Here is what I worry about if I do DE (everything ment)

Here is what I worry about if I do DE (everything ment)

LadyG
LadyG

June 19th, 2012, 4:30 am #1

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
Quote
Share

Joined: August 6th, 2011, 6:43 am

June 19th, 2012, 5:36 am #2

Yes, you may wonder your entire nine months if you should have just tried one more time with your OE. And it is possible you will have scary thoughts throughout your pregnancy. I did. But hopefully you won't. I even felt it was all kinda strange when my DS was first born. But then actually it is strange to give birth with OE or DE. All of a sudden another little person is in the room . But then you will fall totally in love with the little person and you won't care about the DE or loss of genetic connection. And yes you will love the baby just as much as your OE baby. The genetics don't matter. I agonized over these same issues and realize now I was worried about nothing. The love is equal and I do not show any favortism to my OE child.

As far as telling my DS or DD, we have not decided. I also had huge anxiety about all that. But now that DS is here, I'll think later about who we are going to tell. For now I just love every day I get to spend with my baby and feel so lucky he is here. He is my little miracle baby.
Quote
Like
Share

Joined: June 6th, 2011, 1:43 am

June 19th, 2012, 12:50 pm #3

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
I can relate to a lot of what you said. I am 40 1/2. My husband and I have been TTC since my son turned 1 (so just over a year and a half). During that time, I have had two M/Cs (one after a natural BFP and the most recent one after an IUI). My husband is SOOOOOOO ready to move onto DE. He is tired of seeing me so sad and to be honest, so am I. However, I'm just not ready to give up yet. My brothers are biologically related to me, but my sister is adopted and I couldn't care less. I couldn't ask for a better sister! So, I'm not worried that I might love my DE child less than my OE child. However, my sister has spoken to me about issues she has relating to being adopted and I feel sad that my future child might feel the same way. My husband and I agreed that we would continue to TTC with my eggs until I turn 41 and then we'll move onto DE. Hopefully at that point in time I'll be ready to move forward.

It's so nice to hear from others who have been "in our shoes". So, in addition to this board, I spend time on the DE boards. It's been really helpful. Good luck!
Quote
Like
Share

anne
anne

June 19th, 2012, 3:56 pm #4

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
but here i am too. it's a huge loss especially to those who haven't had genetic children like me. i'm still mourning it but that's the way it appears to be going down.

you are still young enough to try with oe or you could do de and it might cause you to get pg again on your own. these things are a crap shoot.

the thing is that you will be connected in the ways that matter, and physically you will have given him/her your blood supply and some genetic material(eye colour) and you will have control over how he/she will be nourished and the sounds they will hear, like music and your heartbeat.

i really think it won't matter.
Quote
Share

Antonialisa
Antonialisa

June 19th, 2012, 4:07 pm #5

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
I understand perfectly. My DH and I are moving toward DE and it is a journey fraught with anxiety and grief, unfortunately.

One thing that makes me feel very hopeful about DE is lurking on the DE Pregnancy and Parenting Board. I actually started collecting happy endings to keep me going. Here are a couple recent ones (with apologies for cutting and pasting off another board). Good luck to you.

These posts speak for themselves:

I'm a mom
June 8 2012 at 12:29 AM Ann (Login willbamom)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and loving every single minute. Baby girl arrived a week ago, 7 lbs 20
inches. Happiest days of my life. Healing with c-section and doing ok.

I cried like a baby when she was born. I mean, deep, heaving sobs of
happiness. Dr. came to visit next day and said he never saw someone so
happy and in love. DH is so in love with this child. I do not feel any
regret for doing DE (not like I had a choice). This baby is all mine
in every way and I will protect her with my life.

Every diaper change, every sore nipple from BF and sleepless nights
are worth everything.

My jaded ladies and all the lovely women who helped me get here, thank
you with all my heart.




1 Year Ago!
June 8 2012 at 7:07 AM ks (Login ks1415)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My life changed in such a wonderful, unimaginable way! I feel like
we've won the lottery being Lola's parents! It's more than I was ever
able to dream of! Today my baby girl turns 1! I can't believe it's
been a year! And I'm so happy to be excited for all the days to come
with her!
I wouldn't be where we are today without all of you wonderful ladies,
so THANK YOU! Your support and guidance led us to the best thing in
the world!
Much love!
ks
Quote
Share

Jamie
Jamie

June 19th, 2012, 5:49 pm #6

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
I went to four REs and the first two told me DE or bust. Although DE is a wonderful option for many people, and I fully support those who use it, I just never felt comfortable with DE. I knew that I would love the baby just as much, but I FEARED the conversation one day with the child about how my husband was the bio father but the bio mother was some person out there, not me. I know that some people don't tell but that would feel like a ticking time bomb of a secret that would come out at some point and would then be worse, so I knew that I would tell the child at least.

We eventually decided that if OE didn't work out we would adopt. Notice I don't say "just adopt" because I know it's tough, but then we wouldn't have the issue of the child has a bio relationship to husband and not to me. My husband was great and supportive about all of this.

Again, DE can be wonderful for some but I felt very uneasy about it. Fortunately my fourth RE helped me have my little girl at age 39. Hoping for a sibling from the two frozen embryos we have, but if they don't work out we'll cycle again and if that doesn't work out, adoption. Actually, we hope to adopt at some point anyway.
Quote
Share

anne
anne

June 19th, 2012, 9:20 pm #7

until i saw the exhorbitant cost of private adoption which appears to be just as unsure in the final result. plus i would like to carry a pg and i think that would go a long way with bonding and feeling them grow for nine months.

i would explain it that the mother donated an egg but i grew him/her in my belly and gave my blood. you never know, it may not matter to the child but i think it's important to be honest.
Quote
Share

kfx216
kfx216

June 20th, 2012, 12:11 am #8

So I am just 40 and if I go down the DE path, say, in 6 months time, I worry that for those 9 months of pregnancy, perhaps one of those months would be have been the month where I got the golden egg if I kept trying with my OE. I don't want to rush in with DE and clearly these concerns above probably indicate I am not psychologically ready. I just worry that I'll have regrets that I didn't keep at it with OE which is barely rational given I have not made one normal after 3 IVFs (and 3 natural bfps that ended in m/c).

I also worry about what I would tell DD when she is older - that her sibling has a different genetic mother? Would I sub-consciously favor my genetic child over my DE child? Would the DE child think the OE child was favored? Such horrible things to be even raising but I do think about this stuff.

Sorry for rambling...all of this is just doing my head in.
I have 1 bio and 1 adopted can say that I don't love either of my kids more than the other. My kids are now 7 and 2.

Although DE wasn't for me - I had started the adoption process when I got bfp with my older DD at 40.5 - having gone the gestational surro route for #2 before adoption, I will say that I do believe that whomever carries a child have some degree of genetic influence. It was definitely a concern for me with the surro I used given she had some pretty major genetic issues in her family. I don't think we truly know how genes can be switched on/off and/or influenced in utero (and beyond). So from that standpoint, I totally believe you WILL impact your child simply by carrying. Of course, the issues you raise with having 1 bio and 1 DE are legit. There are women on the pink board who are in a similar situation and whom I'm sure will speak to you about that.

I also understand completely the drive to carry a child and give birth. But for those open to it, adoption can be a wonderful option. My younger DD is a dream. It is an open adoption and her birth parents are fantastic. I read Spirit Babies and truly believe my DD (or her birth mom) heard my cry and came to me. I also have friends who have adopted from foreign countries and others from the foster care system - it's whatever feels right to you.

Best to you and all on this board.
Quote
Share


Confirmation of reply: