So so so depressed!

So so so depressed!

Joined: November 11th, 2010, 2:23 am

June 13th, 2011, 2:33 pm #1

Hi, All,

I haven't posted in a while I was hoping a miracle was going to happen and of course it didn't so here I am ...I have also tried to really keep it together these past few days and I can't tell you all how incredibly hard its been. I was clomid this cycle. There was no response then suddenly out of the blue ONE follicle grew to 17.5 so we triggered and did timed i/c.
7dpo we did a progesterone level and it came at 6.8- RE was happy I ovulated. Said to wait for 2ww....OMG was it hell..every twinge every goddamn symptom....so today at 14 dpo I did a POAS test...and a stark BFN. Supposed to go in for a blood test today...whats the point? I feel like calling and saying I already know the result.

I go to a shrink to deal with this stuff and she says infertility is as bad a disease as cancer. 1.5 yrs ago when we started this i didn't dream it would be so bad and here i am today holding a negative poas test and there isn't even a tear left to shed????

why all this unfairness? I am sorry i am so down today...I usually try to be positive on this board but one more cycle one more negative how can one not be dejected???????

gisg
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 6:22 pm

June 13th, 2011, 2:42 pm #2

im really really sorry. im really really F*cKIng sorry. (i swear when i get really mad at IF.). IF is awful. it is awful awful and unfortunatley it makes me question God which i hate, but i guess that makes me human. at least you are going to a shrink...i should but i dont want to spend any more $$!!!
at least you responded to clomid. so weird, your scenerio is just like mine 3 years ago...nothing on clomid then all of a sudden on CD17 i got a 17.5mm and started to surge. this time, i had 3 follicles at 16, 16.5 and 18.5 at CD11. surged last sunday and triggered. now, 6do and guess what? i feel NOTHING!! nothing even with 3 follicles. i dont even have silly twinges and sh*t (again with the swearing) to give me hope!!. my temps are higher than normal but that makes sense bc my progesterone is most likely a little higher this cycle.
im so sorry. try and take comfort in that at least your 2ww is over and you can start a fresh cycle. i still have 8 more days of hell. im so sorry. i know nothing i say will make it better. just know you arent alone. at all. none of us deserve to go through this. none of us deserve to cry over and over again after repeated BFNs.
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 6:22 pm

June 13th, 2011, 2:44 pm #3

and im Kat on the a different board as well, that's why i said that : )
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Sara H
Sara H

June 13th, 2011, 3:10 pm #4

Hi, All,

I haven't posted in a while I was hoping a miracle was going to happen and of course it didn't so here I am ...I have also tried to really keep it together these past few days and I can't tell you all how incredibly hard its been. I was clomid this cycle. There was no response then suddenly out of the blue ONE follicle grew to 17.5 so we triggered and did timed i/c.
7dpo we did a progesterone level and it came at 6.8- RE was happy I ovulated. Said to wait for 2ww....OMG was it hell..every twinge every goddamn symptom....so today at 14 dpo I did a POAS test...and a stark BFN. Supposed to go in for a blood test today...whats the point? I feel like calling and saying I already know the result.

I go to a shrink to deal with this stuff and she says infertility is as bad a disease as cancer. 1.5 yrs ago when we started this i didn't dream it would be so bad and here i am today holding a negative poas test and there isn't even a tear left to shed????

why all this unfairness? I am sorry i am so down today...I usually try to be positive on this board but one more cycle one more negative how can one not be dejected???????

gisg
But, as we always say, get that beta along with your other tests. Sometimes POAS does not show... blah blah blah, you know the drill.

We all have our crap-tastic days, I have recently had a few myself. I have found, for me, what helps is to look to other paths in case this one does not work out.

(Yeah, I'm that chic who checks into the hotel and looks at the map on the other side of the door to know two escape routes out in case of fire!)

