IF and my little one

IF and my little one

Anon for this
Anon for this

April 21st, 2012, 1:03 pm #1

I need to be anon for this as it is a debbie downer post.

I am starting to feel like my mc and years of IF struggles were a sign from God that maybe I should not have been a mom. Let me preface this by saying I love my LO to death and would not harm him/her.

I am learning that my expectations are probably a little high. However, I feel so bombarded by every book, website, peditrican that what I am doing in one case is right, the other wrong and the other the jury is still out on that opinion.

I hate feeling so inadequate.

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Joined: June 20th, 2006, 2:07 am

April 21st, 2012, 2:01 pm #2

to feel this way.

I often feel like the crappiest mom in the world but then, I sit back and take a good look at my two and see how happy they are, how compassionate they are towards their friends (well, DD needs a bit of work that way but she IS 4 AND a girl...lol) and realize I am just being down and forgetting to count my blessings.

Being a parent is really hard. We are "on" 24hrs a day and if you don't have your very own down time (aka mom-time) you get burned out. I speak from experience. and I am still trying to centre myself and stop yelling so much because I am on the brink of blowing a serious gasket.

What I find is real therapy is talking to other parents. Books are fine but really don't compare to commiseration among parent-peers.

Hence why some moms I know have created a bitch&stitch group--I've been a few times but can't go regularly; mostly I don't relate to them as women but as parents, sure. I have a girlfriend who has a girls night every two weeks where only about 3-4 of us get together and have a drink, some yummy finger foods (mmm hummus with sesame oil on top is so wonderful!) and talk talk talk about our mates, about sex (and how we want it yet could easily do without--lol--and about kids, sometimes. This evening is all about us as women. I hope to include a chick-flick movie night somewhere in my future because sharing a good chick flick with other chicks is satisfying, something I discovered when I went to stay witha girlfriend for a short week. We watched The Bridesmaids and The Help. Wow, that was fun to laugh and cry and look over and see my girlfriend doing the same. I finally understand what girl time is all about; took me 40yrs. LOL

Count your blessings (easily said but it can be done, even if all you can count is one or two, more will follow as your heart stops aching so much) and focus on the good stuff your child is showing you. That your child is loved. You ARE a good mom, it's just hard to feel it some days (I know )


One way to count blessings is realizing it could be worse. I recently found out that a neighbour a few streets over, an acquaintance with whom I've chatted with many many times at the park while we watched our crazy kids run around like wild kids--I exaggerate), is battling cancer that doesn't sound like she'll recover from. She's about my age, if not younger. The Drs knew there was something with her uterus, started to operate and saw it was all along her back, too much to operate so now it's either chemo or radiation until it gets to an operable level. My heart aches for her and her 3 kids and husband. (I have to admit something, this tragedy with our neighbour has helped my DH see the light at the end of his midlife crisis, he's looking more centred)
Bringing things into perspective is humbling. Doesn't minimize your feelings and I don't mean to do that. Life is hard. For me, imagining what could be worse helps me to see my blessings and count them--gosh, I sound so self righteous and I am not, truly.

I do feel that grief and depression are a necessary part of finding the lighter way of being, how it needs to balance things out. Be sure to recognize if you are down for too long and can't see a way out.
I had baby blues and I think it continued as ppdepression and I didn't realize it until much later, last year, actually. So I started taking folic acid, trying to eat more vegs and fruits, less sugar and that helped but not enough. So I asked about antidepressants. I am considering them but I think I have found relief with taking 5-HTP (tryptophan but in a different form--not too savvy on this, a friend suggested it to me) and I am feeling more in touch with my feelings but I have a bit more to go. MAking time for myself is key too but darn hard as a mom.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Don't hesitate to talk talk talk and explore. I was reading the book Mars&Venus Together Forever and in it I learned that women do need to talk talk talk, dissect and figure out out loud their feelings and thoughts while men tend to internalize and work things out all in their heads. Something that would make my head explode and feel like a whirlwind.

I bet anything that if you confide in a fellow parent that you feel like the worst mom ever, you'll hear a gasp and a me too.
hugs and love and hang in there, it does get easier
Juliemam


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Mrs. A
Mrs. A

April 21st, 2012, 2:18 pm #3

I need to be anon for this as it is a debbie downer post.

I am starting to feel like my mc and years of IF struggles were a sign from God that maybe I should not have been a mom. Let me preface this by saying I love my LO to death and would not harm him/her.

