to hear how it goes!
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Teresa
Teresa

July 3rd, 2012, 3:34 pm #5

Oh Erin, this is SO EXCITING!! It will be a great thing telling them, they will all be very happy and supportive! I bet you're going to feel so glad when they know too, it's nice to have the love and support of family. You are going to have to post their reaction when you tell them the amazing news!!! I can't wait to spill the beans to the rest of my family, it's been hard talking to people all this time and not telling.

I hope all goes well today and I will give all the details later. (PS I'm still on my P4 3x a day, so much for weaning at week 12 but I am going to ask for her to test it today and my goal is to start weaning next week)

And for the cousin, you're right..with her I am going to have to spell it all out. Endless!!




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mel
mel

July 3rd, 2012, 3:35 pm #6

I hope it's okay to post this here, if not, Juliemam, feel free to let me know to move it to the thunderdome board. Have a little problem and was wondering how you would handle this.

I have a cousin who lives in Florida. A few days ago she sent me an email informing me that she, her husband and her son would be coming to my state for a week July 10-17th. Let me just say that we used to be really close, I was her MOH in her wedding and spoiled her rotten, then when she adopted her son I went crazy buying things for him and fussing over him. I've always gone above and beyond for her in many, many ways.

The last time she came to town, I had to play chauffer and drive her all over the place, feed and entertain her and her family. Not a thank you, not an offer to even pay for gas when I drove her around for about 200 miles, not even bringing a dessert with her to my home (and believe me she was raised to do these things, so she knows better). Ok, fine. When I was married a few years ago, she didn't come to my wedding, no excuse just "sorry we can't come" She never sent not even a wedding card (forget about a gift, just a card would have been nice) and I guess that has left me slightly bitter. We've grown apart over the past few years because as she said she's been "busy with her son". So now, she's coming to town and really wants to see me and wants to meet my husband. They are flying in with NO car rental, so it would be up to me to go fetch them wherever they are staying and bring them here then transport them back to wherever-and I seriously just can't. I can't!!!

She knows I am pregnant and hasn't checked in to see how things are going, not once. When I told her I was PG the first thing out of her mouth was not even congratulations, it was "did you finally do IVF?" I kid you not!

I emailed her back and told her I havent been feeling well the past few weeks and not up to visitors and that I'm sorry but we would have to "play it by ear" and her tone in her email back to me was "icy" She said "we're going to be here a week, we would like to come over, why are you being like this?" AHHHH!!!

The thing is, my husband works right now 7 days a week. I've been really sick during the day for the past 4 weeks and just cannot handle the three of them in my home right now- I can't. I haven't even had friends over, I have been feeling that sick. Her son is hyper and destructive and I will have to stress about my dog because he goes CRAZY, and of course, prepping food and cleaning up and having them here for hours, I just don't have the energy for them (they are INCREDIBLY draining, I wish I could explain). I can't drive right now even to the market and I am not able to go to where they are and play chauffer, which she has already hinted at me doing while they're in town (and I refuse to have my husband do it, either). Also, driving to meet them someplace "public" is out of the question because 1. I can't drive myself right now and 2. Even if Dh comes with me, we will be expected to foot the bill for them- and you know what? I don't want to spend one dime on them anymore. Is that bad? My husband and I don't even go out to eat anymore, because with a baby on the way and me not working, every penny counts. I sort of feel bad, at the same time, I'm sort of pissed off because I feel she is being inconsiderate and also, I'm tired of spending money on her and her family every time they come here.

I know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am, but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me. At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone.

Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.
Ugh...she does sound very draining. I agree with what Erin said and think her suggestion is a great one. I know what you mean about being a people pleaser and wanting to accommodate everyone, but there comes a point where you have to say "enough is enough." Especially now, you have got to put your well being (physically and emotionally) first, and if she can't understand that, then that isn't someone you need to waste the energy on.