My DH and I want to be parents to a child. That is our ultimate goal. This is our current path but we have others on our map to use if we need to. For me, just knowing there are other paths takes a LOT of the stress out and now my only really bad days are days when I get hit with something totally unexpected. {Like suddnely finding out, after all this time, DH swimmers die in my CM. Bad day, but we found a way to help that. Or that my 10mm follicle evaporated. Bad day. Or that my follicles last month never released even after trigger and surge. Very bad day.}

But all of those were unexpected, out of the blue. So they set me back. But, again, I was able to come back quicker because of two things, having another plan in place if all this doesn't work and, serioulsly, this board and just being able to post and vent and get rational responses and clear thoughts writen from years of expereance. So invaluable!

We are all pulling for you. We all feel for you, we all feel your pain with you and hear you when you write about it.

I am so sorry this cycle was a bust. I truly am.

Hugs to you,
Sara H.
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Babydance
Babydance

June 13th, 2011, 3:36 pm #5

Hi, All,

I haven't posted in a while I was hoping a miracle was going to happen and of course it didn't so here I am ...I have also tried to really keep it together these past few days and I can't tell you all how incredibly hard its been. I was clomid this cycle. There was no response then suddenly out of the blue ONE follicle grew to 17.5 so we triggered and did timed i/c.
7dpo we did a progesterone level and it came at 6.8- RE was happy I ovulated. Said to wait for 2ww....OMG was it hell..every twinge every goddamn symptom....so today at 14 dpo I did a POAS test...and a stark BFN. Supposed to go in for a blood test today...whats the point? I feel like calling and saying I already know the result.

I go to a shrink to deal with this stuff and she says infertility is as bad a disease as cancer. 1.5 yrs ago when we started this i didn't dream it would be so bad and here i am today holding a negative poas test and there isn't even a tear left to shed????

why all this unfairness? I am sorry i am so down today...I usually try to be positive on this board but one more cycle one more negative how can one not be dejected???????

gisg
Gisg, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I can tell you, I feel the same way today as you. It's so friggin unfair. But, I do want you to take solace in one observation - you are under 40, and it seems to me, most of the under 40 crowd, eventually, even if it takes years, gets pregnant. One other thought - were they doing bloodwork? Because 17.5 may be too early on a natural cycle to trigger. And I assume there is no MF? Sara is correct, take solace in starting a new cycle as well. I sill have a week to go, I know it's negative and it's just hell. Just want to start again. BIG HUGS. Xoxoox BD
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Joined: May 20th, 2011, 1:32 pm

June 13th, 2011, 4:12 pm #6

Ur not alone, here I am sitting at a bathroom crying, I have endo and I get UTI a lot, I can't even walk its f*ing painful. And I was so embrace to call my boss and tell him I will be late to work again, after all the time I took off for my first ivf now here we go again. I too hate my life with IF. Some times I wonder if I should just give up and move on with my life....

Age=28
FSH=28, AOAB, endo stage 4, right overy very small, left overy covered with endo,1st IVf with 2 follicle failed abnormal egg didnt fertilize, DE speech Ugh...
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Joined: May 10th, 2011, 6:22 pm

June 13th, 2011, 4:23 pm #7

Gisg, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I can tell you, I feel the same way today as you. It's so friggin unfair. But, I do want you to take solace in one observation - you are under 40, and it seems to me, most of the under 40 crowd, eventually, even if it takes years, gets pregnant. One other thought - were they doing bloodwork? Because 17.5 may be too early on a natural cycle to trigger. And I assume there is no MF? Sara is correct, take solace in starting a new cycle as well. I sill have a week to go, I know it's negative and it's just hell. Just want to start again. BIG HUGS. Xoxoox BD
17.5mm was the size of my follicle with my son....they triggered me at that bc i was already starting to surge. RE didnt think id get KU with the "early" surge and "smallish" follicle for clomid....were you already starting to surge or did they just trigger you?
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Sara H
Sara H

June 13th, 2011, 4:26 pm #8

Ur not alone, here I am sitting at a bathroom crying, I have endo and I get UTI a lot, I can't even walk its f*ing painful. And I was so embrace to call my boss and tell him I will be late to work again, after all the time I took off for my first ivf now here we go again. I too hate my life with IF. Some times I wonder if I should just give up and move on with my life....

