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Kyatenaru
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Joined: November 8th, 2010, 2:43 am

May 9th, 2011, 2:22 am #381

[+] My thoughts
That Surge scene...I had to scroll down to the bottom to copy/paste it into a word editor, and I caught enough to guess who it was. xD I was confused until I actually got to that part...and then I was just...happy? Joyful? They're weird words to use for what I felt, but it was like "FUCK YEAH." There we go, that's what I'm looking for. xD

Daisy-Chris fight was INTENSE. I wonder if/how Giovanni's going to get into the safe?

And SURGE. Damn that was awesome. :) This story is just crazy with its twists and turns, but they all make sense and aren't deus-ex-machina sort of things, which is hard to do, but which you pull off well.
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LordQ
Hoenn League Champion
Hoenn League Champion
Joined: August 7th, 2010, 12:59 am

May 9th, 2011, 2:41 am #382

I'm gonna have to be honest here. Parts of that chapter reeked. The bit with William and Chris trying to bring Daisy to the good side and her lashing back in the worst way possible felt cliched and overdone. The pair asking her the question was alright, but the way she responded wasn't, in my honest opinion. It almost felt out of character the way she responded with hysterics, considering the fact that she's supposed to be some sort of evil genius. I would've expected something like the following:

Will&Chris: Join us!
Daisy: Hah, I see your game. You know you can't beat me, so you respond to diplomacy!
Will&Chris: Don't be like that, you're not like the other Rockets!
Daisy: Of course I'm not like them. I'm worse. Electrode EXPLOSION!

You get the idea.

And then there's this. It almost pains me to read it again, it's just so amateurishly written, so unlike you Bob.
wrote:The two attacks fought with each other in the air, the Shadow Ball pushing the Thunderbolt back and the Thunderbolt pushing the Shadow Ball back, but finally the Shadow Ball won and broke through the electrical energy.
I don't think I need say more about this. Except maybe hello Harry Potter vs Voldemort fight?

But your description throughout the entirety of the chapter felt almost Hollywoodish (by which I mean Michael Bayish, which really doesn't work in stories) and could've been better. The above is just one example.

Overall though, it was a decently scripted battle. And Giovanni trying to shoot Jessy was a surprise for sure, the good type that is. And Surge arriving was a master stroke. Overall, a fine chapter. Just a few niggles.
>> Check out my "new" run, The Ruler! <<

Banner coming soon!
[+] Spoiler
My random writings | Technologist (wt)
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TrainerBOB
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Joined: January 7th, 2011, 1:40 am

May 9th, 2011, 3:04 am #383

[+] Replies
Kyatenaru wrote:
[+] My thoughts
That Surge scene...I had to scroll down to the bottom to copy/paste it into a word editor, and I caught enough to guess who it was. xD I was confused until I actually got to that part...and then I was just...happy? Joyful? They're weird words to use for what I felt, but it was like "FUCK YEAH." There we go, that's what I'm looking for. xD

Daisy-Chris fight was INTENSE. I wonder if/how Giovanni's going to get into the safe?

And SURGE. Damn that was awesome. :) This story is just crazy with its twists and turns, but they all make sense and aren't deus-ex-machina sort of things, which is hard to do, but which you pull off well.
Thanks Kyatenaru :smile:
And yeah, that was kind of the feeling I was going for with Surge, its not really a happy feeling, more like a pump-your-fist-in-the-air feeling. :laughing:
LordQ wrote:I'm gonna have to be honest here. Parts of that chapter reeked. The bit with William and Chris trying to bring Daisy to the good side and her lashing back in the worst way possible felt cliched and overdone. The pair asking her the question was alright, but the way she responded wasn't, in my honest opinion. It almost felt out of character the way she responded with hysterics, considering the fact that she's supposed to be some sort of evil genius. I would've expected something like the following:

Will&Chris: Join us!
Daisy: Hah, I see your game. You know you can't beat me, so you respond to diplomacy!
Will&Chris: Don't be like that, you're not like the other Rockets!
Daisy: Of course I'm not like them. I'm worse. Electrode EXPLOSION!

You get the idea.

