So upset, just need to vent.

So upset, just need to vent.

BabyDance
BabyDance

January 7th, 2012, 3:13 pm #1

I am really in the place of letting go, really wrapping my head around child free, but then as usual, and like clockwork, I get symptoms 6,7,8 DPO and think I'm implanting. I see all of my life flash in front of me, and that I'm finally going to get my baby, only to have it all disappear around 10 DPO. Happens EVERY month, as you all now, because I've been posting. I thought it was some intestinal thing, so I did all of this work to clear that, which I did, and I could feel it was different this month, but it's STILL happening, and alway around implantation time. Without the intestinal component, it actually feels healthy (with the intestinal part, it was severe cramping, painful). Don't really need anyone to say anything, just I've been really working on this letting go, and this takes me 10 steps backwards every month. Sucks.
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Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

January 7th, 2012, 4:31 pm #2

I hate that waiting business every month. You wait to ovulate, then wait to see if it all works, then you get really disappointed and start all over again. I really think you should keep trying though. The problem is I have no idea what to suggest so you are not stressed about it every month. I know how hard it is when trying to have a baby is the main thing on your mind. Well it is just very upsetting. Somehow if you could continue trying while at the same time be at peace letting go of all of it. Even just a good distraction sounds nice. Well I really hope you have a good day. Sending you pleasant thoughts.
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DeeinNYC
DeeinNYC

January 7th, 2012, 4:55 pm #3

I am really in the place of letting go, really wrapping my head around child free, but then as usual, and like clockwork, I get symptoms 6,7,8 DPO and think I'm implanting. I see all of my life flash in front of me, and that I'm finally going to get my baby, only to have it all disappear around 10 DPO. Happens EVERY month, as you all now, because I've been posting. I thought it was some intestinal thing, so I did all of this work to clear that, which I did, and I could feel it was different this month, but it's STILL happening, and alway around implantation time. Without the intestinal component, it actually feels healthy (with the intestinal part, it was severe cramping, painful). Don't really need anyone to say anything, just I've been really working on this letting go, and this takes me 10 steps backwards every month. Sucks.
Just sending you lots of [[[HUGS]]] n/t
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futurebeauty
futurebeauty

January 7th, 2012, 5:01 pm #4

I am really in the place of letting go, really wrapping my head around child free, but then as usual, and like clockwork, I get symptoms 6,7,8 DPO and think I'm implanting. I see all of my life flash in front of me, and that I'm finally going to get my baby, only to have it all disappear around 10 DPO. Happens EVERY month, as you all now, because I've been posting. I thought it was some intestinal thing, so I did all of this work to clear that, which I did, and I could feel it was different this month, but it's STILL happening, and alway around implantation time. Without the intestinal component, it actually feels healthy (with the intestinal part, it was severe cramping, painful). Don't really need anyone to say anything, just I've been really working on this letting go, and this takes me 10 steps backwards every month. Sucks.
I think it is very difficult to really let go when you are still TTC. Hope is a very powerful emotion and if you are still TTC then you still have the hope each month that this may be your lucky cycle.

I can relate and can offer my experience of TTC w/ OE even when moving forward w/ DE. I tried up to the very last cycle prior to going on lupron. My clinic wanted to keep me on BCP for a few months while we waited for the other recipient to be ready. I was like, "Oh, no I can not do that b/c I will miss 2 cycles of TTC w/ OE." Of course I wanted to be one of the lucky ones and get pg on my own and cancel my DE cycle and save the loss of genetics and money. However, I did try and it was not in the cards for me. Sure, I could have continued to try until I was 43/44/45 but the thought of keeping my life on hold for another 3 or 4 yrs after the past 3 yrs just made me sick.

BD, it may be that I already have OE children that moving on to DE was easier. It may be that I was so sick and tired of failure and hurt over the last 3 yrs. I know that you have expressed over and over that DE is not for you but being someone that has OE kids and now future DE kids. I feel NO DIFFERENT about this pg. Absolutely no difference. It is the same and these babies are mine. I chose a donor that favors me so these kids will favor my other kids just fine and if not then they don't. I did my best and there are more important things in life such as health and intelligence.

Do you know how often I thought about my OE children being my OE kids and if they looked like me?? Not once until my fertility issues. Not one time. My OE kids barely look like me. My DH has stronger genes and they favor him much more.