I would try honesty and tell her straight up that you are too sick to have company and can't drive or get around because of it. I think playing it by ear is the right thing to do, because you aren't going to know how you will feel a week from now and can't make any definite plans. Instead of meeting them at a restaurant and possibly getting stuck with the bill, is there a park nearby you could meet them at? Then her son could play and you could visit with her without the worry of having to spend any money...or just meet for ice cream or something really low key?

Nobody can fault you for being too sick for company, nor should you even feel guilty about it. As much as you can, try not to let her comments get to you. She shouldn't be expecting anything from you, much less making you feel badly about it. She should be concerned about you!!!

Good luck with your NT scan!!! I can't wait to hear your update. (FYI...my b/w took two weeks to come back, but the scan measurement was reassuring.)

xo
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Laura
Laura

July 3rd, 2012, 3:37 pm #7

I hope it's okay to post this here, if not, Juliemam, feel free to let me know to move it to the thunderdome board. Have a little problem and was wondering how you would handle this.

I have a cousin who lives in Florida. A few days ago she sent me an email informing me that she, her husband and her son would be coming to my state for a week July 10-17th. Let me just say that we used to be really close, I was her MOH in her wedding and spoiled her rotten, then when she adopted her son I went crazy buying things for him and fussing over him. I've always gone above and beyond for her in many, many ways.

The last time she came to town, I had to play chauffer and drive her all over the place, feed and entertain her and her family. Not a thank you, not an offer to even pay for gas when I drove her around for about 200 miles, not even bringing a dessert with her to my home (and believe me she was raised to do these things, so she knows better). Ok, fine. When I was married a few years ago, she didn't come to my wedding, no excuse just "sorry we can't come" She never sent not even a wedding card (forget about a gift, just a card would have been nice) and I guess that has left me slightly bitter. We've grown apart over the past few years because as she said she's been "busy with her son". So now, she's coming to town and really wants to see me and wants to meet my husband. They are flying in with NO car rental, so it would be up to me to go fetch them wherever they are staying and bring them here then transport them back to wherever-and I seriously just can't. I can't!!!

She knows I am pregnant and hasn't checked in to see how things are going, not once. When I told her I was PG the first thing out of her mouth was not even congratulations, it was "did you finally do IVF?" I kid you not!

I emailed her back and told her I havent been feeling well the past few weeks and not up to visitors and that I'm sorry but we would have to "play it by ear" and her tone in her email back to me was "icy" She said "we're going to be here a week, we would like to come over, why are you being like this?" AHHHH!!!

The thing is, my husband works right now 7 days a week. I've been really sick during the day for the past 4 weeks and just cannot handle the three of them in my home right now- I can't. I haven't even had friends over, I have been feeling that sick. Her son is hyper and destructive and I will have to stress about my dog because he goes CRAZY, and of course, prepping food and cleaning up and having them here for hours, I just don't have the energy for them (they are INCREDIBLY draining, I wish I could explain). I can't drive right now even to the market and I am not able to go to where they are and play chauffer, which she has already hinted at me doing while they're in town (and I refuse to have my husband do it, either). Also, driving to meet them someplace "public" is out of the question because 1. I can't drive myself right now and 2. Even if Dh comes with me, we will be expected to foot the bill for them- and you know what? I don't want to spend one dime on them anymore. Is that bad? My husband and I don't even go out to eat anymore, because with a baby on the way and me not working, every penny counts. I sort of feel bad, at the same time, I'm sort of pissed off because I feel she is being inconsiderate and also, I'm tired of spending money on her and her family every time they come here.

I know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am, but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me. At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone.

Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.
Everything Erin said was right. Maybe throw in that you don't feel comfortable driving them around since you're so sick, especially since one is a child. (does he need a car seat or is he older?) just be honest and don't feel guilty. She probably won't understand but that's not your problem. Your problem right now is that you are already playing host to a much more important guest.
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Laura
Laura

July 3rd, 2012, 3:39 pm #8

Can't wait to hear the news!
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ZakiaZ
ZakiaZ

July 3rd, 2012, 3:40 pm #9

I hope it's okay to post this here, if not, Juliemam, feel free to let me know to move it to the thunderdome board. Have a little problem and was wondering how you would handle this.

