Should I be offended by my friend? (her children, mother's day mentioned)

Should I be offended by my friend? (her children, mother's day mentioned)

Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 1:58 pm #1

Hi everyone. So I am in my early forties. I wished my friend a happy mother's day and asked her about her two year old and newborn baby. She and I have talked about fertility issues for years, I guided her to help based on information I got from this board. I do not have children and do not know if it will happen.

So she texted back about her children, which was fine, but then she wrote a text that upset me.

She wrote, I want 3 kids, do you think I can do it?

Okay, am I right to be upset about this? Is there any chance she was trying to be cruel on purpose?? She and I are the same age. Was she just being careless or what? In general I do not tend to be jealous of people, even if I am really hurting for some reason I just don't really get jealous per se. But insensitivity DOES upset me. I don't think I would ever say that if the situation was reversed.

On a positive note, she had IF issues for years and then finally had her first child at age 39 and now her second one at age 41.

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Houston
Houston

May 14th, 2012, 4:56 pm #2

This sort of thing always get me. But, I suspect she was just not thinking before she wrote this text and did not mean anything by it. You would think she would be a little more sensitive to IF issues given that she went through it herself. I would probably let her know that it bothered you but not be to upset with her over it.
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Hadas
Hadas

May 14th, 2012, 5:36 pm #3

Hi everyone. So I am in my early forties. I wished my friend a happy mother's day and asked her about her two year old and newborn baby. She and I have talked about fertility issues for years, I guided her to help based on information I got from this board. I do not have children and do not know if it will happen.

So she texted back about her children, which was fine, but then she wrote a text that upset me.

She wrote, I want 3 kids, do you think I can do it?

Okay, am I right to be upset about this? Is there any chance she was trying to be cruel on purpose?? She and I are the same age. Was she just being careless or what? In general I do not tend to be jealous of people, even if I am really hurting for some reason I just don't really get jealous per se. But insensitivity DOES upset me. I don't think I would ever say that if the situation was reversed.

On a positive note, she had IF issues for years and then finally had her first child at age 39 and now her second one at age 41.
Hi,
I¡¦m sorry you had to go through that! Yes, of course you have the right to feel upset. We¡¦ve all been there and it is so hard ¼ I don¡¦t know if I would be offended, though¡K actually, I would probably have a reaction to it, but after thinking about it, I wouldn¡¦t be offended. She has gone through IF, too, so perhaps she feels more at ease talking this way with you. I¡¦m playing devil¡¦s advocate here¡K I have a friend who I actually met in the waiting room of my clinic about 3.5 years ago. I was there for a beta and she was 6 wks pg. We had a lot of other things in common and became friends. Fast forward 3.5 years, we each have DD¡¦s and we¡¦re both TTC #2 for a while now. While I am reserved and never tell anyone when I¡¦m cycling or what my test results are, she tells me everything and has already gotten pg twice naturally. Unfortunately, she has m/c¡¦d, but she has no issues telling me that she has gotten pg naturally, that she knows she can pg naturally, etc. Somehow, oddly enough for me, I¡¦m not offended¡K she has gone through her share of pain, so I just take it for what it is¡K sharing information with a friend who can relate.
Are you close enough to feel like you can speak with her about how you feel? Perhaps she¡¦ll understand.

Good luck!!
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Julie
Julie

May 14th, 2012, 7:16 pm #4

Hi everyone. So I am in my early forties. I wished my friend a happy mother's day and asked her about her two year old and newborn baby. She and I have talked about fertility issues for years, I guided her to help based on information I got from this board. I do not have children and do not know if it will happen.

So she texted back about her children, which was fine, but then she wrote a text that upset me.

She wrote, I want 3 kids, do you think I can do it?

Okay, am I right to be upset about this? Is there any chance she was trying to be cruel on purpose?? She and I are the same age. Was she just being careless or what? In general I do not tend to be jealous of people, even if I am really hurting for some reason I just don't really get jealous per se. But insensitivity DOES upset me. I don't think I would ever say that if the situation was reversed.

On a positive note, she had IF issues for years and then finally had her first child at age 39 and now her second one at age 41.
It is o.k. to feel offended by your friend's words. There is no "should" or "shouldn't". The feeling tells you that you are sensitive to IF issues and you want your friend to be more sensitive to your feelings. I tend to think people are generally insensitive instead of cruel. Your friend may be careless with her words.

