Been a while and just spilling it all now (long...everything ment.)

Been a while and just spilling it all now (long...everything ment.)

anon10 (but now sugar)
anon10 (but now sugar)

March 30th, 2012, 11:22 pm #1

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
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kfx216
kfx216

March 31st, 2012, 12:02 am #2

Sugar, I can feel your pain and know what a difficult time you are going through. I hope that a path becomes clear to you. As the mother of an adopted DD, I can tell you that I couldn't love my DD any more than if I birthed her, and I can imagine that it would be even more so with DE since you would nourish and grow the child. I also can't imagine that the mother doesn't have some genetic impact on the child with DE. But, it is a hard decision. I hope that any decisions that you and your DH are successful and bring you peace.
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DeeinNYC
DeeinNYC

March 31st, 2012, 2:30 am #3

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
No need to feel sorry about expressing yourself. I know that many of us have been where you are now. What you have been through the 18 months is traumatic. Worse yet...when you go through all that you have been through and seemingly have nothing to show for it..it really does seem like a cosmic slap in the face. It's hard....that is for sure. I have moved onto DE's myself but I do still mourn the loss of not being able to have a baby with my OE. I really think that it is a process. All I can tell you is that things do get better. Soon you will realize that what you really want is to complete your family and when that happens, I think you will start to feel better about DE's. I can also say this..I have never read of or heard of one woman that had a DE baby that was not completely and totally in love with their little one. Hold onto that thought and think about what your life will be like down the road. You will not always be in IF hell. You will get through this. Until then, express yourself and be gentle with yourself.
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snowbank03
snowbank03

March 31st, 2012, 12:34 pm #4

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
And I think you are right in choosing DE. My little DE angel is sitting next to me reading a book and what a true joy! I wish you success.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

March 31st, 2012, 4:25 pm #5

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
Anon 10,

I'm so sorry for your pain and what you're going through. We here have been through it and understand. I have a DE child myself, and it was a process. I did grieve, but now that my little one is here I'm just as in love as I can imagine being. We are currently no tell, but that will probably change as our child gets older. Noone knows at this point - no family, friends, noone. Part of the grief, at least on my part, was the worry that the child (not to mention society at large) would not deem me it's mother once they find out a donor egg was used. So more of this for me anyhow is that the child would not feel I was the mother, not the other way around. This is my child as far as I'm concerned.

None of this is easy, but you have fought a valiant fight! When I was still going through the grief process it occurred to me that I assumed I'd have a perfectly healthy baby that looked just like me and had all of the BEST qualities of me and my family. Many people have OE children who are unhealthy or just very different from them.

I wish you peace, happiness, and joy as you move forward to next steps.
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sugar
sugar

March 31st, 2012, 5:27 pm #6

your words of experience, support and encouragement have touched me. I do understand it is a process and it's true I do need to be patient and gentle with myself but that is not always so easy and it needs to be reminded. The IF journey is a difficult one yet a journey filled with much hope and when the pin finally pops that bubble of hopefulness, boy does it knock the wind out of you. Now I am trying to catch my breath and with the grief just trying to embrace what the next steps will be and at the end of the day I also know with DE there are no guarantees. These boards are precious and like many of you on this road no one knows about our struggles - it's a lot to keep in and keep from family and friends which probably has added to my recent anxiety. As far as to tell or not to tell - if I am lucky enough to reach that stage you can be sure I will be consulting the experts on these boards. Sending heartfelt hugs to you all. S.
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Jamie
Jamie

March 31st, 2012, 10:58 pm #7

I know it has got to be so hard to contemplate the move to DE, but as others have said you won't regret it once you have your child. I am hoping for very quick success for you and that you experience the joy of motherhood soon.
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Joined: June 2nd, 2007, 7:45 am

April 1st, 2012, 12:07 am #8

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
And believe me you are most likely to have come though the worst of it. I tried OE IVF for three years aged 37 to 40 after 18 years trying all else. We first moved to adoption which ended badly for us and by then DE was a pretty easy step (even Dembies would have been fine for us too).
Fast forward exactly two years since our donor started stims and we are happy beyond belief with our wee DE daughter. We havent laughed so much in a long long time. And while the grief of losing genetic connection will probably always be present a little for me, I wouldn't want any different child than the gorgeous one I've ended up with. I wish you courage and peace as you take your next steps.
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anne
anne

April 1st, 2012, 5:47 am #9

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
i'm so tired of this, been at it for 8 years now with nothing to show for it and all the $$$ i've spent. i was in the grocery picking up a few things and i saw a beautiful toddler who looked a lot like my husband and i thought...you know? i could do this...
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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 6:33 pm

April 1st, 2012, 6:22 am #10

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO
though my situation is not as long as yours I was forty when I had a life threatening illness that pretty much nipped a large part of my chances of having an OE pregnancy. My story is different in that I was single and about 37 or so when I started wanting to have children, and was not married. Technology was not there even for fertility preservation, by forty, I was ready to do what ever it took, even being a single mom. Then the illness. I knew within days of being in the hospital my life was going to be about my illness for a good year to two years, (it was more like three or four)

but odd things do have a way of happening. I met my husband as I was recovering from my illness.
we got engaged and married. But by that time, I was 45. Yes, I could have tried with OE, but I had had so many surgeries and procedures I just could not bear to do it.

If nothing less, DE was less invasive than regular IVF and I needed to be easy on my body.

So I went the route of DE direct.

But I understand the anger none the less. Anger that technology ever changing was not there at certain times, and now it is.
Though certainly not on the level you are feeling.

Feel the anger. And know this is a very emotional process just as much as physical. your mind emotions spouse etc will let you know what step to take next, and what that step will be. wishing you the very best.
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