Age=28
FSH=28, AOAB, endo stage 4, right overy very small, left overy covered with endo,1st IVf with 2 follicle failed abnormal egg didnt fertilize, DE speech Ugh...
No need to answer, this is a bit personal but:

Do you have the right meds for the UTI? I got my first one last month that then recurred. OUCH!So horrible! I asked my Dr. to give me a bit extra on the prescription so I can keep it on head to start meds so soon as I feel badly...

Also, I know BD on command, so to speak, makes things worse... I am almost sure that mine was cause by a sporty romp with my DH... sorry, TMI but true! If you get these a lot have your tried "Preeseed" lubricant? Sperm friendly and can help you a bunch,too! (DH and I really like it!)

FEEL BETTER! DRINK LOT AND LOTS!

Hugs, Sara H
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Sara Q
Sara Q

June 13th, 2011, 6:10 pm #9

Hi, All,

I haven't posted in a while I was hoping a miracle was going to happen and of course it didn't so here I am ...I have also tried to really keep it together these past few days and I can't tell you all how incredibly hard its been. I was clomid this cycle. There was no response then suddenly out of the blue ONE follicle grew to 17.5 so we triggered and did timed i/c.
7dpo we did a progesterone level and it came at 6.8- RE was happy I ovulated. Said to wait for 2ww....OMG was it hell..every twinge every goddamn symptom....so today at 14 dpo I did a POAS test...and a stark BFN. Supposed to go in for a blood test today...whats the point? I feel like calling and saying I already know the result.

I go to a shrink to deal with this stuff and she says infertility is as bad a disease as cancer. 1.5 yrs ago when we started this i didn't dream it would be so bad and here i am today holding a negative poas test and there isn't even a tear left to shed????

why all this unfairness? I am sorry i am so down today...I usually try to be positive on this board but one more cycle one more negative how can one not be dejected???????

gisg
Hi Gisg,

Please know I am thinking about you and sending you virtual hugs. IF sucks all around and I'm right there with you feeling really sad these days.

About the beta, I actually think that I go to the same clinic as you, so I know they're most likely going to make you come in and get it. (But I'm not 100% sure about clomid..) I've been in your situation more than a couple of times. (It's actually a bit painful to think how many times..)

If you ever want an IF friend in really life, please send me an email and I'd love to grab a tea or whatever. You can reach me at: Lusana02 at gmail dot com (spelled out so not to be traceable.)

Take good care,
Sara Q
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Joined: May 20th, 2011, 1:32 pm

June 13th, 2011, 7:28 pm #10

No need to answer, this is a bit personal but:

Do you have the right meds for the UTI? I got my first one last month that then recurred. OUCH!So horrible! I asked my Dr. to give me a bit extra on the prescription so I can keep it on head to start meds so soon as I feel badly...

Also, I know BD on command, so to speak, makes things worse... I am almost sure that mine was cause by a sporty romp with my DH... sorry, TMI but true! If you get these a lot have your tried "Preeseed" lubricant? Sperm friendly and can help you a bunch,too! (DH and I really like it!)

FEEL BETTER! DRINK LOT AND LOTS!

Hugs, Sara H
yes it was caused by BD, and I made a mistake and didnt use preseed (used KY instead) cause I couldnt find it .... I got the antibiotic and i usually respond very quickly. I get UTI maybe 4 times a year and its freaking painful for 3 hours and then it goes away but i finish the antibiotic dosage all the time. All I can say is, I hope one day we can all have a normal life......

Age=28
FSH=28, AOAB, endo stage 4, right overy very small, left overy covered with endo,1st IVf with 2 follicle failed abnormal egg didnt fertilize, DE speech Ugh...
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