If you are uncomfortable with this, you can tell her frankly. Hopefully she will pay more attention. You deserve a friend who is more sensitive to your feelings.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 7:57 pm #5

This sort of thing always get me. But, I suspect she was just not thinking before she wrote this text and did not mean anything by it. You would think she would be a little more sensitive to IF issues given that she went through it herself. I would probably let her know that it bothered you but not be to upset with her over it.
I think you are right. She probably just meant it innocently especially because I encouraged her so much to have the children she has. I'm surprised I would actually have thought that it might have been a little bit intentional, maybe I am getting paranoid? This is a very close friend but somehow I can't easily talk to her about an upset directly, it's sort of a weird combination. I will probably just let it go but it did take me by surprise that it would upset me like that. Thank you so much for writing...
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 8:03 pm #6

Hi,
I¡¦m sorry you had to go through that! Yes, of course you have the right to feel upset. We¡¦ve all been there and it is so hard ¼ I don¡¦t know if I would be offended, though¡K actually, I would probably have a reaction to it, but after thinking about it, I wouldn¡¦t be offended. She has gone through IF, too, so perhaps she feels more at ease talking this way with you. I¡¦m playing devil¡¦s advocate here¡K I have a friend who I actually met in the waiting room of my clinic about 3.5 years ago. I was there for a beta and she was 6 wks pg. We had a lot of other things in common and became friends. Fast forward 3.5 years, we each have DD¡¦s and we¡¦re both TTC #2 for a while now. While I am reserved and never tell anyone when I¡¦m cycling or what my test results are, she tells me everything and has already gotten pg twice naturally. Unfortunately, she has m/c¡¦d, but she has no issues telling me that she has gotten pg naturally, that she knows she can pg naturally, etc. Somehow, oddly enough for me, I¡¦m not offended¡K she has gone through her share of pain, so I just take it for what it is¡K sharing information with a friend who can relate.
Are you close enough to feel like you can speak with her about how you feel? Perhaps she¡¦ll understand.

Good luck!!
Hi Hadas, yes this is the main friend who I have been talking about IF with for a very long time. I am really glad to have this board to check my reactions against. I think that when I read do I think she can do this (a third kid at this age) it just hit the wrong way because that's the same age that I am, and I would obviously have preferred her to write, "You're next!" particularly because I sent her this message on Mother's Day. But yes as I said above this is a very close friend however not a friend that it is easy to tell if she upsets me so most likely I will just let it go, the important thing is that she wasn't trying to do this on purpose, so thank you so much for responding also. I am getting more and more touchy this year...

Good luck to you and everybody else too!
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 8:10 pm #7

It is o.k. to feel offended by your friend's words. There is no "should" or "shouldn't". The feeling tells you that you are sensitive to IF issues and you want your friend to be more sensitive to your feelings. I tend to think people are generally insensitive instead of cruel. Your friend may be careless with her words.

If you are uncomfortable with this, you can tell her frankly. Hopefully she will pay more attention. You deserve a friend who is more sensitive to your feelings.
As I said above I think I am surprised that I really thought it was cruel... and I'm glad I can come here and ask. You are right, I have gotten much more sensitive to IF issues and things are upsetting me more than they used to. Thanks so much for your understanding, it really helps.
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 8:34 pm #8

I just noticed your post above. I am so sorry about your loss, and thank you especially for taking the time to respond to my concerns - I wish you the best of luck, and that you get your next BFP very very soon.
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Julie
Julie

May 14th, 2012, 8:36 pm #9

As I said above I think I am surprised that I really thought it was cruel... and I'm glad I can come here and ask. You are right, I have gotten much more sensitive to IF issues and things are upsetting me more than they used to. Thanks so much for your understanding, it really helps.
It is NORMAL for you to become more sensitive to IF issues especially when it is frustrating to you. You are human. What matters is how you deal with your feelings - vent it out/ cut your friend out/ tell her politely/ let it go...

You said that it is not a friend that you can easily tell your feelings. I don't know the context but I do think it is important to take good care of yourself. So if possible try to share your feelings with her in a polite way and get your needs met instead of just letting it go. If your friend is of good nature, she would understand and would be more sensitive to your feelings.

I forgot to wish you the best of luck - it could happen to you really really soon. When I am feeling down, I spent time going over the success stories on this board. In my understanding two things count: 1. keep trying (IVFs?) 2. get the timings right (esp. on a natural BD cycle).
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Anonymous
Anonymous

May 14th, 2012, 8:52 pm #10

Oh, I really appreciate the good wishes and practical advice as well - keep trying and get the timing right. You too my friend!!!
Also, as far as this friend goes maybe I will say something at some point but now is probably not the right time, but yeah if the opportunity comes up I will. And yes also going over the success stories here is EXACTLY what I need to do, thanks for reminding me!
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