I am learning that my expectations are probably a little high. However, I feel so bombarded by every book, website, peditrican that what I am doing in one case is right, the other wrong and the other the jury is still out on that opinion.

I hate feeling so inadequate.
I don't have time for a long post but wanted to say that it's normal to feel inadequate and to question what we're doing. We all do it. So much so that J&J even made a commercial with this theme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yotq4zr0dRc

You're probably doing a far better job than you even imagine and soon enough you'll have that realization. But if you need help talk to your OB about counseling for PPD. PPD doesn't just happen right after birth; for some women it can hit even a year later.
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ekb88
ekb88

April 21st, 2012, 3:01 pm #4

I need to be anon for this as it is a debbie downer post.

I am starting to feel like my mc and years of IF struggles were a sign from God that maybe I should not have been a mom. Let me preface this by saying I love my LO to death and would not harm him/her.

I am learning that my expectations are probably a little high. However, I feel so bombarded by every book, website, peditrican that what I am doing in one case is right, the other wrong and the other the jury is still out on that opinion.

I hate feeling so inadequate.
If you pay attention to other peoples opinions. I'm a bit stubborn, which I think helps me manage my way through that constant bombardment you are talking about. It's almost shocking how much people think they can weigh in on your parenting. I think you just have to filter it all through your own experience and go from there.

When DS was 6 months I felt very pressured to start solids. It's the one child rearing moment I regret. I did it because I felt pressured, not because I thought he was ready. This is very unusual (meaning I don't want you to think this is a realistic concern for any infant starting solids), but he developed an intestinal blockage called an intusception (sp?) and had to have surgery. I had plans to fly to California with him for my good friends wedding, and of course we couldn't go. My instinct had been to wait on solids until after our trip, but I listened to random people and went ahead. If we had waited, he still might have gotten the intussception (unknown cause, but there is a known association with starting solids. Again, super-rare, do not worry about it!) but we likely would have made the trip.

Since then, I've been stronger about relying on my own opinion and thoughts instead of others. When the pediatrician said we should move DS to a toddler bed before he turned 2, I smiled and nodded but knew that wasn't the right thing for us. Do what you think is right for your family. There is a huge variation in children's development and temperament. You know your LO, trust yourself. I an sure you are doing a much better job than you think you are.

(and I second the previous poster about getting done "you time". Most Saturday mornings you'll find me alone at a diner with my newspaper, a waffle and a plate of bacon. Best hour of my week!)
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Ekb88
Ekb88

April 21st, 2012, 3:08 pm #5

I agree with pp about ppd. Hormones can go crazy for a while after birth, or after changes in breastfeeding, and they can definitely impact your moods. If you are feeling very low, do not hesitate to talk to your doctor about getting help, and do what you can to get some "refresher" time for yourself. It's okay to get a sitter for a few hours a week and do something for you!!!!
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Alli
Alli

April 21st, 2012, 3:24 pm #6

I need to be anon for this as it is a debbie downer post.

I am starting to feel like my mc and years of IF struggles were a sign from God that maybe I should not have been a mom. Let me preface this by saying I love my LO to death and would not harm him/her.

I am learning that my expectations are probably a little high. However, I feel so bombarded by every book, website, peditrican that what I am doing in one case is right, the other wrong and the other the jury is still out on that opinion.

I hate feeling so inadequate.
And Mrs. A- love that commercial.

I consistently feel that I am playing catch up. Yes, I have triplets but I really think I would be just as overwhelmed with one. I have the luxury of everyone complimenting me on how amazing I am even without seeing how I parent. Raising a child is the hardest thing I have ever done. NO ONE prepares you for this. The rewards are magnificent but man, its rough. Stay at home, work, or a combo of the 2, it's plain rough.

And definitely follow up with a doc if you don't feel better. Btw- my OB blew totally me off. A mom of triplets leaves 4 messages begging for a tiny bit of Xanax having a complete panic attack so bad she is literally frozen with anxiety. That's someone to ignore! They said I had to have an appt before getting an RX. This was Friday so I would have had to wait until at least Monday. Thankfully my mental health practitioner jumped right in and was really horrified by their response. I knew I would never hurt my kids or myself, but it still felt awful. You may feel like you are being normal but still get checked out.