I hope that I did not turn this into another post about me which I think I did but not my intention. I just think that you want and deserve to be a mother so bad that I just wish you could live in my heart for a day so that you could see/feel that it just does not matter if it is OE or DE or other means adoption/donor embryo. What matters is that motherhood is obtained and you have your child to love and nuture and have joy watching them grow. Having kids is like stepping back into childhood again and reliving all the good/bad of growing up. I wish this for you.

Gotta go and ship off my ebay items that were purchased. Another fun thing about parenthood. Having to sell stuff to bring in extra income. Not fun but a great option.

Hugs from Tx.

FB
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ALM
ALM

January 7th, 2012, 5:15 pm #5

From everything you've posted it doesn't sound like your heart really wants to be child free. I woldn't have been able to do it. The thought of it pissed me off! You are still young, so I'd say keep trying. If you were 45 then it would be different (not to discourage any of the 44/45 y/o's, but it is easier in early 40's, just a fact). I know it is hard and that you want to gain some control and be able to move your life forward. I feel for you and really understand where you are. I hope you get your wish soon, or that something changes in your heart so you can have a bit more peace. This is a rough, rough journey. Blessings to you.
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BabyDance
BabyDance

January 7th, 2012, 5:17 pm #6

I think it is very difficult to really let go when you are still TTC. Hope is a very powerful emotion and if you are still TTC then you still have the hope each month that this may be your lucky cycle.

I can relate and can offer my experience of TTC w/ OE even when moving forward w/ DE. I tried up to the very last cycle prior to going on lupron. My clinic wanted to keep me on BCP for a few months while we waited for the other recipient to be ready. I was like, "Oh, no I can not do that b/c I will miss 2 cycles of TTC w/ OE." Of course I wanted to be one of the lucky ones and get pg on my own and cancel my DE cycle and save the loss of genetics and money. However, I did try and it was not in the cards for me. Sure, I could have continued to try until I was 43/44/45 but the thought of keeping my life on hold for another 3 or 4 yrs after the past 3 yrs just made me sick.

BD, it may be that I already have OE children that moving on to DE was easier. It may be that I was so sick and tired of failure and hurt over the last 3 yrs. I know that you have expressed over and over that DE is not for you but being someone that has OE kids and now future DE kids. I feel NO DIFFERENT about this pg. Absolutely no difference. It is the same and these babies are mine. I chose a donor that favors me so these kids will favor my other kids just fine and if not then they don't. I did my best and there are more important things in life such as health and intelligence.

Do you know how often I thought about my OE children being my OE kids and if they looked like me?? Not once until my fertility issues. Not one time. My OE kids barely look like me. My DH has stronger genes and they favor him much more.

I hope that I did not turn this into another post about me which I think I did but not my intention. I just think that you want and deserve to be a mother so bad that I just wish you could live in my heart for a day so that you could see/feel that it just does not matter if it is OE or DE or other means adoption/donor embryo. What matters is that motherhood is obtained and you have your child to love and nuture and have joy watching them grow. Having kids is like stepping back into childhood again and reliving all the good/bad of growing up. I wish this for you.

Gotta go and ship off my ebay items that were purchased. Another fun thing about parenthood. Having to sell stuff to bring in extra income. Not fun but a great option.

Hugs from Tx.

FB
I really do. I just can't do it. It's too hard to explain, it's just the situation I'm in with DP. He doesn't want a child, this is only for me. To me, it just doesn't make sense to do DE when he is not invested. It may to someone else, but it doesn't to me. When I start to go that direction in my head, it just doesn't make sense for us. I know that most of you don't entirely understand why, I can't seem to explain it any better, but DE is just not right for my situation. Thanks for your thoughtful response. Often, as you know, when the conversations starts in a certain way, it can get irritating, but this did not, and I appreciate that. xoxo BD
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MargieD
MargieD

January 7th, 2012, 6:26 pm #7

DEs wouldn't be right for us either - mainly because of DH and how he can be a real jerk sometimes. (I'd rather not get into it further here on the boards.)

If I was with someone else, it may have been an option.

Anyhow, I think this is a wise, but difficult decision to make.