And then there's this. It almost pains me to read it again, it's just so amateurishly written, so unlike you Bob.
wrote:The two attacks fought with each other in the air, the Shadow Ball pushing the Thunderbolt back and the Thunderbolt pushing the Shadow Ball back, but finally the Shadow Ball won and broke through the electrical energy.
I don't think I need say more about this. Except maybe hello Harry Potter vs Voldemort fight?

But your description throughout the entirety of the chapter felt almost Hollywoodish (by which I mean Michael Bayish, which really doesn't work in stories) and could've been better. The above is just one example.

Overall though, it was a decently scripted battle. And Giovanni trying to shoot Jessy was a surprise for sure, the good type that is. And Surge arriving was a master stroke. Overall, a fine chapter. Just a few niggles.
Thank you for being honest with me LordQ - I need that. I'm mostly hoping to approve my writing with this, and the fact that it took a step backwards in this chapter isn't a good thing. :=/:

I'm going to have to totally agree with you on the Daisy dialogue - to be honest I'm not completely sure what I was thinking. I think in the future I'm going to have to write out detailed character sheets that I can refer back to with each chapter. Hopefully that will be able to ensure something like that doesn't happen again, and characters stay within their constructed realms.

As far as the descriptions with battling go, I guess I'm going to have to take a step back and reanalyze how I approach battle scenes. The moment of Chris vs. Daisy was huge, but I guess I got a bit overboard when it came to writing it. Sorry about that. As far as the shadow ball vs. thunderbolt thing, I was actually thinking back to the anime. Though I can't remember what episode, I definitely remember some sort of scene when a shadow ball and a thunderbolt attack collide. Regardless, now that I reread that particular sentence I kind of want to vomit, so it doesn't really matter where the "inspiration" came from.

So, sorry, this chapter was kind of rushed, but that's no excuse. Thank you for the honest feedback, it really helps my writing. I hope I can redeem myself next update and you stay around to give me a second chance. :smile:
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Destroyanator
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Joined: March 29th, 2011, 2:38 am

May 9th, 2011, 5:21 am #384

i'm afraid i have to agree with LordQ on this one. the whole "daisy you're still a good person" felt a little awkward..... but i loved the image at the end. Surge is such a badass
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Epsi
Conqueror of the Goldenrod Gym
Conqueror of the Goldenrod Gym
Joined: December 8th, 2010, 5:33 am

May 9th, 2011, 6:05 am #385

Was totally reminded of Die Hard when Surge walked in - I couldn't help but grin, too.
Hello. Let's play some music.
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Hawkfire
Conqueror of the Rustboro Gym
Conqueror of the Rustboro Gym
Joined: February 23rd, 2011, 8:06 am

May 9th, 2011, 7:18 am #386

Wow, the end of this chapter... Damn Surge is made of win.
I agree a bit with Lord Q's critique about Daisy's character, but everyone makes mistakes now and then.
But still, SURGE. And Giovanni attempting to shoot Jessie... But SURGE.
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lisalo
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Joined: April 29th, 2011, 10:59 pm

May 9th, 2011, 4:54 pm #387

I honestly thought she would have more of a link to Jhoto, and so only use only native pokemon. Oh well, it's still a great fight.

Bout the Surge part, though, he only has Raichu, no?All the others died at the gym, so, unless he's caught more (Zapdos?) he is only going to have that. Not much in reinforcement.
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Kyatenaru
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Joined: November 8th, 2010, 2:43 am

May 9th, 2011, 7:12 pm #388

lisalo wrote:I honestly thought she would have more of a link to Jhoto, and so only use only native pokemon. Oh well, it's still a great fight.