Hope you feel better. We've all been there.
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Alli
Alli

April 21st, 2012, 3:32 pm #7

If you pay attention to other peoples opinions. I'm a bit stubborn, which I think helps me manage my way through that constant bombardment you are talking about. It's almost shocking how much people think they can weigh in on your parenting. I think you just have to filter it all through your own experience and go from there.

When DS was 6 months I felt very pressured to start solids. It's the one child rearing moment I regret. I did it because I felt pressured, not because I thought he was ready. This is very unusual (meaning I don't want you to think this is a realistic concern for any infant starting solids), but he developed an intestinal blockage called an intusception (sp?) and had to have surgery. I had plans to fly to California with him for my good friends wedding, and of course we couldn't go. My instinct had been to wait on solids until after our trip, but I listened to random people and went ahead. If we had waited, he still might have gotten the intussception (unknown cause, but there is a known association with starting solids. Again, super-rare, do not worry about it!) but we likely would have made the trip.

Since then, I've been stronger about relying on my own opinion and thoughts instead of others. When the pediatrician said we should move DS to a toddler bed before he turned 2, I smiled and nodded but knew that wasn't the right thing for us. Do what you think is right for your family. There is a huge variation in children's development and temperament. You know your LO, trust yourself. I an sure you are doing a much better job than you think you are.

(and I second the previous poster about getting done "you time". Most Saturday mornings you'll find me alone at a diner with my newspaper, a waffle and a plate of bacon. Best hour of my week!)
And it was super scary. Thankfully dad is a police officer and took him to closest fire station with EMT's. He went into shock and stopped breathing from the pain. He was fine thankfully.
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ekb88
ekb88

April 21st, 2012, 3:35 pm #8

And Mrs. A- love that commercial.

I consistently feel that I am playing catch up. Yes, I have triplets but I really think I would be just as overwhelmed with one. I have the luxury of everyone complimenting me on how amazing I am even without seeing how I parent. Raising a child is the hardest thing I have ever done. NO ONE prepares you for this. The rewards are magnificent but man, its rough. Stay at home, work, or a combo of the 2, it's plain rough.

And definitely follow up with a doc if you don't feel better. Btw- my OB blew totally me off. A mom of triplets leaves 4 messages begging for a tiny bit of Xanax having a complete panic attack so bad she is literally frozen with anxiety. That's someone to ignore! They said I had to have an appt before getting an RX. This was Friday so I would have had to wait until at least Monday. Thankfully my mental health practitioner jumped right in and was really horrified by their response. I knew I would never hurt my kids or myself, but it still felt awful. You may feel like you are being normal but still get checked out.

Hope you feel better. We've all been there.
Before DS was born that I have s family history of depression and that she should watch me for it. Luckily for me I didn't experience it. That's awful that your doc blew you off!
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Alli
Alli

April 21st, 2012, 3:43 pm #9

I have a family history, was on meds during and before pg, and with multiples the risk goes up even higher. I felt excellent during pg which can sometimes happen because of the hormones. Felt ok after birth, but when the kids came home from the NICU, all hell broke loose. I feel so sorry for women who have it and dont get help. Or dont realize there is help out there. It's awful.
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MargieD
MargieD

April 21st, 2012, 4:35 pm #10

I need to be anon for this as it is a debbie downer post.

I am starting to feel like my mc and years of IF struggles were a sign from God that maybe I should not have been a mom. Let me preface this by saying I love my LO to death and would not harm him/her.

I am learning that my expectations are probably a little high. However, I feel so bombarded by every book, website, peditrican that what I am doing in one case is right, the other wrong and the other the jury is still out on that opinion.

I hate feeling so inadequate.
I don't know how old your little one is... but eventually, you will become your own person...

I see the vast differences between the way my sister and I raise our kids. I realize that there's no right or wrong way of doing things. She might keep her kids up late while I make sure mine goes to bed at 8:30 - 9 pm. I NEED that Mommy time before I go to bed. She doesn't and since her hubby works at nights - she needs the company of her kids. She does pay for it in other ways (cranky kids in the morning). It works for her, but it doesn't work for me.

Again, I don't know how old your LO is, but eventually, you will develop your identity as a Mom. I can remember when I was going through that stage (and more than once) - I was very critical of myself and other Moms - until I realized I had to be ME and only ME.

And also...when I was taking my first psychology class in college, my professor talked about "good enough parenting." We are a society who loves to blame our parents, but really most parents are "good enough." This isn't talked about in the books, because it's not what sells books. (And that's why I avoid reading the books, websites, etc...)

Remember - you are good enough.
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