I have a cousin who lives in Florida. A few days ago she sent me an email informing me that she, her husband and her son would be coming to my state for a week July 10-17th. Let me just say that we used to be really close, I was her MOH in her wedding and spoiled her rotten, then when she adopted her son I went crazy buying things for him and fussing over him. I've always gone above and beyond for her in many, many ways.

The last time she came to town, I had to play chauffer and drive her all over the place, feed and entertain her and her family. Not a thank you, not an offer to even pay for gas when I drove her around for about 200 miles, not even bringing a dessert with her to my home (and believe me she was raised to do these things, so she knows better). Ok, fine. When I was married a few years ago, she didn't come to my wedding, no excuse just "sorry we can't come" She never sent not even a wedding card (forget about a gift, just a card would have been nice) and I guess that has left me slightly bitter. We've grown apart over the past few years because as she said she's been "busy with her son". So now, she's coming to town and really wants to see me and wants to meet my husband. They are flying in with NO car rental, so it would be up to me to go fetch them wherever they are staying and bring them here then transport them back to wherever-and I seriously just can't. I can't!!!

She knows I am pregnant and hasn't checked in to see how things are going, not once. When I told her I was PG the first thing out of her mouth was not even congratulations, it was "did you finally do IVF?" I kid you not!

I emailed her back and told her I havent been feeling well the past few weeks and not up to visitors and that I'm sorry but we would have to "play it by ear" and her tone in her email back to me was "icy" She said "we're going to be here a week, we would like to come over, why are you being like this?" AHHHH!!!

The thing is, my husband works right now 7 days a week. I've been really sick during the day for the past 4 weeks and just cannot handle the three of them in my home right now- I can't. I haven't even had friends over, I have been feeling that sick. Her son is hyper and destructive and I will have to stress about my dog because he goes CRAZY, and of course, prepping food and cleaning up and having them here for hours, I just don't have the energy for them (they are INCREDIBLY draining, I wish I could explain). I can't drive right now even to the market and I am not able to go to where they are and play chauffer, which she has already hinted at me doing while they're in town (and I refuse to have my husband do it, either). Also, driving to meet them someplace "public" is out of the question because 1. I can't drive myself right now and 2. Even if Dh comes with me, we will be expected to foot the bill for them- and you know what? I don't want to spend one dime on them anymore. Is that bad? My husband and I don't even go out to eat anymore, because with a baby on the way and me not working, every penny counts. I sort of feel bad, at the same time, I'm sort of pissed off because I feel she is being inconsiderate and also, I'm tired of spending money on her and her family every time they come here.

I know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am, but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me. At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone.

Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.
"know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am,"

and you know this and you can't stop her.

"but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me."

EXACTLT!!!

"At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone."

Well, with a kind and understand heart I say this. Get over it. Your guilt comples is your downfall and your trap to get you into this kind of situation - remember I intend to be kind here but there's just no easy way to say it. People like her know about and play on others guilt complexes. So it's up to you to say - no. I'm not available and that's too bad. Get entertained somewhere else. You know enough now to know that she doesn't have your back.

"Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?"

Hell no!!!! Well, if she's gonna rub your feet and make you lunch and do some house cleaning then yeah, you can have her over for a couple of hrs. lol.

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.

GL with the scan and pls, find the courage to say "no". I did years ago and after that it only got easier such that I now have to stop and think before I respond, do I really wanna say no?

The power is in your hands. Take it and do what you need to do for YOU and too bad for who else doesn't like it. You know you're doing it from a good place, not a place of using others.

Z.
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ZakiaZ
ZakiaZ

July 3rd, 2012, 3:42 pm #10

typing too fast. Sorry for all the typos and bad english.

Z.
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