Bout the Surge part, though, he only has Raichu, no?All the others died at the gym, so, unless he's caught more (Zapdos?) he is only going to have that. Not much in reinforcement.
I don't think Surge is afraid to use
[+] Spoiler
those guns he has.
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lisalo
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Joined: April 29th, 2011, 10:59 pm

May 9th, 2011, 7:16 pm #389

Maybe, but can he afford bullets (cuz Giovanni said nothing about guns, he said BULLETS were exensive), and if Giovanni, a crime lord, only has 2...
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Kyatenaru
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Joined: November 8th, 2010, 2:43 am

May 10th, 2011, 1:37 am #390

That's true...maybe he had a few magazines after the war was over, and saved them for when he needed them? And why would he bring the guns if he didn't have the bullets? *shrug* I guess we'll have to wait and see what's up with that.
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TrainerBOB
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Joined: January 7th, 2011, 1:40 am

May 10th, 2011, 1:45 am #391

[+] Replies
Destroyanator wrote:i'm afraid i have to agree with LordQ on this one. the whole "daisy you're still a good person" felt a little awkward..... but i loved the image at the end. Surge is such a badass
Thanks Destroyanator - Surge is probably my favorite gym-leader (as far as his character compared to the others.)
Plus, little side-note, Raichu has always been my favorite Pokemon. Maybe that's why I made Surge into such a positive character [/deep psychological reasons]
Epsilon wrote:Was totally reminded of Die Hard when Surge walked in - I couldn't help but grin, too.
Thanks Epsilon! :smile:
Hawkfire wrote:Wow, the end of this chapter... Damn Surge is made of win.
I agree a bit with Lord Q's critique about Daisy's character, but everyone makes mistakes now and then.
But still, SURGE. And Giovanni attempting to shoot Jessie... But SURGE.
Thanks Hawkfire - I'm glad there were a few ups to this chapter :smile:
lisalo wrote:I honestly thought she would have more of a link to Jhoto, and so only use only native pokemon. Oh well, it's still a great fight.

Bout the Surge part, though, he only has Raichu, no?All the others died at the gym, so, unless he's caught more (Zapdos?) he is only going to have that. Not much in reinforcement.
Kyatenaru wrote:
lisalo wrote:I honestly thought she would have more of a link to Jhoto, and so only use only native pokemon. Oh well, it's still a great fight.
Bout the Surge part, though, he only has Raichu, no?All the others died at the gym, so, unless he's caught more (Zapdos?) he is only going to have that. Not much in reinforcement.
I don't think Surge is afraid to use
[+] Spoiler
those guns he has.
lisalo wrote:Maybe, but can he afford bullets (cuz Giovanni said nothing about guns, he said BULLETS were exensive), and if Giovanni, a crime lord, only has 2...
Thanks lisalo! :smile:
As far as the debate about Surge goes,
Those two guns will come in handy, but he does have very limited ammo. You'll found out how he got it next chapter (68).
And now update.

I almost didn't update tonight, because I only had a very short chapter prepared. This chapter could be combined with the next chapter, but I am trying to update every day. So, I decided to update. Its so short because I do have one last AP Test tomorrow, and we're still working on out last issue of our newspaper. :=/: so sorry about that....But I think it is at the very least better than the last chapter. :smile:

Chapter Sixty-Seven
[+] Chapter Sixty-Seven
Chapter Sixty-Seven: Date

“Mega Punch!” Giovanni ordered, his voice coarse, rough, and eager. His eyes were wide and glinted with greediness as he stared at the safe that was embedded into the wall.

Giovanni’s Nidoqueen pulled back her stone fist and punched the midnight-black safe. Nothing came of it, except for a ringing noise that filled the air. Giovanni scowled – there wasn’t even a scratch or an indent in the safe.

“Again!” he snapped, his tone angry now.

Nidoqueen pulled her fist back, grunted, and slammed it into the safe. Once more, there was no effect. Giovanni spun around to Mr. Silph, who was now lying against the wall, too weak to even stand. His eyes were weary, and his faced sagged down. He was dying.

“What is the combination?” Giovanni asked, his voice short and snappy. Mr. Silph turned his head to look at the Team Rocket leader. His eyes were soft, and they were beginning to glaze over. He smiled softly, believing he had made a small victory in keeping the fossil safe from harm and evil. "Dammit answer me!” Giovanni screamed, feeling his opportunity slip away. He spun around back to the safe, and yelled as loud as he could: “HYPER BEAM!”

Nidoqueen tilted her head back, and from her jaws she let lose a yellow-beam of pure, raw power. The Hyper Beam struck the safe, but did nothing. Not even the slightest dent or scratch.

Giovanni screamed in rage.