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Suz44
Suz44

January 7th, 2012, 6:36 pm #8

I am really in the place of letting go, really wrapping my head around child free, but then as usual, and like clockwork, I get symptoms 6,7,8 DPO and think I'm implanting. I see all of my life flash in front of me, and that I'm finally going to get my baby, only to have it all disappear around 10 DPO. Happens EVERY month, as you all now, because I've been posting. I thought it was some intestinal thing, so I did all of this work to clear that, which I did, and I could feel it was different this month, but it's STILL happening, and alway around implantation time. Without the intestinal component, it actually feels healthy (with the intestinal part, it was severe cramping, painful). Don't really need anyone to say anything, just I've been really working on this letting go, and this takes me 10 steps backwards every month. Sucks.
I am right with you. Just when I think OK, I can move forward, that little voice is saying hold on, the fat lady hasn't sung yet. I was so convinced this cycle since my normal pattern of off a bit-but I chalk it up to missing accu because of holidays. Meantime, I'm doing everything I can to be as healthy as I can, just in case. And look and feel young--I'm trying the mind over matter approach now. Can we trick our hormones to thinking they are 10yrs younger???
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DeeinNYC
DeeinNYC

January 7th, 2012, 6:49 pm #9

I think it is very difficult to really let go when you are still TTC. Hope is a very powerful emotion and if you are still TTC then you still have the hope each month that this may be your lucky cycle.

I can relate and can offer my experience of TTC w/ OE even when moving forward w/ DE. I tried up to the very last cycle prior to going on lupron. My clinic wanted to keep me on BCP for a few months while we waited for the other recipient to be ready. I was like, "Oh, no I can not do that b/c I will miss 2 cycles of TTC w/ OE." Of course I wanted to be one of the lucky ones and get pg on my own and cancel my DE cycle and save the loss of genetics and money. However, I did try and it was not in the cards for me. Sure, I could have continued to try until I was 43/44/45 but the thought of keeping my life on hold for another 3 or 4 yrs after the past 3 yrs just made me sick.

BD, it may be that I already have OE children that moving on to DE was easier. It may be that I was so sick and tired of failure and hurt over the last 3 yrs. I know that you have expressed over and over that DE is not for you but being someone that has OE kids and now future DE kids. I feel NO DIFFERENT about this pg. Absolutely no difference. It is the same and these babies are mine. I chose a donor that favors me so these kids will favor my other kids just fine and if not then they don't. I did my best and there are more important things in life such as health and intelligence.

Do you know how often I thought about my OE children being my OE kids and if they looked like me?? Not once until my fertility issues. Not one time. My OE kids barely look like me. My DH has stronger genes and they favor him much more.

I hope that I did not turn this into another post about me which I think I did but not my intention. I just think that you want and deserve to be a mother so bad that I just wish you could live in my heart for a day so that you could see/feel that it just does not matter if it is OE or DE or other means adoption/donor embryo. What matters is that motherhood is obtained and you have your child to love and nuture and have joy watching them grow. Having kids is like stepping back into childhood again and reliving all the good/bad of growing up. I wish this for you.

Gotta go and ship off my ebay items that were purchased. Another fun thing about parenthood. Having to sell stuff to bring in extra income. Not fun but a great option.

Hugs from Tx.

FB
Every word of your post spoke to me. Every single one. I needed to read this post today. Thank you.
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BabyDance
BabyDance

January 7th, 2012, 10:26 pm #10

I am really in the place of letting go, really wrapping my head around child free, but then as usual, and like clockwork, I get symptoms 6,7,8 DPO and think I'm implanting. I see all of my life flash in front of me, and that I'm finally going to get my baby, only to have it all disappear around 10 DPO. Happens EVERY month, as you all now, because I've been posting. I thought it was some intestinal thing, so I did all of this work to clear that, which I did, and I could feel it was different this month, but it's STILL happening, and alway around implantation time. Without the intestinal component, it actually feels healthy (with the intestinal part, it was severe cramping, painful). Don't really need anyone to say anything, just I've been really working on this letting go, and this takes me 10 steps backwards every month. Sucks.
I really think it's an embryo that doesn't implant. Does anyone else think this. I think it's one bad egg after the other, but, on the other hand, how can I really be conceiving every cycle. I can't remember if I had these symptoms on the cycle where the egg did not grow to day 3, but I don't think I did. I've pretty much had this almost every cycle for the last year. Nuts. What else could be going on. So frustrating. I'd rather it be one way or the other. No symptoms and no preg, or all symptoms and preg. You know? Love you all and big hugs. This sucks!!!
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