“It's useless, Giovanni,” Mr. Silph whispered softly from the corner. “That metal is no normal metal – it’s a unique alloy of my own invention. Too costly to be marketed, but perfect for personal use. Even an Alakazam could not summon the force to open the safe.”

Giovanni trembled. He considered threatening to shoot Jessie again – the truth behind her may be the only thing that could get Mr. Silph to speak. But the old man was getting fuzzy and weak with the loss of blood from his head; he may not understand or believe. And Giovanni would be a fool to play that card before he really needed it.

“12-21-07.”

Giovanni turned around at the voice that had spoken. Jessie was standing behind him, looking at the safe with a strange, mystified look. She raised one of her hands, as if she wanted to reach out and touch the safe. But she quickly let her arm fall back to her side.

“What?” Giovanni asked her.

“The combination,” Jessie repeated. “Try 12-21-07.” Giovanni paused, and he looked past Jessie to Mr. Silph.

The man had a look of complete horror on his face. Giovanni smiled, and he turned back around. He slowly spun the dial to each number Daisy said, and…

Click. The door creaked open. Giovanni swung the safe door open with his hands so fast that the door hit the wall with a loud bang.

“Oh my Arceus,” Jessie said softly, turning away, putting her hand to her mouth. Mr. Silph was staring at the executive with shock.

“How…how did you know that?” he asked her. She ignored him. She could not look at him.

Giovanni paid no attention to either one of them. Instead he placed both hands inside the metal repository and carefully removed the rock that was inside.

He looked down at the Mew Fossil that he held with extreme care, and he grinned with greed.

“At last,” he said, his voice filled with awe. “I’ve found another one.”
-Edited by Kyatenaru
[+] A Few Thoughts
Yes, it is very short. Again, sorry, but I think it is kind of interesting and proposes something new.
As far as that last line goes...I've been hinting at this possibility, so while it may come as a total shock, it will make sense in the next Part of this story run.

The next chapter will end very dramatically - be prepared for quite literally anything. IMO, I think the ending may be more dramatic than the past two updates. Also, the next chapter does a lot of set up for the rest of the SoT series, just to warn you, there may be some dialogue that makes you do a double take.

Until tomorrow, have a nice evening everyone! Merry Monday :smile:
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Wander
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Conqueror of the Ecruteak Gym
Joined: February 22nd, 2011, 3:41 am

May 10th, 2011, 1:48 am #392

Kyatenaru wrote:That's true...maybe he had a few magazines after the war was over, and saved them for when he needed them? And why would he bring the guns if he didn't have the bullets? *shrug* I guess we'll have to wait and see what's up with that.
I'd have to agree and think he saved up bullets from the war. The guy was terrified of Jimmy reappearing, so it's not ridiculous to think he's been saving those machine guns for a LONG time, just in case.
[+] Spoiler
Small edit in that chapter; you said each number Daisy said, instead of Jessie.

Well. That was...not very surprising at all. Probably the day that Jessie and James "died", if I were to speculate on the date. Ah well. Silph's a dead man wal-err, lying on the ground now.

Dangit, the phrase loses the coolness when you say it that way.
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Destroyanator
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Joined: March 29th, 2011, 2:38 am

May 10th, 2011, 3:16 am #393

This chapter was great. WE got a lot more insight into Giovanni's character, and i'm interestid to see what you meant by "setting up for the rest of the series". it sounds very interesting. You're also building up the tension before Surge's awesomeness quite well. i'm on the edge of my seat.
[+] Spoiler
And man, that last line by Giovanni. he already has one mew fossil... why does he need two? does he have mewtwo already? perhaps it escaped and saved Chris and William during the teleport? or was it the spooky voice? mysterious
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The Frog
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Joined: February 27th, 2011, 3:33 am

May 10th, 2011, 4:06 pm #394

One mew fossil: Mew

Two mew fossil: MewTwo!

...

Yeah, it's silly. I coudn't help but post it, though.


Current Run:
Yellow
(Chapter Thirteen, put up Mar 17 2011)(Yes, it hasn't been updated in over a year. Not sure what I'm going to do with it.)
[+] Spoiler
Failed Run:
Blind White: The Abridged Series (Reached Episode 8)
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Retskcaj
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Conqueror of the Cerulean Gym
Joined: March 9th, 2011, 6:21 pm

May 11th, 2011, 12:00 am #395

[+] Spoiler
Interesting chapter, I won't bother reviewing the big Chris/Daisy fight since that seems to have been handled quite well already. I'm curious as to why Jessie would still be cooperating so well with Giovanni. I guess as a Rocket they learn to cope with the fact that they could die at any minute, but it should still be pretty jarring to have your life that close to ending. Battered wife syndrome? I imagine you'll explain more in the future when you flesh out her backstory more. We did see the Rockets do very good lemming impressions in Lavender Town after all....

It's also revealing to see Giovanni lose his cool like that too, you'd assume if worse came to worse he'd just take the whole safe with him and work to open it at his leisure. Still good chapter and I'm glad that a lot of this is coming to a head and the characters will start resolving some of these larger plot points.
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lisalo
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Joined: April 29th, 2011, 10:59 pm

May 11th, 2011, 9:20 am #396

Perhaps he is going the other way round with one of them. I remember Mew being called the origin pokemon, so perhaps he is going towards Arceus (oh Arceus)
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Dash442
Conqueror of the Azalea Gym
Conqueror of the Azalea Gym
Joined: April 18th, 2011, 8:23 pm

May 11th, 2011, 3:28 pm #397

This is just plain awesome. Each chapter is as engaging as the next making it that bit better :D

Current run (UPDATED: 13/11/12 - Chapter 18):

Thanks to Hawkfire for the awesome banner!
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WereleopardLeiri
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Conqueror of the Celadon Gym
Joined: April 2nd, 2011, 4:50 pm

May 16th, 2011, 9:54 am #398

oh holy cow.
I've just spent the last week or so reading this on and off - in between revising and all that jazz - and i have to say, it's one of the best runs i have ever read.
i don't honestly have much else to say, but i love how you've re-structured the game into this behemoth of plot.
can't wait to see how it all ends, though^^
main DA - The-ShadowMaster, but my joint behemoth of a pokemon fanfic is at Trainers of Legends if anyone's interested, for whatever reason. The nuzlocke actually does tie into that, in some small way. Same 'verse, some of the same characters etc.

revamped run of yellow - Weapons

Yellow Nuzlocke run: It's a Double-Sided Life (Latest Chapter 32. On that sort of hiatus that means I don't feel bad about not updating for ages, but actually do update sometimes because I have deadlines for uni that I am currently avoiding). Actually dead now, because revamp! yay...
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SingingTVZubat
Conqueror of the Pewter Gym
Conqueror of the Pewter Gym
Joined: February 3rd, 2011, 1:38 am

May 16th, 2011, 10:59 pm #399

I just wanted to drop by and tell you that you are doing a wonderful job with your run.
While it may not be perfect, the way you took these classic NPCs and gave them such depth is amazing.
I have got to say, Surge is my favorite. I love the way you write him.
Honestly I never considered doing a story run before I read yours. However, I can say I am considering it now.
Keep up the good work.
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Steven_Nara
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Conqueror of the Cinnabar Gym
Joined: January 25th, 2011, 2:15 am

May 17th, 2011, 11:50 am #400

I just read this today and this is gold :biggrin:

it has an amazing plot and the Samuel Oak diary entries are magnificent

Do not stop I love it :roll:
My Nuzlockes/challenges
[+] Spoiler
1-5 complete (Note all challenges are done in my own DS and games. No hacks or computors used.)

(1) Steven's Emerald, (2) Steven's Platinum, (3) Eloise's Steven's Heartgold, (4) Matthew's White, (5) Steven's psychic monotype white run w/ Gaia the shiny Gigalith (Caught in Victory road )

(6) Kagemaru's Absol solo in platinum

(7) Matthew's Yellow nuzlocke run

(8) Kagemaru's Regigigas solo in Heartgold

(9) Kagemaru's Riolu solo in Diamond

(10) Steven's white 2 nuzlocke
Images done by awesome people
[+] Spoiler
Thank you Kynim you are the best and I will never forget you for this wonderful drawing
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